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Sometimes I want to know all the details, then I dont.
So far I have limited to myself 30 mins at a time of talking about it. If it goes longer then that I just cry or get angry and nothing is accomplished.

Every time we talk I do ask him what he is thinking or how he feels.
What his dreams or hopes for the future for himself are.

Other days I need to forget about it to give myself a break.

I think I should know everything there is to tell, so I can make a wise educated choice on if I want to or can stay with him. Imagine if more comes out later!

Any thoughts?
 

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Sometimes the entire truth will break you if you're trying for R.

My wife knows that if she went for 100% of the truth, she probably wouldn't have taken me back.

All she needed to know was did I have a PA with another woman and that was it.

While others need 100% of the truth to try and heal to move on. Get rid of the mind movies of what could have happened. But as I've stated before, sometimes the entire truth is much worse that what you thought it was.

BTW, most WS who say they've told the entire truth 100% are still lying. Alot still hold out certain facts because they know it's something their spouse/SO cannot handle. They might give out 99% of the truth but will hold that 1% back in fear that they'll lose their chance for R.
 

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After DD, I was right where you are at - EXACTLY. From experience - sit down the entire weekend if you have to. Tell him - now is your chance to tell me EVERYTHING, and you will answer all of my questions or I am walking. You did this, and you owe me answers.

If you don't hold him to the fire now, it will continue to trickle and it will eat at you, and drag out very painfully. Anyone here will tell you the same thing. Rip the bandaid off fast, don't pull it back a little at a time. That will kill what is left of your marriage and you.
 

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To be completely open about it, if I had found out 100% or even 99% on DDay, I would have kicked her out or left myself. Through my own research and various discussions we have had I realize I know about as much as I might ever know, but it is only about 65% I would estimate.

I think I am in the minority for men though, I am mildly interested in the sexual aspect, at least the details I don't have spelled out in her own words. But the larger issue to me is how did this all get started? What did you think when you felt it was becoming an affair? How did you live as the woman I knew during that time, and have this thing going on in secret? What was that like? I wonder more about that in reflection to something I screamed at her on DDay ..."WHO ARE YOU?". But then I was caught completely unaware and had no idea that anything was wrong in our marriage.
 

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To be completely open about it, if I had found out 100% or even 99% on DDay, I would have kicked her out or left myself. Through my own research and various discussions we have had I realize I know about as much as I might ever know, but it is only about 65% I would estimate.

I think I am in the minority for men though, I am mildly interested in the sexual aspect, at least the details I don't have spelled out in her own words. But the larger issue to me is how did this all get started? What did you think when you felt it was becoming an affair? How did you live as the woman I knew during that time, and have this thing going on in secret? What was that like? I wonder more about that in reflection to something I screamed at her on DDay ..."WHO ARE YOU?". But then I was caught completely unaware and had no idea that anything was wrong in our marriage.
That is how I feel - how did it all start when we were just exchanging I love Yous? How did you deal with that? Didn't you see how inappropriate it was? Why didn't you put a stop to it?

I still do not understand it, but I accept it, for the fact that the only reasoning I got from it was that he was selfish and weak and stupid. That once it started it felt like an addiction.

I asked my WH one time, "Who are you", he teared up and said "I am your husband", and I asked "who is that?"

We are 11 months into R, and he is struggling to deal with the sh*tbag he knows he was. He used to think he was a good person but realizes he never was. (his words, not mine). Now he is trying.
 

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In my case I wanted to know everything, but just in case I asked my WW a question in the morning and then after work we both discussed the question.

I felt it gave me a day to think about the question, did I really want to know what was to be gained by this knowledge, what was I going to do with this new knowledge.

In fact my wife thought about those things through out the day, what was I going to do with the truth , what is it that will help us, even should I lie.....

So with that said we talked more about the new questions we both had then about the original question. but that 1st day/question came and went. It was a long night and now that the perrameter were discussed, the next day it was quicker, the question was answered and then the next day and so one.

It worked well for us cuz some of the question were realy tough to answer, but then again we both had the day to absob it.

You may think its hard to not judge or get pissed or be just mean but if you want the next day/question to be answered you keep cool and deal with the fact that it truely is a poorly acted porn movie.

I can remember one morning asking about any group thing she may have had, and in the evening I said I wasn't ready and I got another question answered. Also there was one evening that related to other women and my FWW asked for more time for the question.

In the end it all came out, I was know well aware of what my FWW had become, she was well aware of what led her to this point of picking up strange and the path to her self distruction.

See in this case It wasn't a specific AP with a bunch of I love you's and emotional crap they felt for each other. It was random guys some with no names and the MO she had and the acts she likeds done to her.

I know what I'm forgiving her. she knows how dangerous her second life was. We opened up this can of worms and now we both know the tools we must have to prevent it from happening again.

In short we *had* to both face this head on so we can learn from it, not hide from it cuz of the pain it will cause.

I learned alot about my FWW back in those days.
 

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My real truth came out this week after a year and a month of Dday. It has been disgusting, but I needed to know EVERYTHING - the movies were killing me. If your H wants real R tell him to be honest with what you want/need to know (whatever that is). I had to trick mine and it just feels like hell, and I was just wrapping my head around the idea of R... not so sure anymore.
 

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Here's a question for those wanting to know everything... when will you know that you actually DO know everything?

I have been honest with my wife about my cheating. I have answered every question she has asked after giving a 100% open account of the cheating.

Yet she always feels something is missing. While I could understand that for a while, after 5 years it's beginning to look obsessive rather than trying to get everything out in the open.

And I understand that the lying as part of the cheating lays me open to the question "how do I know you aren't lying now?" but when do you say "OK, I've gotten it all."
 

