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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
And when I say "away from home", I don't mean like a few minutes down the road.. Im talking more like possibly out of state.... like say 100 miles away or more.

Im just asking because my parents, especially my mom, seem to have a real hard time with accepting their kids living that far away from them.

For those who don't already know, I moved out of their house when I was around 19... maybe a couple months before I turned 19 to be exact. Anyway, they were always really protective over me and were used to having me there with them. I had 3 brothers, they all still live at home. Never been married, never had kids, never moved out. The oldest is about to turn 33 next month, the second oldest will be turning 31 next month, and the youngest is 20. I know, it isnt everyday that you see someone thats in their 30s still living at home with mom and dad... but what can I say, I have an unusual family.

So when I moved down to Georgia at almost 19 years old to be with my now husband, I knew it wouldnt be easy for my parents. Simply because of the fact that they had never had to deal with having any of their kids move away or get married... BUT I didnt know it was going to be as hard on them as it was. My mom cried constantly and everytime I talked to her on the phone, she begged me to move back. And a lot of times I felt like she would say things to upset me and cause problems between my husband and I, in hopes that we'd split up and Id move back home. She'd never admit this, but I feel that its true. I tried explaining to her that when your kid is over legal age, its their choice to decide who they want to be with, and where they want to live, and that she needed to just accept it. I was with someone that I loved, someone that made me happy, and I just didnt know why she couldnt be happy for me. My husband had a good paying stable job, he owned his own house, hes hard working, hes loyal, hes extremely generous and kind.... but none of that mattered to her, the only thing she cared about was that he lived in Georgia.

When it was time for my husband and I to get married, we even offered to have the wedding up in north carolina, (which is where Im originally from) so that my parents wouldnt have to drive all the way down to Georgia. It was actually my husbands idea and he thought he was offering to do a nice thing... but my mom didnt like the idea and her exact words were "You might as well just have your wedding in Georgia. If you have it here, its just going to be like a slap in the face to see you drive 500 miles away when the wedding is over." I was like really? Does that make any sense at all?

I got sick of her nagging me about moving back, so eventually I just told her that we might move back there someday but that my husband's job meant a lot to him, and until he was ready to move, I wasn't going to press the issue with him anymore.

Eventually my husband did decide that he wanted to move, so thats what we did. We are now living in north carolina, which is where Im from originally, about 10 minutes away from my parents house. Im content with living up here, and so is my husband... he has a motorcycle, which is his pride and joy, and he loves riding it through the mountains, which is something that he could never do in Georgia, since mountains are pretty much non existent there.

But still, sometimes I think to myself... As much as I love the mountains, It would be nice to live somewhere near the beach too... We went down to a friend's wedding in Ft Myers Florida not long ago and it was beautiful there... Id love to live somewhere like that.... or even Hawaii. One of my husband's stepsisters is married to a Marine and he just recently get stationed in Hawaii... she posts pictures on Facebook all the time of her in Hawaii and it makes me so jealous because its looks like such a gorgeous place to live. They live literally just a couple miles from the beach.

But then in the back of my mind, I think to myself, I cant move to Florida or Hawaii.... because if I do, Im going to have to deal with my mom whining and complaining, wanting me to move back home and acting like she cant go on without me. Its almost not even worth it.

She even said to me before, "you can live wherever you want to, but just wait until after Im dead." :confused:

I remember when I left to move down to Georgia, I was excited because I was finally going to be moving out, getting some independence from them, and most importantly getting to be with my husband... but it kind of ruined my happiness when I saw how devastated my parents were.. and I can only imagine it would be the same way if we moved to Florida or any other place that I would want to live.

My opinion is, kids grow up, they move away and they start their own families. Their comes a point when you have to stop worrying about what your parents want, and do what makes YOU happy. Yea it sucks not being able to see them whenever I want, but I was talking to them on the phone everyday, and visiting them at least once every couple months. Its not like you have to totally shut someone out of your life just because you dont live right down the road from them.

I always felt my mom was jealous of my husband's family because we lived way closer to them than we did to my family... and she'd always make comments like "whenever you have kids, theyre not even going to know who we are! All theyll know is their grandparents on their dad's side... they won't hardly ever get to see the grandparents on their mom's side!" Even though i reassured her that if we had kids while living in Georgia, that I would bring them up to visit her as often as I could. Not to mention, there's skype... sure its not as great as seeing someone in person but at least you get to see them... but that just wasnt good enough for her.

