[moneyman72]

I am new here today, and THANK GOODNESS I found this place. Married for 20+ years to a verbally abusive spouse. Over 8 years ago she had EAs at a minimum with 3 coworkers ... I found and still have the emails. When I confronted her then, she said it is just a fantasy that got carried away, cried, and asked how I found out. When I told her, she deleted her mail file from the computer (but I had copies), she found and destroyed the copies ( I had backups -still do) and never was open, transparent or answered questions about it. 6 months later, I caught at another man's home when flying in early from a business trip. I will post more details as asked.

Fast forward ... She is verbally abusive, I have mandated she see a IC ... She did then stopped going. When she use verbal abuse(VA), it brings up those things she did. She will accuse me of cheating and is extremely jealous about my golf, workouts, church duties, civic duties and meetings. I have become so unattracted to her due to the unresolved issue of the EA and the VA that we have an almost sexless marriage. I am so worn out about the unspoken issue. Am I crazy for still feeling hurt, loss, pain, fear and uncertainty because of old EAs? How should I proceed?

Thanks SO much for any responses. Sorry if I posted this improperly.

 

[Saki]

Why are you not already divorced?

 

[moneyman72]

That is a great question Saki. One big thing is we have two adopted kids ... Who I want to continue to provide for. Having said that, is it too late to reopen the EAs for details? They are weighing heavily on me.

 

[TCSRedhead]

Um, you can't recover from the trauma until you've had a chance to ask questions and get completely honest answers.

Otherwise, you've just swept all the problems under the rug so you keep tripping over them, over and over and over again.

So, pull the rug back and start working on the issues.

What is she doing to make this work? Reconciliation starts with HER, not with you. Otherwise, this is going to keep repeating.

Do you have access to all of her email, phone, text records?

 

[Saki]

One big thing is we have two adopted kids ... Who I want to continue to provide for.

You can do that if you are divorced.

Your marriage will become the model for your childern's marriage. Do you want your kids marriage to look like yours??????????? ???????????????????????????????????????????

Think about what is REALLY best for them.

Having said that, is it too late to reopen the EAs for details?

Never too late. Never, ever.

It's also never too late to lay down boundries to prevent it from happening again.

 

[moneyman72]

Not work emails and work phones ... I can view phone records and personal emails that I know about. This is resurfacing since she is now talking to and texting other coworkers ... Many perhaps legitimate, but I got burned before with it ... So my mind goes back to it.

 

[TCSRedhead]

I work in a very sensitive field - gave my access to hubby for email and my work phone so he can feel comfortable that all is open for him.

What is SHE doing to help you with this? Does she answer all your questions about the affair? Does she keep you in the loop about what she's doing?

 

[CH]

In your case never.

BTW are you sure she's stopped cheating? Once caught, serial cheaters get better and better at hiding it. They don't usually make the same mistake twice.

 

[moneyman72]

TCS ... Not sure I mentioned it earlier ... She makes it sound like a fantasy gone a ill too far ... No harm, no foul kind of thing. She is accusing me NOW of someone else since I'm physically withdrawing ... Which is the same thing she did originally. That is what set off my radar in addition to her VA.

 

[TDSC60]

Her EAs were swept under the rug and never dealt with. She denied you the chance to ask questions and hide everything. This trauma never had a chance to heal.

Since you found her at another man's house when you came home early, it is logical to assume that there may have been more to the earlier affairs than just an emotional aspect.

Coupled with the verbal abuse and obvious disrespect for you I would bet on multiple physical affairs.

As your user name suggests - she is just with you for the money.

I would suggest a VAR in her car. Cheaters often talk to the affair partner while alone in a vehicle. That is if you really need more evidence of a cheating, disrespectful, unrepentant, lying spouse.

Why are you still with her again????? Her presence is not required for you to take care of the kids.

 

[Gabriel]

Q: How long should BS take to get over EA/PA?

A: As long as it takes.

 

[TDSC60]

TCSShe is accusing me NOW of someone else since I'm physically withdrawing ... Which is the same thing she did originally. That is what set off my radar in addition to her VA.

Transference. Accusing you of what she is guilty of. Trying to shift the focus from her to you.

