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Discussion Starter #1
How important is it for you to see what the OM or OW looks like?

My H cheated on me with a coworker and I have this need to see what she looks like. She doesn't work there any longer, left before I found out about there ONS at a works night out. Am I weird?

What do others think about this?
 

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How important is it for you to see what the OM or OW looks like?

My H cheated on me with a coworker and I have this need to see what she looks like. She doesn't work there any longer, left before I found out about there ONS at a works night out. Am I weird?

What do others think about this?
Not in all cases, but most guys cheat with less appealing women. Why? Because married women who cheat usually cheat with good looking married/single men who are well taken care of and they fall in love with those men. All the while the men involved who are married have a more beautiful wife at home and are only in it for sex and they would never leave their amazing wife for OW.

That's just one side of it.

Would you want to see her? I'd say its best not too and ask your husband to change departments or get a new job since this is a co worker if you want anything near reconciliation to be possible.

P.S. Please keep a doubt that it was a ONS, and only a ONS. trickle truth...
 

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It does concern me that it wasn't just a ONS, but how can i prove or disprove that? I have made contact with OW for that very reason, to clarify some things that don't add up, but she isn't interested, tried telling me it was a stupid mistake and she'd never cheated on her H before. That i shouldn't cause trouble over something as stupid as a 'kiss' it was way more than a kiss from what my H has confessed.

Said they didn't go all the way, and that she'd never do that to her H, even though she was lying in a bed with my H.

She tells me in email that she has now told her H, which i doubt. She has ceased to reply to my emails, so what can i do? She says she has informed the police as i'm harassing her! I have asked her to meet up with me, I only wanted the truth from her, nothing more.

I have seen a scrappy head shot of her on some site, but its quite blurred and she doesn't look great. She looks quite a bit older than me. So you are right on that count!

But I want to see her, all of her, to see what he risked everything for..does that make sense?

She hasn't worked in the company for some months now, doesn't mean they haven't made contact since the sh*t hit the fan! I only have my H word for anything, and he's a lying cheater so.......
 

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lesley, you sound like you are going through similar to me right now.

I can understand your need to see the OW. Maybe it will make us feel better, maybe worse....maybe we just want the picture in our head of what they look like.

But yes, i can understand. Like you I have seen a fairly bad pic of OW, but it isn't enough and i am thinking of going to see her, whether she likes it or not.

I have made contact, but she is trying to make light of what happened. My H has told me more than she has, but like you, I just don't know what to believe.
 

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I think it's fairly normal to want to see what the other person was like. You can't trust a word she says though, not one word. You should track down her husband and inform him of her activity, he has a right to know. Give him a copy if any proof you have if you feel like it, then she'll have a harder time lying about it.

Then drop it and move on from her. She is not your problem, never was. Your biggest problem now is you. You have to figure out who you really are now. What do you want, what can you accept, how will you behave. So much upheaval, and just because your husband decided he would rather be selfish than honest with you.
 

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Normal....we always want to see what the fuss was about. In my case her facebook picture was pretty, but I saw it after I found out what she was truly about. She strikes me as the type that would stab you in the back in high school.
 

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I hope you have exposed to her husband. I know I'd like to be notified if my spouse was whor*** around.

She probably gave him a nice trickle truth, to save face, dignity, lessen the consequence and the feeling of guilt, of shame and to save him pain.

These cheaters follow a script. Trickle truth, as much truth as possible so it wouldn't exactly be considered a blatant lie, just enough for you to get a hint of what happened, what he did. Minimization, justification, blame shift, gas lighting etc
 

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It does concern me that it wasn't just a ONS, but how can i prove or disprove that? I have made contact with OW for that very reason, to clarify some things that don't add up, but she isn't interested, tried telling me it was a stupid mistake and she'd never cheated on her H before. That i shouldn't cause trouble over something as stupid as a 'kiss' it was way more than a kiss from what my H has confessed.

Said they didn't go all the way, and that she'd never do that to her H, even though she was lying in a bed with my H.

She tells me in email that she has now told her H, which i doubt. She has ceased to reply to my emails, so what can i do? She says she has informed the police as i'm harassing her! I have asked her to meet up with me, I only wanted the truth from her, nothing more.

I have seen a scrappy head shot of her on some site, but its quite blurred and she doesn't look great. She looks quite a bit older than me. So you are right on that count!

But I want to see her, all of her, to see what he risked everything for..does that make sense?

She hasn't worked in the company for some months now, doesn't mean they haven't made contact since the sh*t hit the fan! I only have my H word for anything, and he's a lying cheater so.......

