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Yes, she has told him that she wants him to help more or get up earlier but she apparently refuses to tell him WHY. There is a big difference there.
I’m sure she has told him. But here is the problem... once she tells him and explains why, he might agree to doing it, but he will treat it like an annoying task that he has to do. So he will do it, but he will be unhappy and miserable while he does it, and that’s not what she wants. She wants him to want to do it.

It’s exactly like men wanting their wives to want more sex. He can explain it to her, and she might agree to it, but many times she treats it like an annoying task and just opens her legs and lays there like a fish. This isn’t what he wants is it?

What we ALL want is a partner who happily does what their partner wants because it makes them happy. But i don’t know if that is truly possible.
 

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I have already talked to him about it. and it seems to be something he does not want to do. He complains when he does get up. Acts super tired. Very disinterested. Lays in the couch and goes back to sleep.
So if he does get up with the kids do you want things done your way or a certain way? Do you complain, criticize or get frustrated when he does things "wrong" (ie, being on the couch, being tired)? Do you tell him what to do and how to do it? None of that is encouraging him to help out more. Let him do it HIS way and don't criticize him for it. You need to be flexible. It's like a wife asking her husband to help clean or load the dishwasher, then being mad when he does it "wrong" or following him around and touching up his work. "Wrong" being different than how she does it. There are multiple ways to do a task.

I’m sure she has told him. But here is the problem... once she tells him and explains why, he might agree to doing it, but he will treat it like an annoying task that he has to do. So he will do it, but he will be unhappy and miserable while he does it, and that’s not what she wants. She wants him to want to do it.

It’s exactly like men wanting their wives to want more sex. He can explain it to her, and she might agree to it, but many times she treats it like an annoying task and just opens her legs and lays there like a fish. This isn’t what he wants is it?

What we ALL want is a partner who happily does what their partner wants because it makes them happy. But i don’t know if that is truly possible.
If a husband helps out then be happy with that. You don't get to ask for help then tell him how to do it and how to feel about it too. He's grumpy about it? Tough ****. Either get over it and let him be grumpy or do it yourself and stop complaining. A person won't magically turn into someone who has a blast cleaning the kitchen floor.

If someone can't be happy with that, well, they know where the door is.

My wife has said the same thing, on how it makes you feel unloved, etc. That may be how you feel or perceive it, but it's not what the man is thinking or intending. You'd know that if you talked about it. It has nothing to do with not loving you or whatever else you conjure up by avoiding communication.
 

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You might be able to make him do this stuff but you’ll never make him want to do it. Could you both compromise? Potentially. But he’s probably still going to be resentful because he isn’t nearly involved in this as you are and he doesn’t want to be. That’s who he is.
 

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I’ve talked to him about it and he’s says why should I wake up, we’re not doing anything? Well, there are things to be done (he doesn’t think it has to be done right then).
Well he's right on that one, they don't have to be done right then. Who will die if something isn't done right when you say it should be?

I disagree with this. She doesn’t want him on HER schedule. The kids dictate the schedule, and kids usually wake up early and they are ready to go. So someone has to step up and wake up with the kids and take care of them. It’s not fair for it to always be one person.
Oh hell no, they most certainly don't (toddlers and infants notwithstanding).

exactly. It’s not my schedule. It’s my kids schedule. I can’t get up and read a book and relax. I have kids and a house to take care of.
But you can, you can get the kids breakfast, pop them in front of the tele for a little while and snooze/read a book on the couch. The jobs can be done later.
 

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Well he's right on that one, they don't have to be done right then. Who will die if something isn't done right when you say it should be?



Oh hell no, they most certainly don't (toddlers and infants notwithstanding).



But you can, you can get the kids breakfast, pop them in front of the tele for a little while and snooze/read a book on the couch. The jobs can be done later.
Her youngest two are 2 and 3.
 

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When the kids were little I was the one to get up with them on the weekend and yes, I did grow resentful of it. Just to add to it he would also take naps on the days he slept in. I would be seething. It wasn’t that I was tired and wished I was sleeping, I resented that he just expected me to hold down the fort while he did.

We have a blended family and the youngest children needing the most care were actually his. When I realized I was starting to resent them about this too, something had to change. But since we had gone round and round about this and he wasn’t going to change, I had to. I literally decided to stop being mad about it. Seriously. Instead of looking at his sleeping as an adversarial attack on me, I looked at me letting him sleep as a loving act towards him.

It took some time for the attitude adjustment to take hold but things were much better. He was much more engaged with me and the kids when he would get up. He started getting more things done at home that were a priority to me. Apparently acting lovingly begets more acts of love. Who knew.

