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I know the results will vary for this but just curious to see how other couples rate.

In my situation:

I’m Male 42, Wife is 40 (two kids early teens)

Together for 25 years. Married for 17.

She initiates 1-2 a year. I probably get turned down 6 out of 10 times I initiate.

Sex usually 2-4 times a month.
Wife n I mid 70s. Married 56 years. Wife’s “initiation” is saying “do you wanna lay down?”, so I am initiator mostly. Never “turned down.” Ever.

Sex every day, some days more than one encounter. We have a routine “schedule”. Barring health issues like Covid.
 

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We can be having a nice night, touchy feely etc whilst on couch then in bed if I make a hand move to certain places her hand will immediately push me away. Tried kissing her and can tell by the fact it’s just a peck in return when she’s not interested. Suggested scheduled sex said she couldn’t think of anything worse.
Seems she is very resentful for some reason. M-Th consists of her climbing in bed and rolling onto her stomach?!? What is that all about? The message IMO is OK, this is what I have to put up with. And she has to have some alcohol to be much interested at all? Is she just "putting up" with your initiating? So wouldn't expect she would ever initiate.

As I am sure you know, in general if a woman isn't emotionally bonded and feeling safe, she isn't going to want a physical relationship. So something at the core of your relationship is badly damaged. Has something happened in the past that would explain why? Was your relationship ever a happy one, say right after marrying?

Oh, and her using having kids as an excuse is IMO bogus. Yeah, maybe the hormones and the added workload foul things up for some. If it is workload, you can hire a nanny/housekeeper. If it is hormones she can see her gyn. Both are way cheaper than a divorce. It never slowed my wife down at all, we had four. She would be after me before the Doctor imposed hiatus, saying "oh please! it will be ok!" Yeah come to think of it, she DID initiate after having kids.

Would she consider marriage counseling from a counselor licensed to deal with sexual issues?
 

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OK. Found it! I keep meaning to read older discussions OP started. Back in 2019 you had an affair? And your wife eventually agreed to reconcile? That right there is IMO the root cause of all of your sexual troubles now. I didnt go back to read all of the details from back then, or why you all decided to get back together. Maybe she just felt trapped and stayed with you for that reason. Maybe you cheated on her because of bad sex life ( horrible "excuse" BTW ).

Anyway, you are 3 years into "R" attempt and it doesn't seem to be working. Sorry
 

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I read through your first thread in 2017. It reads actually worse than this one. You mentioned then there was essentially no intimacy and that she was stressed from her job and kids. She had to drink to loosen up with you then. I guess your affair(s) ( saw mention of two women during cursory glance ) in 2018/19 were your way of coping with a dead bedroom. Those didn't help your cause at all.

Anyway, if we don't resolve issues and just go on sweeping them under a rug, we just end up with a bigger mess and more years wasted. You are now another 5 years older and no better off. Actually worse off because of your infidelity. You have some major work ahead to repair your relationship, if it can even be accomplished.
 

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I’ve tried implementing what’s in the NMMNG book and when I try to be more assertive I get a snarky remark of “you just want it all the time” and “why must you grope me every time we hug” which isn’t true, I only do that every now and then.

Nothing I’ve tried has lit a fire in her. I’ve been working out more, trying to get into better shape, tried being more assertive, tried planning more of our family things so that she’s not always making decisions. I even tried telling her what I want to see her wear in the bedroom and she pushes back saying she doesn’t know how or it feels silly to her.
It can’t be fixed. Sorry but you have nothing to work with.
 

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So besides that Ms. Lincoln, how was the play?

In all reality, you have so many kids, your wife is probably stressed to the hilt. - 6 kids? that's a whole house of craziness. My house is nuts with 5 people in it.
What is amazing is when I was a little kid, we lived in a town with a high catholic population. At least 5, 6, 7, even 8 kids was not unusual in a family. Don't recall any of the mothers being stressed. In fact they all seemed pretty happy, chattering over the back fences with one another while they hung up the laundry on the line. They would put the older kids to shepherd the younger ones and was no big deal. In my family history ( though we weren't catholic ) there were families with 10, 12, 14 kids. Guess the men really liked their wives and visa versa.
 

