Talk About Marriage banner
21 - 39 of 39 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
42 Posts
So since it is a cultural thing...back in your native culture...after marriage isn't is assumed that the wife WILL have sex with the husband freely? If so, how about her mother talking to her about it? Family pressure, and them pointing out that her behavior is abnormal, might do the trick!
I'm not so sure guilting her into it, never mind having a third party do it, is the answer...
 

· Registered
Joined
·
4,030 Posts
We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We are now based in US but come from a country where sex topics are taboos and many girls prefers to stay virgin before getting married. That’s what happened with us. My wife decided that she would be virgin till married and I respected that. We would make out but never really had sex or talk about it openly. After we got married we had to do long distance relationship for a year or so because of visa situation. So essentially we started living together for first time before 4 years. The thing is we never did the penetrative sex, I realized after the wedding that my wife doesn’t really have interest in sex. When we tried to have penetrative sex first time, she said it pains too much and it continued every time we tried. After she moved to US with me i took her to gynecologist multiple times but she would never follow any suggestions given by doctor. Our non-penetrative sex life is also non existent. I gave up putting any efforts couple of years back and now we just sleep on our corners of the bed. This is depressing and whenever i try to bring up the topic, she just changes the topic or start crying. I think I realized that either she doesn’t like me anymore or she is just not interested in sex. I don’t think i can spend all my life without sex. Is there any hope or divorce is the only option?
So you want sex because it feels good. She has no interest because it actually hurts. She doesn't understand the good feeling. From her perspective I'm sure she feels broken and ashamed as she knows she is supposed to have sex.

What did the doctor tell her? What is the cause of the pain?
 

· Banned
Joined
·
3,057 Posts
I'm not so sure guilting her into it, never mind having a third party do it, is the answer...
excuse my xenophobic response, but family guilt is HOW THEY DO IT in other countries. If mom and dad, or grandma put the hurt on you.....your life is ruined in those cultures.

now that assumes mom WANTS her to stay married to the OP, or there is so much shame in her divorcing to the entire family that mom wants her to stay married.

it is a force he needs to apply.
besides, doesn't TAM always say "expose the cheater to the family"?
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
5,249 Posts
So you want sex because it feels good. She has no interest because it actually hurts. She doesn't understand the good feeling. From her perspective I'm sure she feels broken and ashamed as she knows she is supposed to have sex.

What did the doctor tell her? What is the cause of the pain?
This is key. I can't blame her for not wanting sex if it is painful. It isn't a turn on for the man either. Nothing will make me lose an erection faster than when I cause some kind of pain in my wife during sex.

It sounds like she was given things to try by a gynecologist, but doesn't want to do them. It is hard to help someone that won't even listen to their doctor.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
42 Posts
This is key. I can't blame her for not wanting sex if it is painful. It isn't a turn on for the man either. Nothing will make me lose an erection faster than when I cause some kind of pain in my wife during sex.
I have firsthand experience with this, and it sucks for both parties. Ex wife's vaginal canal was.. shallow, I guess? Not uncommon. But hitting the cervix is painful. And for me, making sure I DON'T kind of takes a bit of the excitement away.

Not only that, but she had a hyper-sensitive clit, as in painful for her when she was aroused.

AND, she had TMJ, so her jaw would lock if she opened her mouth too wide, for too long. So that took care of that part of sex...

Ironically enough, she had a pretty healthy sex drive, so there wasn't a lack of it. It was just making sure to be careful, use the right positions, and not get carried away (me, anyway)

She also never bothered to see a gyno, or even mentioned anything to her doctor, afaik.🤷‍♀️

My now-wife has none of those "issues", likes it hard and deep, has multi-orgasms from clitoral stimulation, and her jaw opens wide :) But she has 1/10th the sex drive my ex wife did, lol. Can't win 'em all!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
4,943 Posts
My wife waited until marriage as well, she didn’t even use tampons because they hurt to put in.

It was about a month after our wedding that there wasn’t any more pain. We just took it slow and easy until she started enjoying it.

The difference is, your wife isn’t even trying. The reasons for this that I have seen on this and other forums is this. The wife had cheated on her husband and doesn’t want to cheat on her affair partner, she caught something and doesn’t want to give it to her husband or she had a relationship before your arranged marriage and doesn’t want to cheat on the guy she actually loves.

It doesn’t mean she had sex with someone else. If she loves someone other then you, she isn’t going to want to even try to have sex with you.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
5,406 Posts
When we tried to have penetrative sex first time, she said it pains too much and it continued every time we tried.
Generally speaking sex should not be painful. There is however the exception of loosing one's virginity in that it is fairly known that it can be painful/uncomfortable. But in a marriage this discomfort is easily overcome as the joy of sex and a desire to please one another is rather strong.

Having a baby is also well known to be painful. Generally speaking women are more than willing to have a second child after experiencing the pain of the first pregnancy. They do this because the desire to create a loving family is strong.

And there are some folks that don't enjoy sex and others that don't want children. Generally speaking this is often associated with some sort of trauma that has not been confronted.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
10,207 Posts
I have firsthand experience with this, and it sucks for both parties. Ex wife's vaginal canal was.. shallow, I guess? Not uncommon. But hitting the cervix is painful. And for me, making sure I DON'T kind of takes a bit of the excitement away.

