How does one live in sexless marriages?

My penis has had more of my hand time than anything else. Has it affected intercourse? No. I've been in a 13 year marriage that has slowly dwindled down to a couple times a month. I do think it has slightly affected BJ's & HJ's...or my wife is just really bad at them...I think it is a combination of both. So, I masturbate about 16 to 20 times a month and only get nookie a couple times a month. That sounds like fun, right?
While masturbating has kept me from going outside the marriage, I have had it up to my bald head with touching myself...I have a beautiful wife that could be taking care of my needs, but she doesn't quite see it that way. Things are about to change.
I refuse to live this way much longer. Either she adjusts and meets her marriage commitment, or she will have to find someone else to roommate with.
That really bothers me at night...laying there, desiring sex, knowing I have a perfectly capable wife to share intimate time with, yet she is content on starving me...

My sex life has been a work in progress for a majority of my marriage. I used to place all the blame on the fact my wife is LD. Although that was still the primary cause, there was plenty I could be doing.

This site has been great for me. I have changed things about myself that I never really noticed I was doing. I took on some of the blame for our lack of sex. I become more assertive about our sex life. I didn't beat a dead horse, but I kept the topic on the forefront. I started doing the things again that I knew my wife liked.

We started branching out a little sexually. Experimented with some toys. Found a great one that helps her reach orgasm while we are having sex. Its amazing what regular orgasms will do for a woman's sex drive. it is also amazing how providing those orgasms, with help or not, take a load off...both literally and figuratively.

Our sexless periods depressed me. I felt sorry for myself and almost quit trying. I kept at it. Continued to try to make improvements. During our first pregnancy and after my child was born, there was a 15 month period of no sex. Through effort by both of us, woith me taking the lead, we are about once a week.

It sucked...but it can change and be worth it.

I would suggest sexless marriages (unless mutually agreed-upon) rarely survive over the long term. The reason is that too much frustration and resentment over the mismatch in effort and expectations build up for them to last.

Based on personal experience and what I've read, the following is a typical series of events in a sexually unsatisfying marriage:

1. At some point in the marriage, one spouse alone cuts back sex (frequency, variety, and/or enthusiasm) to unacceptably low levels if not refuses sex althogether. For a variety of reasons, it becomes unimportant.

2. The refused spouse will try to manage the situation by trying to earn sex, appease the refuser, or just waiting it out. But, the sex does not return, so efforts to manage the situation fail.

3. The refused spouse starts to distance himself or herself from the refuser. This can be out of anger or out of simple self-preservation (avoiding a painful situation). And the distance can take several forms: less together time, more time out with friends or at work, less contribution to the household, perhaps even an EA or PA.

4. The refuser sees this distance forming and becomes angry about it. The refuser is self-centered and/or lacks empathy, and does not understand or refuses to acknowledge that failing to meet his or her spouse's physical need carries negative consequences. As a result, the refuser thinks he or she is being punished unfairly ("you should treat me the same even if we don't have sex") and may retaliate in response.

5. (3) and (4) repeat in a vicious cycle until a crisis point is reached and the relationship is fixed or ended.

The key here is the refuser's expectation that they should suffer no negative consequences as a result of that refusal. This expectation is simply unrealistic.

I recall only one gentleman here on TAM is managing to make this work while feeling okay about it. But, IIRC that is due in big part to his wife accepting a significant amount of distance and accepts visible reminders of his unhappiness. He uses porn to meet his needs and does his own thing to a large extent - most refusing wives would not tolerate this (esp. the porn). Also, he is able to stay positive despite not having his wife - something not all guys are able to do.

So, back to you (the OP). The mere fact you are asking "how you people do it" says to me that you will not be able to tolerate the current situation forever. That being the case, you (knowing what comes next) need to resolve this issue to your satisfaction before resentment sets in further (which makes resolution more difficult if not impossible).

Or, you need to develop an exit strategy as favorable to you as possible. If you can't go happily without sex indefinitely, your unhappiness will manifest somehow in your relationship. If your wife is obtuse or indifferent enough to deny sex for long periods of time, she almost certainly will not tolerate you pulling back from her. Without eventual resolution of the sex problem, she will at some point bail on you even if you decide to tough it out and do your own thing.

I agree with DTO, in my case, my wife's refusal to have sex, has caused me to really not care about her needs, and in return she is definitely noticing the difference. She used to really enjoy foot and neck massages from me after a long day of work. I stopped them completely. She knows why too. I told her as long as were acting like roomates, I wouldn't give a roomate a foot massage, so any massages are out of the question until we start acting like husband and wife again. She also wants me to fill up her gas tank and generally take care of her car. I told her I wouldn't fill up my roomates gas tank, so handle it yourself (I still change her oil, only because she would run the car into the ground if I didn't and we would be stuck buying a new one!). There are more, but you get the idea. Is this good for a marriage, NO but neither is denying a spouses biggest need indefinitley. DTO is right on with their analogy.