[Rus47]

I’ve tried implementing what’s in the NMMNG book and when I try to be more assertive I get a snarky remark of “you just want it all the time” and “why must you grope me every time we hug” which isn’t true, I only do that every now and then.

Nothing I’ve tried has lit a fire in her. I’ve been working out more, trying to get into better shape, tried being more assertive, tried planning more of our family things so that she’s not always making decisions. I even tried telling her what I want to see her wear in the bedroom and she pushes back saying she doesn’t know how or it feels silly to her.

It can’t be fixed. Sorry but you have nothing to work with.

 

[leftfield]

I used to get turned down a lot. I would ask maybe 5 times and get sex 1 or 2 times. Best thing we did was agree to have sex two times a week, once during the week and once on the weekend. Wife agreed to do that IF I wouldn't ask for more sex than that. That means no hinting, asking or begging for more sex, two times and that is it. We have done this for a long time. I don't have to wonder if I'll get sex, I know I am getting it twice.

I could never do this. Not sure how you have made that work.

 

[Mr.Married]

I could never do this. Not sure how you have made that work.

Sounds like twice a week is how he made it work 😉

 

[Loves Coffee]

She initiates 1-2 a year. I probably get turned down 6 out of 10 times I initiate.
Sex usually 2-4 times a month.

My wife is younger. Been married about 8 years with no kids and sex is for the most part every day. It could be either me or her that pass on that day depending on circumstance, but passing on sex only happens 1-2x a month maybe. There's a lot less stress on initiation since we have an understanding that sex is just a standing invitation.

 

[Mybabysgotit]

I'm 48, wife 38, kids 8, 13 and 15

average 2x per week, lately it's been 3-4x per week since June 24th of this year. Sunday and Thursday is our scheduled nights so nobody ever initiates. The other times it's about 50/50.

 

[Numb26]

It can’t be fixed. Sorry but you have nothing to work with.

He should cut his loses and make plans.

 

[Mybabysgotit]

We're both 36.
Together 19 years, married 15.
Kids are 8 weeks, 12 months, 21 months, and 6, 11, 13.

The last time she initiated was 8 weeks ago, and only because sex can induce labor and she was over being pregnant.

Since then, nada. Prior to that, no clue when she last initiated. She rarely does nowadays. The number of times we've done anything in the last 2.5 years is probably in the single digits.

The rejection rate is high, and if I'm not rejected the "quality" and aftermath are awful. So it's not worth it.

Couldn't even tell you the last time I've kissed her, not sure if it's even happened this year.

So, it's fantastic.

So besides that Ms. Lincoln, how was the play?

In all reality, you have so many kids, your wife is probably stressed to the hilt. - 6 kids? that's a whole house of craziness. My house is nuts with 5 people in it.

 

[uwe.blab]

Me 47 wife 47
Kids 21&23 …. Pretty much out the house but still around a lot
Married 25 and been together since high school

We fell into the mommy/daddy trap while raising the kids and lost sight of our roles as husband and wife. At this point sex was probably only twice a month and relatively unadventurous. Score rate probably 50% and wife never initiated.

The turning point:

I took an inventory of my life one day after a fight with my spouse and decided for me the only option was a marriage of the husband/wife dynamic based on mutual respect and blanketed in passion. The days of the kids being her/our #1 emotional investment needed to close out immediately and I was going to do absolutely anything to make it happen including an immediate divorce. I dropped the nuclear bomb on her and gave her the option of either an awesome marriage or being single. We decided we wanted an awesome marriage and I gave it a 6 month time frame for each of us to get our own chit cleaned up and set back straight. I was not bluffing to her and she knew it. This forum is one of the tools I used to better myself as a proper leader of a husband.

These days sex is pretty insane and way better than anything we did even as teenagers. Sexuality is a comfortable topic in our conversation and there is a near constant sexual tension between us. There is no such thing really as “who initiates” because it just kind of happens. Of course there are many “hard initiated” moments but each of us already know the other is interested before it happens. We do not turn each other down ever as we are both willing to have a go pretty much anytime.

The best things I have ever done to improve our sex life is to have genuine interest and desire in her outside of our sex life.

