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why did you continue to have kids with her?
Stupidity. I'm not known for making good life decisions.

I convinced her to have our fourth in the moment, because I thought it would make me stay with her. So, basically baby trapping myself.

Then I wasn't careful one time and didn't think about pregnancy at all.

Had a vasectomy, and a week later found out about #5.

Didn't do the semen analysis because we weren't having sex anyway. Eventually got around to it and was told the chance of pregnancy was low, get tested in a few months, and I might want to use a backup method just in case. I misinterpreted that as "nothing is 100% effective" rather than "it didn't work".

Found out the hard way that open-ended vasectomies don't accomplish anything but a very low, but not low enough, sperm count and mutilated nuts for a second time.

So yeah, stupidity.
 

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We can be having a nice night, touchy feely etc whilst on couch then in bed if I make a hand move to certain places her hand will immediately push me away. Tried kissing her and can tell by the fact it’s just a peck in return when she’s not interested. Suggested scheduled sex said she couldn’t think of anything worse.
Seems she is very resentful for some reason. M-Th consists of her climbing in bed and rolling onto her stomach?!? What is that all about? The message IMO is OK, this is what I have to put up with. And she has to have some alcohol to be much interested at all? Is she just "putting up" with your initiating? So wouldn't expect she would ever initiate.

As I am sure you know, in general if a woman isn't emotionally bonded and feeling safe, she isn't going to want a physical relationship. So something at the core of your relationship is badly damaged. Has something happened in the past that would explain why? Was your relationship ever a happy one, say right after marrying?

Oh, and her using having kids as an excuse is IMO bogus. Yeah, maybe the hormones and the added workload foul things up for some. If it is workload, you can hire a nanny/housekeeper. If it is hormones she can see her gyn. Both are way cheaper than a divorce. It never slowed my wife down at all, we had four. She would be after me before the Doctor imposed hiatus, saying "oh please! it will be ok!" Yeah come to think of it, she DID initiate after having kids.

Would she consider marriage counseling from a counselor licensed to deal with sexual issues?
 

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That's not the excuse, IMO.

Fertile... Yeah, now, apparently. Prior to the youngest three she had 6 (give or take) miscarriages then two years of trying and fertility meds and IUIs that didn't work. Go figure.
Thats interesting. Similar thing with my mother. She had me and my older sister. The 5 years and 4-5 miscarriages then my younger sister.
 

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OK. Found it! I keep meaning to read older discussions OP started. Back in 2019 you had an affair? And your wife eventually agreed to reconcile? That right there is IMO the root cause of all of your sexual troubles now. I didnt go back to read all of the details from back then, or why you all decided to get back together. Maybe she just felt trapped and stayed with you for that reason. Maybe you cheated on her because of bad sex life ( horrible "excuse" BTW ).

Anyway, you are 3 years into "R" attempt and it doesn't seem to be working. Sorry
 

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I read through your first thread in 2017. It reads actually worse than this one. You mentioned then there was essentially no intimacy and that she was stressed from her job and kids. She had to drink to loosen up with you then. I guess your affair(s) ( saw mention of two women during cursory glance ) in 2018/19 were your way of coping with a dead bedroom. Those didn't help your cause at all.

Anyway, if we don't resolve issues and just go on sweeping them under a rug, we just end up with a bigger mess and more years wasted. You are now another 5 years older and no better off. Actually worse off because of your infidelity. You have some major work ahead to repair your relationship, if it can even be accomplished.
 

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She would never have sex randomly during the day unless we’re been on holiday and had a few drinks.

I’ve tried lots of different ways. Generally the 6 times I get rejected is usually when she’s sober. Our life consists of her simply getting in bed and turning on her front through the week Monday to Thursday (when we’re sober),

Of a weekend if we’ve had a few drinks she’s more receptive. A few weeks ago whilst on holiday I initiated by giving her a back massage to wake up morning time which led to sex. I did the same thing a week later not actually to necessarily lead to sex but after a couple of minutes she said my hands feel dirty (unwashed) even though I’d just washed them minutes earlier. I just got out of bed immediately and got on with my morning.

