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My wife and I split for a couple of years, but were back together by the end of 2009. In the summer of 2010, she found out that during our split I was on a single's website. Now, I did not actually meet anyone, but I did chat with several ladies. All that ended when I got back together with the wife, but she found it and got upset. I explained that I was on the site during our separation, but that did not satisfy her. We eventually let the matter drop. Now, fast forward to today (literally) and her going through my email. She found spam from a singles site, is convinced that it could not be spam and that I am online with women, and is going to "show me how it feels to be cheated on." Yes, she said that. For the record, I have never cheated on her.

How does one deal with this?
 

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You didn't say what the reason was for the original split but there does seem to be a lack of trust from your wife. Your only course of action is to sit down with your wife and have a serious talk.

As a last resort, you might want to take a lie detector test with your wife present to see the results.

Good luck.
 

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I never asked. I saw the reconciliation as a chance to start over, and I decided that the thing to do was put the past where it belongs, in the past, and keep looking forward. Perhaps I was just being stupidly optimistic.
 

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Sounds like one of those possible guilt driven spouses who intent to prove wrongdoing because it would make them feel better with what themselves did. Maybe you should put the shoe on the other foot.
 

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The original split had to do with depression (mine) and her obsession with becoming an Orthodox Jew. Turns out my lack of religious conviction annoyed the rabbis and her conversion never happened. After that, it all went to hell pretty quickly.

As for the lie detector...seems a tad "Maury" for me. One would think that being consistent in my habits, almost always being available for her to contact when out, things like that, would actually count for something.
 

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I have considered challenging her fidelity, after all I found out that she was on J-Date and other sites during the split, but would that accomplish anything more than ramping up the fight?
 

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No, it would point out to her that you have done nothing that she has not either. Bring her back to reality. And maybe point out to her that if she really wants to pursue your spam email, maybe you could pursue what she got up to also during your split. And that maybe she got up to a whole lot more than you. Would she like to go down that road?

Ask her that me thinks. That might swiftly put a stop to this nonsense.
 

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I have considered challenging her fidelity, after all I found out that she was on J-Date and other sites during the split, but would that accomplish anything more than ramping up the fight?
Could achieve to make it real for her and make her understand your side. Plus, you really don't have to take her crap when she did exactly the same.
 

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I never asked. I saw the reconciliation as a chance to start over, and I decided that the thing to do was put the past where it belongs, in the past, and keep looking forward. Perhaps I was just being stupidly optimistic.
I can assure you she was getting her ashes hauled and then hauled some more. That's why she's projecting that behavior unto you. She had lost her sexual attraction to you prior to the separation, because of the way women perceive such things, it never occurred to her until just now that you may have gotten laid during the separation. This is driving her nuts as she never considered you had it in you.

If you're sure you want to stay with her, start reading a book called "Married Man Sex Life Primer". The guy has a very useful blog. These two, plus Roissy will give you a understanding of how women actually come to have or lose attraction for a man. Start reading.
 

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Dude, I am only 20 and I can see some problems here.

Let's say she got pregnant, and the daddy is actually a loser? You are a good fall back option. You pick up her mistakes, and she doesn't learn from them, so...yea, that will end well.

Or let's say she got an STD. Well, she might have a present for you two if you two have some bonding time.

Or she realized how cruel the world is, and wants her security blanket back.
 

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Both of you can go for polygraphs together. Your point will be proven and her projections will become clearer.

But that's a bandaid. So the obvious question is What about later? Will her behavior change? To a large extent it depends on what you find out in the poly. Perhaps she is projecting. Perhaps not.
 

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I would sit down with her and ask, seriously, "what can I do to earn your trust back?" There is certainly technology available for her to have complete tabs on you 24/7, from your whereabouts to your conversations to your e-mails and everything else. I know that you don't feel like that's something you should have to do, but if it rebuilds the trust in your marriage, isn't that worth it?

I would also tell her exactly what you said here:

I never asked. I saw the reconciliation as a chance to start over, and I decided that the thing to do was put the past where it belongs, in the past, and keep looking forward.
Make it clear that even though you didn't do anything, even if she DID do something, you simply want to move forward and put everything in the past. This way you can reassure her of your good intentions for the marriage while subtly addressing her possible projections or guilt.

If you actually suspect she's having an affair right now, that would be a different matter. It sounds more to me like she might just be feeling a little guilty.
 

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I am unclear on how he lost the trust in the first place. They were separated for a few years, got back together in 2009. In the summer of 2010 she found out he had been on a single's website and now, in October of 2012 she is getting pissy about it again because of email spam?

Lonerman, I am under the assumption that when your wife found out about you using a single's website in 2010 the account had not been used since you two got back together? If that is not the case, and you were still active on the website and doing the R with her, well it is pretty clear where her issues are but I get the impression that is not the case. Clarify please.
 
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