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Discussion Starter #21
I'm not a morning person. My husband and my son are early birds.

I taught my son at a very early age how to help himself to food and drinks. I used to fill his cup with OJ and leave it ready in the fridge so he could get it in the morning. He used to love bread so I used to pack some bread in a little Ziploc bag for his early morning snack. I also used to leave a TV show ready for him to watch.

Even though I'm not a morning person, I have to wake up to send my kids to school every day.

I've never missed Christmas morning or Easter because I'm not a morning person though. I love seeing their faces opening presents. Now that they are older they know they have to wait for mom and dad to open presents.

I sleep in during weekends and holidays. My kids now how to help themselves if they are hungry.

How old are your kids?
our oldest can get up and get himself breakfast, but the younger two are 2 & 3 years old.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
Have you asked him, and not in an accusatory tone, why he doesn't get up early with the kids? Why he doesn't like this watch the kids open their gifts or baskets? (Honestly, it's boring)

You need to get a real answer from him, and there is a real answer. When you talk about it, you need to be calm and curious. You cannot start a fight or try to change his mind. If you do that you are teaching him not to be open with you. The first step is to just listen, accept the way he feels, and discuss it later when you can do it calmly.

My wife wants things done in a particular way and if I didn't do it her way she'd get a little *****y or say I wasn't doing it right. So why bother? My version of getting up with the kids is feeding them cereal and turning on the TV. Done. She has a very different routine and wants things done her way. So she can do them. She's not a control freak but it was enough that it wasn't encouraging for me to do things.

She does it better and I perceive it as being easier for her.

I need time to wake up, she doesn't (at least that's how it looked to me).

I stay up really late (2-4AM) and my wife typically does not. Even if she does that doesn't change things. I used to stay up that late for work, now it's for leisure.

I like sleep.

I'm a selfish person.

A boatload of resentment didn't help. My firstborn, I was too young and immature. My second, wasn't biologically mine and I wanted nothing to do with her. My third, had a lot of health challenges and was on monitors, oxygen and a feeding tube. My wife is a nurse so that was her job. Old habits die hard.

Growing up, my mom did absolutely everything for us kids and my dad did nothing. Monkey see, monkey do.

I have reasons for what I do, you have reasons for the things you do, and your husband has reasons to. Knowing them might make it easier to work with, fix, or deal with.
I mean, it makes sense. His dad did nothing growing up. His mom did everything. In my house, my mom left us. My dad did everything. So I think you can see why I think dads should be involved. And maybe why he sees dads are laid back and moms do everything. But idk if I can just rest with this. I want him to be involved.
 

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I mean, it makes sense. His dad did nothing growing up. His mom did everything. In my house, my mom left us. My dad did everything. So I think you can see why I think dads should be involved. And maybe why he sees dads are laid back and moms do everything. But idk if I can just rest with this. I want him to be involved.
Does your husband know that? Have you had real, open, emotional conversations about why you need him to be more involved? Not just telling him to do it or saying you "just need it", but really getting into the reasons why, what it means to you, why it hurts, and what it's doing to your marriage?

If your communication is lacking, on either side, I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor. They can help get this issue out in the air and communicated properly. They can help both of you understand the other side and resolve it if you are both willing. He might not like that idea at first but stay firm on it. If it's presented like an option of course he won't take it. It being that serious should be a wake up call for your husband.
 

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So if both work full time, kind of equal.

Now, responsibilities are evenly shared in a M, but shared doesn't mean everyone does the same things to meet the family's needs, there's equal but different strengths and preferences.

Truly, not to be a hard butt, however if a person never wanted to get up any at all with kids in a good spirit / good mood they shouldn't have had kids.

Not to say it's always pleasant and not a chore sometimes but one has to decide either do or do not. There is no try.

Fighting over who gets to sleep late until 9 or so is ridiculous. If one wants to sleep more, go back to sleep, trade off perhaps but if you want to sleep more than 8 hrs then that's ok now and then.

But if one wants to lounge in a bed all day that's a ridiculous expectation with a family.

Planned days ok, but as a rule, not.

