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This has been eating at me inside and several times I have almost told him, but really didn't want to ruin progress we had made. I had a ONS with the man that I was in EA with post my H moving out. It was during seperation and I felt dirty after words. I imagined my H was him and it wasn't the OM. I was realizing it was all wrong when the OM was with me. He didn't even seem like the same man I invisioned him from FB pics. I felt nohting for him when he was in my presence. When he went home the next day...I stopped contacting him and I ignored msot of his calls, texts and video attemps. I would no longer have video sex with him. A short time later I broke up with him over a FB message while he was working.

I have wanted to tell my H all this, but I just couldn't bring up my memories of feeling so dirty. Now my H is pissed beyond believe. hes 800 miles away from me and accusing me of still seeing OM...even though I told my H I had cut off all contact after oct 17th...(I know the exact day because my H had sent me an email asking if I really wanted the divorce) So I had told OM I wanted to work on my marraige and could not talk to him anymore. Told him I was deleting his number. He still contacted me through FB, but soon I told him I needed to defriend him and we could not be friends anymore.

My H is not calm enough that I can even tell him all this. Hes accusing me of liking the sex. IN actuality I did not touch the OM sexually, he did all that. I am a person that likes to touch. I was not impressed with OM.

We even have a cruise coming upa nd my H was just talking about flights for it. I asked him why was he talking about flights if he was alos talking about divorce. He said the OM would go with me.

He has said last night that he is so hurt that he does not think he can go on in the marraige.

We are seperated by 800 miles because of living and work situtions. I don't think it is fair to decide to divorce before we have started our lives over. We are also in bankrupcy, getting ready to file, dumped all our debt except cars. I want to try before we quit. I told him I would not give him a divorce.

I know I'm not perfect for not telling him about the ONS...but we had so many down times since reconsilation that this was my chance when it didn't seem like to much else was going on. My H asked why I didn't tell him I had the ONS when he admitted his. I did admit an EA when he admiteed his. I later learned he greatly trickle truthed everything. I did tell him I didn't tell him everyhting because he had a lawyer and he would have divorced me. He said he would have done just that.



So my questions are.....What kind of pain is he feeling? what should I do? I've already told him how much I love him and told him I imagined him, told him it was one day, he asked a date I told him a day I thought it was ( I have ersased much memory)

hes very angry and pushing me into deep deep depresion. I want his love, but he won't tell me he loves me anymore.

He obvisoiuly wants some of my love because he got very upset last night when I didn't respond to him texting "night" he didn't say his usual "luv u lots" so I didn't want to respond and then I told him that I wanted the usual "I luv U's"

He never said it or text it, but kept me up till 3am, trying to push my buttons....It didn't work until today....he pushed then really really bad...Had me unable to drive I was so upset....

I know it would be good for me to not talk to him for a while, but I know he will then say I'm ignoring him. If I stay in contact with him...he is liable to break me emotionally again..

What should I do?
 

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How long will a H mourn finding out Wife past infedility?
There isn't an answer to this. But what i do know from what guys tell me is that trickle truthing doesn't help at all. Every time they get a new info they are back to square one. So, you really need to come clean once and for all or you'll have this hanging over you forever.
 

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There isn't an answer to this. But what i do know from what guys tell me is that trickle truthing doesn't help at all. Every time they get a new info they are back to square one. So, you really need to come clean once and for all or you'll have this hanging over you forever.
He knows everything, but he doesn't beleive me
 

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Is it possible for you to take a sabbatical, fly over and be with him? If he was the WH wouldn't you expect him to do that for you?
 

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Is it possible for you to take a sabbatical, fly over and be with him? If he was the WH wouldn't you expect him to do that for you?
I'm not sure how possible it is for me to fly over right now to be wiht him or if he would want me too. I said I would drive there, but he said no. I told him there was not a lot I could do to show him my love from 800 miles away. ( I know he is physical touch, quality time and in person communication)
 

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Perfectly normal since you first admitted to an EA and then to a ONS. He now thinks you have banged half the state by the progression of things...
I just didn't expect this type of reaction from him. I had heard guys viewed EAs as more than PA's.... Mine was mostly EA until OM was actually in person. I acxtually would have told OM no if I felt like I could, but I felt like I had lead him on the whole time....He just was not the same in person. So I imagined my H since i wanted i to be him
 

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I'm not sure how possible it is for me to fly over right now to be wiht him or if he would want me too. I said I would drive there, but he said no. I told him there was not a lot I could do to show him my love from 800 miles away. ( I know he is physical touch, quality time and in person communication)
He may not want you there. But that's where you need to be. 800 miles at 60 miles an hour is about 20 hours with breaks. It may be worth it. He may still hate you for what you did to him, but at some point, this will be a positive for you. The alternative is to not be there, let him fester and build up his rage into something which becomes irreversible.