Turns out he is a different person than me and has different sleep needs than me. When I started respecting those needs instead of fighting them he changed. He is more present, giving and much less grumpy. Easter and Christmas morning are non-negotiable - I demand he is up and participating. But I still prioritize his need for additional sleep by working in time for a nap for him into our holiday schedule.
 

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I love mornings so this was a non issue for me/us.

For you I would suggest this:

Friday night:

“I’m tired after this busy week. I’m going to sleep in tomorrow morning, so you’ve got the kids. I’ll get up with them on Sunday. So listen out for them in the morning, or set an alarm if you need too. If I hear them first, I will wake you up, but then I’m going back to sleep.”

Next week, you do Saturday, but that evening, warn him the same as above for Sunday morning.

Maybe after a few weekends with a taste of what you go through every time, he will be more keen to tackle it togheter as a compromise.
 

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Him just being up is support to me. If he were up, he could help break up a fight between the toddlers so I could continue folding laundry instead of having to stop. Or could help get breakfast cleaned up. I don’t mind doing it, because that’s just who I am, but I wish I had a partner who wanted to do these things with me.
I want him to want to.
I know some of the advice here has been to tell him how I feel or to make him. That’s not my thing. I don’t want him up if he’s going to be unhappy. But it’s irritating.
Chiming in because this is not a man/woman thing- my husband is a morning person and I am a night owl and we have a kid who can go either way...lol.

I do think it is weird to not wake up on holidays, first off. It's one or two mornings out of the year, grab a coffee and watch the kids going nuts is pretty hilarious. I would say that is a reasonable expectation of parenthood.

However, this is where you might have to either want to change your midset or your expectations to fit the person you married vs. getting resentful that your husband who, I presume has never been a morning person is still not a morning person even with kids and a house etc.

I think it's reasonable to agree that things need to get done around the house. It's also fair to divide the chores as you see fit as a couple/family. However, with different body clocks I think a compromise can be found on when things need to be done or how they need to be done.

What is the higher priority to you (no wrong answer.) Is it the chores or the companionship? If it's the chores, great! Accept that you are a morning person who likes to get chores out of the way first and do what is mutually agreed upon as "your duty." If you like to get laundry folded before the day begins, great! If breakfast dishes are your husbands responsibility, get comfortable with leaving them until he's awake.

If it's companionship, great! Wake up, have some morning sex and make a two cups of coffee for cuddles on the couch while the kids eat cereal on the ground and watch Thundercats. While I may not be the most energetic at this time (there is no way I'm doing laundry when I wake up lol) I understand that my husband really just wants his wife to be with him when he wakes up and that I can do.

This goes for me as a night owl as well. I know that we cannot stay up to watch a movie past 9:30PM, we watch movies in the afternoon or during dinner. I clean and organize with my headphones on after they have gone to bed. My husband will leave laundry in a basket until the afternoon when we can both tackle it together if he wants to go do activities in the morning. I am just saying that there are alternate ways to get what you need.

I think if you can relieve the pressure of a double edged sword (be awake in the morning AND want to be awake) it will be easier to find a solution.
 

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You might be able to make him do this stuff but you’ll never make him want to do it. Could you both compromise? Potentially. But he’s probably still going to be resentful because he isn’t nearly involved in this as you are and he doesn’t want to be. That’s who he is.
Too damned bad if Mr. Wonderful is resentful!!

This is one of my pet peeves - lazy ass entitled men who are more than happy for their wives to help support the family financially yet suddenly want to pretend to be 'traditional' when it comes to the domestic chores.

Here's the facts - if you BOTH work outside the home, then you're BOTH equally responsible for the domestic chores and child-rearing! Why the hell is it always some kind of negotiation for men, or we're all supposed to "let him do it the way he wants" and then throw his sorry ass a ticker tape parade if he DOES do it? What a load of ********.

OP, I'd be letting Mr. Lazy Ass know the rules are about to change. If he doesn't like it, that's just too damned bad.
 

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If a husband helps out then be happy with that. You don't get to ask for help then tell him how to do it and how to feel about it too. He's grumpy about it? Tough ****. Either get over it and let him be grumpy or do it yourself and stop complaining.
And THIS attitude is exactly what I mean.

She's the damned work mule while Mr. Lazy sleeps, but she should be "happy" if he drags his dead ass out of bed and half asses one of the many chores she's always stuck doing? And it's not him "helping out" if they BOTH work. He'd be doing his share.

