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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been considering a divorce for a while, but I've also had doubts that I'm just fantizising over a more glamourous lifestyle. I keep seeing/reading advice that says "If you want to leave, don't ask for advice or wait for the right time, just go!!!" But that sounds awfully hasty.

What pitfalls am I not seeing? If you have gone through the divorce process, you have undoubtedly discovered things that you didn't know while you were still married. Is there anything you can share with those of us still in the consideration process?

Thank you
 

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Leelo - the grass is likely NOT greener. I would suggest marriage counseling and to try to save your marriage if at all possible.

I see you aren't attracted to your wife. You and your wife should work on that together. If you have children with anyone else you may have the same lack of attraction and this will become a serial problem. You wouldn't be the first man to watch birth and view a woman's vagina in a completely different light.

Maybe in counseling you can find the absolute beauty and amazement in what the female body can do. It can turn a couple into a family. It can carry a life, bring it into this world and provide nutrients to it. If you can see all of that as a thing of beauty, a work of art - then maybe you can get over your aversion to her body. At least the part associated with birth. As to her being very heavy and therefore unattractive, you'll need to help her by watching the baby, praising any progress no matter how small, maybe start cooking or cooking together (if you don't) and pushing for gym time with her or long brisk walks with the stroller after dinner.

Most men find their wives very lovely before, during and after delivery. So many posts by men who think about the wonder of their children and even see their wives stretch marks as a symbol of sacrifice and love making them even more attracted to them.

But being single isn't glamorous. You'll spend many nights alone, you'll watch other couples with envy. You'll miss your child terribly or feel guilty when you don't. And who is to say that your next significant other won't get pregnant or gain weight or have the spark fizzle?

I think you should learn to deal with this now and involve a marriage counselor.
 

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When dating my decision, I read " Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum numerous times. I'm not religious and having a non-guilt based way to clearly evaluate my situation was a relief. Realize that your standard of life is probably going to be worse, and if you have kids you're always going to have a connection with your wife, there isn't a lot of glory in it normally.

Wish you well.
 

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From reading your other thread here I'd say you and your wife have major communication problems and deep hidden resentment issues. Seek counseling before you throw everything away. You will be thankful you did.

As far as other issues. Sex isn't everything and while physical beauty can change depending on lifestyle, exercise and age other traits of a person remain the same.

The problems you are experiencing now in your marriage are not just your wife's fault, but yours as well. If you just leave and move on you will just carry those same issues into the next relationship. Seek counseling for yourself and your marriage.
 

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I've been considering a divorce for a while, but I've also had doubts that I'm just fantizising over a more glamourous lifestyle. I keep seeing/reading advice that says "If you want to leave, don't ask for advice or wait for the right time, just go!!!" But that sounds awfully hasty.

What pitfalls am I not seeing? If you have gone through the divorce process, you have undoubtedly discovered things that you didn't know while you were still married. Is there anything you can share with those of us still in the consideration process?

Thank you
It's variable. It depends on just how bad your marriage is and how miserable you are.

That's something you have to decide and work out. I'm all for a trial separation beforehand to get some space and figure it out.

For me, it was MUCH better but I think I'm in the minority. Most people seem to be having a harder time after divorcing. I never really wanted to be married anyway. I'd never do it again.
 

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I think WHY you are divorcing is just as important a question.

If you just have communication or unresolved relationship issues, I think you're going to find the grass is just as green on both sides. Relationships take work, and you're never going to find a woman that marriage just comes easily with. Having a "I'm just going to start over" mentality is what causes people to have 2nd and 3rd marriages.

If you're leaving because the relationship is abusive or there's cheating or one party is clearly not interested in working on the relationship, then that is a separate issue; and assuming you are actively working on your part and bettering yourself, I would say in that circumstance you could find the grass a lot greener. Though it will not be without its brown spots.
 

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My grass is plenty green over here!

That being said:
  • I am a person who relishes time alone.
  • A LOT of my interests are solitary, although I get along well with others.
  • I have familial commitments at this point (elderly parents on the edge of being unable to live alone in their own home any more) that are made EASIER by being unmarried.
  • My bills are paid ON TIME every month (something that could NOT be said while married to my STBXH).
  • I miss my high-school-aged child, but still talk/text/email/Skype. Have just learned to deal with the separation (like leaving for college) a little sooner than expected.
  • Went from a seriously RURAL AREA (OUTSIDE a town of 753 people!) to suburban Detroit. Am LOVING the availability of museums, entertainment, dining establishments, theaters, concerts, EVERYTHING there is to do in a large metropolitan area.
  • I wouldn't go back with STBXH for ANYTHING! I seriously stayed WAY TO LONG in an unhealthy situation.
You need to do some serious THINKING. ALONE. I recommend that people take paper/pencil and go OUT OF THE HOUSE to someplace comfortable: park, library, restaurant.

