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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't know how to keep this short and sweet because this is a hellish drawn-out nightmare, but I'll do my best. Married 7/08, very short dating...whirlwind romance, husband and I both 40 & 41. We both came w/custody of a daughter each. Right after the honeymoon he began exhibiting extreme mood swings/anger/resentment/yelling/disrespect to all in the house, me bearing the brunt. He says his moodiness is because I don't have sex w/him enough and I respond that it's hard to be attracted to someone who verbally and emotionally abuses you. We've been in counseling since 1/09...just a few months after we got married. Yep.
Here's the big stuff: this past summer we found out I was pregnant and it was dangerous, possibly ectopic. Had to have emergency surgery, turned out to be ok and docs said we "might" have a viable pregnancy. Two days after surgery, my husband had one of his "explosions" and threw me and my daughter out of our new house...middle of the night, no money, in our pj's. Said "I hate this family..get what you need and get out!" Got help to stay in a hotel that night...couldn't even drive, still on painkillers from surgery 2 days prior. He later apologizes and confesses to our minister he needs help to save our marriage, we start counseling w/minister in addition to another counselor. A few weeks later I find a 10 page blog he's written saying how he wishes he could sleep around and get some satisfaction, he self-fellaciates in private and is fantasizing about every woman he sees. I address that in therapy and nothing comes of it. Weeks later I lose the baby at 10 weeks. Had to have a DNC; he was basically just a ride to the hospital, not supportive. I was devastated, still grieving. Weeks after that I find something else he's written...a personal ad for sex. I confronted him and he said he never posted it on the internet but felt better just for writing it, still saying that if I'd have sex w/him more often he wouldn't have to do such things (basically excusing his responsibility.) Btw, we only have sex 1 or 2x a month, I'd have it more if he wasn't just an AH. His explosive behavior has continued as he's not following the suggestions by any of our (now 3) different counselors. Just tonight he blew up because my daughter was using our shower instead of hers. Who cares? He yelled, stormed out and slammed the door. Everyone is scared of him, especially me since I'm still healing from being thrown out of my own house and finding personal ads, etc. I can't help it, but just yesterday I read an email to his brother where he said "the picture of that chick you know is hot...I'd hit that but not divorced....otherwise I'd go for it." His brother writes back that I'm just staying in the marriage for money and how my husband deserves much better. Hubby wrote back, "I deserve the occassional suprise bj with all I have to put up with." I was so mad when I read it, but I did give him a suprise bj later on, just to spite him, although I wanted to castrate him while doing it.
So...why am I staying? Because deep down I love the good parts of him, my daughter calls him "Daddy" not knowing her real father and finally feeling secure now that she has one, I don't have a backup plan if I leave him, I don't want to go through a divorce, I just want to be happy! When I put this all down on paper I'd say only an insane woman should stay with this guy and I feel stupid for trying to make it work, but isn't that what you're supposed to do??? His family hates me (another long story) and he's banned his parents from coming to our house since they both disrespected me (wonder where he gets it.) So there's tension there too. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells at all times, and I was a strong, independant single mom from 13 years before I met him! I take suggestions and have worked hard on my defects of character daily (not perfect!) but he refuses to let go of his inappropriate behavior saying it's too hard for him to change, yet he loves me and wants to stay married. When do you know when to leave/how much is enough...and does something like this ever heal?
 

