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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I got pregnant while engaged and my husband and we decided to elope 3 months ago. Since I've been pregnant (our whole marriage), our sex life has slowed down a lot. I have absolutely no desire, but I still try to please my husband once a week or every other week. Lately it seems that every time my husband gets time to himself, he looks at porn sites online. I find porn sites visited regularly in our browser history on the computer. This REALLY bothers me and I don't know how to be okay with it. I told him that I knew he looks at it and asked him why. He says it's becuase men aren't very creative and he needs something visual to stimulate him. Is that true? What makes me feel guilty is that I have looked at sites on my own before, but yet it bothers me so much that my husband is doing it. I don't know if it's me being insecure because I'm pregnant or what. I just can't stand that he's masterbating to other women. I think he's doing it every few days, maybe 2-4 times a week. My question is, am I overreacting? Is this normal and, if so, how do I feel better about it? I am trying so hard to not make a big deal about it but I can't help how much it's bothering me. Any advice?
 

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Personally, I feel like you're overreacting. His options are doing without, having an affair, or masturbate. He happens to be masturbating, with visual aids. Unless you're willing to increase your involvement through hand jobs, blow jobs, putting on a show for him... Unless there's some other indicator of issues, I'd suspect he'd much rather be intimate with you, but he's bing sensitive to your condition and avoiding putting pressure on you for sex.

Just my thoughts, as a guy who looked at porn while his married sex life wasn't ideal. As an FYI, I've been seeing someone else since leaving my marriage, and our intimacy level is considerably higher than in my marriage. And I haven't self-induced an orgasm without my GF being in the room since about February.


C
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Like PBear said unless you are willing to help him with his needs more than once a week to every other week he will probably continue to view porn.

I had no problem with porn until it completely replaced our sex life. When the SO viewing the porn chooses porn over a willing partner then I view it as a problem. So our sex life went down to once a week not due to my lack of desire or wanting it but because he was self pleasuring himself multiple times a day everyday without even considering my needs. It took a long time for him to realize it was a problem but eventually he did and hasn't viewed porn since April and has only masturbated maybe once a month to every other month.

If you decide to step up the frequency to multiple times a week and he rejects you and goes to porn then I would say there is a problem. And as PBear said it doesn't just have to be intercourse could be a bj, hj or even if he masturbated to watching you touch yourself.
 

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This happened to me when I was pregnant with my first child. I was very hormonal and insecure. We found out we were prenant an month after the wedding so there wasn't alot of time to adjust. Besides that, my libido has always been higher than my husbands, and I'm one of those weird women whose libido INCREASES when I'm pregnant (all the increased blood flow and whatnot to that area makes my orgasms so much more intense when I'm with child).

I view masturbation as being a natural part of a person's healthy sexuality. And my husband and I find that we both masturbate more when we are satisified with our sex life and less when our sex life unfulfilling (and think that goes along with the concept, have good sex, want more, have bad sex, loose desire). So I do often masturbate and watch porn without my husband, and I expect him to do the same as well. After all, how will we ever know what to ask for of each other during sex if we don't take the time to find out what it is that we like by ourselves.

All that said, when I was pregnant with my first child, even though I viewed porn and expected him to do the same, seeing the evidence of his viewing on our computer was upsetting. I often responded hormonally and over-reacted.
Finally, I sat my husband down and I told him straight out, "I know that I'm not thinking rationally right now because I have a baby inside of me. Pregnancy has made me insecure and thats not fair to either of us, but I can't control how I feel so we need to find a way to protect my feelings while protecting your right to masturbate comfortably."
Once my husband realized that seeing the evidence was what made me react irrationally, and once he realized that I knew I was reacting irrationally, he felt better about the situation and we both knew that things would get better once the baby was born and my hormones calmed down. In the mean time though, we agreed to fix our computer so that it automatically deleted the browser history everytime we left the webpage. Meaning, he could view porn or a news webpage, but I'd never be able to know the difference because the history was deleted.

Now our first child is nearly three years old and I'm pregnant again with our second child. I'm happy to say that about 8-9 months after our first child's birth I was finally rational enough to catch him watching porn and not think anything of it. Also, luckily, my body has responded better to this second pregnancy and I'm not having half of the irrational fears that I had when I was pregnant with my first. So...I guess my point is, don't give up and things do get better. Hormones are a normal part of pregnancy but pregnancy is only temporary.
In the mean time, talk to your husband about your irrational feelings and see if you can't come to a comprimise. For me it was as easy as fixing the computer so that the browser history automatically deleted. For you, maybe something else. Either way, you have to be able to communicate openly and figure it out together.
 