We can be having a nice night, touchy feely etc whilst on couch then in bed if I make a hand move to certain places her hand will immediately push me away. Tried kissing her and can tell by the fact it’s just a peck in return when she’s not interested. Suggested scheduled sex said she couldn’t think of anything worse.

It’s certainly an eye opening seeing how active some people are on here looking at these replies!
Only having sex approx once a month in fertile women is called ovulation sex. It's often due to a lack of actual attraction and desire for her partner but her body is essentially telling her she should be having sex.

Needing to drink in order to have sex is often a sign of actual disdain, disgust and resentment - but not ready to divorce yet (usually due to minor children in the home)
 

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If you’re getting turned down by your wife more than 20% of the time, you’re either doing it wrong, or your timing is totally inept, or she’s simply isn’t sexually attracted to you and doesn’t desire you as a man.

And all of which are within your control to some extent. Or at least the actions which can improve your situation are.
 

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@BIL310 you know not to pick on you but you are like very very very many of the people that show up here and want advice on how to fix your problems. That part is completely understandable. However what is not understandable is how they think they can find some type of solution here after there marriage has been smashed to bits eons ago. Like all those others you are too late …….way too late to fix much of anything. No phoenix will rise from the ashes of a burned down marriage…..EVER.
 

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@BIL310 you know not to pick on you but you are like very very very many of the people that show up here and want advice on how to fix your problems. That part is completely understandable. However what is not understandable is how they think they can find some type of solution here after there marriage has been smashed to bits eons ago. Like all those others you are too late …….way too late to fix much of anything. No phoenix will rise from the ashes of a burned down marriage…..EVER.
A couple of TAMmer dudes did turn it around.

It takes some work and commitment though and, like the other thread is talking about, a lot of men don't like their situation but damn few seem to do anything constructive about it.
 

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.....I’m Male 42, Wife is 40 (two kids early teens)

Together for 25 years. Married for 17.

She initiates 1-2 a year. I probably get turned down 6 out of 10 times I initiate.

Sex usually 2-4 times a month.
She would never have sex randomly during the day unless we’re been on holiday and had a few drinks.

I’ve tried lots of different ways. Generally the 6 times I get rejected is usually when she’s sober. Our life consists of her simply getting in bed and turning on her front through the week Monday to Thursday (when we’re sober),

Of a weekend if we’ve had a few drinks she’s more receptive. A few weeks ago whilst on holiday I initiated by giving her a back massage to wake up morning time which led to sex. I did the same thing a week later not actually to necessarily lead to sex but after a couple of minutes she said my hands feel dirty (unwashed) even though I’d just washed them minutes earlier. I just got out of bed immediately and got on with my morning.

We can be having a nice night, touchy feely etc whilst on couch then in bed if I make a hand move to certain places her hand will immediately push me away. Tried kissing her and can tell by the fact it’s just a peck in return when she’s not interested. Suggested scheduled sex said she couldn’t think of anything worse.

It’s certainly an eye opening seeing how active some people are on here looking at these replies!
No she wasn’t always like this. It’s probably been since we had kids. Ahh I remember the good times when we used to lie in bed and she’d start playing with me. That was 15 plus years ago now. She said in the past I was younger then I shouldn’t expect her to be the same woman.

Your wife seems like an absolute dream! Kudos to both of you.
First off you need to talk to her (marriage counseling would help) about what the two of you want to do when the kids leave home? What do you want to do then and in your retirement years. Based on your past affairs, the answers might be she wants to divorce you. Don't be surprised if she hasn't been sticking around for the kids and wants out as soon as they leave the nest.

Let me tell you as the high libido partner of a low libido partner, if sex is important to you, then don't worry about who initiates. Yes, I understand the need to feel sexually desired and have my partner initiate, but I also have come to terms with the fact that I want sex more than she does. If I am to be happy, and sex is important to me then, I need to initiate, when my wife doesn't, otherwise it just isn't going to be happen. So sit yourself down in front of the mirror and ask yourself if being miserable because of the lack of sex is really better than being upset your wife doesn't initiate more often. If it is the rejection that really gets to you, ask yourself which hurts more the rejection or the lack of sex?

