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How many times are you turned down after initiating sex?

14075 Views 302 Replies 54 Participants Last post by  In Absentia
I know the results will vary for this but just curious to see how other couples rate.

In my situation:

I’m Male 42, Wife is 40 (two kids early teens)

Together for 25 years. Married for 17.

She initiates 1-2 a year. I probably get turned down 6 out of 10 times I initiate.

Sex usually 2-4 times a month.
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Roughly weekly sex for 40 year olds that have been together since teenagers with two teenage kids is actually pretty good.

As far as the 6-10 turn down rate, how and under what circumstances are you trying to initiate?

If you are coming up to her while she is up to her elbows scrubbing the toilet and you ask, "do you wanna have sex?" the problem is on your end and lack of understanding of female responsive desire and lack of seduction skills.
She would never have sex randomly during the day unless we’re been on holiday and had a few drinks.

I’ve tried lots of different ways. Generally the 6 times I get rejected is usually when she’s sober. Our life consists of her simply getting in bed and turning on her front through the week Monday to Thursday (when we’re sober),

Of a weekend if we’ve had a few drinks she’s more receptive. A few weeks ago whilst on holiday I initiated by giving her a back massage to wake up morning time which led to sex. I did the same thing a week later not actually to necessarily lead to sex but after a couple of minutes she said my hands feel dirty (unwashed) even though I’d just washed them minutes earlier. I just got out of bed immediately and got on with my morning.

We can be having a nice night, touchy feely etc whilst on couch then in bed if I make a hand move to certain places her hand will immediately push me away. Tried kissing her and can tell by the fact it’s just a peck in return when she’s not interested. Suggested scheduled sex said she couldn’t think of anything worse.

It’s certainly an eye opening seeing how active some people are on here looking at these replies!
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Has she ever been different than this or is this the norm? At 40 she really should be approaching a sexual renaissance. Something has caused your wife to lose sexual attraction and desire for you. Even if she isn't interested in sex she shouldn't be pushing away physical contact.

And complaining about a back rub!? That is kind of sad. Even with rough hands I would think a wife would appreciate the thought. In practical terms, I suggest massage oil. My hands quickly become irritated when I give a massage or a rub without some kind of lubrication. I keep a pump bottle of massage oil on my night stand so it is always handy.
No she wasn’t always like this. It’s probably been since we had kids. Ahh I remember the good times when we used to lie in bed and she’d start playing with me. That was 15 plus years ago now. She said in the past I was younger then I shouldn’t expect her to be the same woman.

Your wife seems like an absolute dream! Kudos to both of you.
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We're both 36.
Together 19 years, married 15.
Kids are 8 weeks, 12 months, 21 months, and 6, 11, 13.

The last time she initiated was 8 weeks ago, and only because sex can induce labor and she was over being pregnant.

Since then, nada. Prior to that, no clue when she last initiated. She rarely does nowadays. The number of times we've done anything in the last 2.5 years is probably in the single digits.

The rejection rate is high, and if I'm not rejected the "quality" and aftermath are awful. So it's not worth it.

Couldn't even tell you the last time I've kissed her, not sure if it's even happened this year.

So, it's fantastic.
why did you continue to have kids with her?
The thread has gone off in a direction I didn’t want. I appreciate the responses however I wasn’t asking for advice (again) on how to fix my issues I was simply curious as to how other marriages are working in terms of initiating, frequency etc hence the wording my original post.

Funnily enough. She actually initiated last night and also agreed to a one for her. One for me and for one for each other going forward . Meaning she initiates once a week, I do and then Sunday is our scheduled day. Although again this was agreed after a couple of glasses of wine.
The thread has gone off in a direction I didn’t want. I appreciate the responses however I wasn’t asking for advice (again) on how to fix my issues I was simply curious as to how other marriages are working in terms of initiating, frequency etc hence the wording my original post.

Funnily enough. She actually initiated last night and also agreed to a one for her. One for me and for one for each other going forward . Meaning she initiates once a week, I do and then Sunday is our scheduled day. Although again this was agreed after a couple of glasses of wine.
Just a little update to this.

