Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I suppose I meant that rhetorically, since no one out there is going to really know how long marriage counseling might take to help our situation... if indeed it will at all. But I sure want to give it a try.

A few of you might remember offering me some advice when I asked about 'the little things you do' to tell your spouse you love and care for them. I was in a state. My wife had told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me. It was due to my prolonged lack of passion, physical, sexual, emotional overtures to her.

Of course I was mad and hurt and thought that was a fine 'thank you very much' for all I'd helped her through for the last decade. But after a couple long bike rides without the ipod I had to agree with a lot of what she was saying. So I sent an e-mail mia culpa, which she received warmly and enthusiastically. She assured me she loved me and I definitely had time to work on our relationship.

For a week there was more cuddling, kissing and sex. Things were going great. Both of us, it turns out, wondered if we even really needed to pursue counseling. To be honest, I knew we did, but I couldn't help but be optimistic. Then the Time Bandits crept back into our lives - Work, The Gym, Commitments - and I literally didn't have the time to keep up my constant hugs, kisses, squeezes in the ten or fifteen minutes we have in the morning and evening. Three days go by where I'm not playing grab ass like a love sick teenager and we're back to square one.

This morning we had an argument. I might have raised my voice and swore at her once before, but I can't remember when. I've been imploring with her not to make this effort a one way street... that if I am going to work on fundamentally changing/improving/fixing my behavior it would do me great to have her continue to do likewise. But she claims she's had it, and it's up to me. I'll have to initiate everything... yada yada yada.

With all the fault and blame I'm willing to accept, I don't think this is right. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't feel right. I hope a marriage counselor can make sense of it and offer some ground rules, for lack of a bette phrase, for attempting to arrive at an equal emotional and physical give and take.

My baby said she wouldn't leave before our daughter is off to college - about a year and a half away. But that is hardly reassuring the way we both feel right now.

DanO

PS; Just had to rant I suppose.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
About a year ago my husband and I went to a marriage counselor...We only went 3 times. The first 2 sessions were basically "getting to know you sessions" and the third was when we actually started delving into our problems. (We stopped going because my husband felt he was being attacked by the counselor, basically the counselor was agreeing more with my point of veiw than with his) But I can imagine it would be a lengthy process as it is only 2 hours a week to convey your entire relationship (both sides) to someone. Although he did give us "tools" and things to try in the meantime with each other, such as keeping written journals of our feelings...and such. I think the counseling would have helped us tremendously.
I may be out of line by saying this, as I don't know your full story, but from your post your wife sounds alot like my husband. As far as they need to be SHOWN how much you love them. I agree it can get tiring and honestly, downright annoying at times. There have been times where my husband has actually counted how many times I kissed him in a day...and then gotten angry over the amount. It's truly not that I don't love him, because I do...but like you said the time bandits creep in, and although our children are younger than yours, on alot of days it just seems there isnt enough time...between baths, and schoolwork, and bottles, and diapers, and groceries and dinner...you get the point. Alot of times, too, it seems that the little things that I do for my husband get overlooked. If I'm not directly praising, hanging on, kissing, ogling him etc. He doesn't notice the things that I do to show him that "yes, even though it's been a hectic day, I do love you."
I know with my husband it's that he is a VERY insecure person. He needs me to validate him, and make it glaringly OBVIOUS that I love him. I'm not sure I've offered much advice here, but I do think that a marriage counselor would do some good, I also think if your wife is up for it maybe individual counseling to address her insecurities and issues with herself that force her to have the need to be SHOWN all of this, instead of just being able to know that you love her and always will regardless of how many times you kissed her that day...y'know?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
124 Posts
Everybody's marriage is different, but getting tired being affectionate with your spouse? I'm afraid I think that's a dangerous thing. I know that I am on the needy side myself, and once I asked my husband if I wanted too much. He said that his arms were always for me and I shouldn't ever feel that I can't have affection whenever I wanted it. Believe me, that was a BIG relief to me, and perhaps I don't initiate cuddling as much as I used to ,just being so relieved at his answer. NEVER get out of the habit of affection, that's my advice.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,621 Posts
Bluedano

I think you need to strap in for a long haul. My story is out here in bits and pieces but in effect, my wife gave me the, I love you but am not in-love with you notice last May. We attended counseling over the summer. Five or six sessions at most before we figured out we had a good idea of what needed to be done. Our marriage on a whole is stronger than it has been for some time now but her feelings of being in love have not returned. We get along great. How many couples, even in the best of marriages, can claim only one argument in 10 months? We can!! And this includes the everyday stresses in a marriage. Money, kids, jobs, in-laws….. Counseling can help and I hope you both work at the marriage. I agree with you it has to be a two way street and she can’t just sit back and wait. That tells me she has disconnected to some extent. You on the other hand need to take your “changes” to heart and accept them as life long commitments. For you to grow as a couple you must find and dedicate time to each other. You must provide her with the affections, support and attention she needs. Can’t find time in the day for a few more hugs and kisses? Come on, get off the clock and into your wife’s needs. Show her you can consistently be the husband she needs and she’ll start to open up and put forward effort also. Don’t be in a hurry to fix this. A sustained and honest effort from you will go a lot further than a flourish of flowers, cards and candy. As you move forward things will become easier for you both. That may be a couple of weeks or a few months. Since she has basically committed for a year and a half, take that time to fix the foundation of the marriage. You’ll have a lot better chance of success. To answer your question in the subject, you can’t put a time frame on this. I’ve always felt it will take as long as it takes. Divorce in my mind is not an option. Read my mantra below and good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks everyone for the straight talk, advice and encouragement. Even though none of you might have the perfect marriage - probably no one does - I have received something positive from all of you. I am looking forward to getting some counseling - both as a couple and individually. I pray we end up with a good one.

DanO
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Good luck with the counseling. It sounds like you're motivated, but remember to do everything the counselor asks you to do. My wife and I visited one for a while, but I had a hard time keeping the commitments. I did it, though.

We have a wonderful marriage, now, but I can honestly say it took about two years before we got to that point for me (she says three).

We wouldn't trade it for anything now. I wish you the best.
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top