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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married to my husband for about 2 1/2 yrs now. When I met him I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me. We have known each other for about 10 yrs and we used to be like best friends. After we got married my husband started betraying my trust and disrespecting me in many different ways. He bought and made life altering decisions without discussing them with me, and even when I disapproved of buying a brand new truck he did it anyways. For 2 straight yrs he laid in bed and pretended to work, he was "starting his own business" He has lied to me over and over again. We can not even have a normal conversation anymore without it turning into a fight. And when we are not fighting we sit in silence watching TV living 2 totally seperate lives. I don't trust him anymore and I don't think I am in love with him anymore. I care about him but I am not in love with him. I would like a seperation but he will not leave, how do I get him to leave, he wants to try to work at this, but I cant do this anymore I feel emotionally drained. We have been trying to make this work for 2 yrs and all I do is give and give and all he does is take and abuse me emotionally. He is irresponsible, unstable, and unreliable. Am I making a mistake? I feel this is what is best for me, but everytime I tell him I want him to leave he will kiss up to me for a while then everything goes back to him being lazy. We don't have any children which I am thankful for and I am only 28 so moving on will not be a problem. I think it will be a problem for him because I think he is afraid of losing me and I do think he loves me but that is probably because I do everything for him and he won't realize how good he had it until I'm gone. I think a seperation would be good so I would have time to think and make sure losing him is really what I want. I need him to leave because we live in a basement apartment of my parents house, and I am not leaving my house, he won't even pay my father rent,which was agreed upon, when I tell him to leave he tells me no you leave go upstairs to your family, like its his house he cant even pay my dad $400 a month.:scratchhead:
 

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So do you think we should seperate?
I think he is a tick who has burrowed his way into your skin and will survive by sucking your blood until you can pull him out. As soon as you get rid of him, he will forget all about you and find some other food source to latch on to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you for the advice, this relationship has gotten so bad that for weeks now I have'nt been able to sleep or eat well. Like I said I couldn't get him to leave my apartment so I moved myself upstairs until I could figure a way to get him out. Now since I have done this he has been kissing up to me in every way possible and telling me I am going to change and I am sorry for everything and blah blah blah. I think this is just another one of his mind games to get me stay with him, you know manipulating me because he has it so good and I agree w/artieb that he is like a tick. I am just so afraid I guess that there is no one else out there for me because he likes to tell me that, I will never find anyone that will ever love you like I did, but then its like if you loved me so much why have you done this to me. He promises this time is different and he will change but how many chances can I give a person I guess I have to just forget about the what ifs and just move on. thanks
 

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there is no one else out there for me because he likes to tell me that
This is one of the FIRST things an abuser tells his victim - so that she gives up hope, and thinks she HAS to stay with him, or be alone.

Think about it.

There are, what? Three BILLION people on this planet? Hundreds of millions of people in America? Millions in your state alone?

How ridiculous is it that you couldn't find ONE man out there in the same shoes you are - wondering who he will find to love him and cherish him, and so he can do the same for her?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yeah, your right and I know he has emotionally abused me I have to be strong now and make him leave even if it involves getting the police. I have to do this for myself because I can't go on like this. Thank you so much for all your advice it has really helped.
 

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Figure out what you need to do legally to get him out. Then, sit on that information and don't tell him you have it. That way, you won't feel so desperate when he won't budge and maybe you can get him out without having to resort to interventions. And you'll be confident that you know what to do if you have to go to that last resort. In any case, he's got to go.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I think your right that he has to go no matter what, but now he is saying to I will change I am sorry, can't you just give me one more chance we can work on this marriage together.Now he is cleaning, cooking,basically kissing my butt. He also says the past 2 yrs I (he)was depressed thats why I wasn't trying to work on our marriage. He tells me seperating will drive us farther apart, but I don't know if I want this relationship to go any further. I think he knows that I am a good person with a big heart and easily manipulates me. Everytime he comes near me my heart races and my hands sweat, I get anxiety attacks. He'll say things like its not like I cheated on you and I have always been there for you. I had some medical problems and he likes to throw in my face that he stood by me through those times. He just makes me feel like I am the bad guy in all this But I gave him 10 yrs of my life, 2 1/2 of them we were married. I know he loves me, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. Even if he did change would it be for a week, or would it be permanent? Thank you any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 

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You don't get over being depressed with the flick of a switch. I don't buy that excuse.