Turns out the one for me, one for her and one for each other didn't last long. In fact it didn't get started at all. My wife gets up early for gym or work through the week and tends to fall asleep watching TV most nights either on sofa or in bed. Either that or after we turn TV off in bed she'll roll over onto her front (in the don't touch me I'm going to sleep position). So I didn't initiate and neither did she.

In fact due to (her time of the month) we've only had sex once since I posted that above which was last night. Again it was after a few drinks and she didn't want me to go down on her afterwards to get her off which isn't usual. I make that at least 3 weeks since her last orgasm, as she doesn't masturbate herself.

I'm going to try something different today, I'm going to send her a text whilst she's at work telling her that tonight we're going to go up to bed at 9pm as usual but tonight I'm going to give her a massage, then go down on her and give her the best orgasm she's had for a while. Then if we're not too tired afterwards we'll watch TV.

She'll probably respond to the text with a laughing emoji, then I'm going to do what I said later tonight. (well attempt to anyway).

Will report back tomorrow with the results.
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What planet is she from? It can’t be Earth. Lol
i second this! Wow.
I like the plan
Her response to the text was “omfg 🤣”
My wife has sent me a message saying tonight might have to be postponed as she’s got a bad stomach.

So I said no problem fun Tuesday it is. To which she replied with a heart emoji so let’s see what tomorrow brings.
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Ingrown toenail?
Turns out, I didn't need to wait until today. We we're quite touchy feely last night, and whilst in bed I felt the mood was right to make a move. She reciprocated and it was game on!

I just need to continue taking charge now and see where it goes.
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Turns out, I didn't need to wait until today. We we're quite touchy feely last night, and whilst in bed I felt the mood was right to make a move. She reciprocated and it was game on!

I just need to continue taking charge now and see where it goes.
Well this didn't last long.

The last couple few weeks haven't been great. The last time we had sex (again after alcohol) was a couple of weeks ago and she stopped me in the middle of it and said I was going too fast, I'm not in the mood now and pulled away. That was the end of that. We had a brief discussion a week or so later about it, and I was told I was like a 16 year old and it was just weird, I asked her why she didn't just communicate that to me earlier that she wasn't into it and that I was sorry I misread the situation (she was making groans and I thought she was enjoying it). Her response was that I should know that it wasn't what she wanted.

Since then to be honest she's been moody, distant and miserable. She's back in her I hate life, hate my job, hate this hate that mood so I haven't even tried to make an effort or initiate because I haven't wanted to, as the days go on and she continues like this I get less attracted to her if I'm 100% honest. There's no way she would have reciprocated to anything lately. I can sit on the couch and hear her sighing and huffing and puffing next to me. Today she sent me a text about a parcel that was delivered, and I replied jokingly it's a vibrator - her text response back was F**k O*f.

There'll be days where she sends texts with the normal xx on the end, and then days where it's nothing. If I drive her to work of a morning she won't give me a kiss or anything she just simply gets out. Get's in bed every night and turns on her back to go to sleep. It's like me, myself and Irene and I'm just sick of treading on eggshells around her and wondering what type of mood she's in.

At least I can say I made an effort to improve things.

Time for the 180.
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This is a woman who doesn't deserve to be married.

A friend would treat you better.
Thanks for replying. I actually agree.

Im ashamed and embarrassed to actually say what Im going to but current situation now is this.

We’ve had two night break on our own booked for a while. Last night and tonight. Last week I actually thought about cancelling as there’s still been nothing from her but I could do with a break from kids and normal life myself so didn’t.

Last night after a nice meal and drinks (quite a few) we ended up having sex when we got back to hotel. Neither of us came and as usual just drunken sex.

This morning I woke early which I often do but it was like 5.30am, so I dozed and waited until around 7.15 and tried to stirr my wife to see if she was up for hangover morning sex (which she often is on breaks/holidays). She asked what time it was and then replied it’s too early and went back asleep.

We mostly have sex after drinking and my wife has no patience if I’m not ready for action so as I tend to take viagra more or less all the time now to make sure things down below will work otherwise if it doesn’t i could be waiting weeks again. And it plays on my mind when it doesn’t work for next time.