It's very likely that even if you travel, he will not want to be in the same room with you, may treat you bad, may shout, be nasty. Your going there is not going to be pleasant or fun. But that aside, your actions from now on will define your chances for R. If you want to keep the chance alive, you have to bridge the 800 miles.
 

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I am not clear if this was an EA before you separated or after? Was this the cause of separation to begin with?

IDK what you should do. But I can tell you that for me marriage is marriage until it is officially ended. Which means that even during a separation we are married. Thus your ONS was cheating. I know some people view separation as not really being married, but not me. So perhaps this is part of your husband's issue, he sees your ONS as cheating every bit as much as had it happened before you were separated.

I would also view my wife having sex with another man during separation as a very big indicator that she has moved on. If she came back I would seriously wonder about her motives. Am I just Plan B (or Plan C, D, or E)? How many other men did she have sex with during the separation?

FWIW, I see a PA as more distressing to me than an EA. I understand an EA is harder for the WS to recover from than a ONS PA. But on the BS side of the fence I have much more heartburn over a PA.
 

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He may not want you there. But that's where you need to be. 800 miles at 60 miles an hour is about 20 hours with breaks. It may be worth it. He may still hate you for what you did to him, but at some point, this will be a positive for you. The alternative is to not be there, let him fester and build up his rage into something which becomes irreversible.

It's very likely that even if you travel, he will not want to be in the same room with you, may treat you bad, may shout, be nasty. Your going there is not going to be pleasant or fun. But that aside, your actions from now on will define your chances for R. If you want to keep the chance alive, you have to bridge the 800 miles.
Its a 12 hr drive if planned out well. I drove theere myself in August for our anniversary. He is set on saving money, so me coming out there he might be against because of that. I've asked him already if he wanted me to come out there and he said he would not be around and I would not find him. That was earlier today when he was really really pissed. I'm not sure if he would agree to me coming out there once he settles down.

He sprained his wrist today hitting a concrete wall. I wanted to see a pic just to make sure he wasn't making it up. Conversation was camler but not about anyhting in particular. He wanted to know if I was still worked up & pissy and *****y...Told him as long as he didn't start accusing me and pushing my triggers as far as affair. I told him Id be opne to talking about it calmly if he wanted. He said he didn't want to talk about anything.

I do hope that we can get past this and it opens up communication. There was a lot I couldn't talk about because the secret was locked inside of me. Hes not willing to talk yet though
 

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Remember "Tear's" thread... She had a ONS and confessed it fairly quickly and completely, and so far, no forgiveness on his part. He's said divorce is the only option.

C
 

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I am not clear if this was an EA before you separated or after? Was this the cause of separation to begin with?

IDK what you should do. But I can tell you that for me marriage is marriage until it is officially ended. Which means that even during a separation we are married. Thus your ONS was cheating. I know some people view separation as not really being married, but not me. So perhaps this is part of your husband's issue, he sees your ONS as cheating every bit as much as had it happened before you were separated.

I would also view my wife having sex with another man during separation as a very big indicator that she has moved on. If she came back I would seriously wonder about her motives. Am I just Plan B (or Plan C, D, or E)? How many other men did she have sex with during the separation?

FWIW, I see a PA as more distressing to me than an EA. I understand an EA is harder for the WS to recover from than a ONS PA. But on the BS side of the fence I have much more heartburn over a PA.
The EA was before we seperated. I don't think the seperation was because of the EA entirly, but probably had part to do wiht it. My H had gotten very very mad one night which lead to a restraining order, with no cops called. The EA at that time was no pics exchanged and no sex talk...it was a lot of friendship type talk, but it was while my H was sleeping. It didn't turn sexual over phone and video until the seperation.

I view it as cheating too. MY H cheated duirng seperation too for at least 6 wks.

He did ask me how many other men I had sex with and he did say I just want his paycheck.

I really did not want to tell him about this, but at the same time I did too. I didn't want to tell him because I know the mind movies that play sicne I have already expeirenced extreme pain with his PA. I'm hoping once we are living together that he can perform sexually wihtout mind movies.

