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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, found the site very recently upon the bombshell that my marriage is done and she has had enough. I have previously and am now suffering from depression. Not a word i use lightly at all. I have today been to the docs to seek help (did it once before but decided talking and meds werent for me - biggest mistake of my life maybe).

For those interested; http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/62090-end-things.html#post1252873 is the thread about the seperation.

I wanted to make this thread to try and understand just what she will have been going through living with me. I have realised I have been depressed for pretty much the last two years but for one reason and another refused to accept it or deal with it.

So if your partner sufferers from depression, how hard is it and in what ways. i am becoming convinced most of our issues stem one way or another from my mental state and need to come to terms with what ways this could have been affecting her. I hope this may help me work through my issues.
 

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Living with the mentally ill isn't tea with the queen. You likely know how miserable you sometimes feel and you probably have meds and doctors. Your partner gets to live with the same misery but without the meds, the shrinks, the excuses. You don't have a choice. She does but she has chosen to endure this crap as the price for being with you. If you had a choice, would you willingly live with it? She deserves medals and a brass band.
 

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The "same misery?" I don't think it's the same at all. My wife has suffered from clinical depression for years, and while it is difficult for me, it hasn't made me want to harm my self, give up on life, spend days crying, or look to medication for relief. I think that people who equate severe depression with temporary depression lack an understanding of what it is.

That said, someone with that illness carries a storm cloud around with them that affects the people closest to them. In public they mask their feelings so they think it's 'under control' but at home they relax and become more difficult. It warps the way they see the world. In my case my wife has become a mostly joyless person who finds fault with everything, is quick to anger, and quick to assign blame. There is nothing comfortable or pleasurable about being with her. I know it sounds harsh, but that's the way it is. I'm not sure if she can turn it around some day. I'm hoping so.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
That sound very similar to what I have put my wife through.

I don't blame her, I gave up on myself a long time ago, so how long could I expect her to continue. Taken steps today but it has taken her being adamant it's over for me to even wake up to what I have been doing. :(
 

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My STBXH suffers from recurrent major depression/anxiety during most of our marriage. At times, everything was fine. When the illness flared up, he became angry, defensive, resentful and withdrawn. He refused to handle anything with the kids, the house, his job or us. If I suggested anything, he would bite my head off. When we asked him to join a family function, he refused saying we didn’t really want him around. We tried to convince him otherwise, but you cannot argue with someone like this. At his worst, I was afraid for our safety, the children would run out of the room in tears and ask me why does daddy hate us. We were walking around our lives on eggshells, desperately trying not to set him off. Finally, I couldn’t take any more. He missed birthdays, anniversaries, and major holidays by saying I don't feel like it, and walk out of the room. I fluctuated between feeling utterly alone, or feeling like he was one of the kids. He could not remember appointments, or conversations and if we tried to remind him-we got yelled at. The depression cost him his last job and he will not work. In the end, the anger and resentment-even on medication-succeeded in driving away friends and family.
 

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That sound very similar to what I have put my wife through.

I don't blame her, I gave up on myself a long time ago, so how long could I expect her to continue. Taken steps today but it has taken her being adamant it's over for me to even wake up to what I have been doing. :(
If my wife would even acknowledge what she's put me through it would be great but she holds the attitude that all pain is trivial next to hers. There's no recognition from her that I have feelings or that they matter. If there was, she would still have to deal with her illness (yes, I believe it is a brain chemistry imbalance), but at least I would know that she loves me. I'm not sure at this point.

Make sure that your wife knows. Keep taking positive steps to treat your depression. Do it for yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Make sure that your wife knows. Keep taking positive steps to treat your depression. Do it for yourself.
Even though we have agreed to stay under the same roof, I am going to sit down with her and have a "goodbye to my wife" talk tonight where I will apologise for what I have put her through. Without any of the excuses and accusations of previous talks. Weird to be saying "goodbye", she will till be there at home and I will still speak to her everyday but I do't have the right to call her my wife any more. I need to let her know that how far I pushed things has made me finally see.

Tbh, I don't have the strength to do it for me. I can do it for my kids though. I may have screwed up and failed at everything else but somehow I haven't done it to them yet. I cant and I wont.
 