My wife is a completely reserved conservative angel in public and most people would be shocked if they knew what went on behind our closed doors

Wait, we need a post on exactly how you made this happen. How long ago was that and how old were the kids at the time? Were you resigned to getting a divorce or did you think it could actually be great?

 

[Mr.Married]

Wait, we need a post on exactly how you made this happen. How long ago was that and how old were the kids at the time? Were you resigned to getting a divorce or did you think it could actually be great?

About 6 years ago…

15 and 17 I reckon

I knew that it could be great because it once already was pretty dang good before the kids came along.

I didn’t care so much about weather it would be great or get a divorce. What I did know is that I had a hell of a lot to offer and I could find a great marriage on my own because I would settle for nothing less. I wanted that woman to be my current wife but I wasn’t going to let that influence me at all…. that was on her to make happ


I showed up at TAM after the fact but found it confirmed a lot of what I had figured out on my own after 32 books and countless hours researching sexuality and male/female relationship dynamics and taking every single psychological test I could find to learn as much about myself that I could. I worked on MYSELF and it was HER job to work on HERSELF

The bottom line is we both wanted it and fixed our own accountabilities. Secondly our marriage was never terrible and neither of us ever did anything to burn it down but I refused to carry on with a roommate mommy and live as strictly my children’s daddy.

Moral of the story:

Never give yourself away to someone else’s life.
Know what you want.
Fear nothing
Just shut up and do the f’n work

 

[ccpowerslave]

Wife agreed to do that IF I wouldn't ask for more sex than that. That means no hinting, asking or begging for more sex, two times and that is it. We have done this for a long time. I don't have to wonder if I'll get sex, I know I am getting it twice

If my wife said that we’d be done. That’s a string along if I ever heard one…

 

[Loves Coffee]

The turning point:

I took an inventory of my life one day after a fight with my spouse and decided for me the only option was a marriage of the husband/wife dynamic based on mutual respect and blanketed in passion. The days of the kids being her/our #1 emotional investment needed to close out immediately and I was going to do absolutely anything to make it happen including an immediate divorce. I dropped the nuclear bomb on her and gave her the option of either an awesome marriage or being single. We decided we wanted an awesome marriage and I gave it a 6 month time frame for each of us to get our own chit cleaned up and set back straight. I was not bluffing to her and she knew it. This forum is one of the tools I used to better myself as a proper leader of a husband.

These days sex is pretty insane and way better than anything we did even as teenagers. Sexuality is a comfortable topic in our conversation and there is a near constant sexual tension between us. There is no such thing really as “who initiates” because it just kind of happens. Of course there are many “hard initiated” moments but each of us already know the other is interested before it happens. We do not turn each other down ever as we are both willing to have a go pretty much anytime.

The best things I have ever done to improve our sex life is to have genuine interest and desire in her outside of our sex life.

My wife is a completely reserved conservative angel in public and most people would be shocked if they knew what went on behind our closed doors

This is a great story. It is similar but not exact to how I have the sex life that I currently do with my wife. I told my wife that I was tired of playing the initiation game and that we should just consider that sex was always going to happen every day. I was not willing to live in a marriage where sex was infrequent or stressed over. She was receptive and the rest is history.

She was a bit nervous about being able to keep up in the beginning, but that worry faded and her sexuality has grown a lot. The benefits of frequent sex have been tremendous to our relationship and individually as well.

It's really simple. Infrequent sex creates problems in a marriage and on the individual level. Premature, less satisfaction, insecurities, body image problems, irritability, and the list goes on. Frequent sex solves all those problems and more. The return on investment for taking the time to have great sex is the same day that you have it. Don't settle to spend your life in a marriage with infrequent sex.

 

[DudeInProgress]

I’ve tried implementing what’s in the NMMNG book and when I try to be more assertive I get a snarky remark of “you just want it all the time” and “why must you grope me every time we hug” which isn’t true, I only do that every now and then.

Nothing I’ve tried has lit a fire in her. I’ve been working out more, trying to get into better shape, tried being more assertive, tried planning more of our family things so that she’s not always making decisions. I even tried telling her what I want to see her wear in the bedroom and she pushes back saying she doesn’t know how or it feels silly to her.

