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Discussion Starter #1
Good afternoon everyone,
I am new to this site but I just feel I need some advice and wanted to know what the general concensus is on how much you can forgive someone before its gets past breaking point?

My story is quite long so I wont go through all of it but my wife (now seperated) had an affair and based her new career on this person. They are not together anymore but she met her current boyfriend who she now lives with and he was her mentor in her new job, in this new career.
Theres so much water under the bridge and everyday is so hard despite being 6 months since we seperated and 18 months since I found out about the affair. We tried for 12 months to make things work but because of her new career and the positions it puts her in, it was too hard for me to completely 'let go' and trust 100%.

Theres 2 children involved so its not like I can just walk away for the rest of my life.

My ex has made it clear how shes thrown all of her life away with her actions and is deeply sorry and really does wish it was different. Basically without saying the words I think she wants to be back together. Ive never seen her like this before. Shes in such a state over everything.
For me with everything thats happened it was so tough and still is to deal with. She was someone I idolised and did everything I could to make our family happy and secure and my world came crashing down.
How much do you think people can forgive because as much as I still love her, theres so much water under the bridge and I just dont know what to do right now.

Its like I want to stand tall and strong and say no but I feel myself being down about it a lot and cant move on enough.

Thank you for any comments.
 

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I think you should forgive. Not doing so will ride on your mind. Never forget! Now, it appears your WW is all about making you plan B. The grass not greener on the other side yadda yadda. Why not complete the D if you have not already. Maybe start to date again. Start over. If none of that appeals to you, go NC as much as possible. Kid logistics talk only. No emotional talk. No can you fix my leaky sink crap. That escapade is over. This will help you detach. Without a doubt, another will come along and command your attention, love and respect you. Your XW will be just that, your XW.
 

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Holy hell, your kidding right? Your the only thing that she knows who has his **** together. Now she's sorry.

So that we can understand, your divorced or just separated? And she throwing in the kids now? Good grief man. I heard of gullible, but come on.

It's reeks of weakness, on your part it you take her back. For what purpose, until sees fed and clothed then tell you she tried again and ripping that wound open again which will probably do you in.
 

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So that we can understand, your divorced or just separated? And she throwing in the kids now? Good grief man. I heard of gullible, but come on.
Were seperated. Were still really amicable and for the kids especially so. They are my main concern but I just dont know if its a huge weakness taking her back. She hasnt thrown anything at me, shes very open and admits its all her fault whats happened and why we are where we are.

I have tried dating a little so far and its been not only a welcome distraction from this side of my life but also good to try and feel for others.
 

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Were seperated. Were still really amicable and for the kids especially so. They are my main concern but I just dont know if its a huge weakness taking her back. She hasnt thrown anything at me, shes very open and admits its all her fault whats happened and why we are where we are.

I have tried dating a little so far and its been not only a welcome distraction from this side of my life but also good to try and feel for others.
There you have it. You are seeing others and it is a good distraction and connection outside the crap sandwich your WW fed you. So, do you take your WW back and become the town warden watching your WW every move, text, phone call, search on the internet and GPS tracker on the car...or......do you let your WW sit and wonder why she screwed up an entire family while you find another who will love and respect you?

BTW, it is nice your WW owns her crap in this. It does not make it all better though.
 

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Were seperated. Were still really amicable and for the kids especially so. They are my main concern but I just dont know if its a huge weakness taking her back. She hasnt thrown anything at me, shes very open and admits its all her fault whats happened and why we are where we are.

I have tried dating a little so far and its been not only a welcome distraction from this side of my life but also good to try and feel for others.
Admitting faults isn't the same as doing something about those faults. It's a cop-out, nothing to fix it just accept me as I am. Horse pucky.
 

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shes thrown all of her life away with her actions and is deeply sorry and really does wish it was different
Well, she can wish in one hand, and **** in the other, and see which one materializes faster.

The word "forgive" is a wonderful word. It is more applicable to the betrayed person than the betrayer. And, it is much more beneficial to the betrayed than the betrayer. For your own sake, and the sake of your children, maintain the conditions of forgiveness.

There is, however, no requirement in "forgiveness" for you to reconcile and re-establish a home with her. It simply means that you have given up the "right" to return evil for evil, and have chosen to act in "good" toward her instead. You have done this, already.

If there is actually any question in your mind regarding "taking her back".... that question should be:

If you were given the opportunity to marry a woman, about whom you know the things you know NOW about your wife, would you accept ?

@Tilted 1 has it right on the nose. Your wife is "wishing it was different", which is a far cry from "doing the work required to make it different". I'd have to see the elbow grease first.
 

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My ex has made it clear how shes thrown all of her life away with her actions and is deeply sorry and really does wish it was different. Basically without saying the words, I think she wants to be back together.
Basically, without saying the words, she isn't giving you ****. If she isn't saying "I want to be with you for the rest of my life" she isn't committing to anything.

To rebuild any trust would take years. Other than wistfully yearning for her old life back, she would have to do very heavy "work" to rebuild your former relationship.