Do some serious thinking:
  1. What is GREAT about your current relationship?
  2. Is it likely to remain great?
  3. What is BAD about your current relationship?
  4. Is it something that CAN be fixed?
  5. Would your spouse be willing to make the changes necessary to fix the problems?
  6. Are YOU willing to make the changes necessary to fix the problems?
  7. If you could wave a wand, what would you like your life to look like 5 years from now? The perfect life...
  8. How about 10 years from now?
  9. Could these dreams/goals be achieved with your current spouse?
  10. What about with your current spouse as s/he is RIGHT NOW (without ANY change in their behavior)?
  11. Lastly, if you KNEW you were going to be dead in 9 months, HOW would you want to have lived the last 9 months of your life?
  12. ...why aren't you?
No-one can answer these questions, but YOU.
There are no "right" or "wrong" answers! You're entitled to feel the way you feel!

Give it some serious thought. If you're stuck on some point or other, consider a few (6 or fewer) sessions of Individualized Counseling to help you figure out in which direction to take your life.

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks everyone.

COguy: bingo on the abuse and one parter not wanting to work on the relationship. If there is anything less than 100 percent obedience, agreement and servitude on my part, there will be an argument and if there is an argument, she will make sure that she gets the last word, and if there is a last word, she will make sure it's as guilt-laden and hurtful as possible. In other words, if I stand up for myself, she will do whatever it takes to hurt me. And it's the worst kind of abuse: subtle, evasive and hard to prove.

SlowlyGettingWiser: Those sound like good questions to answer. I think I'll do that. I have actually done a LOT of thinking, and alone at that. I've kept a journal for a year to chronicle the events that appear (to me) to be instances of abuse. I felt I needed to do this to divide reality from my own perspective. I'm a very forgiving person, and I have a tendency to "let it slide" no matter the altercation. Some may call it weakness (I certainly do), but if I attempt to remain strong, and not simply keep quiet and "take it," ...well, see my reply to COguy above.
 

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You might want to start recording and video taping your interactions then. There's a bunch of sound recording apps for smart phones now. You may be really surprised at what you hear when you go back a few days/weeks later.
 

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depends on what kind of problems you have and how serious they are.
WS usually finds out that the grass that looked so good from the other side of the fence was actually fake astroturf. and itchy.
thats what my wife found out.
in your case, it sounds like it might be much greener.
 

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The grass is greener in many ways:
-No controlling spouse
-No substance abuse in the home
-Not having to be yelled at because I had lunch with male coworkers
-Alone time
-A clean house
-No stress of arguing parents around the kids

The grass is also dying, in dire need of water and has weeds!
-Financial difficulty- no child support and living on one income
-FULL 100% responsibility for the kids, no family in the area so having little to no "adult" time whether to relax and take a bath or go out with my FWB.

That is MY situation, though- every marriage and divorce is unique. Some would probably be happier staying married, when MC and trial sep didn't work for me, I pulled the D trigger and haven't looked back. I do not regret my divorce, in fact it is highly unlikely I'll ever marry again. I am much happier divorced even though life can be harder.

Good luck.
 

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:iagree: :iagree: :smthumbup:

You and I sound a lot alike SingleInTx. Being married to addicts/alcoholics really puts things in perspective, doesn't it? It puts you in a different category altogether it seems.

Even though we are both THE only support financially and emotionally for our kids and times can be tough you feel a sense of pride and commitment as well. We are IT. We are the tether and bedrock for those kids and that makes a world of difference.

So yeah, it sucks in some ways but that's about 10%. 90% of it is good. We know that ourselves and our kids are in a better place and going at it alone also means we are in CONTROL. With an addict/alcoholic there is no control. Your life is completely insane and when they are gone it's all about being in a better place.

I still remember coming home from work that first day my husband was gone and NOT seeing him there on that porch. NOT seeing his brooding, creepy, drunken presence sitting in that chair stairing off into space. NOT having to hear his footsteps coming upstairs and worrying about what was going to happen next and feeling that ache in the pit of my gut..

I didn't miss him then and never have. I never want to feel it again.

