[confusedFather]

I'm making this post partly out of curiosity and partly to help others to decide what sort of detail they want to get about a spouse's affair.

My wife had two affairs with two different men 22 years ago; both were ONS. I found out 5 months ago. My wife was very remorseful and fully cooperative. I insisted on knowing as much detail as possible. I don't exactly know why I wanted to know this. It was during the immediate confrontation and I was still in a state of shock and wanted as much info as possible to try and determine what was going on. I was also worried that my imagination would make it out to be worse than it was or that I would obsess over not knowing what they did.

We are fully R and everything is good except that I still struggle with mental images born of all the detail I learned about the affair. I knew one of the OM and have found that I obsess about that A more than the other. I guess it's because I have a more complete picture. I find that almost all my idle time I end up thinking about it. At times when my wife an I engage in sex I have to make sure it didn't play out like one of the affairs which completely kills the mood.

If anyone else has struggled with obsessive mental imagery of WW with OM and gotten over it I'd like to know what worked for you.

 

[Entropy3000]

How do you know these were just ONSs. How do you know they were the only ones?

Why did she do it?

What is being done to prevent this from happening again?

How did you find out? The thing is this only happened for you five months ago. It is still fairly fresh.

 

[the guy]

In my case I think my big ego helped. See I wasn't going to let some POS out do me maybe its my competive nature but I make sure I give it my best when it comes to sex.

As far as the mind movie, I look at it as some poorly made porno, most of the time it was on the run and the POS OM's didn't have a clue on what bottons to push. Sure there was one or two OM that had game but for the most part it was just two drunk poeple fumbling around in the sack.

I personaly had to know ever detail and know I can eliminate circus clowns and gang bangs...my fww is a one at a time girl. For the most part sex was the price she paid for the friendships. Even in some case it was getting her self in a bad spot and dealing with giving it rather then having it taken.

A guy really has to understand what he is asking of his cheating wife when it comes to mind movies...in one case...one case out of many unfortinatly... my fWW told me details if blowing a guy with a percing and how the POS cried and could handle it. It can be very nerving to hear the rest of this story but in the end and I mean after years of adultory behavior, I / we got a real understanding on what my FWW had become.

As tough as it was we realy learned alot about what my FWW needed both emotionally and sexualy. Now she has excepted who she is and has excepted my boundries and we can now meet each others needs with out shame or embarassment.

I have to say I can't really mention any emotional need being met during her affairs cuz in the end ther was none. It was just a bandaid for a physically abusive husband.

So be warned guy asking your wife if she blew the guy may not be what you want to hear, but it may be something you have to hear, so think carefully.

 

[MattMatt]

As much as you are comfortable knowing. I wanted absolutely no details of any kind. None. But other BS are different, they want details.

 

[castepatri]

The thing is this only happened for you five months ago. It is still fairly fresh.

 

[SomedayDig]

For me, the details were a big deal of my wife's 5 year long affair. I needed them to actually STOP the mind movies I was having. See, with the reality of WHAT happened, I was able to stop my brain from pretending and visualizing what happened.

I'm not normal, though. I used it to stop the damned things. Some people it makes it worse.

I was able to take the obsessive mind movies to near nil after knowing every single fact of the affair. Yes, the sh-t that I knew kinda haunted me. Then again...my wife had a physical affair with some f'ng scumbag. So, it's gonna hurt. But knowing WHAT really happened saved my brain the more horrible things I thought.

 

[the guy]

I'm with digs.
You have to know what your dealing with and if you can forgive , you have to know what you are forgiving.

 

[barbados]

Ok, sorry but if you want any real help here, you have to be willing to give more details than this.

You say "My wife had two affairs with two different men 22 years ago"

How did you find this out?
Were you told by someone else ?
Did she come clean ?

Sorry but can't give any meaningful advice without more disclosure.

 

[MrMathias]

I want every detail I can get. I even had my WW show me positions, places, how he held her when they watched a movie.

Fact is my imagination is better than anything they came up with, so knowing the truth has been helpful to me. I want to face the full puzzle so I can process it. I'm pretty sure I don't have mind movies, at least not debilitating ones. I've been told my interest in specificity isn't healthy, but who can say?
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[SomedayDig]

Regret214, my WW said the following to me just a month ago..."Do you want me to sit here and be a puddle of sorry and hurt?"

The f'ng answer is "YES!!!"

If you answer otherwise, you're a liar...and you ain't EVER gonna get through this sh-t.

 

[confusedFather]

Digs and guy - I agree. I'm fairly certain what my brain would have come up with would have been worse. The thing about knowing what you are forgiving is important as well, I think. I'm a very detail oriented person in all aspects of my life so it only makes sense that I would be here as well.

