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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
He 36 - Works long hours - Generally very caring affectionate and supportive. Not always short tempered, but
When something/s overwhelms him or
If there are things that he can't handle or
When situations test his abilities and he fails
he blameshifts and becomes verbally abusive when I'm not really at fault in these circumstances.

Me 32 - SAHM with 2 small kids - A Supportive & affectionate wife. I snap every now and again, but have learnt to apologize properly any time that happens. I am guilty of the typical-wife-nagging or raking up past issues once in a while - but this is generally rare. However, in none of those irate episodes am I verbally abusive. I'll be angry, but I'll stating facts as I feel them to be like 'You don't care about doing xyz' vs stating stuff like 'You've ruined my life etc etc'

Truth is (and I'm not meaning to sound boastful), but I am his life... I can see the love in his eyes even 10 years on... and I'm the only one who's seen his sensitive side (not even his parents/sister) so there is no doubt as to how much he loves me... or how devoted he is...

But, then again he goes off on these verbally abusive episodes now and again... when things are progressing fairly smoothly, it might be months before our house witnesses any form of argument....but if a certain set of things are whelming him, I could be at the receiving end of such rebukes at least once or twice a week...

the last episode was 4-5 days ago and he unfairly blamed me and said very mean things...swearing at me etc...
Despite being at the receiving end, I tried not to make too much of it and attempted comforting him after, but he just didn't want my affection and wanted to be left alone (due to guilt)...
Next day after this, he did not call me and only came forth to apologize that night after he'd returned from work...This is what made me feel hurt - that he took so long to apologize...he prefers going into a shell to deal with guilt...
His actions have hurt me and I've not shown him any affection in the last 4 days...(I've never done this before) I've been very civil and wholeheartedly do all of his chores for him etc but I don't feel like being very huggy-cuddly-smiley around him
he knows why I'm sad... he is very guilty and I can see it... but I feel like he doesn't even know how to apologize properly... *sigh*

How long does it take for you ladies to get over something like this...Am I being unreasonable :( He is very stressed at work now so should I just let it go... I've let many many other incidents from the past go but this time I'm being a bit firm :(
 

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My ex could say the most hurtful things when he was angry and forget about them ten minutes later so never apologised - I never forgot though

I didn't bring them up all the time because I liked to keep the peace - it all came spewing out when we split though because I was damned if he was going to walk away thinking I'd be devastated to lose him

Each time he did it he made me love him a little bit less until it made it relatively easy to get over him
 

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I think you need to decide which is more important... the apology or the timing of the apology.

And, look at your reaction to his apology."...I've not shown him any affection in the last 4 days..." It took him one day to apologize and at least 4 days for YOU to get over it.

If you can't accept the apology, you shouldn't complain about when you get it.
 

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I'll be angry, but I'll stating facts as I feel them to be like 'You don't care about doing xyz' vs stating stuff like 'You've ruined my life etc etc'(
1) Try stating your feelings using I statements. Using the word 'you' is blaming. "I don't care about, I'm hurt, I'm sad because, when you did this I felt...."

2) An apology is empty if the person keeps repeating the behavior they are supposedly sorry for.

So no wonder you can't forgive. He's not 'really' sorry because he's not doing anything to stop it.
 

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Have you thought about marriage counseling? I would imagine this would really benefit the both of you. This seems like something that can be worked out fairly easy? The name calling and belittling needs to stop ASAP with both of you.

My husband and I never had a burst out like this in the 13 years together. We have had disagreements and we work it out issues right away. We are very good at communicating and compromising, but we are both very laid back unless someone is disrespecting us.

My ex h and I always had these outbursts as he is very verbally abusive. I never got over his verbal abuse, but I always stood my ground except once when he held me hostage in my home. That wasn't fun and the verbal abuse was daily. We never saw eye to eye on things, plus he was unfaithful. This marriage did not last. I never forgot the name calling, not even 19 years later. I have to tell you, by him being verbally abusive it was very easy for me to emotionally check out of the marriage and leave. I need to live in peace, which I do now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
I think you need to decide which is more important... the apology or the timing of the apology.