Here are actions she would have to take for any kind of reconciliation to even be considered:

  1. As long as she is living with another man, you have no options. He or She must move out.
  2. Change jobs. (This may have to be delayed for now because of the virus scare and economic downturn). She valued climbing the corporate ladder more than her family. She would have to take this step as the den of iniquity she works in would always have you wondering "Who's up next?"
  3. She goes to HR. These are very inappropriate Supervisor/Underling relationships. There are all sorts of legal ramifications (This also may need to be delayed till the air clears).
  4. She must take a polygraph to find out if she is telling the truth as far as her intentions are concerned. Un-announced polygraphs may be demanded to check on her later.
  5. Sign a strict Post-Nuptial Agreement favorable to you.
  6. She would have to agree to total transparency with all communications. No privacy between husband and wife.
  7. Even with all these actions, she would have to re-enter the relationship understanding that there is no guarantee of forgiveness on your part.
  8. For her to regain equality in the relationship, which is the only healthy type of relationship, it will take years. Are you & she really willing to endure for this to take place?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Skerzoid thank you and thank you to everyone else so far.

Ive never thought of taking this to the extremes like is listed.
I have thought that I would have to ask her a number of things she must do in order to make this work.
One of which would probably be to quit her job. She joined the Police and in the UK the police does have a reputation for affairs and infidelity. Its rife actually. I would need her to give up this career which is a big ask in my eyes but if she genuinely wants to be with me I think it would need to be done.
The other is to change her mobile number and remove herself off social media. I would need this to reduce her interaction with other people and to see how committed she was to the relationship.
This does sound to me like im being controlling and I dont like this sort of thing but for me to build any level of trust I would need to see that I (and the kids) am the main focus.
 

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This does sound to me like im being controlling and I dont like this sort of thing but for me to build any level of trust I would need to see that I (and the kids) am the main focus.
It's not controlling, it's only the minimum and beginning of what she would need to earn your forgiveness. Period!!
 

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Police, Medical Staff, Educators (I'm a teacher/coach myself) all seem to be riff with this stuff. You would have to be controlling in the years leading up to a re-establishment of equality in the marriage. Equality = Trust. Until she has proved herself worthy, you would have to be in control. Otherwise, get ready for a repeat. She has shown what she is negatively capable of.
 

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" They are not together anymore but she met her current boyfriend who she now lives with and he was her mentor in her new job, in this new career. "

Umm, WHAT? She feels bad and wants to come back BUT SHE IS LIVING WITH HER BF from her Job?
The logic escapes me. You should know she is STILL not trustworthy -- I BET she didn't tell her BF she wanted to leave and come back to you. So, if she is still hiding things, why do you think she is honest with YOU?
 

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Skerzoid thank you and thank you to everyone else so far.

Ive never thought of taking this to the extremes like is listed.
I have thought that I would have to ask her a number of things she must do in order to make this work.
One of which would probably be to quit her job. She joined the Police and in the UK the police does have a reputation for affairs and infidelity. Its rife actually. I would need her to give up this career which is a big ask in my eyes but if she genuinely wants to be with me I think it would need to be done.
The other is to change her mobile number and remove herself off social media. I would need this to reduce her interaction with other people and to see how committed she was to the relationship.
This does sound to me like im being controlling and I dont like this sort of thing but for me to build any level of trust I would need to see that I (and the kids) am the main focus.
Brother, what you wrote here is just the beginning. I mean the very beginning.

Why would you even think to get back with a woman when she is living with her new boy friend? What is that about?

I gotta tell you that your thinking is kind of off here. She has had, any number of affairs because you do not know the truth in any way, and she missed good old reliable, (YOU), and she might want to come home??????

I mean what are you thinking?
 

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I am trying to understand:

1.She left you for one guy while she was in a previous career,
2.then she changed careers (police),
3.then she got involved with her "mentor" (a new level of mentoring, I guess), cheated on guy 1,
4.and now is moved in with the mentoring guy.
5.And I guess she's learned all she can learn from the mentoring.
6.So rather than be honest with mentor guy, she is behind his back telling you she wants you again.
7.If you agree, she will dump him. If not, she will stay with him
8.Meanwhile, the kids went first with one guy, then with the other guy.
9.All in about 18 months.

Is that correct?
 

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" They are not together anymore but she met her current boyfriend who she now lives with and he was her mentor in her new job, in this new career. "

Umm, WHAT? She feels bad and wants to come back BUT SHE IS LIVING WITH HER BF from her Job?
The logic escapes me. You should know she is STILL not trustworthy -- I BET she didn't tell her BF she wanted to leave and come back to you. So, if she is still hiding things, why do you think she is honest with YOU?
I am also shaking my head at how OP can even consider R with her living with her current BF. Dude actions speak louder than words. Oh wait.......she has not actually said anything about R.....only that she is sorry for the original affair.
 

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Good afternoon everyone,
I am new to this site but I just feel I need some advice and wanted to know what the general concensus is on how much you can forgive someone before its gets past breaking point?