I think the main reason my mom hates being away from me is because she fears we will become distant, in the way that she and her mom did... I can understand her feelings but I cant help but to be a little annoyed by it at the same time.

Have any of you ever had a kid move miles away from home? Did you try to talk them out of it or did you just accept it? And also if I do want to move again sometime in the future, do you think its fair that I should have to forget about what makes me happy, just so I can please my parents? I dont want to be insensitive to them and their feelings but I also want to be able to live my life and do what makes me happy.
 

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I have young kids but if they wanted to move far away I'd let then go with my blessing. I don't own them and they are free to live wherever they want.

I moved 12 hours away right after I got married (did come back eventually) and my husband is 600 miles from his family.

Neither of us were close to our families so we didn't miss much. Lol
 

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My son is still too young for this to be a concern but it wouldn't matter where he chose to live as long as he was living happily and was fulfilled by his choices.
I'd miss him terribly but technology is so great now that it's easy to keep in touch.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
That's how I think ill feel too whenever I have kids. I would of course prefer that they live near me but who wouldn't? Do you have any daughters? If so, would that make any difference? Because my parents told me that it wouldn't have bothered them as much if one of my brothers had have moved far away... but the reason it killed them when I moved is because Im their only daughter. I get so sick of hearing those words. Growing up, they always sheltered me more than my brothers and theyd say the same thing... "we have to! You're our only daughter!" They said I should like the fact that its like that because it makes me special... which is great and everything but in my opinion, you can love your child more than anything in the world WITHOUT interferring with their personal life once they become of legal age. Actually if you really cared about your child, I would think you would support whatever makes them happy... even if its something that you personally don't agree with. I mean I could understand if my husband was abusive or if he was a bum or something... but like I said, he had a house, a good job.. and most importantly, i knew he sincerely loved me and i loved him. They should have been happy that I was lucky enough to find someone like him.
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Part of growing up is learning not to take on the guilt your parents might dump on you. Your mom's issues are HERS to deal with. It's not right that she guilt-trips you like that about living your own life.

And, frankly, I think it's weird your 33 and 30 year old brothers still live at home and have never lived independently. That will be hard on any girlfriends or wives they ever have, because who can compete with mom that takes care of their every need at home?

When my sister went to college, she moved out of the house and when she graduated, she got her dream job that happened to be 1000 miles away. Right at that time, I also transferred to new position 2000 miles away. Was it hard on the parents? Of course. But they didn't try to stop us from living our lives, nor did they make us feel bad about it.
 

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Kitty, although it is natural to be a bit protective, there is overkill too. Your mom should trust you, your decisions & your husband. Do you think she does? Perhaps you could just counter when she complains that "if she hadn't done such a great job raising you", you wouldn't feel comfortable being so far away.

Do you use Skype? Video chats could go a long way to making her feel more connected.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Part of growing up is learning not to take on the guilt your parents might dump on you. Your mom's issues are HERS to deal with. It's not right that she guilt-trips you like that about living your own life.

And, frankly, I think it's weird your 33 and 30 year old brothers still live at home and have never lived independently. That will be hard on any girlfriends or wives they ever have, because who can compete with mom that takes care of their every need at home?

When my sister went to college, she moved out of the house and when she graduated, she got her dream job that happened to be 1000 miles away. Right at that time, I also transferred to new position 2000 miles away. Was it hard on the parents? Of course. But they didn't try to stop us from living our lives, nor did they make us feel bad about it.
well I think its weird that my brothers still live at home too. I suppose my parents thought id live there up into my 30s too and they'd never have to deal with any of their kids leaving. I think my brothers don't leave because my parents make it too easy on them. They don't have to pay rent or bills.. my mom still does their laundry, cooks for them and everything else. And now its to the point where, like you said, if they ever get married, they're going to expect their wife to do all the things for them that my mom does.. and chances are, its not going to be easy finding someone who is willing to do all of that. I've always had a different attitude than my brothers... I wanted to do my own laundry, cook my own dinner, and do things for myself. Not to mention they were always more protective of me and eventually I just felt smothered by them and needed space. And I think guilt trip is a perfect word to use because that's exactly what I felt like... when she would cry and act like her life was over, I got the feeling she wanted me to feel sorry for her and id say "ok just forget it. I wont move. Ill just stay here with you forever"... and in a way I felt bad for her but it also pissed me off that she couldn't just accept that its my choice to live life how I want to, without trying to make me feel like a bad daughter.
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Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission.