You'll have more time later in life to lounge or be productive. It is a choice, granted.

It will work out. Be realistic.
 

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I am sorry, but what's wrong with sleeping in on weekends?

Not everybody is early bird. I do not want to get up to eat breakfast, I'd rather catch up on my sleep and get my energy back. I can have lunch together. You want him to be on your schedule. You both need to compromise - you let him sleep in some, since by your own words, you don't have to. Him - agreeing to some decent time when he gets up.
Why don't you just enjoy the morning time by yourself? Relax, read the book, stay in pijama.
 
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our oldest can get up and get himself breakfast, but the younger two are 2 & 3 years old.
My kids are 26 months apart.

I was sleep deprived when my second child was an infant. I think that's when I taught my son to get his snack before I got up.

I had to figure something out because I was exhausted and my husband wasn't home in the mornings.

You can pack sandwich bags of morning snacks, for example dry cereal, cheese and crackers, lunch meat, hard boiled eggs, fruit. You can ask them the night before what they would like to have before mom wakes up and leave the bags within their reach. pour juice or milk in their cups or sippy cups. Ask your older child to help them getting their snack and also ask him/her to break up their fights. Offer your child a reward or about $5.00 for helping out.

My kids are 9 and 11 now and they know mom is not a morning person. My daughter is not a morning person either. During weekends they help themselves to whatever breakfast food they can manage to fix if I'm not awake.

You can also ask your husband to help out every other weekend. My husband was up with my son during his days off. I didn't have a problem with this.

Good luck to you!!
 

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I am sorry, but what's wrong with sleeping in on weekends?

Not everybody is early bird. I do not want to get up to eat breakfast, I'd rather catch up on my sleep and get my energy back. I can have lunch together. You want him to be on your schedule. You both need to compromise - you let him sleep in some, since by your own words, you don't have to. Him - agreeing to some decent time when he gets up.
Why don't you just enjoy the morning time by yourself? Relax, read the book, stay in pijama.
I disagree with this. She doesn’t want him on HER schedule. The kids dictate the schedule, and kids usually wake up early and they are ready to go. So someone has to step up and wake up with the kids and take care of them. It’s not fair for it to always be one person.
 

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Discussion Starter #28
I am sorry, but what's wrong with sleeping in on weekends?

Not everybody is early bird. I do not want to get up to eat breakfast, I'd rather catch up on my sleep and get my energy back. I can have lunch together. You want him to be on your schedule. You both need to compromise - you let him sleep in some, since by your own words, you don't have to. Him - agreeing to some decent time when he gets up.
Why don't you just enjoy the morning time by yourself? Relax, read the book, stay in pijama.
exactly. It’s not my schedule. It’s my kids schedule. I can’t get up and read a book and relax. I have kids and a house to take care of.
 

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I disagree with this. She doesn’t want him on HER schedule. The kids dictate the schedule, and kids usually wake up early and they are ready to go. So someone has to step up and wake up with the kids and take care of them. It’s not fair for it to always be one person.
I agree with your point, but that's not what she said. She said she does not need to sleep and does not see a point in sleeping longer. That's a different issue. She said she would like to eat breakfast together and watch tv...
 

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exactly. It’s not my schedule. It’s my kids schedule. I can’t get up and read a book and relax. I have kids and a house to take care of.
Your original post was that you do not need to sleep in and could not understand why he does. That you would like to eat breakfast together and watch tv together.

This is different issue. In that case we are talking about division of responsiblities in the house that you are not happy about, not about sleeping. This would be a different converstaion to have iwth your husband. If you just complain that he sleeps too long, he will say why not? But if your conversation is that you wish you had more help and support on weekend morning with him, he could not use that answer.
 
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Discussion Starter #31
Your original post was that you do not need to sleep in and could not understand why he does. That you would like to eat breakfast together and watch tv together.