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Something like HIM THROWING YOU OUT AFTER SURGERY WITH NO CLOTHES doesnt heal!! You walk on eggshells, and now your daughter does too, not knowing when shes going to be thrown into the cold. Even if he started doing everything right from here on out (99% positive he wont), youll still have the anxious feeling like Dr Jekyll is under there somewhere. He loves you very much and wants you to stay....he wants that so that he has someone to abuse when he's stressed. Which to me it sounds like thats what sets him off...stress. You and your daughter cant live like that. YOu were an independent, single mother before....you will be again. Take little baby steps to get yourself together and "get your ducks in a row". I know personally how much separation hurts...but that hurt heals with time. But as time goes by, his temper is going to get worse and then you'll have wasted 3 years and then 5 yrs then ten, of not having everything you and your daughter deserve. Keep looking in the mirror and telling yourself you deserve the best...I did that. And one day, I believed it and started living it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for the response, I really need to hear some objectivity. I just can't figure out why a man would go to three different counselors a week with me if he didn't want to change? I mean, most men (I think) would just either walk away or not go to therapy at all. So that gives me hope that he wants to stop behaving badly, only he isn't trying hard enough. Am I just intellualizing this too much and just making it overcomplicated? Part of me feels like I just need to be patient and that he didn't become a jerk overnight so he won't be "all better" overnight either. If I leave now, I may miss out on a miracle or I'll never know if I gave him the chance he deserved to get better. I don't know what to do, it's killing me! I cry every other day because of this man..it's emotional torture.
 

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How this reads to a man - and a long term happily married man with a great wife and a financially solid footing:
- You used sex to hook this guy during your whirlwind romance
- You mainly found his financial situation appealing and he was nice to you
- As soon as you got married you immediately slowed the sex WAY down
- He got angry - felt used and his behavior changed in a highly negative way (I am NOT saying his behavior is ok it is not)
- You then blamed the sexual frequency on his bad behavior but the truth is you are not that attracted to him and if he had not complained you likely would have as little sex with him as you could
- This IS all about the money or you would be SO gone - and soon he will just accept you really aren't and never will be attracted to him and he will end it

If he had been sane - right after the marriage when you started freezing him out he would have realized the game and divorced you.


I don't know how to keep this short and sweet because this is a hellish drawn-out nightmare, but I'll do my best. Married 7/08, very short dating...whirlwind romance, husband and I both 40 & 41. We both came w/custody of a daughter each. Right after the honeymoon he began exhibiting extreme mood swings/anger/resentment/yelling/disrespect to all in the house, me bearing the brunt. He says his moodiness is because I don't have sex w/him enough and I respond that it's hard to be attracted to someone who verbally and emotionally abuses you. We've been in counseling since 1/09...just a few months after we got married. Yep.
Here's the big stuff: this past summer we found out I was pregnant and it was dangerous, possibly ectopic. Had to have emergency surgery, turned out to be ok and docs said we "might" have a viable pregnancy. Two days after surgery, my husband had one of his "explosions" and threw me and my daughter out of our new house...middle of the night, no money, in our pj's. Said "I hate this family..get what you need and get out!" Got help to stay in a hotel that night...couldn't even drive, still on painkillers from surgery 2 days prior. He later apologizes and confesses to our minister he needs help to save our marriage, we start counseling w/minister in addition to another counselor. A few weeks later I find a 10 page blog he's written saying how he wishes he could sleep around and get some satisfaction, he self-fellaciates in private and is fantasizing about every woman he sees. I address that in therapy and nothing comes of it. Weeks later I lose the baby at 10 weeks. Had to have a DNC; he was basically just a ride to the hospital, not supportive. I was devastated, still grieving. Weeks after that I find something else he's written...a personal ad for sex. I confronted him and he said he never posted it on the internet but felt better just for writing it, still saying that if I'd have sex w/him more often he wouldn't have to do such things (basically excusing his responsibility.) Btw, we only have sex 1 or 2x a month, I'd have it more if he wasn't just an AH. His explosive behavior has continued as he's not following the suggestions by any of our (now 3) different counselors. Just tonight he blew up because my daughter was using our shower instead of hers. Who cares? He yelled, stormed out and slammed the door. Everyone is scared of him, especially me since I'm still healing from being thrown out of my own house and finding personal ads, etc. I can't help it, but just yesterday I read an email to his brother where he said "the picture of that chick you know is hot...I'd hit that but not divorced....otherwise I'd go for it." His brother writes back that I'm just staying in the marriage for money and how my husband deserves much better. Hubby wrote back, "I deserve the occassional suprise bj with all I have to put up with." I was so mad when I read it, but I did give him a suprise bj later on, just to spite him, although I wanted to castrate him while doing it.
So...why am I staying? Because deep down I love the good parts of him, my daughter calls him "Daddy" not knowing her real father and finally feeling secure now that she has one, I don't have a backup plan if I leave him, I don't want to go through a divorce, I just want to be happy! When I put this all down on paper I'd say only an insane woman should stay with this guy and I feel stupid for trying to make it work, but isn't that what you're supposed to do??? His family hates me (another long story) and he's banned his parents from coming to our house since they both disrespected me (wonder where he gets it.) So there's tension there too. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells at all times, and I was a strong, independant single mom from 13 years before I met him! I take suggestions and have worked hard on my defects of character daily (not perfect!) but he refuses to let go of his inappropriate behavior saying it's too hard for him to change, yet he loves me and wants to stay married. When do you know when to leave/how much is enough...and does something like this ever heal?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for your male feedback, even if I don't agree with it. I can only include the facts here, one of which was that he doesn't have money himself, his parents do. They've loaned us money when we were first married when we both unexpectedly lost our jobs. They later used that against us and it's hurt our marriage in many ways; we agreed it was better not to accept help from them ever again. If we divorce I wouldn't be getting their money, I'd be getting half of what we now have together.
Sexually, I didn't "hook" him into marriage. I was genuinely attracted to him when everything was happy and we didn't argue and he didn't yell. I have physical needs that too, maybe not like his, but when it's tense between us, my sexual needs aren't getting met either. Do you have sex w/your spouse when neither of you have spoken to each other in days? I don't....I'm genuinely scared of him.




