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how do I tell him about my "friend"?

8K views 59 replies 16 participants last post by  CuddleBug 
#1 ·
Long story short a little over 2 years no sex, I knew I was to blame so I worked on getting my drive back. I didn't say anything to him about this. I spoke to my doctor, had a full work up stopped taking my meds due to side effects. Still nothing, :scratchhead: so I bought myself a "friend" Hitachi magic wand to be exact :D well that plus a lot of hard work has done the trick! So Friday night I bit the bullet and threw myself out there. We had a great night, but now I feel I need to tell him about my friend... and I'm not sure how... I even bought an attachment for him.
Should I just ring it out during a romp or should I tell him about it?
HELP!!!!
 
#6 ·
I like toys. In fact I bought that exact one for my wife. I would be fine if she used it on her own. She admitted that she tried it alone once, but really didn't get much out of it. She much prefers it when I'm the one controlling it.

That said, I'm not so sure I'd bring up the fact that you replaced him with a toy all while you were sexless with him. That would be pretty insulting. You've had sex one time after an absence of over 2 years. This is way too soon to throw that little tit-bit into his face.
 
#10 ·
replaced him with a toy all while you were sexless with him. That would be pretty insulting.
I didn't replace him during that time i had no drive at all. I finally spoke to my doctor about it. I started off with just being mad so with holding, but then I just kinda forgot about it.... no urge was there. So after lots of testing and counseling. This is where I am.


Buying that for myself was way out of my comfort zone so was using it alone, I feel guilty. ( I was raised that you do NOT do that and sex is only for procreating. Thus is why I needed the counseling!) However I feel it also helped bring things back.

And it wasn't only one time this weekend :D
 
#8 ·
COnsidering you had no sex for two years (from what i recall from your other thread) and only just now are starting to have sex again, bringing in the toys might be a bit much, a bit fast. Enjoy a few weeks of regular sex first before planning on heading further.
 
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#9 ·
yes true I had no sex for 2 years and just the past maybe 3 months started working on myself.... I only got the toy 2 weeks ago when I wasn't getting anywhere by myself... I want to be close to him. I dont want to jump right in with the toy but I also dont want to hide it from him either... I also don't want to go back to how things were and I know I have a lot of control over that, since I'm the one who put us there to begin with.
 
#12 ·
OP,

Does your hubs know about everthing else you did to get your drive back?

If so, at some point tell him that you did buy the toy and as part of your continued "recovery" you'd love to have him use it with you

For rihjt now though, leave the toy out of it and concentrate re-connecting with him alone on a physical level for the next few weeks
 
#13 ·
I'm not sure that he is aware of how hard I worked on improving myself to get to where I am now... and I want him to know, but I don't want him to think I'm looking for something in return.
I can't imagine he thinks I just flipped a switch and bam all is OK. Then again you never know.
 
#16 ·
Start slowly telling him about how you wanted to get back on track for both of you. So you saw a doctor about your low drive. Start that way with some small talk about it.. then answer his questions. it might all come out at once or it might take a few conversations.
 
#19 ·
No No, He could NOT handle it! HaHa, I said handle! Of course tell him and show him. What is the problem? Do not buy something Black and 12 inches long and call it your new boyfriend. Just say it feels good and you love him for putting up with you for two years. Good Luck and MC and HN David
 
#20 ·
Ok so date night was last night but it didn't go so well. He was to busy playing with his phone, he wouldn't put it down I wound up just sitting there at 1point I went to the restroom and he didn't even know I was gone. Needless to say I'm doing all this work to trying and save this but getting really pissed that he isn't noticing. So he still doesn't know what I have done to improve myself for us. I tried to discuss it but all I got was mm hmm, ok and I knew he wasn't listening that's when I just stopped. At home it's the same he is on his couch with iPad and completely zoned out. Any advice?
 
#40 ·
You robbed your husband of sex for years, and you're getting "pretty pissed" that he isn't noticing your subtle attempts after a few weeks?

You need to look into investing at least 2 additional years in trying to restore the damage you did to your marriage, and your husband. You created a sexless marriage. You can't be shocked that your man has learned to live in it.

Have you also really explored how, despite all the work you put in, an electronic "back massager" was able to magically open up your sexual flood gates?
 
#22 ·
Yes

Turn it on for him. get a nice outfit on and make it clear that you wnat him then and there

As the two of you lay back in the after glow, start by saying that you're sorry for what seemed to be you ignoring his needs in the past. Tell him that while you weren;t ignoring him, you just didn't feel ANY drive and knew it was hurting him so YOU took matters into your own hands, went to the doc, got off meds and learned how to be a more sexual being again for HIM because you love him and want to be with him

After you get your sex life more focused on each other and away from iPads and smart phones, tell him again that you're glad you put the effort into improving yourself for him. He hopefully will appreciate it.

Then start to tell him that some of the articles you researched urged you to "experiment" with your own body to get back in touch with your sexuality. One of the suggestions was a vibrator to get those feelings going so you bought one

let the rest of the conversation and the evening go from there. Hopefully it will go well!
 
#27 ·
We got to the restaurant, there was a short wait so we made small talk how was your day and so forth. We go to the table our normal waitress comes over she knows our order she leaves, phone is already in his hand. I said I have a few things I'd like to talk to you about, can you put the phone down... I got an ok put phone still up... So I waited then asked him again, which I was told hold on I'm just checking is in, then their was an email for work that he had been waiting on all day. So I got up and went to the bathroom where I took a long hard look on the mirror and hated what I saw. I composed my self went back to the table and he didn't even know I had left. I asked if he was done so we could talk no answer so I say there the phone didn't even get put away when the food came. We left I told him how disappointed I was and how disrespectful he was and then the kids were in the car. We got home and he went to bed.
 
#26 ·
Men typically don't take hints very well. Be direct. Also, some men has said that after being told "no" for a long time, they will sometimes be reluctant to automatically go along with the wife if she finally initiates sex. They sometimes have a tendency for payback... in order to let her know how it feels. Sometimes, if the wife has said no for a really long time, they're sexual passion and desire for her can be replaced with resentment.

I'd suggest being very direct about initial sex and conversations and find out what's in his head.
 
#31 ·
After two years of nothing he is now stuck in the grove of nothing being on the table.

So maybe be less subtle, for example at the restaurant, if you came back without your panties on, and slipped them into his pocket then whispered into his ear what you had just done, and suggest you'd like him to take advantage of it ASAP when you get home, the results maybe different .

Or if he's glued to the device, send him sexts.
 
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