Btw I have 2 girls and a boy. They will still be free to move. I do not own them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
Kitty, although it is natural to be a bit protective, there is overkill too. Your mom should trust you, your decisions & your husband. Do you think she does? Perhaps you could just counter when she complains that "if she hadn't done such a great job raising you", you wouldn't feel comfortable being so far away.

Do you use Skype? Video chats could go a long way to making her feel more connected.
Well at the time that I moved, I don't know if skype was around... I hadn't heard of it at least... but I don't think my mom would have been interested. I did good just to get her to talk to me on the phone... she would never call me. Id always be the one to call her... and a lot of times she would be 'busy' and id end up just talking to my dad. And when I did talk to her, she always just sound depressed and would usually start crying.. and it got to the point where I almost didn't want to talk to her because it was always so depressing. But I agree with you... if your child feels that they can handle living 500 miles away and they WANT to be independent, if anything my parents should be proud... that's what the job of a parent is... to prepare their kid for living on their own. Obviously something went wrong with raising my brothers because they're in their 30s and still have no desire to move. My dad eventually started to accept my decision somewhat.. more than my mom did at least.. but sometimes even he would make statements like "well do what makes you happy.. if that means you have to shut us out, so be it!" They acted like it was impossible to have a relationship with family unless you lived near them.. but in fact I felt like they were the ones shutting me out. My mom didn't want me to have my wedding in NC because she just couldn't get over the fact that I wouldn't be staying there once the wedding was over, she acted like she didn't like talking to me on the phone. We visited them every month or two and even that didn't seem to make a difference. It was like if I wasn't living near them, I might as well just never call or visit them.
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When I read something like this, I think "OMG, I have an adult child!" lol. I have two who live at home, they are 12 and 9. But my 22 year old has been living away from home for a few years now. I don't see him very often but we do keep in touch...email, FB, text, and he Skypes every now and then with his siblings. I didn't raise him to be some kind of personal extension of myself, I raised him to be set free in the world, like a bot of some sort, with some of my values attached and ingrained, to be refined through use and experience. I thought this was the norm, but I'm beginning to sense that it is not.

My younger two have plans to stick close to me, but then again if they do they may have some following to do. The question will not be do I expect them to stick around but do they expect me to stick around, lol. I try to set a good example, I am going overseas this summer for 5 weeks. Probably the first of many such trips.

My kids are more than welcome to live in whatever place we have established at home when they become adults, but there is no guarantee I will be there full time. And also absolutely no pressure on them either.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
When I read something like this, I think "OMG, I have an adult child!" lol. I have two who live at home, they are 12 and 9. But my 22 year old has been living away from home for a few years now. I don't see him very often but we do keep in touch...email, FB, text, and he Skypes every now and then with his siblings. I didn't raise him to be some kind of personal extension of myself, I raised him to be set free in the world, like a bot of some sort, with some of my values attached and ingrained, to be refined through use and experience. I thought this was the norm, but I'm beginning to sense that it is not.

My younger two have plans to stick close to me, but then again if they do they may have some following to do. The question will not be do I expect them to stick around but do they expect me to stick around, lol. I try to set a good example, I am going overseas this summer for 5 weeks. Probably the first of many such trips.

My kids are more than welcome to live in whatever place we have established at home when they become adults, but there is no guarantee I will be there full time. And also absolutely no pressure on them either.
I think they was you've raised your kids IS the norm... just not for my family. Sometimes I wish my family could just be like everyone else. I think part of them would like to see my brothers move out, get married and have kids... but they're not doing anything to help that happen. Id love to see that too.. id love to be an aunt someday someday... and was hoping after I moved out and got married, it would make them want to do the same.. but here we are almost 4 years later and they're still at home. And I feel even worse for my youngest brother because they've sheltered him so much, he's gotten to the point where they don't think he even could live on his own if he wanted. He has an extreme social anxiety, which kind of runs in my family.. im not a social person either but its nothing to the extent of that. His is to the point where it stops him from doing everyday activities... anytime he gets in contact with another person, his hands shake uncontrollably because he's so nervous. He needs to see a psychologist but they wont take him because I think they're afraid to know what's wrong with him. It worries me because I know my parents wont be here forever and when they're gone he's not going to have any idea how to take care of himself... and they're not doing anything to prevent that.
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My oldest got out of grad school and interviewed with companies within 100 miles of where we live (on the east coast). He got two job offers: one was fifty miles from our house and the other was with a different branch of a company near us... in San Diego! Guess which one he picked? San Diego. I'm sad because I miss him and proud because he's independent. Heck, he even counter-offered the first offer they gave him and they met half way. Who does that with their very first job?