How this reads to a man - and a long term happily married man with a great wife and a financially solid footing:
- You used sex to hook this guy during your whirlwind romance
- You mainly found his financial situation appealing and he was nice to you
- As soon as you got married you immediately slowed the sex WAY down
- He got angry - felt used and his behavior changed in a highly negative way (I am NOT saying his behavior is ok it is not)
- You then blamed the sexual frequency on his bad behavior but the truth is you are not that attracted to him and if he had not complained you likely would have as little sex with him as you could
- This IS all about the money or you would be SO gone - and soon he will just accept you really aren't and never will be attracted to him and he will end it

If he had been sane - right after the marriage when you started freezing him out he would have realized the game and divorced you.
 

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Think about your daughter. I know she calls him "daddy", but ask yourself this question: Do you want your daughter marrying a man just like your husband? Children learn about love and relationships from their parents -- do you really want her to think that this kind of love is okay? You and you daughter need to be safe.
 

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Merry Merry,
I'm so sorry to hear about what's been happening. I'm not an advocate of breaking up families, however, I do beleive that it becomes neccessary when one member becomes an increasing threat to the rest. The red flags are definitely visible.
You are not recieving the respect that you deserve neither is your child. THAT is a deal-breaker. I'm not suggesting a hasty divorce, I'm simply saying that his behavior warrants you standing up for yourself by "drawing the line" once and for all even if it means packing your bags. The bottom line is that you have the right to respect yourself enough not to accept this kind of behavior from him. I'm not being unsympathetic towards him. His behavior is driven by insecurities and pain that he is venting on his family. All things considered, tough love demands that you do what's neccessary to protect you and your child from both physical and emotional abuse. I hope that these words have helped.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for the feedback, it does help. I understand what you're saying, and I have set boundaries for him. I've said "this is unacceptable and illegal" (throwing us out.) I said "can you make a commitment to me that you will stop this emotional and verbal abuse?" and his response was "yes, I will stop." Then two days later he's cursing at me, he even told my daughter (when asked what's wrong) that "Your Mom is being a B." Nice, eh? He admitted that was wrong to say that to my child, but the damage has already been done. I'm scared to get a divorce, I feel like I've become codependant on someone unhealthy. You're right though, I have to do what's best for my daughter too. She doesn't want us to divorce, but she's in therapy now because of all this. Her therapist said we're one of the worst cases she's seen (lovely!) But she said she'll only treat my daughter if we agree to all be seen together too, since this is a family problem, not just my daughter's problem. The newest counselor seems more aggressive so I feel like I need to give her a chance. Just not sure if I can take the abuse while I wait. As I said in our last counseling session, not even the risk of losing his family is enough to stop his abusive behavior...and he just said "I'm trying." Try harder I say! The counselor also said that we all had to stop yelling at each other, so guess what...I haven't yelled once, even when it was killing me to hold it in. I am trying to do my part, but feel like my strings are about to snap. p.s. I don't want to "pack my bags" because I was told if I leave first he could use "abandonment" against me in court. When I feel like leaving, I just sleep on the sofa instead (which really p's him off.) Otherwise, it's like that movie "Sleeping w/the Enemy."