So in order to achieve peace and sanity, we get through it all, laugh with and love our kids and feel good at the end of a long tired day when they hug you goodnight and tell you they love you. Best payback ever. :)

In 10 years you'll feel a lot better cuz your kids willl be doing good and you can then go out and PARTEE! :smthumbup: I'm there and the water is fine! :D
 

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I think I share similar thoughts with FreakonaLeash and SingleInTx. I am alive...its not clear how much longer I would have lived. The house was becoming a hoarding hazard I just couldnt even breath in anymore. Yeah the pit in my stomach is gone..the pit from worrying constantly that the xH was going to do something dire to myself, the pets or the house. (If youre in an abusive situation with kids its even greener on the other side..abuse can ruin their lives entirely!)
 

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You might want to start recording and video taping your interactions then. There's a bunch of sound recording apps for smart phones now. You may be really surprised at what you hear when you go back a few days/weeks later.
I did that actually hoping my ex would hear the way he talked to me and our daughter. He found it while I was at work. He was angry I recorded him and it really made no difference. But that was the NPD not allowing him to think he could be the offending party.

I wonder, now that I know more of the story, if the wife has NPD.
 

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I did that actually hoping my ex would hear the way he talked to me and our daughter. He found it while I was at work. He was angry I recorded him and it really made no difference. But that was the NPD not allowing him to think he could be the offending party.

I wonder, now that I know more of the story, if the wife has NPD.
I wouldn't do it for the other person, I'd do it for myself.

Dealing with people with PD's, the most damaging side effect is making YOU feel like your crazy. The recordings are an objective way to say, "Hey I shared my feelings in a constructive way and was met with unnecessary aggression."
 

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I did that actually hoping my ex would hear the way he talked to me and our daughter. He found it while I was at work. He was angry I recorded him and it really made no difference. But that was the NPD not allowing him to think he could be the offending party.

I wonder, now that I know more of the story, if the wife has NPD.
That's in a sad way hilarious. I video'd my ew during one of our talks to show how she talked to me. it's their way of taking the focus of them and getting pissed at you were acting nice, you were setting them up. haaahaah. What denial. She couldn't handle seeing herself. I was getting frustrated in it too, watching myself? I went..wow.. look what I am letting her do to me. It was an eye opener. I took it to a theapist, got help. I then after time, divorced her. I was told, and I got it, relationships change over time, we change, they change with age, etc. We have to grieve the losses that come with it. Sometimes some hurt more than others. Sometimes, we don't greive them, but let resentment build up instead. The like a little wagon, we pull it around filling it with rocks, it holds us back from the life we want. It's not them, it's us. They are who they are. We try to love them to change, we change us to change them, we argue, fight to keep our marriages, we don't want to be quitters. We want the outside to match this expectation we've come to create in our mind. most of the time some it will hit spot on, most of it will never hit, grieve. it's like a death, the death that reality isn't what we hoped it would be. it hurts, it sucks, why us? It's ok. She abandoned me during a stent operation, the nurses we're looking for her to get approval to do the stent. They had to wake me up from anathesia to ask me if it was ok. When they confronted her, she said she was running home to get a sweater and would be right back. 1.5 hours later, she showed up. They were pissed. She got mad they scolded the living **** out of her. I was pissed she left me, when I told her, you said you were coming right back. A person who can't admit their wrong, or has done wrong even when the evidence is so overwhelming, they get pissed cuz their caught. Not because of remorse. you, I, we didn't get it until we had to have enough experience to understand the patterns. Then the light bulb comes on and we go holy crap. When you said he got pissed when you tried to let him hear the recording. His defensiveness is so strong, his ego is so huge, that little boy can't handle the real world. He has problems that he won't deal with and you're the door mat he wipes his feet on. We all deserve better. I died during a heart attack several years ago, during that time, i spoke with my gramma. She said we all pay for what we do while we're here. I paid for my choices, and I was paying for her crap too. I was told to get well and leave her. I finally did.. I tried to reconcile again, lol, but wow.. I saw why Gramma told me to leave her. EW was worse than before. I really saw the woman behind the masks. Being alone for the right reasons, is so much better than being with someone for the wrong reasons. Go to therapy for a bit. Have a professional help you. I did.. Do everything you can, so you can walk away with pride, dignity and respect. good luck.
 

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I don't think you can go into a divorce thinking your going to have a more glamorous life on the other side. If that is it then maybe stay and make the life you have more glamorous. I think you have to be really miserable in your current situation AND have exhausted all the avenues available trying to make it better. If you come from a really low place whatever you find on the other side is likely to be generally better. And if you really tried to fix it then you'll not be left with thoughts of what I could have / should have done.
 
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