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The best things I have ever done to improve our sex life is to have genuine interest and desire in her outside of our sex life.
I have to say this is true for our marriage too. I've always done this to some degree, but putting more effort into this has made me and her so much happier and that has defiantly carried over into our sex life.
 

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I am 51, she is 54, married 32 years, together 35. Two kids, 24 and 22. The older is completely out of the house and the younger is finishing up college so he is here part time.

We average 4-5x per week, sometimes more, sometimes less. My wife initiates more that I used to realize. Usually it is subtle and triggers me to make a move on here without even realizing what she did. She is tricky like that, lol. On occasion she is more straight forward about it. Earlier this week we were watching TV on the sofa. Next thing I know she straddles me, starts kissing me passionately and tells me to take her to bed. So I picked her up and carried her off to the bedroom. She initiates in a straight forward manner like that only a couple times a month.

9 out of 10 times she will be receptive to my initiation, but that is partially due to me knowing when the odds are very low, so I don't bother. In those instances I'll often do something somewhat intimate involving touch, but not sexual. Like randomly massaging her feet or her shoulders. Or scratching her back, head or legs. She loves that stuff and I know it relaxes her, so I enjoy doing it for her with no strings attached. Some times though, doing that will lead to her initiating, which of course is fine by me.

We had sex less when the kids were younger. It wouldn't happen much during the week due to her just being exhausted. We would still manage to find time at least 1 day during the week, typically in the morning when we woke up. We probably averaged 2-3 time a week.


We've had lulls in our sex life, but there was almost always an identifiable cause, either medical or something external. to our marriage, like work, kid's schedules, etc. Luckily they've all had solutions. The bottom line is we are into each other sexually. I wish I could put that attraction in a bottle and sell it. It seems to come so easy to us. I often have a hard time understanding dead bedroom stories and how they got there. They usually sound like a loveless relationship lacking in any kind of passion, desire, lust and intimacy. That would feel like an empty marriage to me. Even on days we don't have sex, there are always multiple interaction between us every single day that signals we are attracted to each other. My wife grabs my junk at least a few time every day, lol. We kiss and hug all the time. It has been like that the whole 35 years we've been together. I don't understand how others aren't able to keep that spark and passion alive. I really wish everyone were able to.
 

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She would never have sex randomly during the day unless we’re been on holiday and had a few drinks.

I’ve tried lots of different ways. Generally the 6 times I get rejected is usually when she’s sober. Our life consists of her simply getting in bed and turning on her front through the week Monday to Thursday (when we’re sober),

Of a weekend if we’ve had a few drinks she’s more receptive. A few weeks ago whilst on holiday I initiated by giving her a back massage to wake up morning time which led to sex. I did the same thing a week later not actually to necessarily lead to sex but after a couple of minutes she said my hands feel dirty (unwashed) even though I’d just washed them minutes earlier. I just got out of bed immediately and got on with my morning.

We can be having a nice night, touchy feely etc whilst on couch then in bed if I make a hand move to certain places her hand will immediately push me away. Tried kissing her and can tell by the fact it’s just a peck in return when she’s not interested. Suggested scheduled sex said she couldn’t think of anything worse.

It’s certainly an eye opening seeing how active some people are on here looking at these replies!
Has she ever been different than this or is this the norm? At 40 she really should be approaching a sexual renaissance. Something has caused your wife to lose sexual attraction and desire for you. Even if she isn't interested in sex she shouldn't be pushing away physical contact.

And complaining about a back rub!? That is kind of sad. Even with rough hands I would think a wife would appreciate the thought. In practical terms, I suggest massage oil. My hands quickly become irritated when I give a massage or a rub without some kind of lubrication. I keep a pump bottle of massage oil on my night stand so it is always handy.
 

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No she wasn’t always like this. It’s probably been since we had kids. Ahh I remember the good times when we used to lie in bed and she’d start playing with me. That was 15 plus years ago now. She said in the past I was younger then I shouldn’t expect her to be the same woman.

Your wife seems like an absolute dream! Kudos to both of you.
Your wife is right, she isn't the same woman, but why is that an okay excuse to no longer be attracted to your husband? I think at the core of a marriage is the physical attraction to each other. Sadly, I bet she would rediscover her sexuality with a new man. I don't mean that as a knock on you, but it seems far too common that a woman loses attraction for their SO, but they actually haven't lost their attraction/sexuality in general.
 