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My real truth came out this week after a year and a month of Dday. It has been disgusting, but I needed to know EVERYTHING - the movies were killing me. If your H wants real R tell him to be honest with what you want/need to know (whatever that is). I had to trick mine and it just feels like hell, and I was just wrapping my head around the idea of R... not so sure anymore.
I thought about what you did GG - not too shabby :) Put the wheels in motion. See though - if we only knew EVERYTHING from DD - we could move on with our lives, either way. But the cheaters are such cowards. They think they are so great and stealthy and brave to be carrying on an affair, but they are cowards. Just come right out and say it. Sh*t or get off the pot. I have lost any patience I have had I think - not sure if that is good or bad. I just know that this limbo crap is for the birds

Life is too short for games. I understand healing takes time,and I am all for that, but get all of the crap out there and make a decision based on the truth. Its the trickle truth that is so painful and wasteful. It does no good for anyone, but even the WS's can't see that.
 

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GG let me guess the trick was you told him no matter how disgusting, you won't D ????
No, I lied and told him I had talked to the OW "la cochofle" and I knew evrything, so he better start talking if he wanted a chance at anything. Then proceeded to ask questions based on what I knew of the A and more so, what I knew of him. You can see my update in my thread! Real great stuff there and I did not include all the horrible details!
I have lost about 4 pounds in 2 days and now he will not leave me alone.

Infidelity = the gift that keeps on giving, like CTU would say!
 

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Here's a question for those wanting to know everything... when will you know that you actually DO know everything?

I have been honest with my wife about my cheating. I have answered every question she has asked after giving a 100% open account of the cheating.

Yet she always feels something is missing. While I could understand that for a while, after 5 years it's beginning to look obsessive rather than trying to get everything out in the open.

And I understand that the lying as part of the cheating lays me open to the question "how do I know you aren't lying now?" but when do you say "OK, I've gotten it all."
I am convinced that I will never know everything. I know the big picture, but I don't know what he said about us to her, even though he says he didn't talk about us. Come on - I know better.
 

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No, I lied and told him I had talked to the OW "la cochofle" and I knew evrything, so he better start talking if he wanted a chance at anything. Then proceeded to ask questions based on what I knew of the A and more so, what I knew of him. You can see my update in my thread! Real great stuff there! I have lost about 4 pounds in 2 days and now he will not leave me alone.

Infidelity = the gift that keeps on giving, like CTU would say!
See GG - it is possible to drop the weight like that - go get yourself a cheeseburger :)
 

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Sometimes I want to know all the details, then I dont.
This is exactly how I felt, but I came to the conclusion that for me it would cause more damage than good to R. I think having details would just give me more mind movies than I could deal with.

For others they wanted full details. It's really a personal choice with how you cope with things I guess.
 

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I am convinced that I will never know everything. I know the big picture, but I don't know what he said about us to her, even though he says he didn't talk about us. Come on - I know better.
Usually you don't talk about the spouse at all. If they know you're married or attached, all you say is the relationship is on the way out and you're moving on or some BS line, no sex, no intimacy, etc....

You, the spouse/SO is the last topic of conversation at this point. If I'm still talking about you to the AP, that means I still have feelings for you. 100% is focused on the AP, you're dirt.
 

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Usually you don't talk about the spouse at all. If they know you're married or attached, all you say is the relationship is on the way out and you're moving on or some BS line, no sex, no intimacy, etc....

You, the spouse/SO is the last topic of conversation at this point. If I'm still talking about you to the AP, that means I still have feelings for you. 100% is focused on the AP, you're dirt.
what I discovered is that they talked about me a lot; she wanted to know how our dates went and so on.

Granted, what I had on my hands was an EA and perhaps even a one-sided EA where he was chasing her and she enjoyed yanking his chain.

I am glad that I did dig and pore over the information. It's so easy to sweep things under the carpet and accuse someone of having a big ego --as if people think you are important enough talk about....... Well in my case, I was that important, so to speak.

Finding a lot about this woman, even though I never met her, gave me some insight into my (future) fiancé. Knowing the details also gave me a stronger case to get him to drop the charade of "friendship" and cut her out of his /our life completely. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Do I feel that I know everything? No, I don't. but since my fiance puts in the effort to be the partner that one should be, I am working to get over it.
 

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Usually you don't talk about the spouse at all. If they know you're married or attached, all you say is the relationship is on the way out and you're moving on or some BS line, no sex, no intimacy, etc....

You, the spouse/SO is the last topic of conversation at this point. If I'm still talking about you to the AP, that means I still have feelings for you. 100% is focused on the AP, you're dirt.
Thanks I needed that!
 

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Usually you don't talk about the spouse at all. If they know you're married or attached, all you say is the relationship is on the way out and you're moving on or some BS line, no sex, no intimacy, etc....

You, the spouse/SO is the last topic of conversation at this point. If I'm still talking about you to the AP, that means I still have feelings for you. 100% is focused on the AP, you're dirt.
I can see this, yet OW said she many pages of text/emails on why he didn't want to be married to me anymore....If I wanted to know specifics, I probably would have contacted her and asked for all of that, but I had already seen enough. You think it was pages of text saying the same thing - we're not happy, she puts me down, we don't have sex, we haven't loved each other in a long time, over and over again? Yet, we just bought a new house, car, joined neighborhood organizations....I didn't have a clue and I don't believe he did either. We were not on the outs...far from it, but he was not motivated to take the steps to fix the things that were broken.

I asked hubs one time that whatever he felt about me or proclaimed to feel about me at the time he gave himself permission to step outside the marriege - does he now know how wrong he was and does he feel like a fool now? He said yes.
 
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