Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 39 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We are now based in US but come from a country where sex topics are taboos and many girls prefers to stay virgin before getting married. That’s what happened with us. My wife decided that she would be virgin till married and I respected that. We would make out but never really had sex or talk about it openly. After we got married we had to do long distance relationship for a year or so because of visa situation. So essentially we started living together for first time before 4 years. The thing is we never did the penetrative sex, I realized after the wedding that my wife doesn’t really have interest in sex. When we tried to have penetrative sex first time, she said it pains too much and it continued every time we tried. After she moved to US with me i took her to gynecologist multiple times but she would never follow any suggestions given by doctor. Our non-penetrative sex life is also non existent. I gave up putting any efforts couple of years back and now we just sleep on our corners of the bed. This is depressing and whenever i try to bring up the topic, she just changes the topic or start crying. I think I realized that either she doesn’t like me anymore or she is just not interested in sex. I don’t think i can spend all my life without sex. Is there any hope or divorce is the only option?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,557 Posts
We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We are now based in US but come from a country where sex topics are taboos and many girls prefers to stay virgin before getting married. That’s what happened with us. My wife decided that she would be virgin till married and I respected that. We would make out but never really had sex or talk about it openly. After we got married we had to do long distance relationship for a year or so because of visa situation. So essentially we started living together for first time before 4 years. The thing is we never did the penetrative sex, I realized after the wedding that my wife doesn’t really have interest in sex. When we tried to have penetrative sex first time, she said it pains too much and it continued every time we tried. After she moved to US with me i took her to gynecologist multiple times but she would never follow any suggestions given by doctor. Our non-penetrative sex life is also non existent. I gave up putting any efforts couple of years back and now we just sleep on our corners of the bed. This is depressing and whenever i try to bring up the topic, she just changes the topic or start crying. I think I realized that either she doesn’t like me anymore or she is just not interested in sex. I don’t think i can spend all my life without sex. Is there any hope or divorce is the only option?
Ummm.... Sex is part of marriage so she's really not grown up enough to handle it, obviously.

I'm assuming you don't want to be a eunuch and probably want kids which both require sex and it takes a grown ass woman to have sex with her husband.

You need to toss your wife back because she is too small to keep. Time to go fishing again and make sure the next one is big enough to keep.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,566 Posts
We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We are now based in US but come from a country where sex topics are taboos and many girls prefers to stay virgin before getting married. That’s what happened with us. My wife decided that she would be virgin till married and I respected that. We would make out but never really had sex or talk about it openly. After we got married we had to do long distance relationship for a year or so because of visa situation. So essentially we started living together for first time before 4 years. The thing is we never did the penetrative sex, I realized after the wedding that my wife doesn’t really have interest in sex. When we tried to have penetrative sex first time, she said it pains too much and it continued every time we tried. After she moved to US with me i took her to gynecologist multiple times but she would never follow any suggestions given by doctor. Our non-penetrative sex life is also non existent. I gave up putting any efforts couple of years back and now we just sleep on our corners of the bed. This is depressing and whenever i try to bring up the topic, she just changes the topic or start crying. I think I realized that either she doesn’t like me anymore or she is just not interested in sex. I don’t think i can spend all my life without sex. Is there any hope or divorce is the only option?
I have read that after 10 years of attempted talks, they usually come around to it and turn into nymphomaniacs.
Sorry OP,
There’s really not much you can do but divorce or get sex elsewhere.
If you ever do get to have sex with her, inadvise against getting her pregnant because at that point, you’re the one that’s really screwed.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,817 Posts
We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We are now based in US but come from a country where sex topics are taboos and many girls prefers to stay virgin before getting married. That’s what happened with us. My wife decided that she would be virgin till married and I respected that. We would make out but never really had sex or talk about it openly. After we got married we had to do long distance relationship for a year or so because of visa situation. So essentially we started living together for first time before 4 years. The thing is we never did the penetrative sex, I realized after the wedding that my wife doesn’t really have interest in sex. When we tried to have penetrative sex first time, she said it pains too much and it continued every time we tried. After she moved to US with me i took her to gynecologist multiple times but she would never follow any suggestions given by doctor. Our non-penetrative sex life is also non existent. I gave up putting any efforts couple of years back and now we just sleep on our corners of the bed. This is depressing and whenever i try to bring up the topic, she just changes the topic or start crying. I think I realized that either she doesn’t like me anymore or she is just not interested in sex. I don’t think i can spend all my life without sex. Is there any hope or divorce is the only option?
Many women have bad messages fed to them about how good women should be and they have difficulty getting past that messaging once they become wives.
You may the counselling services of a sex counsellor about how to get her comfortable about having sex and how that does not make her a dirty woman.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,690 Posts
Many women have bad messages fed to them about how good women should be and they have difficulty getting past that messaging once they become wives.
You may the counselling services of a sex counsellor about how to get her comfortable about having sex and how that does not make her a dirty woman.
Never going to happen... it’s burned in permanent. She is just as much a victim of her upbringing as he is a participant in a sexless marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,056 Posts
i guess i am having a hard time understanding why a young woman would not want sex.
In the USA, sex is all the young people talk about! 24/7!

but if that is how she was brought up....i guess her mind is damaged into thinking sex is somehow bad.

