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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been living with my partner for seven years and have had very many happy times - we are not married but it didn't mean we were less committed emotionally. Around a year ago, I started having suspicions that he was having an affair but there was always some almost plausible explanation ....then came the abusive comments and the distance.....things became unbearable at home until I found a hotel receipt at the end of November. I packed his things and made him leave......not out of anger, but because i simply couldn't cope any more and was desperately upset..

He again came up with semi plausible excuse and promised to prove it to me that he wasn't at that hotel.....then wrote many loving emails saying how he was lost without me and wanted to be home.....

Fast forward to March and still the promise of proof but nothing forthcoming and I was becoming more and more impatient and cold towards him. During all of this time, he had spent Saturdays/Sundays with me and I continued to receive loving texts and emails, flowers. Then I dug deeper myself and finally got the proof that he had been at the hotel with someone - I looked her up and called her.

I was lucky on one level as she was very honest with me and we went through everything. She was completely shocked as he had said he was single and he had lied about his age....she is 20 years his junior and he had lied continuously to her as well. The night of the hotel bill was in fact their first time...but they had met up for meals after work and bars for nearly the entire year and had been friends. He had continued seeing her albeit infrequently whilst supposedly desperate to move home.

The discovery of this has hit me very hard and there are days I just cannot function. A month on, the pain is still intense but after being asked to try and forgive and think about a second chance, I decided the pain of losing him out of my life would be even worse. And so we started to talk.

And this is where I am now even more confused..... from that minute of me saying I would try...he claims to be so overwhelmed with guilt and shame that he is struggling to re engage. He is convinced I will never trust him (it will be a long journey yes but I'm confident i can if we get therapy) and just does not respond with any reassuring or loving words, just reasons why it will be difficult. The affair is definitely over. Is this a normal pattern as all i seem to read is wayward spouses doing everything they can to return to their wives/partners. He says he wants to be home but needs time to work out how to engage. It all seems to be about him ...STILL! I have ended up being the supportive one and am now wondering whether I am kidding myself here and perhaps its just him not wanting to be back but will not tell me. or can extreme feelings of guilt and shame do this?

I should also add that his mother died the day i found out and he has also been dealing with his grief over that.

any help would be really appreciated as i feel i am going mad!!
 

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What guilt?

Your cheating SO, like most any adulterer, vehemently "wants his cake, and to eat it too!" Suffice it to say, blatant disrespect, lying and gross deception are the preeminent and unconscionable cheaters mantras!

The only remorse that he is truly displaying is that he has been literally caught with his pants down, and continually lies to you about it greatly in order to sustain the status quo of having a plate with his name on it at your table! The evidence has more than spoken!

Kindly kick his a$$ to the curb and find yourself a kind, decent man who will ardently love and respect you for the woman who you truly are!
 

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I agree with Arbitrator. Read his post about 1,000 more times.

It seems your boyfriend was having all his mid-life crisis fun with a youngin' until YOU threw a monkey wrench in the works and screwed it all up for him by talking to his girlfriend and she found out what a true dirt bag he REALLY is. Lying to you, cheating on you and on top of it, lying to HER and claiming to be single just to get himself some action on the side.

This guy has hit an all-time low in his life - in fact, he dug a crawl-space UNDER his lowest point in life.

And now that his affair is over - not because HE wanted it to end, but because you caught him and told his OW what a liar he is, he's suddenly wanting a "2nd chance?" I wouldn't give this guy the time of day, much less reinvest in a deplorable person like this.

And here you are all eager to get into therapy so you can find a way to swallow the HUGE **** sandwich he's served up to you on a silver platter. Why don't you trust your OWN judgment of seeing him for what he REALLY is and accepting the fact that he's about as toxic as a human being can get? Why do you need a therapist to talk you into finding a way to accept the atrocious disrespect he's continually heaped on you for a whole year?

I have ended up being the supportive one and am now wondering whether I am kidding myself here and perhaps its just him not wanting to be back but will not tell me. or can extreme feelings of guilt and shame do this?
Of course it's ALL ABOUT HIM. Always was, always will be.

Someone as low as this doesn't know what the hell guilt or shame IS. What a steaming boatload of manure THAT is. It sounds as though he completely emotionally disengaged himself from you a while back, and he's just having a hard time trying to find it again after having invested a year of his emotions and energy into the young woman he conned. But you're the only game in town for him now so he's going to try. Letting YOU think it's all "guilt and shame" sure sounds a hell of a lot more noble than the truth, so that's what he's going to continue claiming it is and just about any quack therapist will take that and run with it, validating his bull****. What a con artist.

Where was all this supposed "guilt and shame" every single time he lied right to your face? Where was it for the last YEAR every time he lied to you or made up a lie in order to get out of the house and go spend time with his OW? Where WAS that mystical guilt and shame then?

Personally, I wouldn't invest 5 more minutes into this snake oil salesman. He's SHOWN you who he is - you need to believe him.

I see that you posted this same thing on the SI Reconciliation board. Since you're anxious to reconcile with this guy, they'll all happily encourage you to stay with a cheater and learn how to eat a steady diet of **** sandwiches for the rest of your life. They'll also tell you all to get therapy because they think it's the magic cure for everything that ails you.
 

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Ws don't usually have much guilt
Their jaded, self-serving psyches are most adept at hiding any trace of "the guilt!" Or so they think! Just ask my RSXW!