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With mine, there is only one person in her world and she is it. She hates everyone else. Her focus is either on herself and her suffering or on her dogs. She believes nobody cares about her. She quit her job due to stress. I work ridiculous hours at two jobs to make up the difference but in her mind, I don't care. I don't believe she feels or even knows how to express appreciation.
 

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Why are you saying goodbye if it isn't goodbye? That would be alarming to your wife.

I think you said you were getting treatment. Are you on medication?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
No i do not have any treatment at the moment. I thought I knew better and left counselling an ddidnt give the meds a chance when it was tried years back. Now I have to wait probably weeks for a counsellor to be available. I see the doctor again next week when the blood tests come back and take it from there.

Quite literally on my own to deal with it in the meantime as I have no social circle anymore (lived my life for/via the wife and kids for last few years) and all my family live far away.

It was a quick talk, already done. I just admitted the breakdown in the relation ship is my fault. I repeated my understanding things are too late for us but that I would do it for the kids if no one else.

Then I said even though we'll still see each other every day I need to say goodbye to my wife as you aren't anymore.

Hardest thing I have ever done. :(
 

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It's uplifting to me to see you take accountability for your role in your marriage. My husband has been depressed since before we got married. He is always the victim and blames all his irrational behavior and poor decisions on others. I used to hope he would see that I am here because i love him, and want him to get better. Instead he now blames me for his depression and no longer loves me.

I guess I always thought I would be the first one to tire of our way of life.

I am proud of you for making changes to better yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I just wish she had found a way to make me see 6 months ago. I keep thinking of little nudges she has given to sort my social life out and various other things but I kept on heading for the self destruct button - it is so shiny, how can you not press it?

I feel better today after yesterdays actions. I have accepted my failing and finally taken a single step towards trying to fix myself.

Thing is, I don't want to do it without her. We have been having a pretty good day, took the eldest to an appointmemt, grabbed a McD's before dropping hi off and it was nice. Well other than her asking if it was ok to take the kids to her Dad's on boxing day like we always have. Think i'll say yes as they love doing it, even if it means boxing day spent alone.

She seems to have had a massive weight lifted from her shoulders she was more her old self. Today kind of like old times,except it wasn't. The weight that has been lifted was me and my depression dragging her down with me. All I wanted to do was hold her hand, tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am but she is gone from me on that level.

Doing this without her seems like such a massive task right now.
 

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I think you're doing the right thing by giving her space and focusing on bettering yourself. Perhaps she will notice this and appreciate it. Perhaps seeing this is what she needs in order for her to believe you are making a commitment to change. Because she probably doesn't want to get fooled into staying only for you to return to previous ways. She needs to know you are for real about getting better and giving her what she needs.

You need to take this time to focus on yourself, so you can be the best husband and father you can be. Heal, love thy self and learn to love life for each day has something to offer us.
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you for your words of support.

Just posted a prayer i have plastered on my FB to that effect in my separation thread. Just got to actually do it though.
 
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KC, I really feel for you. You seem like a great person who has a solid grasp on his personal situation.

I am a diagnosed bipolar, and currently am depressed. Have been for a long time now - haven't cycled to the manic for a long time. This happens with older bipolars.

Anyhow, I cannot urge you strongly enough to get real treatment for your depression. If you feel it is the reason for the breakdown of your marriage, and you have any hope for that marriage, you definitely need to fix YOU before you can hope to fix anything else.

I can relate to what you are going through. Depression creates a drag on your relationship that can seem insurmountable, especially if your mate is not on-board with your issues. But your lack of treatment tells your wife that this aspect of your problems was not important enough to you to address it. So I will say again, please, seek treatment. You do not seem to be on any sort of time limit, and frankly, treatment, which may include meds, will take time to "kick in."

Take that time, stay under one roof, and see what happens. You may haved doomed your marriage prematurely.
 
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Bobka i really appreciate your input.

I have lost the plot before in our marriage. My issues date way back before I met her. She was amazing the first time round, maybe too great. her father has schizophrenia so she is more open to mental issues than many people.

With her support I felt I didn't need the counselling and didn't stay on meds for long enough to say they were/weren't helping. I thought i knew better.