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We're both 36.
Together 19 years, married 15.
Kids are 8 weeks, 12 months, 21 months, and 6, 11, 13.

The last time she initiated was 8 weeks ago, and only because sex can induce labor and she was over being pregnant.

Since then, nada. Prior to that, no clue when she last initiated. She rarely does nowadays. The number of times we've done anything in the last 2.5 years is probably in the single digits.

The rejection rate is high, and if I'm not rejected the "quality" and aftermath are awful. So it's not worth it.

Couldn't even tell you the last time I've kissed her, not sure if it's even happened this year.

So, it's fantastic.
Sounds like a lovely marriage :rolleyes:
 

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I’ve tried implementing what’s in the NMMNG book and when I try to be more assertive I get a snarky remark of “you just want it all the time” and “why must you grope me every time we hug” which isn’t true, I only do that every now and then.

Nothing I’ve tried has lit a fire in her. I’ve been working out more, trying to get into better shape, tried being more assertive, tried planning more of our family things so that she’s not always making decisions. I even tried telling her what I want to see her wear in the bedroom and she pushes back saying she doesn’t know how or it feels silly to her.
When she says "you just want it all the time", say something like "yep, you would too if you you had a wife as sexy as mine" or "of course I do when I have this sexy wife right in front of me." Own the fact that you are sexually attracted to her, as you should be.

Same for the hugging. Of course you want to intimately touch your wife. I finish almost every hug with a little squeeze of her but. Again, own your sexual attraction to her. Make it part of your everyday life.
 

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How nice you want wives scared you’ll cheat on them, fabulous.All about you.
Saying this as someone who has sex 4-5 times a week( mutual) and find it ridiculous ic the guy isn’t satisfied the good to isloiking elsewhere. Geez
It isn't about being scared that you will cheat, not directly anyway. It is called preselection. When a women sees other women showing interest in a man that man becomes more desirable. That isn't a knock on women, it is just a biological response.

It is logical really. If you improve yourself to the point that other women start to take notice, your wife will notice those improvement as well as the additional attention from other women. The response is, well maybe this guy really is a catch and I should try to keep him happy/happier.
 

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If this is held as fact, shouldn't the reverse be true for women? Therefore, if a married woman wants to improve her looks, shouldn't it be assumed that she's doing it for her husband rather than for other men, if men working on their appearance should be assumed to be motivated by a desire to look better for his wife? I'm not saying that men or women whose spouses suddenly change their appearance shouldn't keep an ear to the ground and be aware, but if we're going to assume good intentions in men shouldn't we do the same for women?
Very good point. It should be true, yes. I would hope that all self improvement is done for yourself, with your spouse in mind as a side beneficiary.
 

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As she puts it, she’s fulfilling my need. She could care less if I didn’t have a libido. She says she enjoys it but it’s only after we are into intercourse but she’s so quiet. I have other desires outside of intercourse but she refuses to do any of them. It’s just one position and same foreplay towards her every time.
I definitely wouldn't end a marriage if she regularly accepted your initiation and it was good sex. Even though having your wife initiate is a great thing, I don't care if my wife always wants me to take the lead. However, if I'm taking the lead initiating, I'm also going to be taking the lead in what we are doing, like foreplay and positions. She should still be passionate about it all though. Lying still and needing a guide book to figure out what you are and aren't allowed to do would be enough for me seriously consider ending it. I need to feel the passion and desire, that she really wants to be doing this with me. Every activity sucks when your partner is watching the clock waiting for it to be over and sex is no exception.
 

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So either leave or take her up on her offer to get sex elsewhere. She is trying to accommodate it, I think she realizes you’re unhappy with her and is wanting to be fair. Unless you think her offer wasn’t sincere? You know her best…
I can't accept sex outside of the marriage as a solution. Even if it were offered. To me sex is a far too fundamental part of being married to simply outsource it. I also would not be able to just go out and get laid. I would need to build a relationship with someone and if I'm going to do that I would rather end the marriage so I could put all of my energy into the new relationship.

If my wife told me to go get sex somewhere else with even a smidgen of sincerity it would be over and done for me. I wouldn't want to be with her if she thought all my desire to have sex was just to have a warm place to get off.
 

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@BIL310

You seem to have already tried a lot of thing, so not sure if this will help, but I think these worth a read. Most are a quick read.

 
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