I think you and your wife need some serious marriage counseling to deal with past problems.

Good luck.
 

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I used to get turned down a lot. I would ask maybe 5 times and get sex 1 or 2 times. Best thing we did was agree to have sex two times a week, once during the week and once on the weekend. Wife agreed to do that IF I wouldn't ask for more sex than that. That means no hinting, asking or begging for more sex, two times and that is it. We have done this for a long time. I don't have to wonder if I'll get sex, I know I am getting it twice.
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
The thread has gone off in a direction I didn’t want. I appreciate the responses however I wasn’t asking for advice (again) on how to fix my issues I was simply curious as to how other marriages are working in terms of initiating, frequency etc hence the wording my original post.

Funnily enough. She actually initiated last night and also agreed to a one for her. One for me and for one for each other going forward . Meaning she initiates once a week, I do and then Sunday is our scheduled day. Although again this was agreed after a couple of glasses of wine.
 

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No she wasn’t always like this. It’s probably been since we had kids. Ahh I remember the good times when we used to lie in bed and she’d start playing with me. That was 15 plus years ago now. She said in the past I was younger then I shouldn’t expect her to be the same woman.
A lot of women will initiate when they want to get pregnant. Later in life, they use the kids as the excuse NOT to have sex. They claim they're tired all the time and just want to go to bed. They're forgetting that sex can happen in the morning when they're not so tired. Waking up fifteen minutes earlier is not a big sacrifice.

What you're experiencing is very common. Sex means much more to you than it does to her. The very few men who have been able to solve the problem seem to show up on forums like this one. The rest suffer in isolation.
 

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I am 51, she is 54, married 32 years, together 35. Two kids, 24 and 22. The older is completely out of the house and the younger is finishing up college so he is here part time.

We average 4-5x per week, sometimes more, sometimes less. My wife initiates more that I used to realize. Usually it is subtle and triggers me to make a move on here without even realizing what she did. She is tricky like that, lol. On occasion she is more straight forward about it. Earlier this week we were watching TV on the sofa. Next thing I know she straddles me, starts kissing me passionately and tells me to take her to bed. So I picked her up and carried her off to the bedroom. She initiates in a straight forward manner like that only a couple times a month.

9 out of 10 times she will be receptive to my initiation, but that is partially due to me knowing when the odds are very low, so I don't bother. In those instances I'll often do something somewhat intimate involving touch, but not sexual. Like randomly massaging her feet or her shoulders. Or scratching her back, head or legs. She loves that stuff and I know it relaxes her, so I enjoy doing it for her with no strings attached. Some times though, doing that will lead to her initiating, which of course is fine by me.

We had sex less when the kids were younger. It wouldn't happen much during the week due to her just being exhausted. We would still manage to find time at least 1 day during the week, typically in the morning when we woke up. We probably averaged 2-3 time a week.


We've had lulls in our sex life, but there was almost always an identifiable cause, either medical or something external. to our marriage, like work, kid's schedules, etc. Luckily they've all had solutions. The bottom line is we are into each other sexually. I wish I could put that attraction in a bottle and sell it. It seems to come so easy to us. I often have a hard time understanding dead bedroom stories and how they got there. They usually sound like a loveless relationship lacking in any kind of passion, desire, lust and intimacy. That would feel like an empty marriage to me. Even on days we don't have sex, there are always multiple interaction between us every single day that signals we are attracted to each other. My wife grabs my junk at least a few time every day, lol. We kiss and hug all the time. It has been like that the whole 35 years we've been together. I don't understand how others aren't able to keep that spark and passion alive. I really wish everyone were able to.
We are on same page! My wife is 54, I am 50. 2 boys, 22, 17. 22 is married and out, 17 is Jr. with enough credit to graduate if he takes 1 class in summer. But he will take next year along with several college level classes.
Sex 5-6 nights a week. One day last fall I brought up the 30 day challenge. Sex every day for 30 days, she says let's make it an anniversary challenge! Sex daily till anniversary...in May! So a 180 day challenge! I'm UP for that!

