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Discussion Starter #1
Hello, this is my first post here. I don't like to talk to my friends about my husband because I feel they will be biased and once the idea is in their head, it's there!

I've been married for nearly 25 yrs. The first 15 sucked! We seperated and were on again, off again for about a year. He begged me to come home and promised me things would change. In a lot of ways they have.

Before, he was very verbally & emotionally abusive. For about the first year, we did everything together. It was almost too much togetherness! Now, he goes to work, comes home, rests for about half an hr. in bed and then up he goes and out into his garage to work on his hobbies.

Everytime I go outside, he's on the phone with one of his fellow hobby buddies. Yackity, Yack! I swear, he spends more time on the phone than any woman I know! Then around dark, he comes in, eats, watches a little TV, surfs the net...looking at boards that have somthing to do with his hobbies and then to bed.

We don't like the same kind of shows on TV, when I ask him to go anywhere with me, he either doesn't want to go or puts stipulations on it, like, OK but, we're only staying for a little bit, etc..

Bottom line is, I just feel like we don't spend much quality time together. Just because he's in the garage doesn't mean he's with me. I don't want 100% of his time, I understand he works and needs time to do the things he enjoys but, shouldn't one of those things be spending time with his wife?

He has many good qualities but, I feel he's very selfish. It seems he would have learned a lesson when I left him but, it's like it never happened.

I want to be wanted.

We've had several conversations about this and he immediately gets mad, raises his voice and I end up feeling like the bad guy. It almost feels useless to talk to him about it anymore.

Am I being unfair?
 

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I believe that's the problem, he doesn't want to. I've asked him if he he just doesn't enjoy spending time with me and he always says he does but, actions speak louder than words.

On the weekend, he spends a great deal of time and I do mean, a great deal, doing his hobby. He's had a hobby since the day we married and I suppose he always will. That's fine but, I'd like at least equal time. Just equal, not more but, definitely not less.

Our children are grown, so that's not an issue. I'd just like to take a walk with him or go to a movie. About the only thing we do together is go out to eat. We eat, pay the check and come home. That's it.

We have two little dogs that we both adore, we love our kids I think that may be all we have in common.

I just don't know which way to turn. I will definitely look into these books. Thank you for the recommendation. :)
 

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Another book I'd recommend is His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. He talks about the importance of having uninterrupted time each week with one's spouse. He recommends 15 hours a week for people in good marriages and 20 hours a week for those with issues in the marriage. I KNOW that sounds impossible to do, but the hours add up especially if you spend most of Saturday and Sunday together, throw in evening walks on the weekdays and dinner time together.

I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable. ;)
 

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Thank You :)

I did take the assessment.

1 Words of Affirmation
12 Quality Time
3 Receiving Gifts
9 Acts of Service
5 Physical Touch

He's very good about giving compliments and praising me for things. But, he never helps around the house or spends time with me.

I think I'll ask him to take the test too. I'll look for this book as well. I doubt I can get him to read it though. When we were seperated we read men are from mars & women are from venus, on the recommendation of our therapist. I hated reading with him at the time, now I'd give a lot to just have him interested in something with me. He's not a bad man, he's just very selfish with his time. He's much rather run out to help a friend, than to help me. :confused:
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I didn't mention and I probably should...
He drinks, 4-6 beers every night, without fail. I don't drink. I sometimes wonder if that has something to do with our problems?

I can't ask him to run and pick up dinner because he will not drink and drive..which is good, in and of itself but, it's really a drag.

He doesn't put high expectations on me, which I appreciate. He makes a decent living and never complains about how much money I spend. I do however fuss at him for spending money on his hobbies and beer when we go out. It's very rare that he doesn't have 3 or 4 beers when we go out to eat. I think it's such a waste of money! I'm very frugal I guess? Maybe I shouldn't complain about that?

I don't even know what's right or wrong anymore.
 

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Wow Garage Widow....you could be me (minus the kids).....

