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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I know the results will vary for this but just curious to see how other couples rate.

In my situation:

I’m Male 42, Wife is 40 (two kids early teens)

Together for 25 years. Married for 17.

She initiates 1-2 a year. I probably get turned down 6 out of 10 times I initiate.

Sex usually 2-4 times a month.
 

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Me 47 wife 47
Kids 21&23 …. Pretty much out the house but still around a lot
Married 25 and been together since high school

We fell into the mommy/daddy trap while raising the kids and lost sight of our roles as husband and wife. At this point sex was probably only twice a month and relatively unadventurous. Score rate probably 50% and wife never initiated.

The turning point:

I took an inventory of my life one day after a fight with my spouse and decided for me the only option was a marriage of the husband/wife dynamic based on mutual respect and blanketed in passion. The days of the kids being her/our #1 emotional investment needed to close out immediately and I was going to do absolutely anything to make it happen including an immediate divorce. I dropped the nuclear bomb on her and gave her the option of either an awesome marriage or being single. We decided we wanted an awesome marriage and I gave it a 6 month time frame for each of us to get our own chit cleaned up and set back straight. I was not bluffing to her and she knew it. This forum is one of the tools I used to better myself as a proper leader of a husband.

These days sex is pretty insane and way better than anything we did even as teenagers. Sexuality is a comfortable topic in our conversation and there is a near constant sexual tension between us. There is no such thing really as “who initiates” because it just kind of happens. Of course there are many “hard initiated” moments but each of us already know the other is interested before it happens. We do not turn each other down ever as we are both willing to have a go pretty much anytime.

The best things I have ever done to improve our sex life is to have genuine interest and desire in her outside of our sex life.

My wife is a completely reserved conservative angel in public and most people would be shocked if they knew what went on behind our closed doors
 

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I know the results will vary for this but just curious to see how other couples rate.
I'm 51, my wife is 52, we've had two kids together one is 22 and the other is 19.

We've been together for 26 years and have been married for a bit over 23½ years.

My wife usually initiates sex about a ⅓ of the time. I get turned down, I don't know? Maybe around once every 12-15x that I initiate.

We share sex together usually at around 24-32x a month, yet there are still times when it is a bit more often.

That said, knowing how much sex other couples share, is unlikely to make any difference to how much you and your wife share.
 

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Male 51, wife 62. Married 27, together 31.

I never get turned down.

She initiates several times a week and often several times a day until she gets her way with me.

Our dynamic has changed over the last few years with her becoming the primary pursuer.

If I even look at her wrong these days, she is getting naked and ready for business.
 

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I know the results will vary for this but just curious to see how other couples rate.

In my situation:

I’m Male 42, Wife is 40 (two kids early teens)

Together for 25 years. Married for 17.

She initiates 1-2 a year. I probably get turned down 6 out of 10 times I initiate.

Sex usually 2-4 times a month.
Roughly weekly sex for 40 year olds that have been together since teenagers with two teenage kids is actually pretty good.

As far as the 6-10 turn down rate, how and under what circumstances are you trying to initiate?

If you are coming up to her while she is up to her elbows scrubbing the toilet and you ask, "do you wanna have sex?" the problem is on your end and lack of understanding of female responsive desire and lack of seduction skills.
 

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I know the results will vary for this but just curious to see how other couples rate.

In my situation:

I’m Male 42, Wife is 40 (two kids early teens)

Together for 25 years. Married for 17.

She initiates 1-2 a year. I probably get turned down 6 out of 10 times I initiate.

Sex usually 2-4 times a month.
Wife n I mid 70s. Married 56 years. Wife’s “initiation” is saying “do you wanna lay down?”, so I am initiator mostly. Never “turned down.” Ever.

Sex every day, some days more than one encounter. We have a routine “schedule”. Barring health issues like Covid.
 

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We're both 36.
Together 19 years, married 15.
Kids are 8 weeks, 12 months, 21 months, and 6, 11, 13.

The last time she initiated was 8 weeks ago, and only because sex can induce labor and she was over being pregnant.

Since then, nada. Prior to that, no clue when she last initiated. She rarely does nowadays. The number of times we've done anything in the last 2.5 years is probably in the single digits.

The rejection rate is high, and if I'm not rejected the "quality" and aftermath are awful. So it's not worth it.

Couldn't even tell you the last time I've kissed her, not sure if it's even happened this year.

So, it's fantastic.
 

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The best things I have ever done to improve our sex life is to have genuine interest and desire in her outside of our sex life.
I have to say this is true for our marriage too. I've always done this to some degree, but putting more effort into this has made me and her so much happier and that has defiantly carried over into our sex life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Roughly weekly sex for 40 year olds that have been together since teenagers with two teenage kids is actually pretty good.