So when it has hit again I have used her as a crutch again and still not dealt with it. I totally see that two years is more than enough of that for anyone. I don't think it is the two years but the two years of denying it and looking for things to pin the blame on her.

I like to think the real me that comes out of the haze from time to time is a great guy, problem is the guy that swallows him the rest of the time tries to be great but is fundamentally broken.

I am massively grateful I am under the same roof as my kids, it could be so much worst. She may be doing that for their benefit rather than mine but it does stand in my favour. if i can honestly get better she will see it.

As per my separation thread, having acknowledged what I did and stressed it isn't her causing the depression I have managed to begin pulling back and giving her space. I can only hope I do this and I get better without her and that when that happens, she sees the real me before she gets too distant from me.
 

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Bobka i really appreciate your input.

I have lost the plot before in our marriage. My issues date way back before I met her. She was amazing the first time round, maybe too great. her father has schizophrenia so she is more open to mental issues than many people.

Have you been "officially" diagnosed with chronic, clinical depression? I ahave to assume you have.

With her support I felt I didn't need the counselling and didn't stay on meds for long enough to say they were/weren't helping. I thought i knew better.

Well, uh, you were wrong. Sorry. This time, if you do seek out treatment, give the meds enough time to work. It can take up to 2 months before you really see a difference. And by that time, any undesirable side-effects will have passed.

So when it has hit again I have used her as a crutch again and still not dealt with it. I totally see that two years is more than enough of that for anyone. I don't think it is the two years but the two years of denying it and looking for things to pin the blame on her.

I like to think the real me that comes out of the haze from time to time is a great guy, problem is the guy that swallows him the rest of the time tries to be great but is fundamentally broken.

Not to be too personal here, but if this, what we see here, is the real you, you truly seem to be a caring, aware and great guy. But the depressed you (I assume that you feel that you are depressed now) has a dark cloud following him and affecting his whole life; interactions, actions, and lack of actions.

I am massively grateful I am under the same roof as my kids, it could be so much worst. She may be doing that for their benefit rather than mine but it does stand in my favour. if i can honestly get better she will see it.

I say, whatever it takes. If this time is "dog-paddling", and you just stay in place while you work on yourself, it's quite possible that you'll come out with a better you, and a better marriage. If not, you'll still have the better you.

As per my separation thread, having acknowledged what I did and stressed it isn't her causing the depression I have managed to begin pulling back and giving her space. I can only hope I do this and I get better without her and that when that happens, she sees the real me before she gets too distant from me.
If you're clinically depressed, it isn't her, or even you, causing the depression. I'm sure you understand that it's a chemical imbalance in your brain, and that's why taking meds may be one sure way to help solve the problem. You may find posters here who are against taking meds for mental illness, but those of us who have benefitted are pretty happy with the results.

I say "happy" in the smaller sense of the word. In my case, my depression is currently "punching through" my meds, that is, it's too strong to be controlled by them currently, so I am suffering in both my mind and my relationships. But much of the time, in the bigger picture of my life, things are under control.

I spend most of my time here at TAM on the infidelity threads, as I am overcoming my wife's recent affair. It threw me into a whole new kind of depression I hadn't experienced before, with features of PTSD. We are working things out, but I am concerned that my illness makes me look weak to her, and I need to be strongest now. So I have a tough hill to climb. I'm glad that infidelity is not part of your equation. Do not let it become so, whatever you do.

Best wishes to you.
 
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K.C., have you tried working out for your depression? Like walking and jogging for an hour each day? I haven't tried it myself, but I bet it might help.
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Thought about, always found other stuff to do and said i don't have the time. been walking a bit this week though.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
First pill taken today.

Initial counselling was done on the phone through a work benefit (NHS in the UK is so damn slow) and has lead to a Psych eval on Weds before any further counselling.

Accepting my marriage is over for good has helped me feel a little clearer. Had been torturing myself with fixing me to fix us but i have finally given up on that, looks like me and the wife are on the just friends route. I can take a different path but that one is the only one we can walk together now.

I am fixing me for the kids and hopefully at some point myself though I have not been able to honestly say the latter yet.
 
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