Not 100% sure...my wife was defensive and had no idea how to help me heal...I see those as natural.Simple
If any 2 of the things in this list are in your marriage, you are in false R
- WS gets defensive
- WS is against giving away his/her privacy
- WS doesn't want to go to counseling
- WS is not helping you heal(some don't care to, but some genuinely don't know how)
The big ones Just 1 = false R
- WS is still in contact with affair partner
- WS blames you for the affair
- WS does not seem remorseful at all. Guilt and remorse are two different things
That might be EI's nature....she is very warm and open from what I have seen.A big red flag is when the WS gets defensive with questions. This is somewhat normal in the very begining, right after Dday. But, after a while, once that fog has lifted, they should answer questions without getting defensive at all. No shutting down, no attitude, none!
They should be understanding and compassionate about what you are going through. If you cry, they need to be there for you, holding you or at least asking "what can I do to help?"
You should see and feel their sorrow. Again, this may not be the case right after Dday and if they are still somewhat emotionally attached. You have not told us when Dday was, that would help with this.
One I really love that my WW does is; she asks me throughout the day "how are you doing?" This shows she really cares and it's on her mind. She knows I am hurting and wants to help stop that hurt.
Communications should flow freely. Talking should be the norm.
Is that not the point though? To have true R they have to be totally honest. Otherwise those walls and barriers of untruth remain and make it almost impossible to truly 100% get over it.That might be EI's nature....she is very warm and open from what I have seen.
My wife is always defensive still. But she tries to be open....mostly, and imperfectly.
I will never know the full truth....I just have to let it go.
Then how can you say you are in true R?That might be EI's nature....she is very warm and open from what I have seen.
My wife is always defensive still. But she tries to be open....mostly, and imperfectly.
I will never know the full truth....I just have to let it go.
My H is a defensive type also. It doesnt matter what the question is he is rather snappy. He doesnt really like being asked anything and especially if its something that might involve my thinking he is up to something when he claims he is not.That might be EI's nature....she is very warm and open from what I have seen.
My wife is always defensive still. But she tries to be open....mostly, and imperfectly.
I will never know the full truth....I just have to let it go.
I dont think every WS is going to act the same way or do the same things. We are all different and are brought up differently. To expect everyone to be an open and honest book because they should be is not possible (atleast I dont think). I honestly think it depends on their personality type. Im not justifying anything for anyone, Im just saying that we cant expect all people to follow the same path and react the same.Then how can you say you are in true R?
If you have any doubt, then it's not.How do you know it's a real reconciliation? how can you tell if the WS is just coasting..
Not everybody is like this. It needs to be genuine as well. everybody can pretend.If you have any doubt, then it's not.
When its real they will go way out of their way to reassure you to the point where its annoying.
Is that not the point though? To have true R they have to be totally honest. Otherwise those walls and barriers of untruth remain and make it almost impossible to truly 100% get over it.
The affair was 22 years ago. At the time I reached a point where I gave up on the marriage, stayed for the kids. It was pointless to talk things out since I was no longer in love anyway.Anger and defensiveness and refusals to talk, name calling at you that there is something wrong with you that you want to talk, that you are dragging it up, that you will never get over it...this is all manipulative behaviour designed to shut you up so that they don't have to give you the truth.
How does anyone know for sure?Then how can you say you are in true R?