As far as the 6-10 turn down rate, how and under what circumstances are you trying to initiate?

If you are coming up to her while she is up to her elbows scrubbing the toilet and you ask, "do you wanna have sex?" the problem is on your end and lack of understanding of female responsive desire and lack of seduction skills.
She would never have sex randomly during the day unless we’re been on holiday and had a few drinks.

I’ve tried lots of different ways. Generally the 6 times I get rejected is usually when she’s sober. Our life consists of her simply getting in bed and turning on her front through the week Monday to Thursday (when we’re sober),

Of a weekend if we’ve had a few drinks she’s more receptive. A few weeks ago whilst on holiday I initiated by giving her a back massage to wake up morning time which led to sex. I did the same thing a week later not actually to necessarily lead to sex but after a couple of minutes she said my hands feel dirty (unwashed) even though I’d just washed them minutes earlier. I just got out of bed immediately and got on with my morning.

We can be having a nice night, touchy feely etc whilst on couch then in bed if I make a hand move to certain places her hand will immediately push me away. Tried kissing her and can tell by the fact it’s just a peck in return when she’s not interested. Suggested scheduled sex said she couldn’t think of anything worse.

It’s certainly an eye opening seeing how active some people are on here looking at these replies!
 

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I am 51, she is 54, married 32 years, together 35. Two kids, 24 and 22. The older is completely out of the house and the younger is finishing up college so he is here part time.

We average 4-5x per week, sometimes more, sometimes less. My wife initiates more that I used to realize. Usually it is subtle and triggers me to make a move on here without even realizing what she did. She is tricky like that, lol. On occasion she is more straight forward about it. Earlier this week we were watching TV on the sofa. Next thing I know she straddles me, starts kissing me passionately and tells me to take her to bed. So I picked her up and carried her off to the bedroom. She initiates in a straight forward manner like that only a couple times a month.

9 out of 10 times she will be receptive to my initiation, but that is partially due to me knowing when the odds are very low, so I don't bother. In those instances I'll often do something somewhat intimate involving touch, but not sexual. Like randomly massaging her feet or her shoulders. Or scratching her back, head or legs. She loves that stuff and I know it relaxes her, so I enjoy doing it for her with no strings attached. Some times though, doing that will lead to her initiating, which of course is fine by me.

We had sex less when the kids were younger. It wouldn't happen much during the week due to her just being exhausted. We would still manage to find time at least 1 day during the week, typically in the morning when we woke up. We probably averaged 2-3 time a week.


We've had lulls in our sex life, but there was almost always an identifiable cause, either medical or something external. to our marriage, like work, kid's schedules, etc. Luckily they've all had solutions. The bottom line is we are into each other sexually. I wish I could put that attraction in a bottle and sell it. It seems to come so easy to us. I often have a hard time understanding dead bedroom stories and how they got there. They usually sound like a loveless relationship lacking in any kind of passion, desire, lust and intimacy. That would feel like an empty marriage to me. Even on days we don't have sex, there are always multiple interaction between us every single day that signals we are attracted to each other. My wife grabs my junk at least a few time every day, lol. We kiss and hug all the time. It has been like that the whole 35 years we've been together. I don't understand how others aren't able to keep that spark and passion alive. I really wish everyone were able to.
 

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She would never have sex randomly during the day unless we’re been on holiday and had a few drinks.

I’ve tried lots of different ways. Generally the 6 times I get rejected is usually when she’s sober. Our life consists of her simply getting in bed and turning on her front through the week Monday to Thursday (when we’re sober),

Of a weekend if we’ve had a few drinks she’s more receptive. A few weeks ago whilst on holiday I initiated by giving her a back massage to wake up morning time which led to sex. I did the same thing a week later not actually to necessarily lead to sex but after a couple of minutes she said my hands feel dirty (unwashed) even though I’d just washed them minutes earlier. I just got out of bed immediately and got on with my morning.

We can be having a nice night, touchy feely etc whilst on couch then in bed if I make a hand move to certain places her hand will immediately push me away. Tried kissing her and can tell by the fact it’s just a peck in return when she’s not interested. Suggested scheduled sex said she couldn’t think of anything worse.

It’s certainly an eye opening seeing how active some people are on here looking at these replies!
Has she ever been different than this or is this the norm? At 40 she really should be approaching a sexual renaissance. Something has caused your wife to lose sexual attraction and desire for you. Even if she isn't interested in sex she shouldn't be pushing away physical contact.