Call her H and tell him immediately. She is lying. Why would your confess more if kiss was all she did. her H needs to know.
 

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How important is it for you to see what the OM or OW looks like?

My H cheated on me with a coworker and I have this need to see what she looks like. She doesn't work there any longer, left before I found out about there ONS at a works night out. Am I weird?

What do others think about this?
I HAD to know.All the times I was cheated on I couldn't rest until i knew what the other person looked like.I admit it was a shallow pointless need.
It didn't do anything for me other than allow me to lick my wounds repeating over and over things like "her butt was huge and she had a face like Trigger."
As if it would somehow soften the blow if the person was hideous looking...like the affair was about looks.I don't know where I was going with that line of thinking,i should have known better.
 

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I agree with Warlock7. Contact the husband. Like my wife's oldest brother told me a kiss is cheater code for "we had sex". Stop contacting her. Let her go.

All the guys my wife has been involved with I have been able to see. All average guys. Yes it helped me. For me the desire to contact them was fairly great but as many on TAM have suggested it was more of a waste of time due to fact that cheaters lie.
 
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Why would you beieve the OW when she said she told her husband? The same woman who said it was "just a kiss" when your husband said they had sex?

What you do is this: find he husband and tell him yourself. Don't give the OW or your husband any warning about this (because they will plot to get the stories straight). If he's on acebook, send him a private message.

It's very normal to want to know what the OW/OM look like. I think it's our ego or something, that we want to know. In my case, the bevy of women my exH was soliciting online for sex were not that attractive. Thre may have been 1 but that was it. As for the other women he dealt with, I am sorry to sound mean but one of them looked like a horse an dothers like trannies. Very cheap looking women. Not to toot my own horn but I am an attractive gal and so I my exH. I could NOT at all believe what he was going after/flirting with. I thought, WTF? (And sex was not a problem for us).



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I contacted the OM in my case, but I'm kind of weird. I hadn't known about TAM, and was making up how to deal as I went. I waited for over a week after dday for my wife to trickle out that it was more than an EA, because I didn't tell her how much I knew, and I wanted that to be her choice. It was important to me that she should trust me enough to come clean by her own choice, otherwise I felt why bother? So I had an email already for several days before I sent it. I never insisted on absolutely NC, because I also thought that was kind of pointless, after all I can't control either of them, if they want contact they'll do it anyway, and I also thought it was very likely to happen. What I did manage to pull off was that when they did make contact it was on a channel that I was monitoring, and my wife knew it. I also had a separate way to contact him that my wife was not privy to. I think the result in the end was that I wad able to intimidate him into not trying to rekindle things, plus he admitted things to me that he would not have to her, that I could share, and that let him tarnish his own image, in a way she would not accept from me. Like one day he told me he dreaded the email notification sound on his phone, because the contact stressed him out, that was a huge letdown for her as the reality sank in (I didn't inform his wife for a couple months, not until my wife came out of the fog and went NC by her choice, so he was terribly worried about me).
 

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Of course you want to know what she looks like. I am sure you asked your WS about what happened. I would bet as many have said here that he traded down. Whatever you do try not to compare yourself with the OW

You have not mentioned this but are you playing what happened in your head over and over again. That is something I did. Try to get past this if you can. I am sorry you are here.

I would also recommened that you expose to OW's SP. Are you in your husband in MC?
 

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Not in all cases, but most guys cheat with less appealing women. Why? Because married women who cheat usually cheat with good looking married/single men who are well taken care of and they fall in love with those men. All the while the men involved who are married have a more beautiful wife at home and are only in it for sex and they would never leave their amazing wife for OW.

That's just one side of it.

Would you want to see her? I'd say its best not too and ask your husband to change departments or get a new job since this is a co worker if you want anything near reconciliation to be possible.

P.S. Please keep a doubt that it was a ONS, and only a ONS. trickle truth...
Not in my case. I went to my daughters hs football game a few weeks ago with my gf. I knew that my XW would be there with the AP. A friend of mine asked who the old cancer survivor was with my xw. Said I looked like George Clooney compared to the Steve Buscemi that she was with.:D
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Thanks for responses, don't feel quite so weird now.

I don't believe she told her H, It's very probable she is lying to me so that I won't go near him. I also don't think she has informed the police, but if she has, where am I heading if I continue to pursue her for information or her H to inform him?

He needs to know, but I can't make contact with him, I don't know him and can't find him on FB. I only know their home addres. It seems very harsh turning up out of the blue to tell some poor guy his wife was cheating. Do I really want to do that? Yes I do, but is it the right thing to do?
 
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