8am I stirred her again and she reciprocated, she started giving me a handjob to get me ready but it was already playing on my mind it won’t work. She didn’t give it much time before saying you’re not ready and I said carry on I will be and thankfully I was back in the game. We started have sex and then rather than come when I was going to I said to her go on top and by the time shE messed about trying to find bedsheets again to cover herself up and get on top I lost erection.

The combination of have sex after drinking or hungover coupled with her impatience is seriously affecting me.

anyway at that point she said I can’t be bothered so I carried on and gave her oral sex until she came. I then said it’s your turn now and she can just use her hand (as she doesn’t like to give me a blowjob). She ignored a few of my prompts to do it and basically lay face away from me on bed. I just felt sick.

Today we’ve been out and had a walk and lunch and two drinks only. Now we’re back in hotel having a siesta and I thought was perfect time to have sober sex. Apparently not. She’s gone asleep next to me. And when I mentioned about having sex now whilst sober she said I’m like a baby and to wait an hour or so after her sleep I presume.

now it looks like my options are to wake her up
Shortly because she won’t, initiate because she won’t or have drunken sex again tonight after our night out.

I know it’s my fault for accepting this. If I didn’t have kids I’d run a million miles away honestly.
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Ok, this sounds stupid, but can get a point across. Just bang one off on her whilst she sleeps and tell her ya couldn't wait.
To be honest I did actually start doing that. I said I’ll do it myself and as I started she was like are you messing? She was facing the other way and just ignored me after that.

Later on in the afternoon we came back the hotel and after a sleep for an hour (her not me) we ended up having sex. Again on her terms as I wanted it before she went asleep and she didn’t.

Since we’ve come home she’s been more touchy freely. She definitely has up and down mood swings throughout the month.

I need to emphasise the point that I’m not too concerned that she doesn’t ever initiate as long as when I do the majority of the time she doesn’t reject me.
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I got told tonight to lower my expectations on sex because I just need to realize that the majority of the time we have sex it will just be for my benefit since she’s just not that into it. She also told me that most wives are probably like this and that’s why I needed to lower my expectations. Take it or leave it approach.

I’m giving this until after the holidays before I make a decision on what I should do. I do not want to be in a marriage with sex this way the rest of my life, that’s for sure.
Wow. I’m sorry to hear that. I’d be out the door. 100%.

Last night I thought the stars would align for some sober sex, but again just as it was lights out time she turned on her stomach. I said aren’t we having our usual Tuesday night session half jokingly and she replied yes twice and laughed. That was the end of the conversation and she nodded off to sleep.
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Dr Psych Mom has a podcast from September 2nd titled, “Every Time You Promise Sex You Don’t Give, An Angel Dies In Heaven.”

it is about people promising lovins later or the next day but then have an excuse and don’t deliver.
Shall I send my Wife the link to read it ha.
it is a podcast, but yeah DPM explains the damaged and resentment caused by rejecting your spouse and then promising to do it “later” but then having another excuse and another rejection when ‘later’ rolls around.

She likens it to telling the kids you can’t take them for ice cream or to the amusement park but saying you will do it tomorrow, but when tomorrow comes your not in the mood to take them to ice cream or you’re too tired or their was too much to do around the house or that they hadn’t cleaned up the garage like they said they would etc etc

if a parent does that to a kid all the time, they’d be a shtty parent. But some people think it’s perfectly ok to treat their partner like that.
to be honest my wife rarely promises anything when it comes to sex.
Last night I thought I’d attempt to initiate again. She didn’t get straight on her front in bed so after a few cuddles I moved my hand below her waistline. Her arm literally shot down fast and pulled my hand back up.

I didn’t move away straight away as I didn’t want to come across as bothered by it. When I did retreat to my side of the bed a couple of mins later she moved over and rested her head on my chest.

I just find it bizarre i really do. Tomorrow we’re having a few drinks for her father’s birthday and if I did the same thing as I did last night she’d not be pulling my hand away.

Im going to speak to her at some point and say this isn’t working for me. I’m not prepared to have a sex life with someone who doesn’t initiate and then when I do whilst we’re both sober I get rejected. Pretty sure any new man she’d meet wouldn’t either. Then again I very much doubt she’d be like that.