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I feel that porn can be a good thing... in moderation. My wife and I have sex once a month so my porn viewing is a little high. But when we had sex at least once a week, porn wasn't even on my mind. If you don't mind watching it, it can be a tool for your sexual relationship. I agree with everyone here except for IAMCIV wife.
 

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Dymond0: If you want to have more sex with your husband, then make it easy for him to have sex with you. When you and he get into be to have sex do not let out a loud sigh and tell him how tired you are and your back aches. Don't make him wait until the laundry is done. Initiate sex every day. Or plan for sex. Make a date for tomorrow at a specific time.

A normal man (probably women too) is going to take the path of least resistance. If masturbating becomes easier and less logistically involved than having sex with you, guess which one he will choose. You need to make sex easier. Yes, ideally every act of sex would be above average and would be a cherished moment of communal bliss. It does happen, but we cannot expect that every time.

Men are not robots. Erections do not happen on command. Sex, even bad sex does not happen by magic. Sex has to be cultivated.
 

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How about a compromise is, he can watch porn as long as it's with you... And he can get off on his own with you kissing him or touching him yourself.. Or him pleasing himself and you making him feel above the waist? I don't agree that he has an excuse to watch porn because you're not giving him what he needs. I do agree that as a couple, you should be making more effort to be sexual together.
 

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multiple viewings a day would be concerning. Id say 2-4 times weekly isn't bad.

How often were you having sex prior to getting pregnant?

I am in the same boat as AllenScott. If I get sex about once a week,porn is further from my mind.

The less the sex, the more the frequency of porn viewing increases.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
multiple viewings a day would be concerning. Id say 2-4 times weekly isn't bad.

How often were you having sex prior to getting pregnant?

I am in the same boat as AllenScott. If I get sex about once a week,porn is further from my mind.

The less the sex, the more the frequency of porn viewing increases.
I've always had a stronger sex drive than my husband and before I got pregnant, I was initiating sex every other day and he's always been okay with once to twice a week (which is another reason this porn thing worried me).

After seeing a few responses from my post, I initiated oral sex and sex with my husband 2 nights in a row. He turned me down both time which really freaked me out. But then I took the advice of Unwanted Wife above and confronted him about my worries. He was supportive and swore the denial the previous nights was nothing to worry about. He said he looks at porn less now than he did a few years ago. He explained he doesn't have a huge sex drive and it just happens to be that when he feels the urge, it's when I'm working or not around. The talk went well so I hope it changes things a bit.
 

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I agree with ARF, the more sex I have with my wife the less porn I'll watch. As life gets more complicated and sex drives take a dive, I'll watch and take matters into my own hands. As good as that feels it does not take place of the intimacy I experience having sex with my wife. Its not equal even though both end in an orgasm. Not to mention the fact that most of the porn out there is not all that sexy, to me. Too many tatoos, piercings, steroid fueled idiots, and fake boobs.
 

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Scientific American: Humans, We masterbate alot...

One reason why humans are special and unique: We masturbate. A lot | Bering in Mind, Scientific American Blog Network

The only problm I have with porn (and I watch my share of it, I must admit) is that it does tend to focus on & inflate some of the basest forms of behavior.. not all of it, but quite a bit of it. People will often hover around what is pleasing to them too and can get in a rut through sheer repetition of 'scenery'.

and yeah.. guys are *very* visual. For the same reasons many women find strip clubs repulsive and many (not all) guys find them highly erotic - its a totally different perspective focus. I used to think strip clubs were plain old sexy when I was young, now I just find them depressing when you actually start noticing the people there.
 

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I guess the bottom line is you have to work it out for yourself. If you find him watching porn objectionable for moral reasons, as many do, then you should communicate that problem and find a way to negotiate a resolution. If you don't find the watching itself the problem, you can probably work out a compromise with him.

I have a related question, if I may pose it through this thread: If you find pornographic movies objectionable, how do you feel about erotic art or erotic stories?
 

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Although hubby and I often enjoy porn together, he says he has no interest in it while alone. Whether that's true or not, it wouldn't bother me if he were watching porn and masturbating as long as it didn't replace our sex life or become a crutch that he needed to get aroused.

I often read erotica, watch porn, etc. while alone to get myself a little primed for an evening of lovin'. I'd understand if he did the same thing.

BUT if he started to prefer masturbating to porn over having sex with me, then I'd start to worry.
 
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