[mattyjman]

with yourself being alone? I depend too much on the relationship with my wife. When I'm not with her, I want to be. And if not her, than someone else to fill the void.

However, as we are now separated, I want to become truly ok with being alone/by myself. I've always had people around me, never been on my own, per se. When i wasn't married, I had roomates at college. Before college, I lived at home. I've never learned how to be okay on my own without needing interaction with others.

How do you do it. How do you become comfortable with that?

The reason why I ask is I really need to disengage from my wife, and I only have 2 real friends.

The easy answer is get more friends. But that just replaces her with them. I'm asking how do you get comfortable in your own house, by yourself, and not need anyone else to fill a void.

 

[Emerald]

Realize it will take a long time. People can get used to anything with time. The best thing to do is get outside of your own head by staying busy & not sitting at home ruminating. A routine is key.

 

[DayDream]

with yourself being alone? I depend too much on the relationship with my wife. When I'm not with her, I want to be. And if not her, than someone else to fill the void.

However, as we are now separated, I want to become truly ok with being alone/by myself. I've always had people around me, never been on my own, per se. When i wasn't married, I had roomates at college. Before college, I lived at home. I've never learned how to be okay on my own without needing interaction with others.

How do you do it. How do you become comfortable with that?

The reason why I ask is I really need to disengage from my wife, and I only have 2 real friends.

The easy answer is get more friends. But that just replaces her with them. I'm asking how do you get comfortable in your own house, by yourself, and not need anyone else to fill a void.

THe only way to get comfortable with being alone is to actually be alone for awhile. Or at least that's what I've gathered from my single friends.

 

[sheldonbloopr]

Go out and make some more friends, pick up a new hobby, find meet-up groups around your area that do stuff you like... such as fishing, walking, running anything.... it's very easy to get out there in the social mix and release all pent up energy and stress... I've been doing it for almost a year (though not separated but living under one roof as two almost separate people) and it works wonders....

made more than 100 (yes, you heard that right, 100) awesome friends, we party at least once every week, meet up for runs, cycling events, jogs, walks, and what have you ... not all friends need to be for booze/bicker, it's one of the golden periods of my social life, and I'm loving it..

Try it, you will just won't find time to be alone!

 

[Mrs Chai]

You mentioned that you were separated. For what particular reason? I ask this as this may shed more light on the reason why you have this particular crippling reliance on having your wife with you constantly.

I would suggest visiting the Men's Clubhouse. We have lots of male members who have needed and received similar help and advice. I would direct your attention to this thread, as most of the time these thread touch on a few subjects that would aid you:

The Man Up and Nice Guy References

I've always been a fan of the 180, if you're interested in that, I can PM you more information.

There's really not one answer that will automatically fix this. The first step is wanting to take the step in healing yourself. The rest is going to be a little harder, as you are going to ask yourself and answer some questions you may have been avoiding.

 

[IrishGirlVA]

Realize it will take a long time. People can get used to anything with time. The best thing to do is get outside of your own head by staying busy & not sitting at home ruminating. A routine is key.

So true. Like you, I lived at home then had roommates in college. After that I moved back home before I got married. After I separated from my husband I took a small apartment by myself. It was so difficult coming back to an empty space and it was so eerily quiet at night. And I missed having meals and watching TV with someone. But the more time that passed the happier I became. I could come and go as I pleased, I could stay in my pj's all day without feeling guilty, the only messes I made were my own, etc. I didn't have a lot of friends either so most of my time was spent being at home, alone. But I realized that just because I was alone didn't mean I was lonely.

Ironically, after time had passed, I actually preferred living alone. The thought of doing the roommate thing horrified me! But I did need to get out every once in a while. I made new friends, dated here and there and just enjoyed life.

You are still dealing with the loss of your life, wife and marriage. So when you come home and there is no one to talk to then that loss feels so much greater. So you are dealing with a huge change and, like Emerald said, only time will help you feel normal again.

(Oh, and I also got a cat! )

 

[DayDream]

So true. Like you, I lived at home then had roommates in college. After that I moved back home before I got married. After I separated from my husband I took a small apartment by myself. It was so difficult coming back to an empty space and it was so eerily quiet at night. And I missed having meals and watching TV with someone. But the more time that passed the happier I became. I could come and go as I pleased, I could stay in my pj's all day without feeling guilty, the only messes I made were my own, etc. I didn't have a lot of friends either so most of my time was spent being at home, alone. But I realized that just because I was alone didn't mean I was lonely.

Ironically, after time had passed, I actually preferred living alone. The thought of doing the roommate thing horrified me! But I did need to get out every once in a while. I made new friends, dated here and there and just enjoyed life.

You are still dealing with the loss of your life, wife and marriage. So when you come home and there is no one to talk to then that loss feels so much greater. So you are dealing with a huge change and, like Emerald said, only time will help you feel normal again.

