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People here don’t have an emotional attachment to your story and can often see things you don’t due to this.

i find this place Very helpful in my current situation.

professional help is nice and all, but I tend to be very unlucky with my choices and end up disliking therapists. Then I get frustrated and unmotivated to find new ones and re-try.

much easier to come here.
 

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In my opinion not that much, and the limited help is not by the answer you need, instead by your talking and pouring out some stress.
There can be several reasons.
(1) You can hardly describe full story with all details. And most cases, tiny details are most important. Most comments are judgmental based on partial facts.
(2) Even if you tell full story, a lot of times, it cannot really help. The same word said, same action taken by one in the story, can be interpreted differently by people from different population, because each population with different educational background, professions, economic standards, religions, ...... all can affect.
(3) Some people seem to be very obsessed with certain stories, and want to feel the excitement by fitting you into his/her favorite story.
If you need help, you need seek for professional help. But you can release stress on this forum, and no more than this.

Also, I wonder people who post extremely long posts many each day, are they get paid from the forum or they are very rich, no need to work? The point is that often time (I did not go through a lot of threads though), they mistook, and the very long comments are based on wrong assumption.....

In any case, the forum is a place for people to release stress. In this sense, this is "good" forum.
Moreover, this seems like a place for some people to kill time and may be have some fun?

I decided not to come again, at least not so often.
Here's how I look at it.

"How much help can you get from this forum"?

Been here long enough to see that there are quite a few people on this forum who have a lot of wisdom to share. Most of it learned from their life experiences and much of it experiencing a great deal of pain.

So instead of knocking the forum, how about being grateful that there are people who are willing to take the most valuable resource they have (their time) to help others going through trials in their life.

Is there needless comments and people recommending bad advice? Yes but for crying out loud It's the internet.

All it takes is one nugget that could help you turn your situation around. It may just be to encourage a poster. Being able to weed through the comments/advice isn't a reflection on the people posting but rather the person seeking help.

If you haven't found any help here at all but just to vent then that's on you.

What comes to mind when reading your first post on this thread is "don't cast pearls before swine".

Maybe go somewhere else on the internet to find the meaning of this because you obviously don't know nor do I expect anyone here on TAM willing to take the time to explain it to you.

In order to recognize valuable advice one has to open their heart. It may just be me but your heart screams of bitterness.
 

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The beauty of discussion boards like this one is you get responses from a diverse group of people with varied experiences some vastly different from your own. It's unlikely that any one response will be that perfect answer, giving you a formula you need to follow step by step to achieve your heart's desire.

Rather it forces you voice the question or concern you have. Hopefully to distill it down to its essential elements. Then you read the responses & think about them. As you observed hopefully this leads you to contemplate your situation on a deeper level & your own ruminations lead you to the solution that words best for you.

For example & this comes up a lot -- people come on here convinced they are right & their partner is wrong about opposite sex friends &/or porn use. There are people on the forums who are both staunchly pro & con, with others who take a more nuanced approached. Reading the responses should help the poster see other points of view & then hopefully talk to their own SO in a constructive manner to resolve the issue in a way that works for them.

With life, people & problems there is no one size fits all. A discussion is more like a way to talk & hopefully find what works for you.
 

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Sometimes in the very few first sentences that a new OP explains their situation, and/or their replies, you can tell right away who's who. Some OP are so fragile in their ego that the very first mention of anything that hits home to them, they rapidly retreat all flustered, upset, and in shame simply because they just can't handle to be told the truth in their face. They either disappear, or are so combatant due to their inability to see things any other way but their own (big red flag), and then they wonder why they have so much wrong going their way.
 

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I like to use this forum for peer review into my thought processes, even though I may disagree or need to set the record straight from time to time it's better than an echo chamber for my thoughts. There are things I also don't even trust friends to discuss about, and or they have their own problems.

So yeah, it helps.
 

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professional help is nice and all, but I tend to be very unlucky with my choices and end up disliking therapists. Then I get frustrated and unmotivated to find new ones and re-try.
During my separation/divorce neither my therapist nor my lawyer were particularly good at their jobs.

Just because someone is able to obtain a degree and set up a business doesn't automatically make them an asset.
 

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Anyone coming here in hopes that a forum will replace professional advice or help (therapist, lawyer, etc), is a fool.
When I came to this site in 2014, I was LOST.

A handful of key posters on this site provided me FAR MORE than the three different IC's I tried during the same period of time. It was not even close.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk
 

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Who was it who helped you learn the truth about your wife? Was it a professional? Nope. Do you feel like a fool?
I didn't intend for my first response to be taken that way, though it was quite short so I'm not surprised.

I absolutely do think this forum can be useful. It just shouldn't be expected to replace IC, MC, or a lawyer.

You're right about who helped me in the early days, 100%. My wife and I did see therapists before I ever came to TAM, and I had one tell me what was going on was totally normal. It wasn't and people here very quickly pointed that out. I don't think a single person said it was normal and everything was hunky-dory.

I had a ton of people here who wanted to help me, whether their advice was something I agreed with or not. There is a ton of knowledge that can be shared here, and a lot of it comes from people experiencing it firsthand or being here for years and reading similar stories over and over. It definitely has its place in helping people out, just like therapists and lawyers (good ones!) have their place as well.

When I needed to vent, I could easily do that here. Was it helpful? I don't know. It certainly felt like it at the time, but doing that also tends to get me "stuck" in it rather than letting it go. Helpful and unhelpful advice followed, but like mentioned above - take what works for you and leave the rest. The people who I found the most helpful in the very early days and thought I'd leave/just wanted to **** talk my wife were not the ones I found helpful later on when I decided to stay married. Is that bad or good? I don't know, but the variety can be helpful sometimes and I know (most of) those people meant well.