Merry Merry,
I'm so sorry to hear about what's been happening. I'm not an advocate of breaking up families, however, I do beleive that it becomes neccessary when one member becomes an increasing threat to the rest. The red flags are definitely visible.
You are not recieving the respect that you deserve neither is your child. THAT is a deal-breaker. I'm not suggesting a hasty divorce, I'm simply saying that his behavior warrants you standing up for yourself by "drawing the line" once and for all even if it means packing your bags. The bottom line is that you have the right to respect yourself enough not to accept this kind of behavior from him. I'm not being unsympathetic towards him. His behavior is driven by insecurities and pain that he is venting on his family. All things considered, tough love demands that you do what's neccessary to protect you and your child from both physical and emotional abuse. I hope that these words have helped.
 

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Hi
I saw the movie "sleeping with the enemy" lol. I wonder who I'll see on the Dr. Phil show? Just teasing a bit. I think you should begin making plans which include becoming self-supported just in case the future gets uglier. Survival requires proactive preparation. It can't be harder than enduring the abuse could it?
Anyway, I'm glad to hear that your family is in counselling. Hopefully, your husband will discover what's REALLY eating at him in the process. Meanwhile, keep your head up.:smthumbup:
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I told my husband in counseling that if he doesn't address some of the stuff that's eating at him, that it'll carry over in future relationships if we divorce. Some of his hangups are residual from his last marriage, and being imposed on me. He told me it had gotten physical with her towards the end but she "provoked" him. I don't know that throwing us out of the house is different behavior for him, and I feel he's not changed much since that marriage. No, I didn't know about that stuff until after we were married.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
After reading some things in these forums over the past 24 hours, I'm trying to "act normal" around him while amping up my resume and getting ready to get in a more financially sound position. I'm not going to tell him that I'm doing this in order to leave him, but I think it's wise to prepare by finding a job now. He wants me to just be at home, but I think that's in order to feel in control of me. He's also been really abusive verbally to me and the kids..yelling for no reason, slamming doors, stomping about. I even tried utilizing some things from counseling like saying "you're behavior is scaring me and the children and I'd like you to stop." And he just responds "So? I don't care." Hours later, after the kids had come to me saying "Mom, can we stay upstairs with you away from Dad?" he finally had time to chill and came to me and apologized. He admitted that no one had done anything wrong but him. I quietly accepted his apology, but instead of that giving me hope for his progress, I just thought to myself "That's right buddy...you grow all you want, but I'm not putting up with this garbage anymore. Apologize all you want...I'll pretend to accept it, and when I can afford it, I'm going to a lawyer." I need to detach (something else I read on here) and look out for myself. I keep thinking that "hope" is something that I need....but it's "false home" that I'm actually getting! I need to change from victim in this marriage to strong survivor like I was when single. I may need help with that detachment thing...plus I think he can sometimes tell when I'm faking that things are ok, he knows I'm up to something perhaps.
 
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