I did want to tell him about this ONS because I want him to know what was going through my head. Then I want him to know that I did not touch him, I didn't have passion wth OM like I do with H....I wanted to really be making love to my husband. I also want my H to be open to changing our sex life once we are living together. I want to be more of a passionate part in the love making. I want the passion to be like when we first met and he wasn't expecting sex becasue it was a new relationship. I want to kiss him and touch him wihtout him pushing me away. Even before my EA he would not let me do any of this.....I miss being a loving part of the lovemaking. He decides when we make love and its him doing most of the touching. I do get to touch his Penis, but I want to kiss his chest and start witht he kissing and then work my way all over until he gets excited....

I want this type of communication to open up and no I did not do anyhting like that with OM...it was just sex
 

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Remember "Tear's" thread... She had a ONS and confessed it fairly quickly and completely, and so far, no forgiveness on his part. He's said divorce is the only option.

C
No I didn't see that thread.

So far since Sat night...my H has said divorce out of pain and anger, but then when hes calmer and I ask if he hates me...He says he doesn't hate me....I don't get the I love you often...but he did say it last night in a conversation of text.....

He has asked me if I want out and i've said no.

When I say he wants a divorce, a lot of times he has answered "did I say that?"
 

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blue, I am concerned that he is taking this so hard when he also had a sexual relationship during the separation. And you two are living far apart, not seeing much of each other. And he is discouraging you visiting.

It makes me think that he may be thinking divorce but not simply because of this ONS. It may be a convenient excuse, and it is a way to make you the bad guy.

Sure, he has the right to be hurt by the ONS with EA guy. His relationships during the separation don't magically erase the ONS, but it sure does change the landscape a whole lot.
 

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blue, I am concerned that he is taking this so hard when he also had a sexual relationship during the separation. And you two are living far apart, not seeing much of each other. And he is discouraging you visiting.

It makes me think that he may be thinking divorce but not simply because of this ONS. It may be a convenient excuse, and it is a way to make you the bad guy.

Sure, he has the right to be hurt by the ONS with EA guy. His relationships during the separation don't magically erase the ONS, but it sure does change the landscape a whole lot.
I am concerned too......It is possible hes having some type of an EA and its alos possible hes not.......I'm not letting him off the hook by filing for divorce, but I know I have tht option should something come to light that he really is having an EA or PA....I have asked him several times if hes haivng an affair...and of course he says there is no other woman.....

I know he was thinking divorce before I told him of the ONS...I just don't know if he was serious...he actually never asked for a divorce, but he said I was pushing him away.....

Living apart we don't have anyhting to talk about and its not like a new relationship where you have plenty because you are getting to know eachoter. He says the only things I talked about were bad things....Our kids are a huge challenge and my living situation with his parents is a huge challenge. I know he already feels like a failure cause he can't provide his family with a house and his wife has no house to run. Our son has severe autism with some possibly newly learned brain damage. He sees any news from the school about our son to be negative.

I told my husband I would not give him a divorce. I will not give up on us before we actually have our start. I know how much we enjoy eachother when we are together and how well we raise our kids together. For me I just can't give up on that.
 

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I am having a similar debacle with my husband. I wanted the divorce as well or so I thought but I then realised that it was my anger and frustration talking. He is not being horrible to me but he is being extremely distant. He feels the need to remind me that he "feels no different" in terms of moving forward. I believe his "friend" is supporting him into seeing just what a witch I am. I am trying to just stay calm for a while and then progress talking again. I don't think distance is a good idea! It gives more time for people to "help" or for him to create a vision of you with Horns!!
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Thor,

She is the bad guy having performed a transgression post D Day.

Yes this is a done deal as 800 miles will make non reconciliation very feasible.

This relationship now is very damaged with little hope.

Support to you blue.
 

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Blue, I'm sorry, but technically, this was not a ONS. You had an EA with the guy, which started before you and your husband were separated. You had video sex with him. Then you actually consummated that. This wasn't a ONS, it was an affair.

How long will it take him to get over it? However long it takes... IF he can get over it. You trickle truth'd him for months...well, closer to a year, really. He is back at square one because you finally gave him this information. He has to process this, just the same as you had to process HIS affair. It was a year ago for you... but it was just a couple days ago FOR HIM. So, it's going to take however long it takes... could take another 5 years, even.

As for men thinking EA is worse than PA when it comes to their wives... Not necessarily. Some men (and some women) put them on the same level. Some feel EA is worse. Some feel PA is worse. Just depends on the person. Not everyone feels the same way about them.
 
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