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In this case, it doesn't involve either of us. It will not have any affect on our marriage, but at times I feel conflicted and want to tell her.

I'm just wondering (regardless of the topic/issue) if you feel okay keeping things from your spouse?
 

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I used to keep silly things from him. Since his A and our R we share everything.
We now have complete transparency and we share everything!
Secrecy and non communication almost destroyed my marriage.
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yeah I had a hard enough time keeping the surprise of our engagement from her (ie. hiding the ring, etc), that was 6 years ago. this will have to wait a few days.

on a seperate issue though - i'm looking at my cell phone bill from past months and I only see Voice calls and not text messages. I can lookup Current Usage of text messages though.

For those that have concerns for your marriage, how do you go back and find phone numbers texted?
 

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Depends on what "things". Some people say they share everything - I can't see how that is possible. When you get home from work, do you go through your day, blow-by-blow? A friend of yours calls you and you talk sports, do you share that with your spouse? My sister calls and goes on & on about the cute things her grandson did today - am I supposed to tell her all about that?

Nobody shares EVERYTHING!!! If it is something about your marriage or has an impact on your/her life, Ok. But you still have to make judgement calls about what is important and what is relevant. Wrecked the car, that's an easy one. Your friend called and said he's thinking about divorce - not so sure that's something to share. Lent a co-worker 20 bucks - not important.
 

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Not everything is everyones business. There are things that my friends may confide in me about, I would never betray their trust and tell my spouse.

If it was an issue that concerned me and him directly I would discuss it but as per the OP if it had no impact on us then no, I would not tell him.

I also have no issue with him not telling me things that have no bearing on me or us as a couple.
 

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Am TOTALLY in agreement with Holland on this one.

Part of being an adult is realizing that NOT EVERYTHING is about YOU or is YOUR BUSINESS. Also part of being an adult is realizing that if you don't TRUST your PARTNER, you don't have much.

A friend of mine has had nervous breakdowns in the past and been hospitalized. NEVER told my STBXH as it was NEVER his business and was never *MY* story to tell.

Ditto for siblings/friends who've had abortions, affairs, a wandering eye. These things are NOT my spouse's business. And they are not *MY* story to tell others. If I feel uncomfortable hanging out with these people because I no longer feel we share a common outlook on life, then I will quit associating with them because *I* no longer care to (for whatever my reasoning). But, even then, I would never tell my spouse/SO what was told to me in confidence.

This goes for all matters (and only those matters) that have NO BEARING on my relationship with spouse/SO. [Note: Just because a friend has an affair does NOT mean I'm going to become more susceptible to one. Therefore, it is NOT my spouse/SO's business.]
 

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I've always figured, anything you tell me, you're telling my husband too. He's my best friend, the one who will gossip with me, who'll stew things over with me, who'll put things in perspective with me. One of my friends knows this, and so limits what she tells me because she doesn't know/trust my husband in the same way I do. Which is fine by me. I'd rather have her withhold personal stuff from me than me withholding anything from my husband.
 

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SlowlyGettingWiser said:

Part of being an adult is realizing that NOT EVERYTHING is about YOU or is YOUR BUSINESS. Also part of being an adult is realizing that if you don't TRUST your PARTNER, you don't have much.

A friend of mine has had nervous breakdowns in the past and been hospitalized. NEVER told my STBXH as it was NEVER his business and was never *MY* story to tell.

Ditto for siblings/friends who've had abortions, affairs, a wandering eye. These things are NOT my spouse's business. And they are not *MY* story to tell others. If I feel uncomfortable hanging out with these people because I no longer feel we share a common outlook on life, then I will quit associating with them because *I* no longer care to (for whatever my reasoning). But, even then, I would never tell my spouse/SO what was told to me in confidence.

This goes for all matters (and only those matters) that have NO BEARING on my relationship with spouse/SO. [Note: Just because a friend has an affair does NOT mean I'm going to become more susceptible to one. Therefore, it is NOT my spouse/SO's business.]
I don't view this the same at all... It's funny how different people are and their outlooks...I suppose some of this has to do with upbringing, and our personal experiences - being burned with a BF/GF/ spouse who abused the situation or watched others go down that path.

It is good when a couple is on the same page in these things..... I surely don't feel I nor my husband lacks trust, feels everything is about US, or that we are less than adults ... because we DO share all things. I also don't take the attitude that "it's none of his business", nor would he even utter such a thing about me...being his other half.

