[Anomnom]

I thought I could stick it out because we have a one year old baby. I'm starting to realise that it is crazy to stay with my husband if I don't love him.

We don't have sex any more. I stopped initiating in April after nearly 8 years of being the only initiator..and we haven't done it since then. He hasn't even mentioned it or touched me (apart from occasional hugs) since then. We've only done it about 6 times in two years..I am HD and would do it every day if I could, he is ND, possibly asexual (not gay!).

If we seperated, he would feel he has no choice but to return to his home country (Thailand) as he is not independent at all, can't drive, can't do grocery shopping. He does work 6 nights a week and earns decent money. I am a full time mom. I feel sick that I would be 'making' him live without his child and my baby will lose his father but I am feeling more and more I can't live in a relationship where I feel he is so indifferent towards me (even though he tells me daily he loves me) and has no intimacy at all and the bad example it sets for my child.

I have been to counselling a few times. He refuses to go as he says we have a perfect marriage. He does not acknowledge that my problems are also his..as in I am not happy in the marriage so that is my issue only and I can't fix this on my own.

Last big fight we had he said if I tried to leave he would kill me and our baby. It's the second time he said it to me in 6 months. First time I thought nothing of it, just said in anger, second time I took it seriously, even though he pretty much laughed it off the next day saying of course he wouldn't do anything like that. He is not remotely abusive, one of the kindest people I've ever met, but the longer we are together I feel he's becoming more negative as he doesn't really like living in my country. He often implies that he thinks I'm a bad mother even though I know without any doubt I am a fantastic mum. Not so kind sounding I know.

So first step is I'm waiting for bub to get into child care, I potentially have a full time job lined up to start in January. I just have no idea how to actually brooch that I want to seperate. I am past wanting to work it out, I've been telling him for many years we have problems and he has never done anything to help make changes to save our marriage. I'm obviously worried about his skitsing out so really don't know how to go about it. Any replies appreciated.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Wow, I am so sorry!

I would absolutely NOT want to give you advice on leaving a man who has threatened twice to kill you and the baby. This is a man who, by your own admission, will lose EVERYTHING when you leave him...home, family, ability to function socially, etc.

THAT IS VERY DANGEROUS as he may feel he has NOTHING left to lose if he chooses to kill you and the baby -- what's prison to him at that point, his life will already suck in his opinion. Especially as he sees your marriage as 'perfect' and he is totally satisfied with it.

I would seriously recommend that your FIRST step be to contact a women's abuse center. While it is true that your H has NOT abused you yet, the potential for disaster is VERY HIGH. His first instance of abuse with you could be fatal. Do NOT allow yourself to be lulled into thinking 'of course he wouldn't REALLY hurt me/us'. He's already said it....TWICE. It's on his mind.

Take THEIR advice. Search the internet for articles on leaving an abusive situation (assume that your situation will turn abusive and violent the MINUTE you tell him you and the baby are done with him. IF it turns out he does NOT become abusive, you have done extra work for nothing, but that is MUCH better than being unprepared for a potentially violent outburst.) See a counselor who specializes in abused spouses and ask for recommendations.

Good luck, Anom, and stay strong for yourself and your baby.

 

[Anomnom]

Thank you so much for your reply, that is good advice. I will look further into speaking with someone who deals with these situations

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

You need to find a woman's shelter and move there. They are hidden and they will help you get back on your feet. You also need to get the police involved when you exit the marriage. Whether you go to a shelter or not.

My ex h almost killed my daughter and I once when he was in a super anger rage. This was after I was held against my will inside my home for hours. He took my keys and ripped all the phones out of the wall. I left a few months after. I wasn't afraid of my ex h. Although I strongly believe he is a sociopath. My ex has diagnosed bipolar. I have never in my life seen some that angry and its all the time. He no longer has contact with my child.

When I left, that fool stalked me for a year. He had another woman living with him just a few days after I left.

I've seen my friends leave abusive marriages too. My one friend can not get rid of her ex. She's put him in jail a few times and he keeps stalking her.

You need to be very careful when you leave, but you need to get out of that marriage ASAP. You should be reporting the killing or hurting threats and get a restraining order against your husband. One thing I do regret is not calling the police.:/

Good luck.

 

[imanonymous]

Anomnom,

As a husband and father similarly situated (minus the thrat of violence), I have to concur with the ladies on this. You need to protect yourself and your child, FIRST and foremost. I would also tend to agree that even if your husband acts benignly and has only made verbal ideations, his reaction to your intentions could be fatal. Even if he would never carry out such a threat, the fact that he made the threat is dangerous. Desperation does that to people. Take suicide ideations for instance. Though many who commit suicide make no such ideations public, those who do statistically will carry out the threat unless intervention ensues. Personally, I believe you should protect your child and self first. If there are no shelters or programs available in your area, try one or more churches. Even if you're not a member of the particular church or denomination, or even religious at all, if the church has a program they are likely to help or able to refer you to resources or point you in the right direction. After you are safe, start a paper trail. Like Iminlovewithmyhubby recommended, get that restraining order. If he is concerned with the state of the marriage and your well being, he'll react with concern and conciliation versus rage. These actions don't necessarily mean you have to intend to separate permanently or divorce. If you want to save the marriage, you can always leave the door open, but not at the expense of your safety and sanity.

 

[Anomnom]

I want to emphasise that we are not in danger, husb is not abusive. The only risk is when I have 'the talk' about wanting to seperate. He is happy and content so no reason to lash out whatsoever so theoretically if I was also content we could go on like this til the end of time, but I am not content hence me starting to make plans.

I would never have the talk with my child present, he is my number one concern. Also very unlikely any stalking could go on considering he can't drive and is very unfamiliar with my city and has no friends here. I will speak to a women's shelter for more advice, get a job, childcare, etc before the talk..

 

[bluelaser]

I want to emphasise that we are not in danger, husb is not abusive.

I will speak to a women's shelter for more advice, get a job, childcare, etc before the talk..

I agree with the others, you will be safer having the "talk" remotely over the phone rather than in person. If you want to do it person make sure you have couple of people you can trust around you just in case (for protection).

Your DH can be the sweetest guy in the world but he may not be able to handle separation. I have seen lots of cases where seemingly normal guys have 'snapped' when confronted with such situations. For them its almost as if they can't be with you then they will make sure nobody else can. Normal people don't threaten to kill their spouses even faced with D.

 

[Anomnom]

Normal people don't threaten to kill their spouses even faced with D.

I agree..I would've left on the spot if I didn't have a child with him..as ironic as that sounds.

 

[FeministInPink]

I want to emphasise that we are not in danger, husb is not abusive. The only risk is when I have 'the talk' about wanting to seperate. He is happy and content so no reason to lash out whatsoever so theoretically if I was also content we could go on like this til the end of time, but I am not content hence me starting to make plans.

Anomnom, if he has threatened to kill you and your child if you leave, you ARE in danger, even if he's not physically abusive at the moment. Please, please, PLEASE listen to the commenters here; we are all concerned for your safety. Consult a women's shelter before you do anything.

We all want to see you exit this situation SAFELY.

*hugs*

 

[Anomnom]

Thank you for your concern We actually talked for hours today for the first time in years. He now knows exactly how I feel and has finally after all these years admitted there is a problem. I can't believe it! First step is acknowledgment, so perhaps there is hope after all. He's agreed to make some changes and I'm going to continue marriage counselling and we will reassess the situation in a few months. Small steps!