How do you go about changing THAT? I am not so sure.
So since it is a cultural thing...back in your native culture...after marriage isn't is assumed that the wife WILL have sex with the husband freely? If so, how about her mother talking to her about it? Family pressure, and them pointing out that her behavior is abnormal, might do the trick!

also, you really have to man-up here. i personally would never marry a woman i have not had sex with first. but i def would not have gone YEARS without sex. Demand it. who cares if she cries. Reason with her that sex is a requirement of the marriage, and if she is unwillilng to provide it, then the marriage is essentially over. You will send her packing, alone, and with NO SUPPORT.

Maybe also buy some books on modern sexual methods. Books written by women for women. maybe some of the ladies her can recommend good ones. Have her read these books so that she realizes everyone is having sex here, and it is the norm.

good luck, you are going to need it
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,558 Posts
i guess i am having a hard time understanding why a young woman would not want sex.
In the USA, sex is all the young people talk about! 24/7!

but if that is how she was brought up....i guess her mind is damaged into thinking sex is somehow bad.

How do you go about changing THAT? I am not so sure.
So since it is a cultural thing...back in your native culture...after marriage isn't is assumed that the wife WILL have sex with the husband freely? If so, how about her mother talking to her about it? Family pressure, and them pointing out that her behavior is abnormal, might do the trick!

also, you really have to man-up here. i personally would never marry a woman i have not had sex with first. but i def would not have gone YEARS without sex. Demand it. who cares if she cries. Reason with her that sex is a requirement of the marriage, and if she is unwillilng to provide it, then the marriage is essentially over. You will send her packing, alone, and with NO SUPPORT.

Maybe also buy some books on modern sexual methods. Books written by women for women. maybe some of the ladies her can recommend good ones. Have her read these books so that she realizes everyone is having sex here, and it is the norm.

good luck, you are going to need it
He never said she didn't want sex. Just not as much as he does.
He never said she thinks sex is bad. For some once a week suits them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,056 Posts
He never said she didn't want sex. Just not as much as he does.
He never said she thinks sex is bad. For some once a week suits them.
OP said: " Our non-penetrative sex life is also non existent. I gave up putting any efforts couple of years back "

that pretty much sounds like NEVER to me!

i would not stand for it. neither should he.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,558 Posts
OP said: " Our non-penetrative sex life is also non existent. I gave up putting any efforts couple of years back "

that pretty much sounds like NEVER to me!

i would not stand for it. neither should he.
I appologise. I was getting this thread confused with the other new thread where they have sex once a week.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,641 Posts
Never going to happen... it’s burned in permanent. She is just as much a victim of her upbringing as he is a participant in a sexless marriage.
Not true. She has the ability to move past her upbringing, grow, and change her outlook.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,486 Posts
We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We ....come from a country where sex topics are taboos and many girls prefers to stay virgin before getting married.

...... The thing is we never did the penetrative sex, I realized after the wedding that my wife doesn’t really have interest in sex.

....... i took her to gynecologist multiple times but she would never follow any suggestions given by doctor.

....... I gave up putting any efforts couple of years back and now we just sleep on our corners of the bed. This is depressing and whenever i try to bring up the topic, she just changes the topic or start crying. I think I realized that either she doesn’t like me anymore or she is just not interested in sex. I don’t think i can spend all my life without sex. Is there any hope or divorce is the only option?
Talker67 gave you some good advice about talking to either her mother or a close family member.

Yes, there is hope and options to reintroduce sex into your marriage. My suggestion would be to see if your wife understands that this is a problem for the two of you. If she can admit it is a problem (since see changes the topic or cries, she probably realizes it is a big problem and one that she plays a bid role in), then ask to have marriage counseling sessions to help work through this problem. A Board Certified Sex Therapist is a marriage counselor with extra training in helping people with sexual problems. Get the help of a Board Certified Sex Therapist for your marriage counseling. In looking for the right one, see if there is one who has experience with people from your wife's cultural background.

Based on your posts, if this is really a cultural thing on the part of your wife, it is probably not a unique problem only to your wife. That is why advice from her family or a woman of her culture that she respects might be very helpful. Also are there any father figures to you or mentors from that culture that could give you advice on what to do. I would expect lots of marriage help books in the language of your culture on sexually disfunctional marriages and how to repair them.

As I see it you have two problems. The first is that you have helped enable the current situation. Not talking about sex before marriage, not establishing expectations about sex in marriage, and then spending the early part of your marriage in a long distance relationship are all things you contributed to this problem. I generally believe that in a marriage it takes actions by both partners to wreck a marriage and it also takes commitment by both to rebuild a marriage. Your emotionally checking out of the relationship also has not helped.

The second problem is getting your wife to want to fix your marriage problems, and I suspect that there is more than one and they are not all sex related.

I was in a sex starved marriage and with the help of a sex therapist my wife and I now have a loving sexual relationship, so there are alternatives to divorce.

You are going to have to fix the problems you contributed to the current situation, apologize to your wife for your contributions and then work with her to the extent she wants to improve your marriage.

Good luck.
 
1 - 20 of 39 Posts
Top