This is different issue. In that case we are talking about division of responsiblities in the house that you are not happy about, not about sleeping. This would be a different converstaion to have iwth your husband. If you just complain that he sleeps too long, he will say why not? But if your conversation is that you wish you had more help and support on weekend morning with him, he could not use that answer.
Him just being up is support to me. If he were up, he could help break up a fight between the toddlers so I could continue folding laundry instead of having to stop. Or could help get breakfast cleaned up. I don’t mind doing it, because that’s just who I am, but I wish I had a partner who wanted to do these things with me.
I want him to want to.
I know some of the advice here has been to tell him how I feel or to make him. That’s not my thing. I don’t want him up if he’s going to be unhappy. But it’s irritating.
 

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I want him to want to.
I know some of the advice here has been to tell him how I feel or to make him. That’s not my thing. I don’t want him up if he’s going to be unhappy. But it’s irritating.
If it is not your thing, than make it your thing.

Communication is a key in relationship. it would be great if it crossed his mind that you are all alone with two small kids while he is sleeping soundly. But because it did not, need to have that conversation, or you will become passive-aggressive wife. You are testing him and he is not even aware of it. Period when kids are small is the most testing in the marriage, that's when all the division of labor becomes tricky, and everybody is tired all the time , adn if you do not deal with it now, you will check out emotionallyf from this marriage, and he will have to idea why.
 

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Discussion Starter #33
If it is not your thing, than make it your thing.

Communication is a key in relationship. it would be great if it crossed his mind that you are all alone with two small kids while he is sleeping soundly. But because it did not, need to have that conversation, or you will become passive-aggressive wife. You are testing him and he is not even aware of it. Period when kids are small is the most testing in the marriage, that's when all the division of labor becomes tricky, and everybody is tired all the time , adn if you do not deal with it now, you will check out emotionallyf from this marriage, and he will have to idea why.
I understand what you are saying.

but this is where I get confused. How in the world does that not cross someone’s mind? I find that so selfish!
 

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I know some of the advice here has been to tell him how I feel or to make him. That’s not my thing. I don’t want him up if he’s going to be unhappy. But it’s irritating.
I understand what you are saying.

but this is where I get confused. How in the world does that not cross someone’s mind? I find that so selfish!
How is your husband supposed to know how you feel if you don't tell him? He's not a mind reader! If you want to have a good marriage and fix these issues you have to learn how to communicate. Everyone needs proper communication, it shouldn't be "not your thing". In that case, a good marriage isn't your thing either.

Something you have to understand is that not everyone thinks the same and has the same ideas, not even your spouse. You are partners, not clones. Your husband is his own person with his own thoughts, opinions and desires. You have to learn to work together, not expect him to do and think exactly as you do.

Telling your husband how you feel isn't forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do. It's giving him all the information so he can make his own choice. Why would he change right now when, as far as he knows, the current arrangement is working?

Plus, men can be kind of stupid and oblivious. Talk to him.

Maybe he should be able to figure it out on his own, but clearly he hasn't. So, what's the better option?

A) Talking to your husband, or

B) Sitting silent, letting resentment build up and having nothing change?

One leads to a better, happier marriage. The other leads to being miserable and/or divorce.
 

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How is your husband supposed to know how you feel if you don't tell him? He's not a mind reader! If you want to have a good marriage and fix these issues you have to learn how to communicate. Everyone needs proper communication, it shouldn't be "not your thing". In that case, a good marriage isn't your thing either.

Something you have to understand is that not everyone thinks the same and has the same ideas, not even your spouse. You are partners, not clones. Your husband is his own person with his own thoughts, opinions and desires. You have to learn to work together, not expect him to do and think exactly as you do.

Telling your husband how you feel isn't forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do. It's giving him all the information so he can make his own choice. Why would he change right now when, as far as he knows, the current arrangement is working?

Plus, men can be kind of stupid and oblivious. Talk to him.
She did tell him. Just like your wife told you.
It’s tough from “our” point of view because when you tell them and ask, and they don’t do it it kind of hurts ”our” feelings. Makes us feel like you don’t love us, or we’re not worth it. Plus we don’t want to be a nag. I’m sure your wife stopped bc she knew you weren’t going to change. And also, we don’t want to be a nag, we don’t want to feel like a nag. We don’t want to treat us husbands like kids and tell them what to do over and over.
I totally get the OP frustrating point of view. She wants him to want to. But she did tell him. But it’s not fun being the unhappy nag in the relationship, so I’m sure she dropped it.