Not only that, but she had a hyper-sensitive clit, as in painful for her when she was aroused.

AND, she had TMJ, so her jaw would lock if she opened her mouth too wide, for too long. So that took care of that part of sex...

Ironically enough, she had a pretty healthy sex drive, so there wasn't a lack of it. It was just making sure to be careful, use the right positions, and not get carried away (me, anyway)

She also never bothered to see a gyno, or even mentioned anything to her doctor, afaik.🤷‍♀️

My now-wife has none of those "issues", likes it hard and deep, has multi-orgasms from clitoral stimulation, and her jaw opens wide :) But she has 1/10th the sex drive my ex wife did, lol. Can't win 'em all!
Omg. Dude, you have the worst luck in history. The combination of traits your first wife had was just so bad that I laughed in pain.

But you’re possibly right, I had an encounter with a woman that had a “shallow“ one. She wouldn’t do anything but on top so she could control it all. At least warned me first. Yeah. No more dates after that. Waiting for sex until marriage can be a huge disappointment, I’d imagine. .
It’s not like I had a foot long hotdog. A very few ladies in the population are just didn’t win the vagina gene lottery, as have some men. It’s a shame.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
42 Posts
Omg. Dude, you have the worst luck in history. The combination of traits your first wife had was just so bad that I laughed in pain.

But you’re possibly right, I had an encounter with a woman that had a “shallow“ one. She wouldn’t do anything but on top so she could control it all. At least warned me first. Yeah. No more dates after that. Waiting for sex until marriage can be a huge disappointment, I’d imagine. .
It’s not like I had a foot long hotdog. A very few ladies in the population are just didn’t win the vagina gene lottery, as have some men. It’s a shame.
Oh, it gets better - no on top, bad hips, too. Took us a few years to figure things out. Her lying down face-first, and flat seemed to work. Then we discovered our armless chaise (google it if you don't know what it is!) was even better. Then it was 10 years of pretty much only living room, face-down sex after that, lol. I recommend an armless chaise for everyone's bedroom, however.

Given the differing experiences with my ex wife and my current in regards to sex, I'd take my current any day (for a lot of other reasons, too!). A low sex drive but the ability and willingness to do pretty much anything? Yes please. 2-3x a month of great sex is better than 5-6x a week of whatever was happening previously lol! She kept the chaise after the divorce!
 

· Registered
Joined
·
10,207 Posts
Oh, it gets better - no on top, bad hips, too. Took us a few years to figure things out. Her lying down face-first, and flat seemed to work. Then we discovered our armless chaise (google it if you don't know what it is!) was even better. Then it was 10 years of pretty much only living room, face-down sex after that, lol. I recommend an armless chaise for everyone's bedroom, however.

Given the differing experiences with my ex wife and my current in regards to sex, I'd take my current any day (for a lot of other reasons, too!). A low sex drive but the ability and willingness to do pretty much anything? Yes please. 2-3x a month of great sex is better than 5-6x a week of whatever was happening previously lol! She kept the chaise after the divorce!
[/QUOTE

