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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
If you stay and try to work on your marriage after being cheated on, how do you keep your self respect? That is where I am right now with all of this. I am a very strong person and I don't know exactly how to keep my pride and still stay.
 

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For me, it's knowing that I am with him because I want to be, not because I feel like I have to be. I kicked him out. I was done. Through IC I realized that I did still want to be with him, the truly remorseful him. And since I do have the truly remorseful him, I enjoy being with him. I am proud of myself for standing up for myself and making sure I get what I need from him, and I am proud of him for taking all the steps he has and doing all the work on himself that he has. The fwork we're both doping reinforces my self worth and self respect.
 

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I kept my self respect by knowing her affair was NOT my doing. I had no control over it. There was nothing I could do because I didn't know it was going on.

After I discovered her affair, we decided to work on our marriage within a few days after Dday. I know that's quite a bit quicker than most, but we didn't know about TAM back then.

If our reconciliation works out I know I will be a very happy man. My pride will soar.

However, if our reconciliation does NOT work out...I know I will be a very happy man. My pride will soar.
 

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Its not a matter of you staying, it a matter of what the waywards is doing to keep you from kicking them to the curb.

I found that once I was able to let go of my cheating wife, then it was up to her to do the heavy lifting to stay around. As long as my boundries were not crossed she was more then welcome to stick around.

For me there is nothing to work out I didn't cheat so here are my boundrties and if you have a problem giving up your privacy and submit to my needs then stay, if not then get out...cuz I will no longer tolorate sharing my spouse.

You can command respect by telling them (waywards spouse) your boundries and what you want and have the confidence in letting them go if these boundries are crossed.


You lose your self respect when you beg for the marriage and you don't set up boundries and the consequences for when they are crossed.

Alot of betrayed are so scared to lose there marriage they become doormats during R...it s the other way around, the waywards needs to submit in order to stick around.

As the betrayed, as long as you have no problem letting your spouse go you will command the respect you diserve.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
That makes a lot of sense. This is very early on, just had my suspicions confirmed not even 3 weeks ago. Since then I have been through every emotion. The first week was shock and things were calm and seemed like it wouldn't be so hard. Now, I am angry,bitter and resentful as well as heartbroken and keep feeling like I am why in the hell should I have to hurt like this? I am way better than this! He cheated on me with a friggin escort..someone so beneath me and him for that matter...this is the worst pain I have ever felt since my parents died.I know this is going to be a long hard road..I just don't want to lose myself in the process if that makes sense.
 

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Be careful of pride, it is a deadly sin for a reason.

In almost every list, pride (Latin, superbia), or hubris (Greek), is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, and the source of the others. It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). Dante's definition was "love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour." In Jacob Bidermann's medieval miracle play, Cenodoxus, pride is the deadliest of all the sins and leads directly to the damnation of the titulary famed Parisian doctor. In perhaps the best-known example, the story of Lucifer, pride (his desire to compete with God) was what caused his fall from Heaven, and his resultant transformation into Satan. In Dante's Divine Comedy, the penitents were forced to walk with stone slabs bearing down on their backs to induce feelings of humility.
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Alot of betrayed are so scared to lose there marriage they become doormats during R...it s the other way around, the waywards needs to submit in order to stick around.

As the betrayed, as long as you have no problem letting your spouse go you will command the respect you diserve.

I want my marriage to work more than anything because I love him that much. I just don't want him to ever think because I haven't kicked him to the curb that I will ever put up with this crap again. I know he says it won't ever happen again, they all say that. I have set boundaries and he is doing everything I have asked of him and more. He is at the clinic right now getting an HIV test. I just don't ever want to be a fool for loving him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I am talking about the kind of pride and self respect that we as human beings should have towards our self and how being cheated on makes us question every single aspect of ourselves.

I no longer think I am to blame one damn bit for the incredibly stupid thing he did. HE ruined everything, not me.
 

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It takes strength to leave, and strength to stay. There's no shame in either path, so long as you're authentic to yourself.

My spouse's choice to have an affair had nothing to do with the awesome that's me ( okay. So I'm not totally awesome, but I'm a great wife, loving mother, fierce friend, and a passionate person in general. :D ). It took me awhile to get my bearings again, but my self respect is strong and solid.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I do believe that, but, but , but!!! It still hurts so bad!! I just want to the pain to go away. I had just gotten over a 6 year battle of depression from losing my parents and had just started feeling like I was living again when this crap happened. I'm tired of having to be so strong.
 

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I do believe that, but, but , but!!! It still hurts so bad!! I just want to the pain to go away. I had just gotten over a 6 year battle of depression from losing my parents and had just started feeling like I was living again when this crap happened. I'm tired of having to be so strong.
Being strong is exhausting. Never compromise your integrity. Don't let your fear decide your fate.
 

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Self respect. That's a tough one.

If you take the path of R after betrayal, I believe you can't help but feel like you have lost some of it. Especially if you've gotten advice from others to end your marriage. I choose to believe however, that if a WS shows remorse and does the heavy lifting, and in turn your marriage is the better for it, that self respect can return.

Myself? I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet.

But I agree with the guy; you can choose to give them a chance and see how they do. If your spouse isn't remorseful, then you can take a different path to get that self respect back by leaving.

The key is not to let yourself be caught in the purgatory of half commitment. If you decide to R, be the best spouse you can be and expect the same. In time you'll know whether you made the right decision.
 

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The pain is differnet then the self respect. The pain takes a long time to pass. I still have days like today that I want to beat on something.

The A was not your fault he made the choice. Work on yourself. You will always know you took the high road.
 

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I had the wounded pride feelings too. Over time, I learned that I was not attached to my WW's bad behavior. Her actions were for her to own, not me. My WW's behavior was an indictment of her life not mine. For eighteen years I kept up my end of the bargain and kept my marriage vows. I am PROUD of the way I acted as a husband.

I have learned I am responsible for only my behaviors and happiness. I am NOT responsible for any other person or groups behavior. So when other people misbehave I do not let it attach to me. It is so freeing.....
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
cj9947. such wisdom! I totally agree with everything you said.
My biggest thing is that I never want him to think I have no self respect for staying, you know? I know he thinks he isn't good enough for me and in some ways, he is right. I have never once thought of being unfaithful to him even at the worst of times.
We are only responsible for our own actions that is why I don't ever want to be a fool for someone.
 

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I do believe that, but, but , but!!! It still hurts so bad!! I just want to the pain to go away. I had just gotten over a 6 year battle of depression from losing my parents and had just started feeling like I was living again when this crap happened. I'm tired of having to be so strong.
I understand what you're saying. I'm in the same boat. For me the most painful hurt is that, my WS knows my all the past pain yet she cheated on me. I too just want the pain to go away but it will be with me till the end. I'm just trying to deal with it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I hear ya. When I first met my husband I plainly said the worst thing he could ever do was cheat on me,...gee, thanks :mad:
 
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