[Loves Coffee]

You want a relevant and highly recommended book on this topic, read Married man’s sex life primer by Athol Kay

Ok, so I was going to try to be flirty and initiate tonight, but my wife got off work and came into the kitchen "I'm done for the day! (celebrating) Want to go have sex?" I guess I'll have to try tomorrow. We did flirt in bed, though. I'll check the book out.

 

[ccpowerslave]

That’s what you want GoodDad. She should be wondering about other women if she doesn’t step up to the plate.

Initially my wife was like oh I can’t have sex every day! You want sex everyday? Me: no, once or twice a day ideally. Just say what you want and don’t worry about her reaction to it.

 

[Loves Coffee]

That’s what you want GoodDad. She should be wondering about other women if she doesn’t step up to the plate.

Initially my wife was like oh I can’t have sex every day! You want sex everyday? Me: no, once or twice a day ideally. Just say what you want and don’t worry about her reaction to it.

That's the way. Don't sell yourself short at the start. Shoot for the moon. You don't get what you don't ask for.

 

[DCW]

I used to get turned down a lot. I would ask maybe 5 times and get sex 1 or 2 times. Best thing we did was agree to have sex two times a week, once during the week and once on the weekend. Wife agreed to do that IF I wouldn't ask for more sex than that. That means no hinting, asking or begging for more sex, two times and that is it. We have done this for a long time. I don't have to wonder if I'll get sex, I know I am getting it twice.

Interesting compromise. Genuinely curious…How often were you asking when asking 5 getting 1 or 2 (was it 5 times a week, 5 times a month)?
How long have you been doing it that way? Has it changed since you started (is she better, is she more into it)?

 

[snowbum]

That’s what you want GoodDad. She should be wondering about other women if she doesn’t step up to the plate.

Initially my wife was like oh I can’t have sex every day! You want sex everyday? Me: no, once or twice a day ideally. Just say what you want and don’t worry about her reaction to it.

How nice you want wives scared you’ll cheat on them, fabulous.All about you.
Saying this as someone who has sex 4-5 times a week( mutual) and find it ridiculous ic the guy isn’t satisfied the good to isloiking elsewhere. Geez

 

[karmagoround]

Start packing bags and get serious about divorce. If that doesn't improve her libido, then follow through with the divorce.
A passionless marriage can lead to problems... like infidelity.

 

[GoodDad5]

How nice you want wives scared you’ll cheat on them, fabulous.All about you.
Saying this as someone who has sex 4-5 times a week( mutual) and find it ridiculous ic the guy isn’t satisfied the good to isloiking elsewhere. Geez

If I was getting it 4-5 times a week there would be no reason for anyone to say this to their spouse. I would love 4-5 times a week!

 

[Loves Coffee]

How nice you want wives scared you’ll cheat on them, fabulous.All about you.
Saying this as someone who has sex 4-5 times a week( mutual) and find it ridiculous ic the guy isn’t satisfied the good to isloiking elsewhere. Geez

I didn't even pick up on that part of the comment until you pointed it out. I need to start reading more slowly lol.

 

[GoodDad5]

I’ve also told my wife that she knows I would not cheat on her as I don’t believe in doing that and she knows it. I also said though that if other ladies find me attractive I would find that very flattering and confirmation that the changes I’m making are worth the work I’m putting in. She has acknowledged that I am not happy with our sex life and knows she’s vulnerable there.

 

[GoodDad5]

Apparently he doesn’t want to hear that, he just wants to analyze everyone’s stats.

Not true. It’s complicated and I just can’t cut and run.

 

[LisaDiane]

My wife has made the comment that I’d want sex every day if I could and I told her no, just frequent sex say 3 times a week.

I’ve been making changes, being more assertive, etc and honestly I don’t give a crap anymore what she thinks. She did say something to me last week that was interesting; she’s feeling insecure for the first time that I can recall. She said she has to try harder because she knows if another woman gives me attention she’s not giving me, I’ll be tempted. It’s the only time she’s said it and hasn’t done anything since.

I don't know how you define assertive, but nothing in your posts about how you interact with your wife sounds assertive at all. You sound like you defend yourself alot from HER assertiveness, and you sound like you rush to reassure her when she wants you to. How do you advocate for your own needs in your marriage (sexual and otherwise)? How do you set up boundaries and expectations for yourself with her, and how do you respond when she refuses to meet them?

Assertiveness is not a list of things you do...it's an attitude of self-awareness and self-care and most importantly, SELF-RESPECT. It's knowing your value and having standards based on that. It's about expecting to be in a relationship that meets your needs, and not being afraid to end that relationship when it doesn't.

 

[LisaDiane]

Not true. It’s complicated and I just can’t cut and run.

