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My wife cheated on me 18 months ago. I only found out because of the pictures that her lover sent me. They had a fight and he decided to contact me to tell me everything. He sent me pictures that I'm still struggling to get out of my head. He got Blow Js from her and sent me pictures of him finishing on her face. He sent a picture of him with his P in her A. Sorry but I'm trying not to get graphic. We went to counseling at our church and I forgave her. She was sorry and we decided to make it work for our kids sake.

I feel that she is sorry and she has done everything to prove that she will not do this anymore. My main issue is that they did things that she never did to me. She used to give Blow Js but over time, she stopped. She always gave excuses and I never pushed her. I've never put it in her A before. She never asked me to and I never tried. How can she do all these things with him willingly? We have sex now but I feel like I can't satisfy her. After almost 2 years, I still can't process how she can let him finish on her but not even give me a BJ. It triggers me every time I see or hear about someone going down on someone. I also can't get that picture of him finishing on her face out of my head. How long until these thoughts are gone? How can I move past this and get my sanity back?
 

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What do you do?
Well you could divorce her cheating ass for a start.
Remember she got caught, she never owned up and then the god squad convinced you to forgive her.
And she was quite happy to have her picture taken while she was having monkey sex with her boyfriend while you get breadcrumbs.
Doesn’t sound like remorse to me.
 

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This topic comes up a fair amount. It’s usually around two different circumstances. The first is when the husband finds out years down the marriage road from some outside source that she used to be fun and adventurous but now she is a dead fish with him ..... and second is your situation.
Seems like I remember them saying that it last for an agonizingly long time and then there are the ones that never get over it.
It’s called “mind movies”
 

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I forgave her months ago. We are deeply centered in our church and they convinced me that it would be easier to reconcile rather than divorce. It was also easier on the kids and keeping the family together. She said she was sorry and has been completely transparent. It was a blind leap to forgive her but I truly believe she is sorry. She admitted to being bored in our marriage and he was a guy that took advantage of her when she was vulnerable.
 

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Have you been to IC(individual counselling). Thats a good place to start, if you haven't already. Unfortunately, infidelity is the scenario that keeps giving.... There was one posting that I have read that found success with a PTSD counsellor. This helped him get over the mind movies.

With any counselling, unless they are experienced in dealing with infidelity, their main objective is to keep the couple together. Forgive so to speak.

Apart from the aftermath of the affair, where are you emotionally with the relationship? Are you looking for answers to just these issues, and have committed to reconcile? Are you reevaluating whether this is what you want to do?

Why did you reconcile?

She needs to go to IC too. Figure out her whys..

You may have inadvertently rug sweep this affair. Get into IC and start resolving your hurts, and for her, her whys..

That's a good start.
 

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My wife cheated on me 18 months ago. I only found out because of the pictures that her lover sent me. They had a fight and he decided to contact me to tell me everything. He sent me pictures that I'm still struggling to get out of my head. He got Blow Js from her and sent me pictures of him finishing on her face. He sent a picture of him with his P in her A. Sorry but I'm trying not to get graphic. We went to counseling at our church and I forgave her. She was sorry and we decided to make it work for our kids sake.

I feel that she is sorry and she has done everything to prove that she will not do this anymore. My main issue is that they did things that she never did to me. She used to give Blow Js but over time, she stopped. She always gave excuses and I never pushed her. I've never put it in her A before. She never asked me to and I never tried. How can she do all these things with him willingly? We have sex now but I feel like I can't satisfy her. After almost 2 years, I still can't process how she can let him finish on her but not even give me a BJ. It triggers me every time I see or hear about someone going down on someone. I also can't get that picture of him finishing on her face out of my head. How long until these thoughts are gone? How can I move past this and get my sanity back?
You cannot.
You shouldn't take her back.
Forgive?
Sure.
Stay married to?
Absolutely not.
 

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I swear, churches are just the worst in these situations. We see it time and time again....they end up blaming the cheated on spouse for not getting over it and they defend the cheater. It's unfathomable to me.

Ohhhhh, she's refoooormed....she'll never do it agaaaaainn. Give me a break. She murdered your marriage. Her. Not you. You'll never satisfy her and you'll never get over the images. You are much better off divorcing in this situation.
 

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You just described what is called a rugsweep.
You haven't processed what happened (Recovery is usually a 3-5 year process with two dedicated people working hard at it.)
If you sincerely want to be with her, she needs some intense IC to fix her malfunctions. You probably need some as well to deal with your pain. After this, if there is any desire to stay together, some MC is in order.
Her excuse was she was bored? So what? You were in the same boring marriage as her. Did you cheat?
To answer your question, you gave her the gift of a second chance.
IMO, she should be giving you everything she gave him and more. She should be rocking your world. She should be remorseful, and should be demonstrating her appreciation to you everyday, both through words and deeds.
She isn't? Send her back to Studly, and divorce her cold and hard.
 

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The thing that always come to my mind about these situations is that when the man forgives and rug sweeps it that it creates the exact opposite of attraction out of her. It’s just not the way to be a strong man. Even worse yet is the fact that they have “the church” tell them what to do. It’s like a double punch of not taking your own “as a man” choice how to live your own life.
I’ve never been in your situation but to me I don’t think you have handled it in a manner that creates desire/attraction
 

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jakkob, she's sorry because she got caught. That is not true remorse. Remember Occam's razor: The simplest explanation is the nest.
To be clear, she did things with her POSOM she didn't do with you because she loved (loves) him more than you! From what you've posted, I'd bet she would still be with him
if she handn't gotten caught. Adultery is justification for divorce in Christian theology.
 