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She said she has to try harder because she knows if another woman gives me attention she’s not giving me, I’ll be tempted. It’s the only time she’s said it and hasn’t done anything since.
Good! You not giving a crap what she thinks is breaking through. Next time she says something similar just tell her talk is cheap.

She is 100% right. If she doesnt want you there are other women who will. She can easily end up alone. Which is her problem not yours
 

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She has no interest in sex period.
she does feel bad about her lack of sex drive,
In another of your threads you said the following

“ 38 years ago..she says she's never had much if any sex drive. She told her friend last night that basically do all these years she gave in to my sexual advances only to make happy so I wouldn't get angry and upset! That I had her perform sex acts with me she didn't want to do?”

I am very sorry, but your wife has been consistent for a lifetime. She has told anyone who would listen that she has never had much interest in sex. If she really wanted to change, she would at least be trying.

Somehow you need to accept things as they are, for your own peace of mind.
 

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The only question is, between now and dead, is this the way you want to live your life.
Actually it is between the age he is now (62) and when his own libido tanks. Which if he left his testosterone alone could be 5 years +-. So his potential active and interested time could be tolerable. If he got his wife cranked up somehow, the stars could align to tank his interest. Or major illness intervene.

Actually, in his shoes I would do all could to accommodate the reality of wife’s libido and quit stressing about what has been lost. Focus on enjoying other aspects of life. In a decade or less he likely have zero interest in sex.

We have to take life as it comes, not as we wish it were.
 

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When I have complained to her about lack of intimacy she says, at our age this is to be expected, quite normal she says.
Maybe. Have no idea what is “normal”. At least one frequent female poster often writes that is just how it is and ‘men’ just need to accept it. That is true because by that age it is too late to “start over”.

It doesn’t have to be that way. And isnt that way for many couples. And a person doesn’t have to like it. But, giving up is understandable because the wife aint changing her mind.
 

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Guess I always saw it different than some. If something costs nothing and feels so good, then why not? Great way to pas some free time away. Great way to stay close to each other. Seemed like a complete win/win?
You would have to ask the uninterested party the question. I think maybe it is analogous to an enthusiastic gardener married to someone allergic to flowers.
 

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she expects me to initiate and she will accommodate my need for intercourse. She doesn’t need it nor does she ever think about it.
I will submit your "problem" is maybe solved, if she is indeed serious. If you will read the scientific paper @Laurentium linked to in another thread, you will see this is in fact the defacto norm for a woman who has been married a long time. Look up "The Female Sexual Response: A Different Model" There is a diagram that will explain how it works. Responsive Desire is the norm and maybe the only game in town with a lot of females. They don't start out aroused, but will become aroused with some effort by their partner Look at the diagrams in the paper.

Women married to the same old guy for years don't crave sex like a man does. In fact, after the first year or two and especially after kids arrive, sex is nearly the last thing in their mind. So if a man approaches them directly like they did when dating, it isn't going to lead to good things. That is just how it is. If you review the diagram you will see how the whole scenario works.

I will say my wife does need and obviously thinks about sex. But not to the extent that I do. If I didn't initiate, she would think I had lost interest in her, and THAT would be a problem. She just isn't going to initiate, it has never been her nature. Even when we were dating. Maybe it was her upbringing, that girls aren't supposed to start the romancing. Who knows? And really who cares? I surely don't! We have had a wonderfully full intimacy for a very long time. I get her motor started in small ways. Some conversation, a caress here, a kiss there, a whisper in her ear, some more conversation. Romance. Spend some time. She very readily and enthusiastically responds to me romancing her. What is kinda funny is she of course after all of these years knows where we are probably heading, but still plays the game.
 

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I’m being told she expects me to initiate and she will accommodate my need for intercourse.
So what does this mean? She wants you to initiate? Is it possible you are talking past one another? She says something but you interpret it differently from what she meant? Or she isnt saying what she means.

How is you initiating “being mean”? In her mind?

Would third party counseling/training facilitating the discussion help the two of you?
 
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