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This will be kind of long but here it goes. I have been with a man for the last 5 years. I'm now 42. He has children from a 17 year marriage. I do have issues with his children. The oldest is living on her own and I can not stand her. There was a time when his kids were my life and did whatever I could for them. Our relationship was not normal. We would breakup and get back together every other month it seemed. He would say he didn't know what he wanted, he was confused. The kids were always around, every weekend it was consumed with them. I became jealous of them and that caused more issues. His ex married a man in the military and wanted to take the children out of the country. There was a custody battle and he won custody for a year. During that time it was horrible. The oldest had issues with me and I did not come around them at all because of her. We fought constantly because I couldn't take it. In 2011 we ended it for good and I started seeing someone else. I was happy with the other person and was finally done with the old relationship but I did still love him. He begged me back time and time again. He told me he realized his mistakes with the kids and it would be different. He told me he would put our relationship first from now on. He even told the kids the mistakes he had made and he just wanted another chance. When the new guy and I started having trouble he and I would reconnect. I told him I wanted to go to counseling which we did but the feelings about his kids, his ex, the old issues never went away. Bottom line is its been a year now. We have been back together. The younger kids are with their mother now and even though the oldest has appolgized to me and likes me now I still can not stand her. There is so much resentment and bitterness toward them that I just don't know how to handle it. He is so loving to me. He supports me, gives me whatever I may need. He has said he wants to marry me and for us to be together because he loves me so much, more than any other woman he has ever known but I just can't get past the kids. When they were here for a summer visit I just didn't want to be around them at all. I love him and can't imagine him not in my life but there is no passion, no desire and hasn't been for a long time. The physical attraction I once had for him has gone and I don't want to have sex with him. Its gotten to the point where we fight about it now. I feel forced to have sex with him and that makes me even more angry toward him. There are times when I feel selfish and horrible and just a mean person. There was a time when all I wanted was for him to love me and put me first and now that he does, I am just so torn. Is it possible for me to get back what I felt? If I do have love for him should I not give up? This week I told him how I felt and how I wanted to try but I am so confused. I just don't know what to do anymore.
 

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Don't marry him; I can't stand my H's kids either and I resent all the $ that gets funnelled out of our household into his ex-wife's. She enjoys all the financial perks of still being married to him, and I hold bitter resentment because of it.

Honestly, if I had to do it over, I wouldn't have married him. It's only been a year, and it's already looking like it's over. Save yourself the bother.
 

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When it comes to kids and the ex,it's a rare gem of a man who actually puts his new wife first and stands united with her. I never felt I should come before his kid but I wasn't even factored into the equation. It felt like I was the other woman in the relationship between him,his ex,and their child.

I thought mine was that rare gem.He wasn't.It was a huge factor in my decision to leave him.
 

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Agree with SB, above. H's kids are on the opposite side of the country, thankfully, so we don't have to physically deal with them much at all. If they were close, I can tell you right now that I would have called off the wedding after meeting them. And if he'd been upfront about the financials, I also would have called off the wedding.

Gee, do I have a bit of resentment going on, or what?
 

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Do you have any of your own children?

You love him with no passion & desire?

So really, he is just a friend who has children you can't stand.

I do apologize, but I don't really understand your question.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I guess I kind of rambled trying to give back ground. The bottom line is he is finally giving me the love I wanted years ago. I believe him when he says that our relationship does come first but all the past hurts, resentments and bitterness for me is still there. The last breakup we had changed me. I had lost all the passion and desire I had before. It has not come back yet. We spend all our time together, but we wind up in separate rooms watching different things. He seems to irritate me on all levels. He has even said he feels like we are an old married couple. There is no excitement, no passion, no desire and the lack of sex is making him feel unloved and rejected. I do have love for him and a part of me wants to make it work but I just can't get there for some reason. I don't understand that.
 

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Look, just don't do it. I had a boyfriend like that for 3 years. We were on again, off again, on again, off again....until I realized, 'What the phuck am I doing with this guy...I don't even LIKE him!!!'.

