Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The wife and I have been married 7 months now. It hasn't been a great relationship, but it wasn't bad, either. Long story short, my wife has some health issues that prevent her from working. I understood that coming in. Problem is, she refused to take care of home while I worked to take care of all the bills. That caused me to be a bit unhappy. Fast forward to 3 days ago, I find messages on her laptop between her and some guy and the topic of the conversation was sex. Apparently, he wanted to come over to our house to visit her for sex, but she wasn't really comfortable with it. She went back and forth between, "We'll do it later" to "I'm sorry I messaged you and I wasn't trying to lead you on." This is some guy that she knew before she met me, so I know they have a history together. The trick to this whole situation is that she's pregnant with my child. She said it was a stupid mistake that she made because she felt like I didn't like her anymore because I seemed to be mad all the time. I'm pretty sure that she didn't have sex with this guy, but I'm wondering how I should move forward. Is this red flag from her major enough to seriously consider divorce?
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,141 Posts
It's a definate red flag. Whether or not the two of you can work this out or end up divorced is up to you.

You should ask the moderators to move this to the Coping with Infidelity forum.

Do you have any idea how long this has been going on? I doubt that the day you caught it was the first day it's happened.

Did he ask her if he could come over for sex out of the blue? Or was she going along with sex talk for a while then back down?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Wow, after just 7 months? she doesn't sound very mature, I'm pretty sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. Good luck. Can you say Annulment? I would seek professional advice. (Lawyer)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
It's a definate red flag. Whether or not the two of you can work this out or end up divorced is up to you.

You should ask the moderators to move this to the Coping with Infidelity forum.

Do you have any idea how long this has been going on? I doubt that the day you caught it was the first day it's happened.

Did he ask her if he could come over for sex out of the blue? Or was she going along with sex talk for a while then back down?
From reading the messages, it hadn't been going on long. She mentioned about how she hadn't seen him in a while and that she wasn't really trying to have sex, but that she also missed seeing his face. I caught the tail end of the conversation, so I'm pretty sure she told him something about our life that made him comfortable asking her that question. I can't believe this happened so soon after our wedding
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
The wife and I have been married 7 months now. It hasn't been a great relationship, but it wasn't bad, either. Long story short, my wife has some health issues that prevent her from working. I understood that coming in. Problem is, she refused to take care of home while I worked to take care of all the bills. That caused me to be a bit unhappy. Fast forward to 3 days ago, I find messages on her laptop between her and some guy and the topic of the conversation was sex. Apparently, he wanted to come over to our house to visit her for sex, but she wasn't really comfortable with it. She went back and forth between, "We'll do it later" to "I'm sorry I messaged you and I wasn't trying to lead you on." This is some guy that she knew before she met me, so I know they have a history together. The trick to this whole situation is that she's pregnant with my child. She said it was a stupid mistake that she made because she felt like I didn't like her anymore because I seemed to be mad all the time. I'm pretty sure that she didn't have sex with this guy, but I'm wondering how I should move forward. Is this red flag from her major enough to seriously consider divorce?
You caught the very beginnings of an emotional affair, her excuses are just blame shifting and plain bullsh1t. You need to have a talk with her and tell her that this behavior is unacceptable; she should not be in contact with an ex-lover. She needs to send him a message, in front of you telling this ass hole that he is never to contact her again, in any way or form, and if he does, she will seek an order of protection. When you tell her to do this, watch her reaction; this will tell you how deep she is into him. If she refuses to send the message, you may have to at least consider divorce because this means she wont give him up.

Consider a key logger for her computer so you can monitor her computer activity. You will also need to monitor the cell phones and home phone. This is a real crappy situation for someone being married for only 7 months and I think you have a long hard time ahead. I also think you should expose this behavior to her family, your family and maybe some friends; affairs can't flourish when others know about it. Finally, you should consider DNA testing the baby after it's born, just in case.

Edit: Ask the Moderators to move this to the Coping With Infidelity board.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
Wow

Only 7 months ans she's shopping around for some "strange"

You guys should still be in the "honeymoon" phase and wanting to be with each other all the time

This is a warning signal. She doesn't want to be married. She wants the single life.

I think you should ask for a polygraph test to see what else she may have been up to
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I think her messaging the guy is a red flag for sure. But I also see where she was already trying to back up and call it off before the OP discovered the messages. That tells me she is putting her marriage before her self, and that she's likely telling the truth when she says she was reaching out because her husband seems angry all the time.

She's right about his anger. Electric is resentful and angry because he doesn't feel she's upholding her end of the bargain in marriage.

I think the two of you need to sit down and say, "Is our marriage important enough to make it our #1 priority?" If the answer is yes, clarify what that means: not satisfying our relationship needs with other people, taking steps to ensure that we have a comfortable home where we can relax in safety and without anger, etc. Finally, identify the steps each of you needs to take for that to happen. Maybe if she'll spend an hour each day cleaning, it will allow Electric to relax more.