In between the venting there was a TON of information shared with me that helped a lot. Information that without TAM I wouldn't have known. When I was trying to understand my wife, I had people here who helped me a ton with that as well - especially @Affaircare and @turnera. I'm sure there were others as well but those are the first two that come to mind. I think I would have been lost without that help, or broke - one of the two! That advice was invaluable.

When I decided to stay married, I took a 5-6 month break from TAM because very few agreed with my decision and TAM became unhelpful. That is an area where TAM is unhelpful, IMO. I would not call this a supportive environment for people who choose to reconcile after infidelity. That's based on my experience and maybe others would disagree with me, who knows. At this point, I have no desire to vent here about my situation or tell the internet my life story. Partly because I just don't need to do that and I recognize that it isn't helpful anymore, but also because doing it here would be more harmful than helpful.

That doesn't mean TAM is useless to me now though. I think what people can get from TAM can change over time, and I did return so it can't be that bad! For a while, I found it helpful to "give back" and help others. At least something good could come out of the ****storm. Now, some days I find it triggering and I have to be careful not to let it ruin my mood or pull me back too much. That has been an off and on pattern for the last few years, though.

Reading threads by others helps as well, like @No Longer Lonely Husband. If he says something that is the same or similar to whatever I'm dealing with, it helps. The whole "not alone" thing I guess.

Do I feel like a fool for coming here? No. For other reasons sure, but not for coming here.
 

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In my opinion not that much, and the limited help is not by the answer you need, instead by your talking and pouring out some stress.
There can be several reasons.
(1) You can hardly describe full story with all details. And most cases, tiny details are most important. Most comments are judgmental based on partial facts.
(2) Even if you tell full story, a lot of times, it cannot really help. The same word said, same action taken by one in the story, can be interpreted differently by people from different population, because each population with different educational background, professions, economic standards, religions, ...... all can affect.
(3) Some people seem to be very obsessed with certain stories, and want to feel the excitement by fitting you into his/her favorite story.
If you need help, you need seek for professional help. But you can release stress on this forum, and no more than this.

Also, I wonder people who post extremely long posts many each day, are they get paid from the forum or they are very rich, no need to work? The point is that often time (I did not go through a lot of threads though), they mistook, and the very long comments are based on wrong assumption.....

In any case, the forum is a place for people to release stress. In this sense, this is "good" forum.
Moreover, this seems like a place for some people to kill time and may be have some fun?

I decided not to come again, at least not so often.
Moderator note:-

You are rude, mocking, entitled and derisive. Mocking people who took the time from their busy days/life to offer you help.

Why would you ask for help or advice on TAM, because you have the appearance of being someone who knows everything already?

You are right. You don't have to come to TAM. Please don't.
 

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When I came to this site in 2014, I was LOST.

A handful of key posters on this site provided me FAR MORE than the three different IC's I tried during the same period of time. It was not even close.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk
Yep. I see it exactly the same way.

There are some key posters here (You know who you are :ROFLMAO: ) that desperately want me to get back to IC.

I will in due time. Or at least, I'll try again. I won't hold my breath thinking I'll get lucky and find one that actually does a good job for me. Who knows though. I may get lucky - which is why I'll try again once I can get my life settled back down.

The information and insight I've received from some of the posters here (including the moderator whom I'm quoting in this post) have changed my outlook on my life. I am seeing things differently for sure and it has increased my efficiency in solving my problems as opposed to trying to figure it all out alone.
 

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@bobert said something that also really stuck with me: People here can point out things that are not "normal".

You don't know what you don't know.

There are a variety of ways for spouses/SO's to gaslight and manipulate. I had NO CLUE that was happening to me. Do I feel like a fool for falling for those kinds of things? Yeah. I have my pride to look after..... but once I could get past that, it certainly was nice to see a wide variety of people from all different perspectives be able to figure out what was going on. What wasn't normal.
 

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TAM helped me through my divorce. Not so much all the opinions. Just being able to vent and have others listen. I no longer even think of the cheating and the lying. I think TAM and the discussions I had here helped me recover more quickly. I still get triggered by certain topics but it’s all part of the healing process I suppose.
 

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Well, this site provided me with the motivation to rip off the bandaid and go to immediately to “180 mode”, and to call ******** on the “cheaterspeak” flowing out of my FWWs mouth.

I still remember sitting at my kitchen table on a Sunday morning and my wife asking me for a separation. I slammed the palm of my hand down on the table and said what a great idea! Went upstairs and got a hanging bag and a suitcase and said “pack up and move on out.You are not going to bang anyone in our house. You are the one moving out.”…..left her dumbfounded LOL.

We are able to recover……life is good now.
 

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Everyone’s idea of “help” is different, too. Sometimes, you just need to know you’re not alone if you’re going through a difficult time, or maybe you want to pay it forward since you’ve gained support in the past. It’s really no different than advice you may get offline - cherry pick what makes sense for your situation.
 

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I'll say its like any other Internet message forum, it has its good and bad points. I hang out on a few automotive sites and while the subject is different, the posting styles are the same.


There are posters who come to post just to vent. (Guy wants car to go faster but has no idea what to do)

There are posters that are helpful (Guy has been racing for 50 years and loves to share advice)

There are posters that just want to see themselves post. (Guy doesn't even have a car but talks like he does)

There are posters who are full of themselves and others really shouldn't listen (Guy bought a fast car from someone else and now tells everyone how smart he is and how he wins all his races and yet knows nothing about how they work)

There are posters who come just to fight and put others down. (Guy has no idea what he is doing but loves to tell others they are wrong about their cars)

There are some who are indeed genuine and helpful (Guy is your friendly neighbor who just wants to help)


The biggest thing you have to do on those sites and here is be able to identify all the players listed above.
 
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