The conversation needs to done whilst sober also.
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Does your wife have a drinking problem? Do you?

You mention drinking or being sober and sex in the same sentence a lot. What role do you think the alcohol is playing? Does alcohol affect her selfishness?

IME, one can have a better sex life replacing the alcohol with THC.

Also, IME, it is possible to push or pull someone in a particular direction, get the results one thought desirable (more sex), but still be unhappy because the results didn’t come from a place of attraction, value, and generosity — but rather came from arm twisting and fear. Those minor victories along the way consume time and are not the same as relaxed, pleasurable, and joyous living. Something best considered, now rather than later.
Drinking wise we have a drink together once a week on average, Usually on a Friday after the working week. We don’t drink at all usually Monday to Thursday.

Drinking seems to loosen her up. Which would be fine maybe if we had a couple of glasses of wine every night instead of 10 on a Friday. 😂

I’ve had this for years now. I want a regular norma sex life with my wife. Not someone who shares children and a house with and have sex here and there after a drink always on her terms.

I agree with what you’re saying hence why it’s hard to bring up youd like to think it would happen naturally but I’ve tried lots of things over the years, passively and not passively.
You can get drunk chicks in bars.

If your only options are getting with some drunk chick once a weekend, it might as well be a drunk chick from the bar because then you can toss her out when you’re done and you don’t have to put up with her the other 6 days out of the week.
100% correct.
Sounds like our situations are very similar, except you are having way more sex than I am. Not sure how long you’ve been at it. I am mid 50s, 30 years in, the beginning was pleasurable, everything since kids has been problematic in the bedroom, the last 10 years have had a couple of year or two year long stints of absolutely nothing sexual.

I am shocked and embarrassed how my wife has used substances to make sex with me bearable. It is a recent revelation, stemming partly from her claim she’s never had sex with me without drinking. My only consolation was the great sex she had earlier with others was probably easier because of age and other substances.

Just wanted to mention it is easy to spend years trying to get someone to do what that someone does not want to do. Engagement (rare) on the problem can feel like you are getting somewhere, but if the person doesn’t even want to want to provide what you are looking for, that person will always find a way to make it fail. Unless she can convince you she has the same goal (wanting to WANT to have sex with you), and will do what it takes to be intentional in solving it, there is not much to pin hope on. The temporary improvements in frequency etc will always feel hollow, when and if they happen. Just my experience. Yours may be or may have been different. Just be careful about the passage of time.
Im sorry you’re in that situation. Passage of time has now stretched into years.

Last night sort of came to a head. I promised myself not to bring anything up after a drink that went out the window.

All my friends were out for a drink and I’ve not been out with them for a while now; anyway because it was my Father in law’s birthday we did them a meal in our house.We both made a big effort for them but half way through the evening I brought up the subject of nights before Christmas and said I need to sort a night out with my friends. My wife’s face changed and said we’ve got a holiday to pay for in January.

I said I haven’t been out for months I don’t have work Christmas parties (as I’m self employed) and I’m going out with my friends. She wasn’t mentioning money last week when I took her away for 2 nights. Anyway that annoyed me.

the night continued then my brother started messaging me saying my father is annoyed because we don’t invite him and my mother to things anymore, holidays and nights out and things like the meal. My mother is miserable and moans about everything but that’s another story.

My wife asks what’s my brother is saying so I tel her but say don’t mention anything in front of her parents and make them feel bad about our evening.

anyway they go home and we’re sitting there having a drink and she goes to me, why do you look so miserable, I could tell she was ready for an argument so I gave it to her with both barrels.

I said if she goes on a date with someone new and says by the way, I’ll very rarely initiate sex, and when you do whilst I’m sober I’ll probably reject you. We might have sex after I’ve had a few drinks which is once a week or maybe if you catch me at the right time the next morning whilst I’m hungover and so are you.

what would a new man say?

Anyway I’m not stupid I know she wouldnt be like this with someone else so why should I accept it after 23 years.

Her reply last night was she’ll talk with me today. She won’t. It will be the silent treatment all weekend then the fantastic working week begins all over again. That’s the chance of sex over with also.

I don’t care anymore:
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