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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was searching for answers online and found this forum. I thought that I'd vent a little on here and maybe get a bit of feedback or advice from other couples.

I'm the mother of 4 - married my husband when we were 29. Met online and dated in person for a year before getting married. I ignored the red flags. Got pregnant, got married. Life wasn't so bad. I had two children from another relationship, so we had a blended family challenge.

My husband used to work every day, I took care of our children (our son has autism, our daughter has been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.) There were lots of trips to physical therapy and doctors. But we stuck it out. My husband's always had some issues with depression, but he seemed to be able to function and provide.

After our daughter was born, my husband started calling in sick a lot to the point that they fired him. He wouldn't seek help about his depression. He worked a few odd jobs here and there, but never regularly. We had to get on assistance.

I went to therapy to try to figure out what I could do and let off some of my pressure. People at the hospital were not supportive. They said that I should get a job then. Well, I could see that if my husband was able to be a nurturing father. He spent more time on video games than with the family. He wouldn't feed the kids unless they asked him for food. He didn't remember to give medications. I don't think just because you refuse to work you get to be a stay-at-home Dad. You have to do the work if you want the job.

My husband has been out of work for over 5 years now. He gets up in the morning, makes coffee, and kills zombies while I homeschool our children. I also have a graphic design business that allows me to work from home that I work on between lessons and in the evenings. We had to go on assistance to make it. He's too embarrassed to spend food stamps, but won't work to get off of them. Why should I go to work when I feel I'm doing my part?

Currently, he has taken a substitute janitorial position that maybe gives him two weeks of work a year. He hasn't looked for work in many years. He makes excuses that he has no clothes, but I've bought him an outfit for interviews. He gets paint on them when he helps people paint their homes.

When I've asked him why he won't work he's said that he's given up enough of his life to bastard bosses who don't appreciate him. I've asked him to get involved with the kids schooling, but he says he feels too stupid. I've asked him to do physical education with the kids, but he makes promises he never keeps.

He's gone twice to get medication, but didn't like the way they made him feel, so he quit. I explained that he needed to follow up with the doctor to find the right pill and right dosage. He says, "So it's me who has to change." ummm yeah. He's always negative. We don't laugh. Don't even sit in the same room anymore for very long. It'll be 12 years this summer that we've been married. I haven't been happy for much of it. When I go out to the park or to family events, I've always had to go alone with the kids. He's even stayed home during family get togethers. He said he knows that my parents don't like him. I've told him it's not true. "But think about it. How would you feel if your daughter marries someone someday and doesn't try to take care of her and her kids?" He just nods and says sarcastically that it's all up to him to work. He's said that he's our slave. When he does work, I make sure he had coffee and a hot meal to come home to. It's the least I can do for his hard work to show my appreciation.

Now, his negative attitude is getting worse. For example, I told the kids that we needed to go to their grandparents to feed the cat and give it love. His response, "So the cat gets love. What does it take for me to get love around here?" I try to approach him, but he sighs. This morning I went in to talk to him as he was leaning over his computer on his game, and he turned his back on me completely then turned around looking very irritated that I was still there. I sat down on the bed and asked him what was up. He just shook his head. I asked if he was mad. He got upset that I think I know how he feels. I asked if he was sad. Then he blew up because I asked too many questions. So I left. He got ready, went to the store, got the kids my favorite chocolate for Valentines Day and didn't even give me as much as a hug or kiss.

No, I don't enjoy his company anymore. We don't even seem to be friends. We're co-existing in a house for the sake of our children. When he's gone, I'm a better person. I'm sad about that. I'm not perfect, but I do feel that I'm trying. I'm exhausted from all the eggshell hopping I'm doing.

I grew up with a father who you never knew what would set him off, but he was happy! We laughed! We went out and enjoyed life.

Another thing that bothers me is that my husband thinks it's okay to go to his friends house and stay for 8 - 12 hours. I don't think it's normal for a grown man with a family to not provide for them then go hang out with his friends family and come home at 1 a.m. like some type of bachelor. Yes, I have a problem with it. Wouldn't any woman? If I ask him if how he would feel if I was out with people all night and left him home with the kids, he says "Oh, so is that what you're planning? Revenge?"

There's just no making this work. I don't know how to leave. I have family, but they don't have room for us. He has no family left alive. His friends houses are full of their families. I feel stuck in this unhappy vacuum without any light in sight.
 

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Wow! You definitely need to find some way to get him out of your life. He is pulling you down. Who owns the place where you are living now? It makes much more sense for you to file for divorce, and get him out of the house. Heck, he can just move in with one of his friends.

Since you are already on public assistance, you may also want to speak with your case worker. Surely you and the children would be eligible for housing assistance with him out of the picture.
 

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OP,

You sound as if your are in a bad time / place in your life. Bringing up children (esspesialy those with disabilities) can be hard even when both parents are pulling there weight.

As a married man in his early 40's (if my maths / reading of your post is correct) your husband should be doing a whole lot more to support his family. You say that he has depression he needs to get his backside down to the doctors and start to get it sorted (you can not do this for him he has to want to get better).

You say that you are the only one earning any regular money, you are homeschooling the kids, running the house. At that rate you might as well be a single parent.

Sit your husband down, explain how you feel,
tell him what you want him to do to make things better.
Your message to him should end with words to the effect of.

"Shape up or Ship out"
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
We actually are in a section 8 house. My husband's mom was an apartment manager when he was growing up, so he knows some laws. When I've asked him to leave before, he said that I'd have to have him evicted.

I could live here still. I no longer have a car since mine has died and we haven't had an income enough to get me another. I do have family to depend on though.

This is completely opposite of how I'd seen my life at my age. I had gone to college to become a teacher. After being a single mother for 10 years, I looked forward to having a two parent family. My first child I had in high school and the father left us. The second child I had was from a rape. I decided to keep him and moved near my parents to raise him.

I consider myself a strong person. I've battled social phobia and agoraphobia my entire life. I've had more than my fair amount of challenges, but I'm still trying to move forward. Kids sure give you a lot of strength.

Thank you.
 
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