And, look at your reaction to his apology."...I've not shown him any affection in the last 4 days..." It took him one day to apologize and at least 4 days for YOU to get over it.

If you can't accept the apology, you shouldn't complain about when you get it.
Generally I'm quick to forgive Chris... Also, I've grown up in a household where I've never seen my father swearing at my mother... so this is new to me...(though not really in the last 10 years)
about the affection thingy maybe if I elaborated on why, you'd understand the situation better (I didn't elaborate in the OP in case it became too long)

Due to hormonal issues I became LD after my marriage and remained so for 6 years (we realized this only in the last three years)... when I had pregnancy-related hormonal treatments 3 years ago, my cycles were restored and my drive has returned to normal in the last three years... Past few months its probably been higher than his... this he finds difficult to deal with - the Higher Drive wife and a wife that comes with more expectations of intimacy/affection...when the initial couple of times he rejected my advances, I did break down...but after joining TAM I've understood to be more supportive...

over the time, I've not been aggressive, given him space etc etc (and we've enjoyed very good times too)...however he's started having performance issues... and when that happens he gets aggravated and directs it towards me even though I've always been TOTALLY supportive through these incidences of PA... in the past few weeks, I stopped initiating and let him take the lead so he didn't feel pressured...

this last time he called me, I was hesitant to indulge since I knew he was physically tired and that he might not be able to finish...I light-heartedly asked him if his legs/arms weren't hurting (he'd tried ice skating) and he happily said he was up for it...so we both got into it quite involved and yet he couldn't finish...I tried being affectionate and continuing different things but he couldn't and then he blew up that I was the reason for this (possibly the 4th or 5th time he's blowing up at me for his PA in the past 2 months) he said that I should just go 'f***' someone else since I needed it so much...that he dreads coming home to a performance scorecard...that the worst thing he did was get married to me (when in good mood a trademark statement of his - 'The best thing I've achieved in life is to get married to you') etc etc...
I'd clearly told him the previous time he blew up that I only expected some intimacy not 'sex' per se...like some nice time together... so that he wouldn't feel any pressure to perform...but he'd still try PIV, fail sometimes and get angry with me...

similarly when I asked him to put down his laptop and come to spend time with me during the weekends, he'd oblige most times but there were a couple of bad incidents where he blew up that I was being a drama queen...that he'd need to set an alarm every 3 hours to make sure he came to hug me...that he dreaded coming home...that he was not a romantic and that I shouldn't expect much from him etc... of course once he returns to normal, he'd apologize till the next incident...

I'm not really needy-clingy at all...just affectionate...he doesn't text/email me...responds to mine awkwardly (so I stopped)...we don't even talk over phone any time during the day (we used to)...he leaves before I'm up and only returns at 8:30 pm...even then he's at his laptop/TV while having dinner...so 10:30-11 is the only time we'd really get to spend... apart from weekends of course... so are my urges for affection wrong...

Hence after this incident I haven't felt like being affectionate with him since I've been feeling he's not valuing my affection unless he's in the state of mind to want it...felt he's shot me down many many times lately... its been 5 days and I'm not even missing sex...
 

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My first thoughts on reading this second post is that he's checking out of the relationship for some reason. It sounds as if he feels very pressured - and not just sexually. He's putting some of that on himself, most likely, but you might help him go easier on himself by showing him appreciation for the things he *does* do that he may not think you notice... like working to bring home a paycheck, or mowing the lawn, or replacing that light bulb.

As far as what to do when he has a verbal outburst - I'd recommend putting a stop to it by simply stating that you will not entertain blame in your home. Don't dish it, don't take it, and walk away temporarily if it appears to be coming to your door. If his outbursts cannot affect you and you make it clear that it's HIS responsibility to deal with his desire to blame, it can go a long way toward stopping that behavior.

Your 4-days of non-affection is just as abusive, by the way. "You've hurt me so I'll just withdraw my love from you" is no more loving than his blamefulness is. Just don't do it.
 

