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How many times are you turned down after initiating sex?

14075 Views 302 Replies 54 Participants Last post by  In Absentia
I know the results will vary for this but just curious to see how other couples rate.

In my situation:

I’m Male 42, Wife is 40 (two kids early teens)

Together for 25 years. Married for 17.

She initiates 1-2 a year. I probably get turned down 6 out of 10 times I initiate.

Sex usually 2-4 times a month.
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We are on same page! My wife is 54, I am 50. 2 boys, 22, 17. 22 is married and out, 17 is Jr. with enough credit to graduate if he takes 1 class in summer. But he will take next year along with several college level classes.
Sex 5-6 nights a week. One day last fall I brought up the 30 day challenge. Sex every day for 30 days, she says let's make it an anniversary challenge! Sex daily till May! So a 180 day challenge! I'm UP for that!

The bed is a "No Clothes Zone" because Daddy said! We sleep in buff, so BR door is locked nightly of course. Physical intimacy is now just a part of our nightly routine, I guess you could say it is a toss up as to who initiated. It is now as natural as fluffing your pillow. If I think she is tired or hurting, I will not initiate, but she will 99% of those times. Heck she has even initiated when passing a kidney stone. Says she just wants to forget about it for a while, maybe a good pounding will knock it loose, get it moving faster.

It would traumatize our sheltered 17 yr old son to walk in on mom and dad, hence the BR door locked nightly. Wouldn't know why, he is always commenting about us "making out" in the kitchen all the time.

When kids were young and sex dwindled to 3x month, I was ready to punch out and leave, until I read NMMNG and realized where I was deficient and making her less attracted to me. Changed my conflict avoidant, yes dear FOO issue personality and it lit a fire in her.

Also fact she can walk by and I am ready and willing. She says that is a major turn on for her, that she has that effect on me and that I am so hungry for her, makes her feel sexy and desired.
I’ve tried implementing what’s in the NMMNG book and when I try to be more assertive I get a snarky remark of “you just want it all the time” and “why must you grope me every time we hug” which isn’t true, I only do that every now and then.

Nothing I’ve tried has lit a fire in her. I’ve been working out more, trying to get into better shape, tried being more assertive, tried planning more of our family things so that she’s not always making decisions. I even tried telling her what I want to see her wear in the bedroom and she pushes back saying she doesn’t know how or it feels silly to her.
My wife has made the comment that I’d want sex every day if I could and I told her no, just frequent sex say 3 times a week.

I’ve been making changes, being more assertive, etc and honestly I don’t give a crap anymore what she thinks. She did say something to me last week that was interesting; she’s feeling insecure for the first time that I can recall. She said she has to try harder because she knows if another woman gives me attention she’s not giving me, I’ll be tempted. It’s the only time she’s said it and hasn’t done anything since.
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How nice you want wives scared you’ll cheat on them, fabulous.All about you.
Saying this as someone who has sex 4-5 times a week( mutual) and find it ridiculous ic the guy isn’t satisfied the good to isloiking elsewhere. Geez
If I was getting it 4-5 times a week there would be no reason for anyone to say this to their spouse. I would love 4-5 times a week!
I’ve also told my wife that she knows I would not cheat on her as I don’t believe in doing that and she knows it. I also said though that if other ladies find me attractive I would find that very flattering and confirmation that the changes I’m making are worth the work I’m putting in. She has acknowledged that I am not happy with our sex life and knows she’s vulnerable there.
Apparently he doesn’t want to hear that, he just wants to analyze everyone’s stats.
Not true. It’s complicated and I just can’t cut and run.
Would constant rejection or being told to always initiate be a reason to reevaluate the marriage?

I’m being told she expects me to initiate and she will accommodate my need for intercourse. She doesn’t need it nor does she ever think about it.
IMO, if she accommodates your needs, then I would not reevaluate the marriage. But I would want to know whether she ever enjoyed it. If so, what happened.

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As she puts it, she’s fulfilling my need. She could care less if I didn’t have a libido. She says she enjoys it but it’s only after we are into intercourse but she’s so quiet. I have other desires outside of intercourse but she refuses to do any of them. It’s just one position and same foreplay towards her every time.
That gets old fast, one position and same foreplay. She won‘t try new positions? Toys?
She’s a no on toys as she said she doesn’t want them. I can get one though…

Her issue boils down to body image issues. She says she feels humiliated at the thought of sex or trying anything. She won’t go see anyone about it either.
Who would she go see to fix this? Do you mean a therapist? Or a trainer? Have you guys looked into plastic surgery?
A therapist. Plastic surgery is a no go for either of us.
I’ve tried being dominant/take charge and get told I’m being mean. She told me at one time a while back she liked it. I can’t win for trying.
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So what does this mean? She wants you to initiate? Is it possible you are talking past one another? She says something but you interpret it differently from what she meant? Or she isnt saying what she means.

How is you initiating “being mean”? In her mind?

Would third party counseling/training facilitating the discussion help the two of you?
If I could find a sex therapist or a MC who wasn’t so expensive I would.

What she means is she has no desire or want for sex on her own, but if I want it she will meet that need, which I take as similar to if I’m hungry she would make me a quick snack to accommodate me.

There’s no passion and no variety. I get the same snack every time.
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What do you want?

I have a serious issue with being a nice guy. It is the same issue you are having. You need to start doing some of what you want. Don't ask if it is OK. Don't ask what she thinks. Don't ask what she wants. Don't ask!! Just start doing some of what you want.

If she objects or says no, then move on. If she says no often enough, you really need to move on and get out of this marriage.
Yeah, I have been and am stepping back from the nice guy stuff. When it comes to sex I just feel so wrong trying to get what I want by trying to force her to do something besides the status quo. I give up. I don’t think she’s capable of understanding my sexual desires at all and I honestly think she may be truly asexual.
Has she seen a doctor or a therapist? It almost reads like she’s possibly bipolar.
Tried something different today. I tried flirting with my wife today via text. She started the morning off by giving me a French kiss before leaving for work and she said she was trying to tease me. I took that as I will try flirting with her hoping it will lead to sex. She was in a good mood today and responded to my flirty texts. I even helped with dinner. Did sex happen though? Nope, and she even told me that just because she teased and we flirted doesn’t mean it should lead to sex. I give up.
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This is a difficult situation. I spent years and years trying to figure this stuff out, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you I have the answer. But I do have a question. How did you handle this? I can think of about a dozen ways I might address this, but you need to figure out how you will address a situation like this.
After I got a bit irritated I just took care of it solo and went to bed. I’m at the point that I’m tired of dealing with starfish sex and will start turning it down when that’s all she will offer.
I understand about the starfish sex. She wonders why my soldier kinda stop standing at attention!
Totally understand this!!
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Based on this response it sounds like you handled this situation the same way you have other times. How is that working for you? You should come up with some new ways to deal with these situations.
I honestly hate it, but I don’t know how to break the cycle without totally imploding my life. Financially I would be hurt if we divorced. I have to play happy when I’m around the wife and kids so that I put on a good attitude but when I’m by myself I keep wishing I could go back in time and make better decisions and tell my younger self to wait.
I got told tonight to lower my expectations on sex because I just need to realize that the majority of the time we have sex it will just be for my benefit since she’s just not that into it. She also told me that most wives are probably like this and that’s why I needed to lower my expectations. Take it or leave it approach.

I’m giving this until after the holidays before I make a decision on what I should do. I do not want to be in a marriage with sex this way the rest of my life, that’s for sure.
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I think if guys didn't get hurt so badly financially, many more situations like this would end up in divorce a lot sooner.
Exactly! This is why I put up with it.
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