We have 18 years in the the similarities are scary (garage hobby junkie) We never had major problems before...I have bought and read the books...he "listens" says we don't need to read that stuff, things change for about a week, then I am once again put to the bottom of the priority list and taken for granted.....

I hope things work out for you!
 

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So your love language is Quality Time and Acts of Service. If he's giving you compliments and praise, that doesn't do much for you, but I would guess they would for him. You're each speaking your own love language.

I hope he will read the book and/or take the quiz. At least if you show him your own results and explain it a bit, he might realize what's going on.

Another book that I simply can't say enough good things about is this one

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert: John Gottman: Books | chapters.indigo.ca

It has to be worked through by both partners though - it has a lot of exercises in it. You can get a lot out of it reading it on your own, but it really works magic when both spouses are working at it.
 

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That is a lot of beer every night. That said, I do like to have a nightcap or two most evenings myself. Although if I know I have to drive somewhere I don't.

Does he hang out in the garage and drink because you disapprove? Or he thinks you do, even if you don't?
 

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Is your husband slightly OCPD & controlling? My hubs has major signs of obsessive compulsive personality...but I do to...just in different areas...the garage thing, phone time thing, and stipulations on outings are my hubs to a T....

He will also VIGOROUSLY check all locks several times before we leave...will FREAK OUT if we or anyone else meeting us is even a couple of minutes late....and will stress until he is 100% comfortable that we will reach our destination on time...

(my OCPD has to do with house cleanliness, etc...he doesn't participtate in that, and I'm good with it ;) )
 

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Another book I'd recommend is His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. He talks about the importance of having uninterrupted time each week with one's spouse. He recommends 15 hours a week for people in good marriages and 20 hours a week for those with issues in the marriage. I KNOW that sounds impossible to do, but the hours add up especially if you spend most of Saturday and Sunday together, throw in evening walks on the weekdays and dinner time together.

I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable. ;)
:iagree: My H and I also read this book and now aim for 15-20 hours a week. We spend a couple hours a night together watching TV, talking or making love. We also plan a date for the weekend (or two) and make sure to text and talk through-out the day if we're not together.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thank You, Everyone!
No, he doesn't stay in the garage because he thinks I disapprove of his drinking. He knows I'd rather he not drink so much but, my husband doesn't let very many people's opinions sway him..including mine.

He used to be a lot more controlling than he is now. He's still somewhat "in charge" but, I can deal with it. I don't think he's OCD. Although come to think of it, when he gets on one of his projects, it seems like that's all he can think of, talk about or do.:confused:

I'm really considering going back to a counselor. Our last therapist just flat out told him that he was a real ass, among other things. We had a solid year of counseling and it really did help. I think we may need a refresher.

Thank You for all the book recommendations. Everyone's responses are greatly appreciated. :)

BTW, I'm going to keep track of how much quality time we spend together, this week and I'm going to write it down and show him. Maybe that will open his eyes.
 

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I almost couldn't believe it. My husband came home from physical therapy last night...he had knee surgery about a month ago...his knee was taped up, which relieved the pain he'd been having. He explained to me why it worked and I said, so, you could we could take the girls (our dogs) for a walk? He said, if YOU want to. I do find some of his verbage, passive aggressive but, I took him up on it.

We drove to a near by park and walked for a while. :eek:

Sometimes I think I pass up offers like this because I know he doesn't really want to go but, is doing it to appease me I probably shouldn't do that. I really do appreciate it when he does things for me like this. I texted him and told thank you, while he was at work this morning and told him I love him.

Praying this is the beginning of something good.

While I'm out today, I'm going by the library to see if I can find any of the books suggested.

Please keep us in your prayers. :D
 

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One thing that really helped me was that The Five Love Languages is an audio book too.

Your husband needs to learn to speak your language, and you might be surprised how he really feels if you're not speaking his.
 

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I'm married to a loner who likes to be by himself.

Yet he's managed to get married twice--why would a loner get married when he wants to be alone--makes no damn sense to me.

Anyway...my husband has the same issue.

When I complained that we didn't spend time together, he said - well, you're in the room right now, aren't you?