You call leaving "cut and run", but you've been unhappy for years and years....what have you done to simplify the complications so you can actually create more options for yourself?

 

[BigDaddyNY]

How nice you want wives scared you’ll cheat on them, fabulous.All about you.
Saying this as someone who has sex 4-5 times a week( mutual) and find it ridiculous ic the guy isn’t satisfied the good to isloiking elsewhere. Geez

It isn't about being scared that you will cheat, not directly anyway. It is called preselection. When a women sees other women showing interest in a man that man becomes more desirable. That isn't a knock on women, it is just a biological response.

It is logical really. If you improve yourself to the point that other women start to take notice, your wife will notice those improvement as well as the additional attention from other women. The response is, well maybe this guy really is a catch and I should try to keep him happy/happier.

 

[Rus47]

She said she has to try harder because she knows if another woman gives me attention she’s not giving me, I’ll be tempted. It’s the only time she’s said it and hasn’t done anything since.

Good! You not giving a crap what she thinks is breaking through. Next time she says something similar just tell her talk is cheap.

She is 100% right. If she doesnt want you there are other women who will. She can easily end up alone. Which is her problem not yours

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

It isn't about being scared that you will cheat, not directly anyway. It is called preselection. When a women sees other women showing interest in a man that man becomes more desirable. That isn't a knock on women, it is just a biological response.

It is logical really. If you improve yourself to the point that other women start to take notice, your wife will notice those improvement as well as the additional attention from other women. The response is, well maybe this guy really is a catch and I should try to keep him happy/happier.

@snowbum this is the real world. It's an unassailable fact.

 

[TexasMom1216]

It is logical really. If you improve yourself to the point that other women start to take notice, your wife will notice those improvement as well as the additional attention from other women. The response is, well maybe this guy really is a catch and I should try to keep him happy/happier.

If this is held as fact, shouldn't the reverse be true for women? Therefore, if a married woman wants to improve her looks, shouldn't it be assumed that she's doing it for her husband rather than for other men, if men working on their appearance should be assumed to be motivated by a desire to look better for his wife? I'm not saying that men or women whose spouses suddenly change their appearance shouldn't keep an ear to the ground and be aware, but if we're going to assume good intentions in men shouldn't we do the same for women?

 

[BigDaddyNY]

If this is held as fact, shouldn't the reverse be true for women? Therefore, if a married woman wants to improve her looks, shouldn't it be assumed that she's doing it for her husband rather than for other men, if men working on their appearance should be assumed to be motivated by a desire to look better for his wife? I'm not saying that men or women whose spouses suddenly change their appearance shouldn't keep an ear to the ground and be aware, but if we're going to assume good intentions in men shouldn't we do the same for women?

Very good point. It should be true, yes. I would hope that all self improvement is done for yourself, with your spouse in mind as a side beneficiary.

 

[Loves Coffee]

If this is held as fact, shouldn't the reverse be true for women? Therefore, if a married woman wants to improve her looks, shouldn't it be assumed that she's doing it for her husband rather than for other men, if men working on their appearance should be assumed to be motivated by a desire to look better for his wife? I'm not saying that men or women whose spouses suddenly change their appearance shouldn't keep an ear to the ground and be aware, but if we're going to assume good intentions in men shouldn't we do the same for women?

Is this for that boob thread?

I agree that love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I hope that you are always treated in this fair and trusting manner.

 

[ccpowerslave]

How nice you want wives scared you’ll cheat on them, fabulous.All about you.
Saying this as someone who has sex 4-5 times a week( mutual) and find it ridiculous ic the guy isn’t satisfied the good to isloiking elsewhere. Geez

Of course it’s about me. I need something from the relationship and I’m not getting it. She should be concerned about what happens if that continues, or laugh about it and tell me to move on.

It doesn’t mean cheating in my case but it does mean leaving and then finding new people to have a sexual relationship with who actually want to have sex.

It’s like any need in a relationship. If one person isn’t meeting it and it’s important enough it makes sense for the relationship to end.

 

[maskeddreamer01]

I find it fascinating that in many of the relationships/marriages that there seems to be asking, bordering begging/pleading. I wonder why this happens vs the spontaneity and letting things happen naturally. Is it that ppl just get too damned comfortable with each other and it allows them to stop trying? Generally relationships go through ups/down or cycles, whatever you want to call it. It is when there is a major shift that differs from the norm that is the cause for alarm. About 4 years ago we had our issues and we were going through a low cycle. I actually started a log/tracker to review a daily/monthy couples review solely for my own knowledge and comfort. Over the years I've found we as a couple have some interesting cycles but 5-6 times per month seems to be our sweet spot. Could it be more, sure but it really depends what is going on during those said months. Some will think its crazy to do this but I think you would be amazed if you tried it for a year or two. Always learning!