Even when confronted for it at judgment by God, they would still fiercely deny the act, and continue with their unconscionable lying to Him, just as they did to their fellow man!
 

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I decided the pain of losing him out of my life would be even worse.
This is false.

Guilt does not consume the wayward, it only consumes you until you either become smart enough to dump the cheater, or wounded enough that you are forced to separate yourself from him.

Either way most of us end up in the same place. Divorce.

Reconciliation is the destiny for a few, but is rarely worth it.
 

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Unfortunately, your boyfriend is likely mourning the loss of his AP rather than wallowing in his guilt. It's called an "affair fog" and what waywards go through when they are cut off from their supply of ego kibbles.

And the OW dated him for a year but never went to his house? Sorry, she knew something was up.

Since you are not married to this guy, I'd leave today. Even if you were married, I'd tell you the same thing. If you had kids, I'd give you the checklist from Surviving an Affair, where you expose the affair to close family and friends to bust up the "fantasy" and the chances of the affair rekindling and going underground. But since you are not married, the benefits of exposure don't really apply. Therefore, if you stay with this guy, you'll have to live with the fact that a single text from his AP will rekindle feelings and start the mourning process all over again, or increase the odds that he will resume the affair, taking it further underground.

I don't see this relationship going the distance, whether you decide to stay or not.
 

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Yes, divorce this "predictable" man.

Speaking as an un-Moderated Astrologer.....the signs are all there. He was under the influence and he did not resist.

His mother died the same day that you discovered his affair?

The fourth to the seventh afflicts. She lost her life, her son lost his partner.

And you Dear, lost your husband to adultery.

Pray tell, is he the second born of this mother? This is not necessary for the finished cake. But it would be the frosting on it.
 

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I find myself in the same boat. I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband of almost 25 years is cheating on me with a co-worker (17 years our junior). I am currently in therapy but he refuses to go and says we are done (but he still loves me and doesn't want another man to hurt me).

My friends tell me it will get better and the pain will end but it just hurts so bad there are days that I just cant function. I went from being a happy person to being miserable and consumed with 'where is he' 'what is he doing' and lots of other thoughts. The nights are the hardest (as I'm not even living in our home).

I believe that thru therapy and time we could get past this and build our relationship stronger but after our last discussion, it's clear that he is so consumed with guilt that HE is the one who cant try to make the move towards reconciliation.

If you aren't in therapy, I would highly recommend it. It has helped me but i still fight the loneliness and pain. I read in another post something about a book called "His Needs Her Needs". I'm going to try to find it today.

I wish you much luck in your relationship and whatever decision you decide.
 

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And it will be about him for a long time... so in that time you need to love yourself more.

Not just "I need to be patient while he sorts himself out" more... but "the trust broken and pain I am feeling from having this in my life is not good for me, tears me down, and is not worth being hurt again and again so I need to let go" more.

While in counseling, talk about why we hold on to the things that hurt us... it may be an awakening that serves you well as you evaluate your "present" in all things.
 
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
thank you - the hardest part for me was he asked for another chance and then backtracked.....i agree with Jessica however that they are in 'affair fog' for quite a while usually and this blinds them.
I know everyone is right in saying I should just move on.....but its easier said than done!

i wish you luck too - hopefully your husband will come to his senses
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
thank you Emerging Buddist - very wise advice and yes, at 51 i'm very anxious of being on my own, even at the expense of staying with someone who has hurt me.
 

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Abbie, 'affair fog' is just another self-soothing term a betrayed spouse uses to explain why their cheater is acting like an arrogant, classless ass-clown.

Truth is, it's not some magical 'fog' at all. It's the sad fact that he IS an arrogant, classless ass-clown.

I've had the misfortune of spending some time with a few of these types in my past. That's why they're in my past.
 

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thank you Emerging Buddist - very wise advice and yes, at 51 i'm very anxious of being on my own, even at the expense of staying with someone who has hurt me.
But will likely hurt you again.

51 is not an issue. If you take care of yourself physically and go about your life with a positive outlook, you'll have a lineup of interested men.

Good thing is you are not married. Get out now, you'll get over it soon enough and look back as it being a great decision.

On the other hand, staying with him you'll eventually look back at that decision being not so great.
 

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thank you - the hardest part for me was he asked for another chance and then backtracked.....i agree with Jessica however that they are in 'affair fog' for quite a while usually and this blinds them.
He will continue to be in the Affair fog for as long as he is in contact with the OW. Look, unless he's cut all possibility of contact with her, you will be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your relationship.

He's already given her a year of your relationship. 10 years will go by and before you know it, you'll be 61 and still dealing with this.
 

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thank you Emerging Buddist - very wise advice and yes, at 51 i'm very anxious of being on my own, even at the expense of staying with someone who has hurt me.
51 years young?

Doors open and close for all reasons... we cannot find the love we should if we keep it locked with the one we shouldn't.

Choice my friend, it's all us. :)
 

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He will continue to be in the Affair fog for as long as he is in contact with the OW. Look, unless he's cut all possibility of contact with her, you will be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your relationship.

He's already given her a year of your relationship. 10 years will go by and before you know it, you'll be 61 and still dealing with this.
Good point, except that she'll be looking over her shoulder even if he cuts all contact with her. He'll just start with another one, he's certainly capable.
 
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