The bed is a "No Clothes Zone" because Daddy said! We sleep in buff, so BR door is locked nightly of course. Physical intimacy is now just a part of our nightly routine, I guess you could say it is a toss up as to who initiated. It is now as natural as fluffing your pillow. If I think she is tired or hurting, I will not initiate, but she will 99% of those times. Heck she has even initiated when passing a kidney stone. Says she just wants to forget about it for a while, maybe a good pounding will knock it loose, get it moving faster.

It would traumatize our sheltered 17 yr old son to walk in on mom and dad, hence the BR door locked nightly. Wouldn't know why, he is always commenting about us "making out" in the kitchen all the time. 😜

When kids were young and sex dwindled to 3x month, I was ready to punch out and leave, until I read NMMNG and realized where I was deficient and making her less attracted to me. Changed my conflict avoidant, yes dear FOO issue personality and it lit a fire in her.

Also fact she can walk by and I am ready and willing. She says that is a major turn on for her, that she has that effect on me and that I am so hungry for her, makes her feel sexy and desired.
 

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We are on same page! My wife is 54, I am 50. 2 boys, 22, 17. 22 is married and out, 17 is Jr. with enough credit to graduate if he takes 1 class in summer. But he will take next year along with several college level classes.
Sex 5-6 nights a week. One day last fall I brought up the 30 day challenge. Sex every day for 30 days, she says let's make it an anniversary challenge! Sex daily till anniversary...in May! So a 180 day challenge! I'm UP for that!

The bed is a "No Clothes Zone" because Daddy said! We sleep in buff, so BR door is locked nightly of course. Physical intimacy is now just a part of our nightly routine, I guess you could say it is a toss up as to who initiated. It is now as natural as fluffing your pillow. If I think she is tired or hurting, I will not initiate, but she will 99% of those times. Heck she has even initiated when passing a kidney stone. Says she just wants to forget about it for a while, maybe a good pounding will knock it loose, get it moving faster.

It would traumatize our sheltered 17 yr old son to walk in on mom and dad, hence the BR door locked nightly. Wouldn't know why, he is always commenting about us "making out" in the kitchen all the time.

When kids were young and sex dwindled to 3x month, I was ready to punch out and leave, until I read NMMNG and realized where I was deficient and making her less attracted to me. Changed my conflict avoidant, yes dear FOO issue personality and it lit a fire in her.

Also fact she can walk by and I am ready and willing. She says that is a major turn on for her, that she has that effect on me and that I am so hungry for her, makes her feel sexy and desired.
I’ve tried implementing what’s in the NMMNG book and when I try to be more assertive I get a snarky remark of “you just want it all the time” and “why must you grope me every time we hug” which isn’t true, I only do that every now and then.

Nothing I’ve tried has lit a fire in her. I’ve been working out more, trying to get into better shape, tried being more assertive, tried planning more of our family things so that she’s not always making decisions. I even tried telling her what I want to see her wear in the bedroom and she pushes back saying she doesn’t know how or it feels silly to her.
 

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Me 61, she 63. Married 28. Together 31.

She has initiated once in the past 22 years, but did suggest a Sunday guarantee which we both enjoy. On a twice-a-week pace this year. I am batting about .500 when I try to initiate Mon-Sat. Used to bat .400
 

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I’ve tried implementing what’s in the NMMNG book and when I try to be more assertive I get a snarky remark of “you just want it all the time” and “why must you grope me every time we hug” which isn’t true, I only do that every now and then.

Nothing I’ve tried has lit a fire in her. I’ve been working out more, trying to get into better shape, tried being more assertive, tried planning more of our family things so that she’s not always making decisions. I even tried telling her what I want to see her wear in the bedroom and she pushes back saying she doesn’t know how or it feels silly to her.
When she says "you just want it all the time", say something like "yep, you would too if you you had a wife as sexy as mine" or "of course I do when I have this sexy wife right in front of me." Own the fact that you are sexually attracted to her, as you should be.

Same for the hugging. Of course you want to intimately touch your wife. I finish almost every hug with a little squeeze of her but. Again, own your sexual attraction to her. Make it part of your everyday life.
 
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