Two others have mentioned that it's ONLY been five months and that it's fairly fresh. Five months seems like a long time in this regard. Are you saying it's still fresh and that's why I still obsess about it? That's what I keep telling myself. Give it more time and it will go away. It just seems like it would be subsiding by now but in many ways the mind movies are worse now than during the first week. I was dealing with so many other emotions in the beginning I didn't have time for them.

Thanks for the advise and encouragement

 

[confusedFather]

Ok, sorry but if you want any real help here, you have to be willing to give more details than this.

You say "My wife had two affairs with two different men 22 years ago"

How did you find this out?
Were you told by someone else ?
Did she come clean ?

Sorry but can't give any meaningful advice without more disclosure.

None of these questions are relevant to my original post. I'm just wanting to know what other think about getting details. I got as much as I could but am not sure it was the right choice. I'm fairly certain my own imagination would be worse. The only thing is that this is the only thing I still struggle with.

 

[the guy]

Your just a pup, I'm 3 yrs since d-day and you can forgive but you can't forget.
The mind movies can be forced out with a montra, my favorite is "I diserve good things" back in the day I would repeat it a hundred times a hour. These day i don't have mind movies I do have triggers..like when her text goes off.

 

[SomedayDig]

Yes, CF...it IS only 5 months overall that you've known. It is totally acceptable that you "obesess" over it. Hell, Brother...you just learned this stuff. I don't care if it was 1 time 20 years ago or 20 times in 1 year. This sh-t still hurts. Period.

Allow yourself to feel that.

 

[the guy]

I'm a pervert, my imagination was off the charts, it was good to find out that my FWW is a one at a time girl, and circus clowns scare her.
Actually compared to my dirty mind, the sh1t my old lady did with OM's was tame..at least by my standard...but I'm wired different then most.

 

[SomedayDig]

If you are like me:

It will get better....for a while.

Then it will start again...for a while.

Then it will get better... for a while.

The cycle continues and after a year or two the intrusive thoughts stop.

Unless there is a new episode of deceit, when you start again in abbreviated cycles.

It's going to be a while yet for you, I am afraid. Five months in this business is nothing.

I agree with this sooooo f'ng much.

1 month out I was like, "I got this".

2 months out I was like, "You gotta be sh-tting me!!"

4 months out I was like, "I got this".

6 months out I was like, "Get me the fck outta here!!!"

8 months out I was like..............you get it.

Don't let your guard down. Understand this f'ng sh-t for what it is. It sucks. Your significant other sought someone else. No matter what...that sucks moose balls.

Period.

 

[C-man]

I'm with the "want to know all" group. The trouble is, my STBXW has not said anything beyond admitting (one week AFTER she moved out) to the PA - almost 4 years after the fact (2 years previously, she let me think it was just an EA which began in summer 2008 and ended fall 2009.)

So I have to deal with my very active imagination. The thing is, our sex life was good - even during the affair and during our false R, and pretty satisfying until the last year (when I felt like I was the only one initiating). The worst thing, and still bothers me, is looking at photographs from the summer (2009) she had the affair. Eg - pictures of the family or pictures of the weekends I had my girls out to the cottage and my wife stayed in the city. Kind of taints everything when I imagine that my wife was probably humping her young golf pal at the exact moment a particular photograph was taken. And I wonder if she did things with him that she wouldn't do with me.

I think that knowing everything would definitely help - but am realistic enough to know that I will never get that information.

My IC thinks that one of the most important step for moving on, for me, would be to get into another relationship. Maybe erase the mind movies by making some of my own.

Problem is, during low periods (like this weekend where we got together for dinner to celebrate my youngest daughter's birthday) - deep down, I still feel married and just not in the "dating" frame of mind (coming up on two months since she moved out). But I am working on it, slowly....

 

[the guy]

I agree with this sooooo f'ng much.

1 month out I was like, "I got this".

2 months out I was like, "You gotta be sh-tting me!!"

4 months out I was like, "I got this".

6 months out I was like, "Get me the fck outta here!!!"

8 months out I was like..............you get it.

Don't let your guard down. Understand this f'ng sh-t for what it is. It sucks. Your significant other sought someone else. No matter what...that sucks moose balls.

Period.

I was like that on a hour by hour bases, not month to month:lol:

 

[DavidWYoung]

Doubt, I think this is the right word. You will always have doubt.You will wonder "Is this true or is she fooling me?" I could go on but I am crazy now. Good luck David

 

[Shaggy]

The problem is that you have details, it's that your wife cheated and you are dealing with her betrayal. If you had details or not you would still be having horrible mind movies and triggers. The only difference is you'd be triggering on things you entirely imagined instead of things based on the truth.