Recognize that whatever you once had is gone, and it probably isn't coming back.

If that doesn't help you make up your mind, just think of his kids. Yuck.
 

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Rereading your post it sounds like everything should be perfect if you can get over the resentment and bitterness.

It's not an easy thing to do. I don't think you should get married anytime soon but maybe you can go to counseling and figure out a way to forgive him?
 

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That made me kind of laugh. I guess my struggle is now I'm 42..damn 5 years with this man. I've never had kids, now I won't for sure. I feel bad sometimes because its like damn, am I just giving up because every relationship takes work. I know that those "in love" feelings don't stay forever, it can't. You have to work at it and keep it going. Thinking about the younger kids possibly coming back to live with him at some point does worry me. I know that may happen. They didn't want to go back after the summer. But that aside, am I giving up on love just because it got a little hard. If every relationship takes work then am I just calling it quits to soon? I swear, I feel like I'm going crazy! Maybe I am crazy!
 

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So what? 42 and 5 years with this guy. You know what will happen? 62 and 25 years with this guy, and no difference. Then you will be saying, 25 years of this...
 

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@Scarlet, thats just it exactly!! He has become the perfect boyfriend. He compliments me daily, supports me on all levels. We have a lot in common and always have really (except the love for his kids) LOL...but its getting over the past that I'm struggling with. What scares me if the lack of passion and desire doesn't return. I guess my question should have been more like is it really possible for that to happen..
 

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That made me kind of laugh. I guess my struggle is now I'm 42..damn 5 years with this man. I've never had kids, now I won't for sure. I feel bad sometimes because its like damn, am I just giving up because every relationship takes work. I know that those "in love" feelings don't stay forever, it can't. You have to work at it and keep it going. Thinking about the younger kids possibly coming back to live with him at some point does worry me. I know that may happen. They didn't want to go back after the summer. But that aside, am I giving up on love just because it got a little hard. If every relationship takes work then am I just calling it quits to soon? I swear, I feel like I'm going crazy! Maybe I am crazy!
another thing to consider, depending on where you live, after you're married the ex might be allowed to come after your income for support.
 

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you CAN get it back if you can get rid of your bitterness and your resentment.I was unable to do this but you might be able to and save the relationship.

how long has he kept up with these changes?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
He has really kept it up for almost a year and I have to be honest I didn't make it easy at all. All last year whenever I had doubts I would return to the other guy. It was almost like I couldn't decide between the two but he always took me back. This summer right before the kids arrived I told him I couldn't handle it and wanted to end it and a month later we were back together. When the kids were here I avoided them as much as I could and that did cause problems. He tells me all he wants is for me support him and accept his kids again and it will all work out. He wants me to be a true co-parent when he has them. I have put him through a lot and he still wants me. I've told him I can not stand his oldest, dont like her period and I really don't want to be around her and he still wants me. I guess he thinks deep down that I will change and will come around in that respect. I can deal with the kid issues later, what I want right now is to address the way I feel about him. Its that fear that has me so much on the fence. I need to fix my issues with him first and then deal with the kids crap.
 

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Read Stepmonster before you do anything else. and google support groups for stepmoms.Read their stories.

Coparenting is a slippery situation.

Maybe you guys should try living apart and dating for a while to rekindle things? But in the meantime,you need to get help on dealing with your resentment.There won't be room for desire and passion while you've got resentment and bitterness renting space in your head and in your heart.
 

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I've decided I can't do it. I guess its just to late to be saved. To much bad has taken place. I can't be with someone just because I know they love me and would be faithful. The passion and the desire is gone and I just don't ever see it coming back. This whole week has been peaceful because he has been at his place and me at mine. I didn't have to face the guilt of not having sex with him and his moaning and groaning and pushing me to. So what I'm 43, and so what if I never meet anyone. Its not worth the emotional anxiety to try and force something that is dead and gone. Just had to post and get it off my chest, maybe reading it helps. Thanks everyone for the comments earlier.
 
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