My wife is devastated. And she comes up with all these lame ideas why he should move back ASAP. Wildfires, crime, bedbugs, El Niño. He just laughs and calls her unreasonable (in a nice way).

I would be really disappointed if he caved and moved back because of her pressure. Just because she has a problem letting go doesn't mean he has to sacrifice his life's dreams. And we have two others on the runway so it would be a bad precedent to set.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
My oldest got out of grad school and interviewed with companies within 100 miles of where we live (on the east coast). He got two job offers: one was fifty miles from our house and the other was with a different branch of a company near us... in San Diego! Guess which one he picked? San Diego. I'm sad because I miss him and proud because he's independent. Heck, he even counter-offered the first offer they gave him and they met half way. Who does that with their very first job?

My wife is devastated. And she comes up with all these lame ideas why he should move back ASAP. Wildfires, crime, bedbugs, El Niño. He just laughs and calls her unreasonable (in a nice way).

I would be really disappointed if he caved and moved back because of her pressure. Just because she has a problem letting go doesn't mean he has to sacrifice his life's dreams. And we have two others on the runway so it would be a bad precedent to set.
Well I think its very admireable that hes pursing his goals without letting his mother influence him. My mom used to come up with the same BS excuses when I moved to georgia... she tried to convince me I would hate it there because its hot and muggy and there's bugs... and then she went on the internet and found out that the particular city we were living in was like 40% african american people or something like that. And of course in her mind, she automatically assumes that the more black people, the higher crime rate. Unfortunately where im from originally is a very small southern town and sadly many people here have that mindset. And it only made it worse when she came down for our wedding and she saw that we lived in a predominantly black neigborhood... she went onto say that we shouldn't have kids yet because our neighborhood isn't somewhere that's "safe" to raise children. Its funny because the whole time we lived there, we never had any robberies in the neighborhood, or anything like that. I felt just as safe there as I do here. And its not like it was a rundown neighborhood... it was just an average neighborhood with average people. It was obvious to me that she just didn't want us to have kids yet because she was thinking of herself. She hated the idea of having grandkids 500 miles away just as much as the idea of me being that far away.
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Everything else aside... Georgia is the worst place I have ever had the misfortune of residing... flat, muggy and just unpleasant.
 

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Honestly, I think it is selfish for a parent to want to limit their childs life in any way (discouraging their independence ) for their own personal satisfaction.

I don't have to deal with this yet, as mine are only preschoolers. But I can understand how intensely emotional and painful it must be to let your child leave - especially somewhere far away. My heart breaks a little thinking about when my kids are grown and leave us.

However - parenting is all about sacrifices, from day one. We will sacrifice our own desires so that our children can have the best life possible. Part of that is letting go and letting them live their own life - even encouraging it if they are reluctant to do so.

Sorry that you have to be put through the wringer.
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Discussion Starter · #16 · (Edited)
Everything else aside... Georgia is the worst place I have ever had the misfortune of residing... flat, muggy and just unpleasant.
I have to agree with you. My mom was right about some things... it was very muggy and humid there... and there were a lot more gnats and bugs... but at the time, I didn't really care about that. I was willing to go wherever I had to go to be with my husband. If he lived in california or new york or wherever, I would have went there. And in the end, I have to say that I do like living in NC better... it may be cold in the winter but at least in the summertime you don't feel like you're going to have a heatstroke. Plus there are mountains and all sorts of scenic places to go to here... georiga is just boring and not as nice to look at. So I actually am glad that I live here now, and my husband feels the same... he told me now that he's used to living here, he couldn't go back to living in georgia... he would hate it. The point is though, that's how you live and learn... you have to experience things for yourself... if I had never moved to georgia, I wouldn't know what its like, and id still sitting here wondering "gee... what if I had have went to georgia and what if I had liked it better than nc", but i don't have to wonder because I already experienced it. My parents would get so frustrated like they couldn't understand why I wouldn't just listen to them... they'd say they were trying to save me from making mistakes.. but that's how you grow as a person, you have to learn on your own.
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Honestly, I think it is selfish for a parent to want to limit their childs life in any way (discouraging their independence ) for their own personal satisfaction.