A common cheater tactic to continue hiding the affair.

 

[walkonmars]

... Am I crazy for still feeling hurt, loss, pain, fear and uncertainty because of old EAs? How should I proceed?...

Your wife has no respect for you or the marriage. She's probably belittled you to all her boyfriends and continues to do so. If she's not afraid to put you down (probably in front of the kids too) she has no trouble putting you down to others - with a smirk.

No, you're not crazy for feeling the way you do. But you will go crazy putting up with her treatment. Time to gather your courage and in a calm, rational, and measured manner lay down the law. You want a written account of her affair partners from the first one to the most recent. After you get this tell her you will verify it with a polygraph. Once done, you will have a discussion of what you want your marriage to look like - she should participate in this discussion. Make an appt with a qualified MC.

If she balks at any of these - then you have no marriage. Continuing the farce under the present circumstances is unacceptable.

BUT - you have to act with resolve. You can have a good marriage - but it won't happen by magic. You also have to be prepared to live a single life (just like she's doing now). Good luck

 

[moneyman72]

Saki, Tds, CH, Walk, Gabriel, TCSRed --- THANK you ALL. I am going to listen for more responses and anything more you have.

 

[Pollon]

If you wish to prevent your wife from having an affair, focusing on the details of the affairs is of little value compared to understanding WHY there was an affair. "Mandating" that she do individual counseling isn't going to help you understand what went wrong.

"...and is extremely jealous about my golf, workouts, church duties, civic duties and meetings."

I applaud your desire to stay together, but you seem to be laying the breakdown of your marriage entirely on her. It sounds to me like she was starving for attention and you were too busy to attend to it. There is no excuse for going outside the marriage, but if resorting to VA failed to get your attention, what other choice did she have?

Have you offered to go to couples counseling? It would certainly send the message that you will make time for her.

 

[moneyman72]

Pollon ... We have been to MC, and the EA is swept under the rug as the therapist runs me under the bus. Perhaps I have not found a "good therapist", however, she is the one who manipulates the therapist. Many MCs are not adept at VA tactics including the gas lighting, projection and transference. In addition, the VA started after the honeymoon did ... I have been naive to think it will improve. What specialties should a MC have in your opinion or should they be a generalist? Male or female? And what do you recommend when I talk about EAs when they say "let's first cover these checklists?" So, I am familiar with both my wife and the therapists' adeptness at "you may have driven her to it!"

 

[Ovid]

I am new here today, and THANK GOODNESS I found this place. Married for 20+ years to a verbally abusive spouse. Over 8 years ago she had EAs at a minimum with 3 coworkers ... I found and still have the emails. When I confronted her then, she said it is just a fantasy that got carried away, cried, and asked how I found out. When I told her, she deleted her mail file from the computer (but I had copies), she found and destroyed the copies ( I had backups -still do) and never was open, transparent or answered questions about it. 6 months later, I caught at another man's home when flying in early from a business trip. I will post more details as asked.

Fast forward ... She is verbally abusive, I have mandated she see a IC ... She did then stopped going. When she use verbal abuse(VA), it brings up those things she did. She will accuse me of cheating and is extremely jealous about my golf, workouts, church duties, civic duties and meetings. I have become so unattracted to her due to the unresolved issue of the EA and the VA that we have an almost sexless marriage. I am so worn out about the unspoken issue. Am I crazy for still feeling hurt, loss, pain, fear and uncertainty because of old EAs? How should I proceed?

Thanks SO much for any responses. Sorry if I posted this improperly.

It is very common for a cheater to direct attention to their partner by calling them the cheater.

This is usually as a result of their guilt, but can also be a distraction to keep you from paying attention to what they are doing.

The verbal abuse may also be them not having respect for you because they are cheating.

Not allowing you access to things and locking you out/deleting things are all red flags.

 

[Ovid]

You may be dealing with a personality disorder...

 

[moneyman72]

Ovid .... Which ones? I have suspected those, but am not trained to recognize them.

 

[Ostera]

You will never get closure if you don't know what happened. She won't come clean because she would 'embarrass' herself. By not disclosing she 'hiding' her guilt.