(Oh, and I also got a cat! )

I love me my cats!

 

[Trying2figureitout]

www.meetup.com

Is a great resource for just meeting people with similar interests.

Not a dating site but does get you out of the house with others interested in same activities as you... way to build a friend network.

probably will find someone at a meetup you connect with... then you are no longer alone. Most meetups are free and they have a lot of meetups scheduled.

I came across this when looking for a hobby to do to relieve stress.
Your wife will see you as moving on with your life this has good benefits whether you end up reconciling or not.... better than just sitting alone with your thoughts... move on forward and find a life outside of the home.

your marriage is faltering and that's fine... you take care of yourself and see if your wife likes that. Don't cheat but meet others.

 

[3Xnocharm]

My suggestion is to focus on those things that you CAN do now that you are on your own and can do it YOUR way. You have the control now! Turn down the thermostat, change the tv channel, drink from the jug, stay in your underwear all day, read in bed til 3am, stack up magazines in the bathroom, grow a beard...you get the idea! Get back in touch with who you are and what you like.

 

[Mr Blunt]

By MattyJman
I'm asking how do you get comfortable in your own house, by yourself, and not need anyone else to fill a void.

Not needing anyone else is a big order that most people cannot do.

You are not going to get rid of that void unless you get someone to fill that void or take the steps that have been given on the above posts.

It is my opinion that getting yourself as self contained as possible is always a very great help. However, if you want to be totally self contained I do not know how to do that and do not even think that it is possible for most people. Most people need other people for at least some interaction.

Your emotional and needy requirements are at a high level right now. Keep improving your self in self containment and make as many legitimate relationships with good people as you can along the way.

Depending on how much you take the advice given on this forum and the passing of time; that will put you in a much better emotional state.


You are just going to have to be affected for a while you get yourself in much better shape.

 

[Entropy3000]

with yourself being alone? I depend too much on the relationship with my wife. When I'm not with her, I want to be. And if not her, than someone else to fill the void.

However, as we are now separated, I want to become truly ok with being alone/by myself. I've always had people around me, never been on my own, per se. When i wasn't married, I had roomates at college. Before college, I lived at home. I've never learned how to be okay on my own without needing interaction with others.

How do you do it. How do you become comfortable with that?

The reason why I ask is I really need to disengage from my wife, and I only have 2 real friends.

The easy answer is get more friends. But that just replaces her with them. I'm asking how do you get comfortable in your own house, by yourself, and not need anyone else to fill a void.

The reason people abhore being put in solitary is that most people feel fullfilled by interacting with other people.

It is acute for you now because you miss your spouse. You are grieving and going through withdrawal.

I am not a proponent of separation unless it has to do do with substance abuse. I believe in either working on the marriage or divorce.

If they are truly gone then indeed you need to find a new life. Having friends is just fine. It takes time. Start working out and so on. Being with people is a good thing right now IMO.

 

[heartsbeating]

The reason people abhore being put in solitary is that most people feel fullfilled by interacting with other people.

It is acute for you now because you miss your spouse. You are grieving and going through withdrawal.

I am not a proponent of separation unless it has to do do with substance abuse. I believe in either working on the marriage or divorce.

If they are truly gone then indeed you need to find a new life. Having friends is just fine. It takes time. Start working out and so on. Being with people is a good thing right now IMO.

I agree with this..... and I'm also about to contradict it at the same time. Because perhaps it would be beneficial for you to look inwardly, to have some time to be in your own thoughts, with your own conclusions, reflections and healing.

Creativity and art can be beneficial on many levels. It could be writing, painting, taking up an instrument - anyone who's played an instrument will no doubt attest to the meditative quality that can arise from spending hours playing and learning music. Gardening, working with plants, walking (how underrated is a good walk?!), can also bring about this type of effect and you're just in your own company.

While I do agree with Entropy's sentiment of surrounding yourself with people during this time, if you feel it might be beneficial to you to learn to enjoy solitary time, those types of healthy outlets might be worth considering. A balance of both.

 

[daisygirl 41]

when i was going through our bad time last year (EA then seperation) somone said to me
"you are never alone if you can be your own best friend". this helped me a lot. Be your best friend. Treat yourself like you would treat you best friend. What advice would you give your best friend?

its very difficult i know, but try and use this time to rediscover yourself. have some "me" time. Do all the things one has to compromise when in a relationship.

Surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones helps, but the time spent alone can also be beneficial. Watch that crappy movie, spend a couple of hours doing nothing, if thsts what you want. join an online dating agency (just for fun). Some of the responses i received really made me chuckle! But this is a good time to reflect and re evaluate!

H and i are now back together, but i really learnt from our time apart. I have learnt that i dont "need" him. After 17 years together we had become quite co dependent. I had 6 months of IC, which was amazing and it has really helped me in my "new" relationship with my H.