And complaining about a back rub!? That is kind of sad. Even with rough hands I would think a wife would appreciate the thought. In practical terms, I suggest massage oil. My hands quickly become irritated when I give a massage or a rub without some kind of lubrication. I keep a pump bottle of massage oil on my night stand so it is always handy.
 

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I know the results will vary for this but just curious to see how other couples rate.

In my situation:

I’m Male 42, Wife is 40 (two kids early teens)

Together for 25 years. Married for 17.

She initiates 1-2 a year. I probably get turned down 6 out of 10 times I initiate.

Sex usually 2-4 times a month.
2-4 time a month… what a dream!

I’m 20 yrs in, been rejected continually for the entire 20 prob 90% of the time. Wife stresses about EVERYTHING.. prob loses sleep wondering if the sun will rise. Which means she’s never in the mood. Now, I just don’t care, I stay cause I want to live in the same house as my kids. So now I have a female room mate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Has she ever been different than this or is this the norm? At 40 she really should be approaching a sexual renaissance. Something has caused your wife to lose sexual attraction and desire for you. Even if she isn't interested in sex she shouldn't be pushing away physical contact.

And complaining about a back rub!? That is kind of sad. Even with rough hands I would think a wife would appreciate the thought. In practical terms, I suggest massage oil. My hands quickly become irritated when I give a massage or a rub without some kind of lubrication. I keep a pump bottle of massage oil on my night stand so it is always handy.
No she wasn’t always like this. It’s probably been since we had kids. Ahh I remember the good times when we used to lie in bed and she’d start playing with me. That was 15 plus years ago now. She said in the past I was younger then I shouldn’t expect her to be the same woman.

Your wife seems like an absolute dream! Kudos to both of you.
 

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No she wasn’t always like this. It’s probably been since we had kids. Ahh I remember the good times when we used to lie in bed and she’d start playing with me. That was 15 plus years ago now. She said in the past I was younger then I shouldn’t expect her to be the same woman.

Your wife seems like an absolute dream! Kudos to both of you.
Your wife is right, she isn't the same woman, but why is that an okay excuse to no longer be attracted to your husband? I think at the core of a marriage is the physical attraction to each other. Sadly, I bet she would rediscover her sexuality with a new man. I don't mean that as a knock on you, but it seems far too common that a woman loses attraction for their SO, but they actually haven't lost their attraction/sexuality in general.
 

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We're both 36.
Together 19 years, married 15.
Kids are 8 weeks, 12 months, 21 months, and 6, 11, 13.

The last time she initiated was 8 weeks ago, and only because sex can induce labor and she was over being pregnant.

Since then, nada. Prior to that, no clue when she last initiated. She rarely does nowadays. The number of times we've done anything in the last 2.5 years is probably in the single digits.

The rejection rate is high, and if I'm not rejected the "quality" and aftermath are awful. So it's not worth it.

Couldn't even tell you the last time I've kissed her, not sure if it's even happened this year.

So, it's fantastic.
With that kid lineup I can't say I'm shocked. Just reading those ages makes me want to crawl into a cave and sleep. You are some fertile folks.
 

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We're both 36.
Together 19 years, married 15.
Kids are 8 weeks, 12 months, 21 months, and 6, 11, 13.

The last time she initiated was 8 weeks ago, and only because sex can induce labor and she was over being pregnant.

Since then, nada. Prior to that, no clue when she last initiated. She rarely does nowadays. The number of times we've done anything in the last 2.5 years is probably in the single digits.

The rejection rate is high, and if I'm not rejected the "quality" and aftermath are awful. So it's not worth it.

Couldn't even tell you the last time I've kissed her, not sure if it's even happened this year.

So, it's fantastic.
Sounds like a lovely marriage :rolleyes:
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
We're both 36.
Together 19 years, married 15.
Kids are 8 weeks, 12 months, 21 months, and 6, 11, 13.

The last time she initiated was 8 weeks ago, and only because sex can induce labor and she was over being pregnant.

Since then, nada. Prior to that, no clue when she last initiated. She rarely does nowadays. The number of times we've done anything in the last 2.5 years is probably in the single digits.

The rejection rate is high, and if I'm not rejected the "quality" and aftermath are awful. So it's not worth it.

Couldn't even tell you the last time I've kissed her, not sure if it's even happened this year.

So, it's fantastic.
why did you continue to have kids with her?
 

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With that kid lineup I can't say I'm shocked. Just reading those ages makes me want to crawl into a cave and sleep. You are some fertile folks.
That's not the excuse, IMO.

Fertile... Yeah, now, apparently. Prior to the youngest three she had 6 (give or take) miscarriages then two years of trying and fertility meds and IUIs that didn't work. Go figure.
 
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