🤭😆😆😆
 

· Registered
Joined
·
9,657 Posts
Generally speaking sex should not be painful. There is however the exception of loosing one's virginity in that it is fairly known that it can be painful/uncomfortable.
I wonder if this "fairly known" concept of pain in loosing one's virginity has anything at all to do with virginity itself or whether it is more of an issue of fumbling teenagers that don't know what they're doing and inept male lovers that are just trying to cram it in the moment they get the panties off without the proper warm up.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We are now based in US but come from a country where sex topics are taboos and many girls prefers to stay virgin before getting married. That’s what happened with us. My wife decided that she would be virgin till married and I respected that. We would make out but never really had sex or talk about it openly. After we got married we had to do long distance relationship for a year or so because of visa situation. So essentially we started living together for first time before 4 years. The thing is we never did the penetrative sex, I realized after the wedding that my wife doesn’t really have interest in sex. When we tried to have penetrative sex first time, she said it pains too much and it continued every time we tried. After she moved to US with me i took her to gynecologist multiple times but she would never follow any suggestions given by doctor. Our non-penetrative sex life is also non existent. I gave up putting any efforts couple of years back and now we just sleep on our corners of the bed. This is depressing and whenever i try to bring up the topic, she just changes the topic or start crying. I think I realized that either she doesn’t like me anymore or she is just not interested in sex. I don’t think i can spend all my life without sex. Is there any hope or divorce is the only option?
I recently went through this 2021. My wife and I dated for 6 years and have been married for 6 years. Sex was always a thing that would pop up in arguments on my end. We would go through phases were I felt we weren’t having enough sex sometimes it would be once a month. We are both turning 30 this year so I found it weird being young and in a sexless marriage. I ended up feeling like I was ready to look for someone outside of the marriage to fulfill my sexual needs but I knew I owed it to my wife to let her know how I felt. We started doing couples therapy and it turns out there’s been so much miscommunication in our marriage. She finally understood whatsex meant to me and how I had been feeling rejected for so long. She understood that after our first kid there was no balance of mom and wife. And I also realized I never really spoke her love language. She also grew up in a veryreligious home were sex was always talked about in a negative andsinful way. After 2 months of couples therapy things started to change. I also had to make adjustments and meet her half way on the things she needs from me. I would only consider divorce when you’ve actually had the big conversations and when you’ve been completely vulnerable and still feel rejected. I think y’all both deserve a chance to fix what’s been broken and a lot of it starts with better communication. We have sex twice a week while raising a toddler and a 9 month old at the moment. And now when we have those though weeks that we genuinely couldn’t find the time for its really not that big of a deal cause I know the effort that is being out in by both of us.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,463 Posts
I recently went through this 2021. My wife and I dated for 6 years and have been married for 6 years. Sex was always a thing that would pop up in arguments on my end. We would go through phases were I felt we weren’t having enough sex sometimes it would be once a month. We are both turning 30 this year so I found it weird being young and in a sexless marriage. I ended up feeling like I was ready to look for someone outside of the marriage to fulfill my sexual needs but I knew I owed it to my wife to let her know how I felt. We started doing couples therapy and it turns out there’s been so much miscommunication in our marriage. She finally understood whatsex meant to me and how I had been feeling rejected for so long. She understood that after our first kid there was no balance of mom and wife. And I also realized I never really spoke her love language. She also grew up in a veryreligious home were sex was always talked about in a negative andsinful way. After 2 months of couples therapy things started to change. I also had to make adjustments and meet her half way on the things she needs from me. I would only consider divorce when you’ve actually had the big conversations and when you’ve been completely vulnerable and still feel rejected. I think y’all both deserve a chance to fix what’s been broken and a lot of it starts with better communication. We have sex twice a week while raising a toddler and a 9 month old at the moment. And now when we have those though weeks that we genuinely couldn’t find the time for its really not that big of a deal cause I know the effort that is being out in by both of us.
Congratulations, my wife was in many respects an older version of your wife. After our kids left the nest to go to college, our marriage started to go down hill quickly. I reached my limit with the resulting sex starved marriage. We too were helped by a Sex Therapist and marriage counselor. Now we have a solid marriage again.

Again, well done. Yes, marriage should really be about commitment and that means trying to fix it before just leaving.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
5,249 Posts
I recently went through this 2021. My wife and I dated for 6 years and have been married for 6 years. Sex was always a thing that would pop up in arguments on my end. We would go through phases were I felt we weren’t having enough sex sometimes it would be once a month. We are both turning 30 this year so I found it weird being young and in a sexless marriage. I ended up feeling like I was ready to look for someone outside of the marriage to fulfill my sexual needs but I knew I owed it to my wife to let her know how I felt. We started doing couples therapy and it turns out there’s been so much miscommunication in our marriage. She finally understood whatsex meant to me and how I had been feeling rejected for so long. She understood that after our first kid there was no balance of mom and wife. And I also realized I never really spoke her love language. She also grew up in a veryreligious home were sex was always talked about in a negative andsinful way. After 2 months of couples therapy things started to change. I also had to make adjustments and meet her half way on the things she needs from me. I would only consider divorce when you’ve actually had the big conversations and when you’ve been completely vulnerable and still feel rejected. I think y’all both deserve a chance to fix what’s been broken and a lot of it starts with better communication. We have sex twice a week while raising a toddler and a 9 month old at the moment. And now when we have those though weeks that we genuinely couldn’t find the time for its really not that big of a deal cause I know the effort that is being out in by both of us.
This is how it is supposed to work. A key component that I see here is that BOTH of you were willing to change for the sake of the other and the marriage. It won't work if it is one sided. Everything in a marriage needs to be a team effort.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
4,857 Posts
We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We are now based in US but come from a country where sex topics are taboos and many girls prefers to stay virgin before getting married. That’s what happened with us. My wife decided that she would be virgin till married and I respected that. We would make out but never really had sex or talk about it openly. After we got married we had to do long distance relationship for a year or so because of visa situation. So essentially we started living together for first time before 4 years. The thing is we never did the penetrative sex, I realized after the wedding that my wife doesn’t really have interest in sex. When we tried to have penetrative sex first time, she said it pains too much and it continued every time we tried. After she moved to US with me i took her to gynecologist multiple times but she would never follow any suggestions given by doctor. Our non-penetrative sex life is also non existent. I gave up putting any efforts couple of years back and now we just sleep on our corners of the bed. This is depressing and whenever i try to bring up the topic, she just changes the topic or start crying. I think I realized that either she doesn’t like me anymore or she is just not interested in sex. I don’t think i can spend all my life without sex. Is there any hope or divorce is the only option?
You have not consumated the marriage. Get it annulled.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
absolutely a waste of time, with your wife's stupid religious background, that's no basis for marriage.

when I met my wife for the first time, we were already in bed 1 hour later and had sex in the hotel and have been together for 8 years now

Not having sex with my wife for more than 2 days in a row in 8 years is very rare.

Find a woman with no stupid religious background and sexual experience
 
21 - 39 of 39 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top