When a spouse genuinely wants/prefers/ even enjoys sharing all things with the other.....I see this as something beautiful, something honorable even....nothing remotely related to immaturity or ego.

It IS vitally important however ... that such a spouse holds these things in the strictest of confidence....they are understanding individuals, not criticizing judgers who look down on others for their weaknesses, lowest gutters of life.

It is our RULE in our marriage - that what is shared between us, stays with ONLY US. As it should be...most especially about a friend who shared something very sensitive in confidence, I don't take that lightly... neither does my husband.

All of my Girlfriends know I share all with my husband, and they are fine with this....the last one, who opened up to me, wanted me to get HIS advice on her current relationship dilemma - wanting me to call her later with his thoughts! My husband is well respected and none of my husband's friends would have qualms with him sharing stuff with me either, they know how understanding I am - heck, some of them call me for advice >> he hands them the phone!!
 

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I've always figured, anything you tell me, you're telling my husband too. He's my best friend, the one who will gossip with me, who'll stew things over with me, who'll put things in perspective with me. One of my friends knows this, and so limits what she tells me because she doesn't know/trust my husband in the same way I do. Which is fine by me. I'd rather have her withhold personal stuff from me than me withholding anything from my husband.
Ok no disrespect I acknowledge what you are saying but here is an example of what I mean but not telling my SO everything.

My best friend has had some really difficult times in her past including abuse and a partner that forced her to sell herself sexually. This was many years ago.
She is my soul sister and we were friends well before I met SO. I would never disclose this part of her life to SO or anyone.

I value her friendship highly, in fact as much as a sister. If I told him it could well colour his view of her which is unfair to all.

I also value the fact that we have such a good friendship that she feels safe enough to share her life with me and visa versa.

There are just some things that are no ones business and as the pp said they are not part of my story and not my property to share. To do so would be a betrayal.
 

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In general I do not hav secrets from my wife. There are business confidences that I have to keep but she would not be interested in them anyway.

We have been narried for many years and nothing has yet come up that I would need to keep s ecret form her like what is mentioned above.
 

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All of my Girlfriends know I share all with my husband, and they are fine with this
Which is as it should be!

It IS vitally important however ... that such a spouse holds these things in the strictest of confidence....they are understanding individuals, not criticizing judgers
what is shared between us, stays with ONLY US
I totally get your pov; with rules such as these, I'm sure it works out well for you.
When a spouse genuinely wants/prefers/ even enjoys sharing all things with the other.....I see this as something beautiful, something honorable even
This is just not something that I would be interested in. I am firmly in Holland's camp on this one; I guess at my age I've just met a LOT MORE PEOPLE WITH A LOT MORE TO LOSE by careless slips of the tongue. And I realize how EASY it is for someone's opinion to be colored by circumstances/information from long ago.

I shall cheerfully agree that we can both respectfully choose opposite behaviors (I don't DISAGREE with you, it's just NOT FOR ME) and still be wonderful supportive friends to others!
 

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I think when married, you should share as much as you possibly can. Even when it doesn't involve them or you. I don't think the secrecy muscle should be excercised too much with your partner. It might make it easier to omit things that do matter.
 

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My wife is my best friend and i am hers ....... if there's anything we're keeping from one another then it's probably not good and shouldn't had been done !

That saying " what he/she doesnt know wont hurt " doesnt work because sooner or later he/she will :mad: ??
 

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I share everything with my wife as does she communication is very important to a healthy marriage i feel
Sorry, I don't believe this. No one can share everything or nothing for that matter.
 

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yeah I had a hard enough time keeping the surprise of our engagement from her (ie. hiding the ring, etc), that was 6 years ago. this will have to wait a few days.

on a seperate issue though - i'm looking at my cell phone bill from past months and I only see Voice calls and not text messages. I can lookup Current Usage of text messages though.

For those that have concerns for your marriage, how do you go back and find phone numbers texted?
If the bill is in your name, you can go onto your phone carrier's website and find those numbers. You can't see the messages, but the numbers will be there with the date/time, etc.
 

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I think it depends on whether it is an intentional secret, or just something you naturally don't feel like sharing, if that makes any sense. I think everybody needs a little natural space.

Personally, I'm not a huge talker anyway, so there were things in my marriage that didn't get told, but it wasn't a secret. For example, I know some people are big on talking about their work day with their spouse. I was not. Talking about my work is one of the most boring things on the planet to me. The last thing i wanted to do was go to work, and then relive my day through a lengthy conversation about it.
 
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