OTOH, Electric, be certain you know what you're talking about. She may be doing more than you give her credit for. Also, consider whether a clean house is worth damaging your marriage over. If not, let go of that anger and learn to be ok with less clean. (Or hire someone in once in a while.) Find ways to give your partner what means the most to him/her instead of seeking first to satisfy superficial wants in self.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I think her messaging the guy is a red flag for sure. But I also see where she was already trying to back up and call it off before the OP discovered the messages. That tells me she is putting her marriage before her self, and that she's likely telling the truth when she says she was reaching out because her husband seems angry all the time.

She's right about his anger. Electric is resentful and angry because he doesn't feel she's upholding her end of the bargain in marriage.

I think the two of you need to sit down and say, "Is our marriage important enough to make it our #1 priority?" If the answer is yes, clarify what that means: not satisfying our relationship needs with other people, taking steps to ensure that we have a comfortable home where we can relax in safety and without anger, etc. Finally, identify the steps each of you needs to take for that to happen. Maybe if she'll spend an hour each day cleaning, it will allow Electric to relax more.

OTOH, Electric, be certain you know what you're talking about. She may be doing more than you give her credit for. Also, consider whether a clean house is worth damaging your marriage over. If not, let go of that anger and learn to be ok with less clean. (Or hire someone in once in a while.) Find ways to give your partner what means the most to him/her instead of seeking first to satisfy superficial wants in self.
At this point, I'm not sure if I'm able to trust her 100% again. I've done whatever I could to make it work and she still reached out to another man. Yes, I was angry and tired for doing all the major lifting in our relationship. But what's the point of working it out if she doesn't want to understand why I was angry and maybe she could have done a better job. I know that because of her depression and fibro, she can't go out and work a 40 hr a week job or have a full dinner cooked every night. I've never asked her to do that. But you could at least do some kind of part time work and cook a meal once or twice a week. If you can't do that, put a darn pop tart out on the kitchen table for me. I'm not asking for a 50/50 marriage, because I know that her health won't allow it. But if it's 70/30 or 80/20, I think it's only fair that she holds up her part of the deal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
Wait a minute here....Are you upset that your wife was communicating sexually with another man or that there isn't a hot dinner on the table when you get home?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Wait a minute here....Are you upset that your wife was communicating sexually with another man or that there isn't a hot dinner on the table when you get home?
I'm definitely more upset about the messages I saw between her and the other man. I mentioned that about the dinner specifically because the lack of that, among other household responsibilities, is something that I was unhappy about...Which is what she used to justify her communicating with another man.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I think her messaging the guy is a red flag for sure. But I also see where she was already trying to back up and call it off before the OP discovered the messages. That tells me she is putting her marriage before her self, and that she's likely telling the truth when she says she was reaching out because her husband seems angry all the time.

Kathy, while I normally agree with your POV 100% of the time, I don't here. His wife, after only 7 months of marriage has crossed the line into an EA, whether it was for a day or a year. As you know, while the OP may be responsible for half or more of the issues in the marriage, he has zero responsibility for her acting inappropriately here

I think the two of you need to sit down and say, "Is our marriage important enough to make it our #1 priority?" If the answer is yes, clarify what that means: not satisfying our relationship needs with other people, taking steps to ensure that we have a comfortable home where we can relax in safety and without anger, etc. Finally, identify the steps each of you needs to take for that to happen. Maybe if she'll spend an hour each day cleaning, it will allow Electric to relax more.

OTOH, Electric, be certain you know what you're talking about. She may be doing more than you give her credit for. Also, consider whether a clean house is worth damaging your marriage over. If not, let go of that anger and learn to be ok with less clean. (Or hire someone in once in a while.)

Again, while I think I know where you were going with this thought, I still have to disagree with most of it. The idea of rewarding a spouse who is wandering (if even if only a little) by providing a cleaning person seems wrong. She has enough time on her hands to start/continue an inappropriate communication but not enough time to do some basic housework (at least her fair share, whatever that may be)?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,625 Posts
OP, this really sucks that your wife did this to you. If you are operating under the assumption that privacy is sacrosanct in a marriage, then you need to rethink this concept completely. Since the two of you are married, you need to be 100% transparent in your activities like FB, e-mails, smart phones, etc. Privacy belongs in the bathroom but it does not belong when it comes to electronic communication and finances.

Aside from the 100% transparency, you need to communicate with your wife a lot more to get at the root cause of why she felt the need to reach out to this other guy. Did she marry you because she loves you or were you a fallback plan or a rebound? At 7 months into the marriage, her entertaining the idea of sleeping with an old flame is very disturbing and should not even be a thought in her head right now considering how new your marriage is.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top