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I think Kathy is right. Certainly something going on. He doesn't spend time with you, can't perform, etc...

I also agree, still, that withholding affection for 4 days is wrong. It sends a message that affection can be used as a weapon so he won't allow affection to get near him because it will be taken away as punishment.
 

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There is a difference between witholding affection and not feeling affectionate. My sense is this is that latter.

My sense is he's feeling a great deal or stress for some reason and not handling it well. Can't say if the ED is causing the stress or caused by it. Either way it doesn't give him the right to be abusive. When he starts getting abusive call him on it right away. Don't let him get away with it. You're not his emotional punching bag.

Let him know although he may apologize for his comments after the fact that doesn't automatically undo the hurt you felt. Bottom line is he should never say anything you don't mean. He needs to understand this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
Thanks so much guys... I've received some very wonderful and thoughtful messages from all of you...and mostly all of you have hit it spot on with stress being the main factor here...
Charlieparker, he does take care of me before the deed - in fact thats how he gets aroused... watching me being aroused...he's not a selfish lover at all...

And you are all all right that he is not withholding affection, rather feeling unaffectionate... he can be very affectionate when not stressed... but the problem is that his work stresses can be on and off for months... and coupled with my current HD not a good mix I guess...

So, I see most of you unanimously feel that my withholding affection is not the way to deal with it...however I've seen a lot of advice on this board for husbands whose wives are no longer intimate to withhold affection (while continuing to be civil) so I'm a bit confused here...also what would the consequences be for his angry episodes then.. I mean he's always apologetic and remorseful afterwards...so this is the first time I'm trying a different path which I feel is delicate enough yet firm... please enlighten me what else to do if not this :scratchhead:

Anyway, my purpose was never to be vindictive...I'm not being mean...or giving him the silent treatment...or pushing him away if he comes to me....
I only told him very kindly the other day that 'I feel that you are repeatedly doing this since you're never really facing consequences for your actions...after such an episode, you apologize and then following a couple of hours of silence we make up....but this time when you apologize I want you to mean it and I want to see you take positive steps to control your anger so that it doesn't happen again...
also, I feel you are disregarding the fact that you have an affectionate wife...I see many men yearning for that and when you disregard my affection and belittle me for wanting intimacy(during the angry episodes) it's made me want to be affectionate less and less...since this has been going on for the past few months it's also making me want sex less and less...I'm don't mean to punish you here at all...but I only want you to FEEL affectionate and see if you are missing it when it doesn't come from my end...even during these stressful times...both for your sakes and my sakes...'


Having said that I'm just doing my thing at home...being normal around the children...discussing the day with him and doing all his chores etc....just not being huggy-cuddly or intimating about sex....but I don't turn him away when he comes to me...actually, its probably the first time I think I'm dealing with an emotional episode rationally and that's made him think too...my intention was never to make him 'think twice' before turning me down or anything like that...it was to make him realize that me being affectionate and us being affectionate during 'stressful times' is not a bad thing at all and a stress-buster instead...

He has said some pretty sincere words since yesterday and sent me an email today (which he hasn't in a few months) which brought a smile to my face...and I must admit that it felt nice to see the love I was yearning to see and get the attention/affection I wanted...I hope such episodes never happen again...
If you feel this is not the right approach then how else should I deal with a guy who's otherwise very sincere but very short tempered/verbal/blameshifts/ when stressed ...

But I still need to get over this performance anxiety mental block now...I'm as scared about it as he is since he doesn't seem to be dealing with it very well...(though I've never shown him that)
 

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a guy who's otherwise very sincere but very short tempered/verbal/blameshifts/ when stressed ...
Short tempered in general or just in conjunction with sex/intimacy/performance anxiety?

MaritimeGuy mentioned ED, but didn't I see you mention it, that's not an issue, right?

But I still need to get over this performance anxiety mental block now (you mean his mental block, right?)...I'm as scared about it as he is since he doesn't seem to be dealing with it very well...(though I've never shown him that) Sorry, you likely have.
Does he ever say the PA is not a problem or no big deal? Or, does he understand it is problem? Or, does he just gets angry?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Short tempered in general or just in conjunction with sex/intimacy/performance anxiety?