This is why there are so many run away wives.
 

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She did tell him. Just like your wife told you.
It’s tough from “our” point of view because when you tell them and ask, and they don’t do it it kind of hurts ”our” feelings. Makes us feel like you don’t love us, or we’re not worth it. Plus we don’t want to be a nag. I’m sure your wife stopped bc she knew you weren’t going to change. And also, we don’t want to be a nag, we don’t want to feel like a nag. We don’t want to treat us husbands like kids and tell them what to do over and over.
I totally get the OP frustrating point of view. She wants him to want to. But she did tell him. But it’s not fun being the unhappy nag in the relationship, so I’m sure she dropped it.

This is why there are so many run away wives.
Yes, she has told him that she wants him to help more or get up earlier but she apparently refuses to tell him WHY. There is a big difference there.
 

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Discussion Starter #37
How is your husband supposed to know how you feel if you don't tell him? He's not a mind reader! If you want to have a good marriage and fix these issues you have to learn how to communicate. Everyone needs proper communication, it shouldn't be "not your thing". In that case, a good marriage isn't your thing either.

Something you have to understand is that not everyone thinks the same and has the same ideas, not even your spouse. You are partners, not clones. Your husband is his own person with his own thoughts, opinions and desires. You have to learn to work together, not expect him to do and think exactly as you do.

Telling your husband how you feel isn't forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do. It's giving him all the information so he can make his own choice. Why would he change right now when, as far as he knows, the current arrangement is working?

Plus, men can be kind of stupid and oblivious. Talk to him.

Maybe he should be able to figure it out on his own, but clearly he hasn't. So, what's the better option?

A) Talking to your husband, or

B) Sitting silent, letting resentment build up and having nothing change?

One leads to a better, happier marriage. The other leads to being miserable and/or divorce.
I have already talked to him about it. and it seems to be something he does not want to do. He complains when he does get up. Acts super tired. Very disinterested. Lays in the couch and goes back to sleep.
 

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Discussion Starter #38
She did tell him. Just like your wife told you.
It’s tough from “our” point of view because when you tell them and ask, and they don’t do it it kind of hurts ”our” feelings. Makes us feel like you don’t love us, or we’re not worth it. Plus we don’t want to be a nag. I’m sure your wife stopped bc she knew you weren’t going to change. And also, we don’t want to be a nag, we don’t want to feel like a nag. We don’t want to treat us husbands like kids and tell them what to do over and over.
I totally get the OP frustrating point of view. She wants him to want to. But she did tell him. But it’s not fun being the unhappy nag in the relationship, so I’m sure she dropped it.


This is why there are so many run away wives.
Exactly! Thank you!

he probably thinks I am either a nag, too uptight, or have given up (when I don’t say anything).
Therefor, I view him as lazy and selfish and I have lost some respect for him. Which makes our marriage suffer. I’m not as emotionally into the marriage as I used to be.
 

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Exactly! Thank you!

he probably thinks I am either a nag, too uptight, or have given up (when I don’t say anything).
Therefor, I view him as lazy and selfish and I have lost some respect for him. Which makes our marriage suffer. I’m not as emotionally into the marriage as I used to be.
Girl I get it I was right there with you. I use to tell my ex husband that I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want to be the nag and grump, and stressed out all the time but the truth is I needed help. How many times do I have to ask before you realize it’s something important to me. I stopped asking when I accepted defeat and my feelings changed also.

I see this thing happening all the time. And I don’t know any other way to get it through to them that it’s serious, not something dumb. Men don’t realize that when we’re annoying and nag and stuff it’s because we care. Once we stop, that’s a really bad sign.
 

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And good luck because I will never know how to get a guy to realize something is important to him without banging it over their heads. And as you know... we don’t want to do that, or feel we should do that, and we don’t want to turn into that kind of partner.
 
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