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over 12 years of marriage to a man who lies habitually and is pretty narcissistic. He is extremely concerned with what other people think and seeks the attention of other women often. There are a lot of lies. I keep hearing him say, he will stop. I have threatened to leave, divorce. the last 6 years all I have really done is respect myself less and less by staying with him, constantly looking and checking until he is busted again... the resentment and frustration have contributed to a true loss of myself, my ideals and I have a lot of shame to even admit to my friends and family how truly unhappy I am. I dream of leaving, I search for other homes, rentals, wherever but I have two children under the age of 7. I am staying home more to be with the kids and I miss my work as a physician but I feel I have to give the marriage and family all of me as he has told me in the past that I am not there for him, give nothing for him... on and on like the selfish person he is while playing the victim to others for validation and attention. I have truly HAD IT. I know he will wear me down with more bs about how it's really my deficiencies that cause him to lie and that I provoke him to yell at me. ugh!! I feel repulsed even writing this as I tend to cave despite the contracts, ultimatums and all that I have done in the past. Is there ANYTHING anyone can recommend re: how to hold somebody to their pledge of being honest and establish pre-agreed outcomes for releasing the other person? I feel desperate and pathetic. I want him to actually be the man he says he pledges to be and I want an out (with how much money, who gets what and the kids how often) before I agree to try to work on it. I am told I shouldn't move out of the house bc he can try to show I've abandoned him so I feel I need a legal document - has anyone btdt or have advice? thank you!!
 

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Is he a passive aggressive? Sounds like it from what you've written. There are several articles online telling you how to divorce a p.a. man.
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Is there ANYTHING anyone can recommend re: how to hold somebody to their pledge of being honest and establish pre-agreed outcomes for releasing the other person?
No, there *IS* nothing because YOU cannot control anyone else's behavior, only yours.

You have to be willing to WALK AWAY from the marriage. THAT is the 'line in the sand'.

Just left a narcissist after 19yrs of marriage and 22yrs together. (walked out May 2012). I feel SO LIBERATED! I am HAPPY EVERY SINGLE DAY! I have NEVER missed him and his lies and his selfishness for ONE SINGLE MINUTE!

You need to realize that YOU and your H are modeling behavior for your children. What are you both teaching them about HOW to be a man/husband and how to be a woman/wife? What are you showing them about marriage (because they will repeat what they know).

If this is NOT what you want for yourself (and you say it isn't), then you KNOW it is NOT what you want for your children. Get them and yourself OUT of this mess. Establish a strong, warm, loving home where you can all feel LOVED, valued, able to make mistakes and not be rejected for them, respected/accepted for who you are!

Talk to a lawyer about your rights. The initial consultation is often free. Even if it costs you $125.00, it is STILL money well-spent.

Take that first step; each succeeding one will become easier. Once you know your rights and what to expect LEGALLY, you can begin to make plans. You're a smart woman with two kids depending on you; I know you can make a wonderful life for the three of you!

Your h's problems are his own. Narcissists are often reluctant to seek treatment. If you decide to divorce, look up KathyBatesel on this site. She has helpful info on divorcing people with personality disorders. [go to the medium-blue bar near the top of the page, 3rd word from the left is "Community", people are listed there alphabetically, click on her name. You can send her a Private Message or read her private page. Tell her I sent you!]

Hang tough, ChicagoCat, you *CAN* do this! For you and for your kids. They only get ONE CHILDHOOD; make it a happy one for ALL of your!
 
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