I don't have to deal with this yet, as mine are only preschoolers. But I can understand how intensely emotional and painful it must be to let your child leave - especially somewhere far away. My heart breaks a little thinking about when my kids are grown and leave us.

However - parenting is all about sacrifices, from day one. We will sacrifice our own desires so that our children can have the best life possible. Part of that is letting go and letting them live their own life - even encouraging it if they are reluctant to do so.

Sorry that you have to be put through the wringer.
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well seeing everyone elses responses, it confirms that I was right for feeling the way I do... I told my mom back when I moved that she needed to stop being selfish and start thinking about my happiness for a change. Her words were something like "if you move, I will feel like im losing you! If that makes me selfish, then oh well, im selfish!" I resented my parents for a while because of their attitude toward this whole thing but now that we are back in NC, my husband and I are happy and my parents are happy so its a win win... so I've tried to let all that resentment go and move on... but in the back of my mind it still bothers me, knowing that if we decide to move somewhere else, we're going to have to go through all that drama all over again... needless to say, I wouldn't let that stop me, just as I didn't let it stop me the first time that I moved... but it would really make my life and their life alot easier if they didn't give me such a hard time about it.
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I think they was you've raised your kids IS the norm... just not for my family. Sometimes I wish my family could just be like everyone else. I think part of them would like to see my brothers move out, get married and have kids... but they're not doing anything to help that happen. Id love to see that too.. id love to be an aunt someday someday... and was hoping after I moved out and got married, it would make them want to do the same.. but here we are almost 4 years later and they're still at home. And I feel even worse for my youngest brother because they've sheltered him so much, he's gotten to the point where they don't think he even could live on his own if he wanted. He has an extreme social anxiety, which kind of runs in my family.. im not a social person either but its nothing to the extent of that. His is to the point where it stops him from doing everyday activities... anytime he gets in contact with another person, his hands shake uncontrollably because he's so nervous. He needs to see a psychologist but they wont take him because I think they're afraid to know what's wrong with him. It worries me because I know my parents wont be here forever and when they're gone he's not going to have any idea how to take care of himself... and they're not doing anything to prevent that.
You could help your younger brother by inviting him over to your place and to do things with you. Since you are family he'd probably feel safe. Then maybe you could have him invite another boy his age.

It sounds like your mother is afraid to be alone so she's trying to create someone who is dependent on her. Not a good thing at all.

Does your mother have a job? Or is she home all day?

From things you have said it also sounds like your mother does not have friends she does things with.
 

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well seeing everyone elses responses, it confirms that I was right for feeling the way I do... I told my mom back when I moved that she needed to stop being selfish and start thinking about my happiness for a change. Her words were something like "if you move, I will feel like im losing you! If that makes me selfish, then oh well, im selfish!" I resented my parents for a while because of their attitude toward this whole thing but now that we are back in NC, my husband and I are happy and my parents are happy so its a win win... so I've tried to let all that resentment go and move on... but in the back of my mind it still bothers me, knowing that if we decide to move somewhere else, we're going to have to go through all that drama all over again... needless to say, I wouldn't let that stop me, just as I didn't let it stop me the first time that I moved... but it would really make my life and their life alot easier if they didn't give me such a hard time about it.
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That's the kind of thing that will be easier on you if you approach it differently. Don't tell her she's being selfish. Telling people they're being selfish rarely makes them stop being selfish. Just tell her "I understand, but I'll always be your daughter and I'll always love you. This is something I really want to do, and I hope you can be as happy for me as I am." Then just keep repeating it.

Basically, you need to learn to let your mom's angst bounce off you. Don't let it kill your joy.

And the more you do it, the easier it will be. You'll feel less guilt each time, and your mom will eventually start to at least accept your choices instead of always being in denial.
 

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I told all 3 of mine that if they went to college they could live at home until they graduated. Otherwise they would have to move out and suppor themselves.

My two step children (SD now 23 and SS now 26) have not taken college seriously. The have not taken jobs seriously either. If I let them they would just live here on my dime and use anything they earned to party. So they had to leave. I'm not going to participate in them not becoming responsible adults. They live near by and still keep asking me if they can move back in.

My son, 24, still lives here because he's in college and doing very well. His plan is that after he graduates with his BS he will go on for an MS at a school away from home. Seems reasonable to me.

He worked all through high school and for 2 years after to save up $$ for college.
 
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