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@jakkob - you forgot another thing she did with him that she didn't with you - make hardcore porn.

Which he still has. And that porn will almost certainly be shared with the entire world via the internet.

A few more things:
  • She is sorry. That she got caught.
  • She has not been completely transparent
  • You may be centered in your church, she is self-centered.
  • How certain are you that her shenanigans are over?
  • Don't be surprised if this wasn't her first rodeo outside your marriage. Facials, anal, and homemade porn - that's pretty hardcore.
Seems like you sacrificed a lot. What has she sacrificed for your healing?
 

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My wife cheated on me 18 months ago. I only found out because of the pictures that her lover sent me. They had a fight and he decided to contact me to tell me everything. He sent me pictures that I'm still struggling to get out of my head. He got Blow Js from her and sent me pictures of him finishing on her face. He sent a picture of him with his P in her A. Sorry but I'm trying not to get graphic. We went to counseling at our church and I forgave her. She was sorry and we decided to make it work for our kids sake.

I feel that she is sorry and she has done everything to prove that she will not do this anymore. My main issue is that they did things that she never did to me. She used to give Blow Js but over time, she stopped. She always gave excuses and I never pushed her. I've never put it in her A before. She never asked me to and I never tried. How can she do all these things with him willingly? We have sex now but I feel like I can't satisfy her. After almost 2 years, I still can't process how she can let him finish on her but not even give me a BJ. It triggers me every time I see or hear about someone going down on someone. I also can't get that picture of him finishing on her face out of my head. How long until these thoughts are gone? How can I move past this and get my sanity back?
@jakkob this is a common feature of affair sex. Sadly.

Have you had counselling from a professional qualified counsellor trained in dealing with PTSD? If not, I think you should.
 

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Why do I get the feeling that you don't go down on your wife? Two things give me that feeling. One is that she quit going down on you, when, ordinarily, a person doesn't just stop doing that out of the blue for no reason. While there are women who don't like it and prefer not to have to do it, they still do it if no other reason than to reciprocate their partner's thoughtfulness. It's hard to imagine she allows you to go down on her but suddenly stopped reciprocating never to do it again. Surely she would do it occasionally even if sparsed occasions. But generally, a woman who doesn't receive oral gratification doesn't want to give oral gratification because it makes her feel used and also makes her feel less valued, like she isn't worth much to her man since he doesn't take care of her needs in that manner. And that's not to mention it makes her wonder if there is something wrong with her or something about her that repulses him, which also makes her feel terrible.

The other thing that gives me that feeling is that you never pushed her about stopping. What guy wouldn't question that unless he doesn't do it for her either? What guy doesn't ask for a BJ at least now and then unless he doesn't feel he has the right to ask for it since he doesn't do it?

Regarding her doing anal with him, maybe she doesn't feel you are adventurous. Perhaps that's part of the reason she said she was bored. You never tried, and she never asked, but that doesn't mean she was not curious. Maybe she wanted to try and hoped you would initiate. Many women are reticent to show their adventurous side and their curiosity, but they are willing to venture when the man introduces those acts into the session. So it becomes much less of a question of why she did that with him but not with you and more of a question of why you never tried. She didn't with you because that act was never introduced. That does not mean she doesn't love you, nor does it mean she loves him.

Well, you asked these questions, so I'm just trying to offer some possible answers based on my experience as a woman. However, my attempt to satisfy your curiosity does not in any way excuse her decision to cheat on you.

But here's the part that just might sting a little bit: I'm thinking it's possible your wife was basically unsatisfied sexually, so her willingness to have an affair and experiment with him were prompted by a need to discover what was missing in her sex life. I know that's what happened to me when I was married as a young teenager. My husband at the time did try to satisfy me, but neither of us knew how to do that. We were both too inexperienced. Neither of us knew my body and what I needed sexually. For example, he would go down on me but he didn't know how to do it properly, so it was really just annoying, despite his fervent efforts. I didn't know exactly what it was that I was missing. I only knew I was missing something. I knew I had made a mistake in marrying him, and there were several reasons that I wanted to leave, but I wouldn't have left except that I needed the freedom to experiment with other partners and find sexual satisfaction. Feeling like sex was just for his satisfaction and the purpose of my birth was to service him was a terrible feeling. I began to resent him and not want to have sex with him. What was the point? There was nothing in it for me. It was all about him and just for him. That made me feel awful, worthless, and used.

Of course, I could be wrong, and the two of you enjoy a mindblowing sex life. But just in case I'm right, it may behoove you to find out and embark on a journey of discovering your wife's sexual needs. You can begin by reading my response here and doing the things I suggest. You can learn more from internet articles (not pornography) and books you can borrow from the library. Perhaps you already do all these things but if not, they are worth trying to add to your sex life. I would never have known any of this if I had stayed with my first husband. I hope your wife never has to feel that way.
 

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I forgave her months ago. We are deeply centered in our church and they convinced me that it would be easier to reconcile rather than divorce. It was also easier on the kids and keeping the family together. She said she was sorry and has been completely transparent. It was a blind leap to forgive her but I truly believe she is sorry. She admitted to being bored in our marriage and he was a guy that took advantage of her when she was vulnerable.

Honestly if she was that Christian she won’t offered any more than she offered you...I’m sorry you may buy that crap from her but I can that total bs...ask this then would it be alright for you to level the playing field tell that she is boring in bed and would be okay for him to meet a woman who would do those things for you.....like I say you are being hosed...you wife is a hypocrite
 
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