A person won't magically turn into someone who has a blast cleaning the kitchen floor.
But women have been doing it - and have been EXPECTED to do it - since the dawn of time, even when they work full time outside the home. Funny how no one gives a crap about how a woman feels about having to do everything - unless it's a man doing it. THEN we have to empathize with the poor soul and make sure to accept whatever **** job he does and give him a cookie and a pat on the head when he's done.
 
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And THIS attitude is exactly what I mean.

She's the damned work mule while Mr. Lazy sleeps, but she should be "happy" if he drags his dead ass out of bed and half asses one of the many chores she's always stuck doing? And it's not him "helping out" if they BOTH work. He'd be doing his share.
If you want something done a certain way and won't tolerate anything less, then do it yourself. Simple as that. Why can't men be allowed to do it their way? Why should women be allowed to dictate how everything inside the house needs to be done? Why is the women's way the only right way? All this "Well, he cleaned the kitchen but he didn't do it to MY standards" crap is ********. There is a dish left in the sink?! The horror!! Then you wonder why men don't want to do ****? If you are that picky then DO IT YOURSELF or learn to loosen the hell up.

Who gives a **** if the husband is grumpy? LET HIM BE GRUMPY. It won't ****ing kill anyone and he's a big boy, he can be grumpy. Tough ****. He'll get over it.

But women have been doing it - and have been EXPECTED to do it - since the dawn of time, even when they work full time outside the home. Funny how no one gives a crap about how a woman feels about having to do everything - unless it's a man doing it. THEN we have to empathize with the poor soul and make sure to accept whatever **** job he does and give him a cookie and a pat on the head when he's done.
Are women expected to have a ****ing blast doing it?? I don't ****ing think so. Men and women complain differently. All you women who are doing chores but seething, building resentment, refusing to communicate properly because "it's not your thing", silently loathing your husband, and expecting him to be a ****ing mind reader, how is THAT any different? You're not happy about it either. So women can be unhappy but men can't? And if you DO enjoy cleaning, then shut the hell up and just do it yourself. Stop looking for something, anything, to complain about. And if you don't enjoy cleaning, then why the hell are you *****ing that the husband doesn't like it either? If a woman wants a man who loves to clean, then she should have married one of them. She knows where the door is. Those men are out there, JUST like there are plenty of women out there who sit on their rear and do nothing all day. Oh, but the poor thing is just depressed and needs coddling. But if it's a man he's a lazy POS.

If you sit down with a MC and talk about chores, they will want to make lists. What you enjoy doing, what you hate doing, what you can tolerate doing, what you can be flexible about and what you cannot be flexible about. You don't get everything you want! Sometimes it will be "Well, I hate doing this chore but I hate the way he/SHE does it more so I'll do it" or "Well, I don't like the way he/SHE does it but I hate doing it more, so I can let go of my controlling ******** and accept that he is his own person and has his own way of doing things".
 

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We all have to do things we don’t want to do. You don’t have to love doing it, but you can’t be a grump and complain because no one wants to be around that every day.
 

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How late doesn't bother me as long as the kids should have a normal sleeping schedule. I'd better adapt to their one than sitting right now and calculating how late I'm going to bed. After having several sleepless nights, I started being not really verbose. Every activity was so cumbersome for me. I ended up surfing the Internet for an explanation. The cite where I found relevant information was Amanda's blog about interpreting dreams. I was seeking for what does it mean to see snakes in your dream and obtained a lot of comprehensive explanations and even was pleased to have a session with Amanda herself. She is a proficient medium and absolutely a determined person.
 

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Those were the days. Kids who wake you up. Making breakfast while DW catches a bit of extra sleep. And of course my favorite DW mowing the lawn at 6 AM after the neighbors partied until 3. I miss those days.
 

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JW - as I cook breakfast and tend to our three young children, what do your mornings look like for those with young kids? Do you sleep in? Does your spouse? Do you take turns? Are you both up?
I don’t really need to sleep in. I go to bed at a decent time and just can’t sleep in. I feel I have too much to do. So switching days or giving me time to sleep isn’t the answer. But I’m annoyed right now bc DH is still sleeping. As I said, I’m cooking, cleaning, breaking up fights between the kids.
He does this every weekend. We both work full time. I do most of the house work and tending to the children. He does most of the yard work.
I’ve talked to him about it and he’s says why should I wake up, we’re not doing anything? Well, there are things to be done (he doesn’t think it has to be done right then).
And I’d also like someone to talk to as I cook breakfast, watch tv, and just partner the kids together. But maybe I’m having unrealistic expectations so I’m JW what your mornings look like.
Give them a shot of benedryl.
 
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