1. NNMNG it’s not about getting more sex from your wife, it’s about making you a stronger man. It’s about breaking your covert contracts and codependency‘s.
2. You can’t “try” to be more assertive. It’s not an act, you either are or you’re not. You choose to be more assertive, you don’t “try“ to be more assertive.
3. These aren’t tricks or techniques, it’s a core change in you, and an improved way of operating in the world. You can’t pretend, you need to become.
It’s about you, regardless of whether she chooses to come around or not.
Basically, she doesn’t believe you yet. She doesn’t believe that you’re strong, assertive man.
4. It takes time. You are changing/improving yourself as a man. It takes time to do, and it takes time for her to believe that it’s a real/permanent change.
That’s why it’s a 6-12 month process.
And there’s probably a 50-50 chance that she never comes around. But either way you’re better off as a stronger, more confident and assertive man.

 

[DudeInProgress]

I used to get turned down a lot. I would ask maybe 5 times and get sex 1 or 2 times. Best thing we did was agree to have sex two times a week, once during the week and once on the weekend. Wife agreed to do that IF I wouldn't ask for more sex than that. That means no hinting, asking or begging for more sex, two times and that is it. We have done this for a long time. I don't have to wonder if I'll get sex, I know I am getting it twice.

1. You don’t ask or beg for sex, you flirt, play and initiate.
2. So basically, you sacrificed any chance for a fun, flirty, playful marriage where you’re wife might actually WANT to have sex with you, for twice a week duty sex. Nice job.

 

[DudeInProgress]

He should cut his loses and make plans.

Apparently he doesn’t want to hear that, he just wants to analyze everyone’s stats.

 

[Loves Coffee]

1. You don’t ask or beg for sex, you flirt, play and initiate.

What do you do when she comes back and says you only have certain behaviors of flirting when you want sex? I've broken through more boundaries faster with frequent sex than I did following any of the alpha rulesets and guides in the past. Sex doesn't feel duty, but not every day has to be fireworks. Also no pressure on her to perform.

 

[DudeInProgress]

What do you do when she comes back and says you only have certain behaviors of flirting when you want sex? I've broken through more boundaries faster with frequent sex than I did following any of the alpha rulesets and guides in the past. Sex doesn't feel duty, but not every day has to be fireworks. Also no pressure on her to perform.

You flirt with her regularly, sometimes sexual and sometimes not, when you want sex and when you don’t.
Women want to play the game, they want playful banter and anticipation, whether it materializes every time or not.

 

[Loves Coffee]

You flirt with her regularly, sometimes sexual and sometimes not, when you want sex and when you don’t.
Women want to play the game, they want playful banter and anticipation, whether it materializes every time or not.

I'll check the book out. I'm always open to more information and improvement.

 

[DudeInProgress]

I'll check the book out. I'm always open to more information and improvement.

You want a relevant and highly recommended book on this topic, read Married man’s sex life primer by Athol Kay

 

[Rus47]

So besides that Ms. Lincoln, how was the play?

In all reality, you have so many kids, your wife is probably stressed to the hilt. - 6 kids? that's a whole house of craziness. My house is nuts with 5 people in it.

What is amazing is when I was a little kid, we lived in a town with a high catholic population. At least 5, 6, 7, even 8 kids was not unusual in a family. Don't recall any of the mothers being stressed. In fact they all seemed pretty happy, chattering over the back fences with one another while they hung up the laundry on the line. They would put the older kids to shepherd the younger ones and was no big deal. In my family history ( though we weren't catholic ) there were families with 10, 12, 14 kids. Guess the men really liked their wives and visa versa.

 

[GoodDad5]

My wife has made the comment that I’d want sex every day if I could and I told her no, just frequent sex say 3 times a week.

I’ve been making changes, being more assertive, etc and honestly I don’t give a crap anymore what she thinks. She did say something to me last week that was interesting; she’s feeling insecure for the first time that I can recall. She said she has to try harder because she knows if another woman gives me attention she’s not giving me, I’ll be tempted. It’s the only time she’s said it and hasn’t done anything since.