My story is quite long so I wont go through all of it but my wife (now seperated) had an affair and based her new career on this person. They are not together anymore but she met her current boyfriend who she now lives with and he was her mentor in her new job, in this new career.
Theres so much water under the bridge and everyday is so hard despite being 6 months since we seperated and 18 months since I found out about the affair. We tried for 12 months to make things work but because of her new career and the positions it puts her in, it was too hard for me to completely 'let go' and trust 100%.

Theres 2 children involved so its not like I can just walk away for the rest of my life.

My ex has made it clear how shes thrown all of her life away with her actions and is deeply sorry and really does wish it was different. Basically without saying the words I think she wants to be back together. Ive never seen her like this before. Shes in such a state over everything.
For me with everything thats happened it was so tough and still is to deal with. She was someone I idolised and did everything I could to make our family happy and secure and my world came crashing down.
How much do you think people can forgive because as much as I still love her, theres so much water under the bridge and I just dont know what to do right now.

Its like I want to stand tall and strong and say no but I feel myself being down about it a lot and cant move on enough.

Thank you for any comments.
Well, first let me say that I hate when people use the word "forgive" to describe this type of scenario.
Forgiveness is 100% a matter of the heart....letting go of hate and bitterness and letting that poison go. It is usually healthy for the wounded party to forgive because it frees their heart up, in a sense, and let's them heal and move on.
A person can "forgive" a cheater but leave the relationship forever. A person can stay married but never forgive their spouse.
We should always forgive. That isn't what we are talking about I'm sure.
You are asking about staying with a partner, staying married or in a relationship.

I have very, very, very hard lines on that. I'd divorce my wife if she ever even kissed another man. The mental picture of another man actually touching my wife everywhere and her him in a sexual way, full intercourse, oral, her feeling those sensations, the passion, those memories permanently engraved in her memories...I would find that utterly repulsive. I would find her forever gross, vile, disgusting, tainted....there is no way I'd EVER want her again and divorce would be the only way.
God almighty could tell me that she'll be the most loyal, loving, selfless, giving wife fore the next 30 years and will never even come close to betraying me again and I couldn't care less. She was with another man...that can never be undone, I would never stay with her. She'd be dead to me. Yet I would forgive her. Family members sometimes forgive the murderers who killed their children. That doesn't mean they have a relationship with the killers and welcome them into their house. They forgive in the heart and move on. You don't have to see or hang out or be MARRIED to the one you forgive.

So forgive your wife if you haven't already.
But....take her back? Give her your heart again? Take her into your bed after she's had another man inside her? Kiss her after her mouth has been all over him, know that for a bit all of her lust and passion and consuming thoughts and desires were all on him, she felt his hands all over her....in the most intimate ways?
I cannot even get my mind around how anyone would EVER stay with a cheater or take them back.
Divorce and remove that person from your life FOREVER..

Think about it, if you take them back you'll be a nervous wreck. You'll always be wondering if they are telling the truth, wondering if they are where they say, playing detective and checking up on them, calling them, wanting to check their email and phone to see if anything is amiss. You won't have peace, you'll have anxiety, you'll always have those mental flashbacks of her with other men.
That is WEAK! Do not live like that. Dump her, divorce her, get her out of your life and get peace. Enjoy life, find yourself again and a new loyal person.
Forgive? Yes.
Take back? NEVER!!!!!!

I think you'd be a fool to take your cheating, lying, selfish, betraying wife back. You'd be in torment and anxious and you'd probably have less than 10% chance it would work and 90% she'll get horny and selfish again a year or two down the line and you'll be kicking yourself for even trying this.
 

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Good afternoon everyone,
I am new to this site but I just feel I need some advice and wanted to know what the general concensus is on how much you can forgive someone before its gets past breaking point?
I may be weird - but I don't understand the question.

Forgive - Stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence, flaw, or mistake.

I don't stop feeling angry because I decide to do so. Anger is not, for me, a choice - it's an emotion. An automatic reaction to something external to me. Just as I don't decide who to love, the date on which I will start to respect someone - or the action that will cause me to dislike a person.

For me - it happens. Emotion is what I feel - not what I decide I will/should/have to do.

Sometimes forgiveness is speeded by understanding - if one knows why a thing was done there may be extenuating circumstances - but beware the flip side - such knowledge may ensure that forgiveness never happens.

There is a difference between choosing to overlook something and forgiveness.

Don't confuse the two.

With overlooking the anger is still there - perhaps buried, perhaps denied - but still there, baleful and dangerous, Whilst it remains it may gradually whittle away at happiness but their is always the potential to erupt catastrophically.

With forgiveness the anger has gone - sadness and regret may remain but the poison has dissipated. Great if it can happen - but I don't believe we can make it happen - and therefore, try as we might, there is always the possibility that it cannot occur. That's not our failure - it is simply reality.

FWIW - I doubt that I would ever forgive had your wife done to me what she has done to you. Having said that - I would never trust her again - and, I suspect, without trust forgiveness is irrelevant.
 
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