So - to prove my point, I did the math - work time, sleep time, etc.

And it came out to a grand 39 hours a week that we were awake and in the same room or car together - that's out of 168 hours a week and if you take away 8 hours a night average sleep time - that equates to 39 hours of awake time out of 112 awake hours available.

So at 39 hours a week, we're only in the same room/car an average of 35% a week - and that's too much time to ask - apparently so.

I've read the 5 Love Languages and mine is physical.

His is acts of service.

We're on the polar opposite of this. He is perfectly content to sit in total silence watching TV--his idea of a good time - not mine.

He has a mancave and it's supposed to be HIS - well, I actually barge in and sit down to spend time with him. If he doesn't like it - tuff crap - he has yet to ask me to leave, so it must be "okay."

Go out to the garage like I did the mancave, ask what he's doing, ask about his "hobbies" - you might find some interest.

We don't like the same shows either and since he wouldn't compromise for mine, I decided to compromise to his. So when I was in the mancave I started watching Criminal Minds, Burn Notice, Seinfield re-runs, etc., and much to my surprise--I ended up loving these shows and still watch them alone and with him.

My point being - you're probably not going to get him to really change--he is inherently who he is--someone who likes to do their own thing.

So you have to "force yourself" into his world. He might not like it at first, but he'll adjust and it will become routine--it worked at my house - I bet it will work at yours.
 

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In my opinion, I think you two have just fallen into a pattern after being married for so many years. It happens. That doesn't mean you can't fall back into the patterns you had when you were first married either.

I'm glad there was a book available that can help you both. In addition, I would suggest maybe a date night for the both of you. Sometimes setting aside a night where you can both spend some quality time together really can set the mood for the rest of the weeks to follow, whether it be going out to eat somewhere away from home..or just having dinner at home and enjoying each other's company there.

Good luck to you and I hope everything works out great!!
 

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What is Quality Time? My W thinks it is her opportunity to complain about work, complain about this, complain about that, complain about the weather, think up things to add to my to-do list. In other words.. nothing remotely pleasant, stimulating, or constructive. And she wonders why I don't want to spend time with her. I tried talking to her about her relentlessly negative attitude but she doesn't get it.

So I guess my point is your idea of quality time and his could be different.
 

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Me & mine spend likely more time than most couples would even desire......from early on, we've been pretty much inseparable / Best friends .... when I 1st started dating, my GF's used to complain about me, cause it was all about him - when we met.

It really hasn't changed over the years. I'd rather be with him over anyone in this world, I've told him he is the only person I can spend 24 hrs a day with and not want to throw him over a cliff. Amazingly he feels similar about me.

We are not under each others feet by any means... with as many kids as we have, and running, we do our own thing...but we enjoy being close to each other....in the same vicinity/ same room (on our computers many times) ... same house, even if he works in the garage, he tells me he likes my company.... he told me once if he had a cave, he would want me in it ~~ this goes completely against what the Author says about men in "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus".

And when its night time...we shut the kids out...
- snuggle up to some TV...on his days off.... we spend near every waking moment together -while they are in school...treasure our alone time... Whether it is riding bikes, watching a movie, taking a walk... even working on a project together.

Outside of sleeping, I'd say we spend near 3 hours a day, then on his (2) days off - a good 8 hours , which would = 31 hrs a week ! YIKES ! Overkill some might say!

But neither of us feel clinged too, smothered or wanting to get away from the other. It's just who we are. We are both HIGH in "TIME & TOUCH" ...our top natural "Love Languages" .... We've taken the tests a few times and it's uncanny how our digits are near the same, only being off by 1 or 2 in the same category.

 

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Your screen name and first shows your frustration, which I feel is perfectly justified. Why would your husband shout at you just for saying you miss him? Has he attended any anger management or counseling to help him deal with his abusive tendencies?

My husband spends about three hours a day with me in the evening, more on the weekends. I'm just about to close the computer and pay attention to him as I have become overly attached to the internet.
 
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