[LBB]

Hello, I am new to this, and this is my first post. I am married, 29 and a mother of 4 amazing kids.I am married to my very best friend and I feel like we have a very close bond. But he has been lieing to me, and trying to hide things from me. And he has a problem with looking at other girls online, while I am away. It hurt me alot, He did admit the truth, and is getting professional help. At first I felt like I wasnt good enough, and He wasnt happy in our marriage. But after doing alot of reading on porn addiction I realized it not me. I kicked him out of the bedroom, refused to sleep or be with him sexually, because I was hurt... I just didnt feel like he deserved to be with me. I feel alot better now its been alittle over a week. he is back in the bedroom, although we have not had sex or anything...yet. He promised me no more looking at other women, he swore he has never talked to another women or cheated.. I am struggling a little, because there was a transaction on our bank account for LavaLife ( a phone dating site for hooking up) He swore he didnt do it.. I wanna believe him, But I am not dumb. I want things to go back to normal, I want to be happy again. I try so hard to be there for him, I go out of my way to make him feel special. I am not so hurt anymore, because I understand what happened, however I feel like I dont know "everything" I am not sure that matters, if he will change right? I have a hard time trusting him because of this, I dont want to spy or wonder while I am away what he is doing... So my question to you out there, is how can I get my trust back with my husband. I realize men look, and there is no real reason for it, we are human, and he has been going to a therapist because he wants to get better. ( he set up the apt and found the doctor on his own) I am very proud of him. He reassured me I am what he wants and needs and thats all. No other women ever. I want to trust that. How can I? I want to put my guard back down. But I dont want to get my heart broken.... any advice would be greatly appreciated..Thank you for reading my post.

 

[Maricha75]

Has he agreed to leave his phone, email, etc open to you to view at any time? Give you his passwords? Basically, what I am asking you is if he is being transparent with you, on everything? What is he doing, besides taking the initiative and making the therapy appointment (which is a good step, btw!) to show you that he truly wants you and no one else?

Trust can be earned back, but it will never be the blind trust from before. Regardless, it takes time. And, in addition to his independent counseling, I think you would benefit from marriage counseling. You said it has only been a couple weeks? It takes longer than that. Trust doesn't come back immediately. And, your husband, I hope, understands this.

 

[Hicks]

Men have high sex drives and are stimulated by porn. If you attempt to stop him from doing this very normal act, he will not be able to stop himself and you will be in for a marriage of him hiding this and you trying to find it.

Looking at porn is very different from dating sites, communicating with women, dating women, seeing women, or having sex with women. So if he is doing that he has crossed the line.

My recommendation: if you really hate porn then you should be prepared to meet his sexual needs to his level which could be daily or even more. If you don't want to do that then you should allow him the outlet of masturbating to porn becuase it's more or less cruel to not provide sex and not allow him to have another outlet. You should allow him to feel comfortable doing this and make sure it's not a forbidden fruit. You should have him take a lie detector test about the dating site and what his activities were there.

 

[Hope1964]

Has he agreed to leave his phone, email, etc open to you to view at any time? Give you his passwords? Basically, what I am asking you is if he is being transparent with you, on everything? What is he doing, besides taking the initiative and making the therapy appointment (which is a good step, btw!) to show you that he truly wants you and no one else?

Trust can be earned back, but it will never be the blind trust from before. Regardless, it takes time. And, in addition to his independent counseling, I think you would benefit from marriage counseling. You said it has only been a couple weeks? It takes longer than that. Trust doesn't come back immediately. And, your husband, I hope, understands this.

:iagree: The lavalife thing is highly suspicious. Please read my story (link in sig) to see what 'just looking at porn' can lead to.

 

[LBB]

Maricha75, Thank you for your advice, he has only given me his facebook password, but I am sure if I ask him he would let me see any account at anytime. And I know everything will take time. Do you really think marriage counselling is nessasary
? Even though he is seeking professional help? I am also going to be attending a womens group at our church that deals with our issues we are having to help me heal and trust and get stronger.

Hicks,
Thank you for your response, I am not agreeing with you though. There has been dating sites and other things and I have seen convos with girls (he says he didnt do it) but I have seen them and they were bad..nasty dirty convos... about sex. He has not been able to admit this or he really didnt do it, I am not sure, I do not think it is okay for my husband to masturbate and look at other females, I am okay with going to his level and I have and am a very sexual person myself and willing to do what he needs, but only with him. How would I do a lie detector test? That sounds like a good idea...any ideas?

Hope1964,
I will read ur post.. I am so scared to find out that truth... He swore on my life he didnt do that, but it was his debit card, and it was in the middle of the afternoon while are kids were still awake. so sad, because if that were true...I know his addiction is just getting stronger and soon it will be psychically cheating...:-( I want so bad to believe him. But he lies...

 

[Hope1964]

Don't sweep this under the rug. Of course you're scared to find out the truth, but you need to. Be strong. You can do it.

 

[heavensangel]

He swore on my life he didnt do that, but it was his debit card


Want to see if this is true? Take him to the bank and have him complete the necessary paperwork to dispute the transaction. There are very specific rules regarding debit cards under the EFT agreement (electronic funds transfer). Once he signs the affidavit, the bank will do the research to find out whether or not it's a legit transaction. This should tell you if it is or not. And if it's not, the bank has to issue you a refund. But he needs to be careful, the document he signs is a 'legal' document.

The others are right!! Rebuilding trust can take a very long time! Can't remember who, but someone else on TAM put it like this:

Trust - Takes years to build; seconds to break; and FOREVER to repair.

I liked this so much, I asked if I could make note of it. I have it hanging on the bulletin board in my office. We, too, have had some similar issues. This is a tough road for both the deceived/deceiver particularly if the deceiver is legitimately remorseful. I sometimes feel guilty for questioning everything but then remind myself: I DID NOT do this to me! I did not ask for this possible life sentence of doubt! Total transparency is needed when trust is at stake. I believe Simply Amorous has a post on what total transparency should look like in a relationship. You might find it helpful.

I ditto those suggesting you look at counseling as well. We haven't taken this road yet, but have been working the last couple of years doing several marriage bible studies. This has helped my H see the damage some of his actions have caused and has also helped with me with some problem areas as well. We can both see improvements but know we still have a long way to go. We take it day by day and make sure the other knows just how much we appreciate the efforts they're making. Positive reinforcement goes along way with my H. If I see him go out of his way to make even the smallest of effort, I let him know by saying/showing him how much it matters to me.

I also agree with those advising you on PORN and the damage it can cause. It is a parasite that can take the very life out of your relationship. I dealt with that with my ex. That being said, I can tell you - you depriving your H of sex/intimacy with you will only drive him towards it. Sex/intimacy is one of the primary ways a H feels loved by his W. When you opt not to tend to his needs in this manner, you're basically saying you don't love, desire, need, or want him. If he's to get through this, he's going to need as much encouragement as possible from you. If you opt to do MC, they should be able to help you both with this.

as Hope1964 said: Be strong, you can do this!!!

 

[DrDavidCOlsen]

Rebuilding trust is complicated. First, your husband must make it a priority giving you access to ALL passwords, accounts etc, and recognize that it is his responsibility to repair trust. Second, if there is actually a porn addiction or compulsion, then he will rebuild trust by getting appropriate help. Finally, all recovery involves couple therapy, and that should be a high priority.
David Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT