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I'm not so sure guilting her into it, never mind having a third party do it, is the answer...
How do i talk about non existent sex life with my wife
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2,566 Posts
So you want sex because it feels good. She has no interest because it actually hurts. She doesn't understand the good feeling. From her perspective I'm sure she feels broken and ashamed as she knows she is supposed to have sex.
What did the doctor tell her? What is the cause of the pain?
excuse my xenophobic response, but family guilt is HOW THEY DO IT in other countries. If mom and dad, or grandma put the hurt on you.....your life is ruined in those cultures.
now that assumes mom WANTS her to stay married to the OP, or there is so much shame in her divorcing to the entire family that mom wants her to stay married.
it is a force he needs to apply.
besides, doesn't TAM always say "expose the cheater to the family"?
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1,861 Posts
This is key. I can't blame her for not wanting sex if it is painful. It isn't a turn on for the man either. Nothing will make me lose an erection faster than when I cause some kind of pain in my wife during sex.
It sounds like she was given things to try by a gynecologist, but doesn't want to do them. It is hard to help someone that won't even listen to their doctor.
have not seen the op back. a driveby?
in any event, it sounds like his wife needs a set of these:
www.intimaterose.com
in any event, it sounds like his wife needs a set of these:
Vaginal Dilators
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www.intimaterose.com
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40 Posts
I have firsthand experience with this, and it sucks for both parties. Ex wife's vaginal canal was.. shallow, I guess? Not uncommon. But hitting the cervix is painful. And for me, making sure I DON'T kind of takes a bit of the excitement away.
Not only that, but she had a hyper-sensitive clit, as in painful for her when she was aroused.
AND, she had TMJ, so her jaw would lock if she opened her mouth too wide, for too long. So that took care of that part of sex...
Ironically enough, she had a pretty healthy sex drive, so there wasn't a lack of it. It was just making sure to be careful, use the right positions, and not get carried away (me, anyway)
She also never bothered to see a gyno, or even mentioned anything to her doctor, afaik.🤷♀️
My now-wife has none of those "issues", likes it hard and deep, has multi-orgasms from clitoral stimulation, and her jaw opens wide
But she has 1/10th the sex drive my ex wife did, lol. Can't win 'em all!
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3,949 Posts
My wife waited until marriage as well, she didn’t even use tampons because they hurt to put in.
It was about a month after our wedding that there wasn’t any more pain. We just took it slow and easy until she started enjoying it.
The difference is, your wife isn’t even trying. The reasons for this that I have seen on this and other forums is this. The wife had cheated on her husband and doesn’t want to cheat on her affair partner, she caught something and doesn’t want to give it to her husband or she had a relationship before your arranged marriage and doesn’t want to cheat on the guy she actually loves.
It doesn’t mean she had sex with someone else. If she loves someone other then you, she isn’t going to want to even try to have sex with you.
It was about a month after our wedding that there wasn’t any more pain. We just took it slow and easy until she started enjoying it.
The difference is, your wife isn’t even trying. The reasons for this that I have seen on this and other forums is this. The wife had cheated on her husband and doesn’t want to cheat on her affair partner, she caught something and doesn’t want to give it to her husband or she had a relationship before your arranged marriage and doesn’t want to cheat on the guy she actually loves.
It doesn’t mean she had sex with someone else. If she loves someone other then you, she isn’t going to want to even try to have sex with you.
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5,375 Posts
Generally speaking sex should not be painful. There is however the exception of loosing one's virginity in that it is fairly known that it can be painful/uncomfortable. But in a marriage this discomfort is easily overcome as the joy of sex and a desire to please one another is rather strong.
Having a baby is also well known to be painful. Generally speaking women are more than willing to have a second child after experiencing the pain of the first pregnancy. They do this because the desire to create a loving family is strong.
And there are some folks that don't enjoy sex and others that don't want children. Generally speaking this is often associated with some sort of trauma that has not been confronted.
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7,544 Posts
Omg. Dude, you have the worst luck in history. The combination of traits your first wife had was just so bad that I laughed in pain.I have firsthand experience with this, and it sucks for both parties. Ex wife's vaginal canal was.. shallow, I guess? Not uncommon. But hitting the cervix is painful. And for me, making sure I DON'T kind of takes a bit of the excitement away.
Not only that, but she had a hyper-sensitive clit, as in painful for her when she was aroused.
AND, she had TMJ, so her jaw would lock if she opened her mouth too wide, for too long. So that took care of that part of sex...
Ironically enough, she had a pretty healthy sex drive, so there wasn't a lack of it. It was just making sure to be careful, use the right positions, and not get carried away (me, anyway)
She also never bothered to see a gyno, or even mentioned anything to her doctor, afaik.🤷♀️
My now-wife has none of those "issues", likes it hard and deep, has multi-orgasms from clitoral stimulation, and her jaw opens wide
But you’re possibly right, I had an encounter with a woman that had a “shallow“ one. She wouldn’t do anything but on top so she could control it all. At least warned me first. Yeah. No more dates after that. Waiting for sex until marriage can be a huge disappointment, I’d imagine. .
It’s not like I had a foot long hotdog. A very few ladies in the population are just didn’t win the vagina gene lottery, as have some men. It’s a shame.
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40 Posts
Oh, it gets better - no on top, bad hips, too. Took us a few years to figure things out. Her lying down face-first, and flat seemed to work. Then we discovered our armless chaise (google it if you don't know what it is!) was even better. Then it was 10 years of pretty much only living room, face-down sex after that, lol. I recommend an armless chaise for everyone's bedroom, however.
Given the differing experiences with my ex wife and my current in regards to sex, I'd take my current any day (for a lot of other reasons, too!). A low sex drive but the ability and willingness to do pretty much anything? Yes please. 2-3x a month of great sex is better than 5-6x a week of whatever was happening previously lol! She kept the chaise after the divorce!
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7,544 Posts
I wonder if this "fairly known" concept of pain in loosing one's virginity has anything at all to do with virginity itself or whether it is more of an issue of fumbling teenagers that don't know what they're doing and inept male lovers that are just trying to cram it in the moment they get the panties off without the proper warm up.
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