MaritimeGuy mentioned ED, but didn't I see you mention it, that's not an issue, right?

Does he ever say the PA is not a problem or no big deal? Or, does he understand it is problem? Or, does he just gets angry?
He is short tempered in general... performance is not the only thing for which he reacts this way... however I should elaborate once again that such blow ups have reduced when compared to the initial years...but the frequencies are more during stressful times...when things are good there could be months with no blow-ups...

even in between this recent stressful phase, we've had very good times... where he's very forthcoming, thoughtful, affectionate (tends to be more during the weekends though lol) so by no means is he like this always...he's very good otherwise (and in many ways I'm spoilt by him) but when he does go through this verbal abuse its like it negates all his goodness...I've always forgiven him because I remind myself of all the other goodness in him and remind myself of the grievances he could be having from my end...but this time I just thought it was a bit too much for me to take (since its happened at least 4-5 times in the last 2 months)

as for your last statement - its a mixture of all three, he knows PA is due to his head being all over the place, yet he gets angry he can't overcome it and angry with me for wanting it... a few seconds after he instantly knows...and he doesn't react like this everytime he has PA either... but he's quite disappointed...no amount of building up helps...

Btw, he does not have ED... during weekends and during stress-free periods we don't have this problem... :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
yes yes....performance anxiety...not the physical affair PA...
he does have performance anxiety (which is more sporadic like during times of stress)...but not ED....(which is more constant)
 

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Zing, is there a way that you can let him de-stress during the week?

My husband, for example, would be a bear if he didn't get to sit down and relax for at least 15 or 20 minutes after he gets home. He needs that time to shift his mindset from a work mode to a family mode.

So when he gets home, I hug and kiss him, ask him how his day went, then go sit with him while he tells me. Then I get up and start dinner or go get on the computer for a few and by the time I come back to him, he's receptive and relaxed most of the time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Oh Kathy I did have another thread about that not so long ago... about how he needs his time to de-stress... he does that everyday with the TV, the laptop and a few general conversations with me... I know it's better not to approach/worry him when he's just had a bad day at work... :)

this incident (and a few others) have happened when he's had ample time to de-stress...
 

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Zing, it's so nice to see you working through these issues.

I've seen some pretty wicked D's / separations because of just these issues here. Not just here either, but on other forums as well.

It's sad when you're suprised to see a thread like yours, one who's working on things so hard instead of giving up. As opposed to seeing the common "Well he's always grouchy when he's had a bad day at work. These sex issues are annoying and I'm just not happy. I don't wnna work on it, I want out" etc.

I commend you for working so hard on your relationship and family.

Thank you for showing there are some people out there that doesn't give up so easily.
 

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I also think these things can be worked on, so props for putting in the work. Of course it won't all be on you but it needs to start somewhere.

There's already good things offered to you in these posts. Sorry if this has been mentioned already or if I overlooked it, but I just wanted to ask how you deal with his swearing and such in the moment? Does there need to be a calm, effective communication from you that you want to work on things with him but you won't be spoken to that way? Then maybe when he's calm you both agree on some boundaries?

Early on hubs and I both agreed we'd never swear at each other and not say mean things to hurt one another. That sounds kind of square seeing it in type but by setting that expectation, we both knew the boundary. I grew up hearing my mother slamming a door when she was upset with my dad. When hubs and I first moved out together, we had an argument and I stormed off to the bedroom and slammed the door. He came in a short time later and said that wasn't the way to be with him, he felt it was disrespectful and he wouldn't be cool with that. His request was reasonable lol and that was the last time I slammed a door. That's not to say we haven't had our stuff to work on, yep we have, just like most here, but those boundaries have been something that has remained consistent with us. Neither of us would be okay with being sworn at.

My brother and his wife will get heated, swear at one another, then they get over it. It's an explosion and then calm. That's how they are and it works for them. If the swearing and such is bothering you, deal with that.
 
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