Love doesn't hold grudges or keep count. Love doesn't list how good he is to you because of what he hasn't done to you. Replace cheated on you with - beat you, raped you, etc. Would any of those be a good reason to stay?

Past history says he'll straighten up for a bit and slide right back....this time won't be any different. Go to a lawyer and find out what needs to be done to get him out of your house and life and move on. You deserve to be happy.
 

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Get this book, it's a lifesaver: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

If you don't recognize your husband in that book, let us know, and we'll offer different advice. Many men manipulate out of fear, fear that you'll find out they're unloveable. Doesn't make what he does any less bad for you, though. Just helps you understand why. It's always possible he can get help to learn how to stop guilting you to keep you. But YOU have to be the strong one here to set high standards for what you deserve.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Well, I think I made my final decision that I want a seperation, at least a trial seperation so that I have time to myself to think, and figure out what it is I want. I have been upstairs for almost 2 wks now and I only go down to my apartment to sleep and then I still only sleep on the couch, but I've been sleeping on the couch for at least 2 months now. But I have told him numerous times I want him to leave, I need some space and he still won't go. I don't understand, he lives in my parents house, in the apartment they built for us, but for 2 1/2 years now he hasn't paid rent which was agreed upon, but he acts like he has a right to be there, why? My family has opened their hearts and home to him and this is how he repays them, by making me miserable, not paying rent for 2 1/2 yrs only $400 month and my dad was going to give us half of that back towards a house. He doesn't pay his bills, bounces checks left and right, has spent all of my savings. Why is he so disrespectful that when I ask him to leave because I need space because I need to think about where this is going he won't even leave? He forces me to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am going to have to have my father throw him out, but I'm afraid that he is going to go "psycho" on my dad when he tells him to leave. He treats the apartment like its his to come and go as pleases, living in denial while I stay upstairs with my family, because I need space, how can he be okay with that. I don't think I could ever love him again because once again he is taking advantage and being disrespectful. I think there is something wrong upstairs.
 

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Because you're weak, and he knows it. Abusers USE people like you for a free ride. Until you grow a pair and kick them out.

Call the police and have him removed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Can the police remove him? I wasn't sure of that. I asked my father to throw him out because its his house and he won't listen to me so maybe he would listen to him. My father told me No, work it out. Its like my dad wants me to stay in a loveless marriage. Now I don't know how to get him to leave. I wrote him a letter saying that staying here is only pushing me farther away, if he wants some hope for it to work out then he must respect my decision and leave without a fight. I'm hoping this will work, but probably not.
 

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Go to the police station and ask them if they can remove him. If they say no, find a lawyer; most will offer you a free 30 minute consultation, and tell you how to legally get him out.
 

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Hi, after you left me a post, I was curious to hear your story. Thanks for the advice. Sounds to me like u have it worse. My fiancee is very responsible and doesnt sponge off of me. He's the ideal man to all the rest. Doesnt your husband ever leave? I'd change the locks the min he steps out. Good luck and yes, i dont see myself getting married to him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Well, I finally got him to leave, but I don't understand why he had to be so nasty about it. All I asked was that we seperated and worked things out and he had to turn it into well if I leave theres no guarantee I'll ever be back! he also said Be careful what you wish for and you will never understand how much moving out is hurting me. Why doesn't he love me enough to fight for me? All I said was I can't live like this anymore, the constant fighting, etc. Its making me sick, mentally and physically but he had to turn it into well if I leave then its basically over, not I will do anything to make this work, like his tune changed because last week thats what he said, why so he could continue to live w/ me? Now its like oh well, no sweat off my back, your loss not mine. I mean did he even love me? He keeps saying he does,but what does he do to prove it? Why does it hurt so Much? Thanks so much for listening!
 

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Hey cupcake, I am myself in a very similar situation, we are also living 2 separate lives, and unfortunately we live in our own apartment which none of us wants to leave. My dad, also, wants me to work it out (why are dads always on the husband's side?) - but although I love my dad immensely, this is my life and my decision alone. Not sure what you can do in your case though. You definitely need to end this relationship - It's hard but you know it's the right thing to do. Stick to what you believe is the right thing for you. Talk to a layer, get that free consultation, ask around what your options are. I think the best thing would be to file for divorce, I think. Because as long as you're married he has the right to live with you and I don't think you can kick him out. It's a shame that such a long friendship turned into something so ugly. Can't you talk honestly with him? Is he happy in this relationship?
 

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I just saw your last post - it's good that he left. If he loves you and misses you he will do anything to get you back. If he doesn't then you are better off.
 
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