how do i stop the fighting

2757 Views 14 Replies 14 Participants Last post by heavensangel, Nov 17, 2012

bathoffire

Discussion Starter · Oct 23, 2012

i sick of fighting my wife however if we disagree I feel the i'm only heard if we fight. Even if she knows she is wrong it has to be a fight. I don't think i do this. She has disagreed with me about things and i listeN. If I know she is right i say i'm sorry and try to change things.

If i disagree with her even if she knows she is wrong, she has to run down every environmental factor that lead her to her decision and everything i could have done to resolve this sooner. If i don't go through this torture the conversation is dropped and she does/says whatever she wants.

why? how do i get it to change?

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Juicer

· #2 · Oct 23, 2012

Long building resentment.

My wife and I fight all the time. (long story)
But do we hold it over each other for days at at time?
No. She apologizes, and squeezes as much sex out of me as she can. Makes me completely forget what we are arguing about. lol.

Sounds like you two are having some out standing issue. Are you emotionally open to her? Are you talking with her? Are you two still intimate? Or was the last time you two had some couple time several weeks ago? That isn't healthy.

You need to talk, and NOT do it in a confrontational, 'what the hell is wrong with you' manner. You need to approach it in a loving, I want to make this work, manner.

BadAdvice

· #3 · Oct 24, 2012

I would suggest when ever she is making a point, put your hands over your ears and just yell "Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah"

I did this to my sister when I was 6 and she totally got fed up and let me have the last pudding pop.

Reactions: 2

scione

· #4 · Oct 24, 2012

Do you want to be right? or Do you want to be happy?

MEM2020

· #5 · Oct 25, 2012

When you know she is wrong you say why one time. One time.

She argues - you say 'I disagree'
And if she starts to talk you hold up your hand and say conversation is over. And if she tries to force it you walk away.

And then don't resume communication until she apologizes.

Reactions: 1

Memento

· #6 · Oct 25, 2012

Sounds to me that you have some resentment issues going on. Did you ever try to talk about things that really hurt each other and never healed properly?
I know that most men find difficult to talk about feelings and emotions, but one of the pillars of a good marriage is the ability to communicate with one another.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

· #7 · Oct 25, 2012

Don't ever raise your voice. Keep talking to her in a calm way. Hopefully after a while, she'll calm down too. I don't know though, some people like to yell and argue all the time! There are some people who have anger issue and need help redirecting their anger instead of taking it out on their spouse or children.

In the last 13 years I've heard my husband yell once. It wasn't at me, but a kid that ran over our daughter with a motorized scooter after he was told not to come near us.

My husband and I do not fight. We've argued maybe twice in our entire marriage. Only because he was stressed to the max and things were changing at work. My husband is always patient and calm. This has really helped me become a more patient and calm person as well.

My ex h was a different story. He and I fought everyday. However, this was different. He was always putting me down calling me names and telling me how worthless I was. I always stood up for myself and never believed him. It was to the point where he was verbally abusive.

I'm like you, I hate fighting. My husband and I talk through everything and can easily compromise. He was raised in a calm environment. I was not. I grew up at my mother always yelling and screaming. I hated it and I never wanted to follow her example.

Good luck. I hope you find a way to live a more peaceful way of living.

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Cee Paul

· #8 · Oct 25, 2012

bathoffire said:
i sick of fighting my wife however if we disagree I feel the i'm only heard if we fight. Even if she knows she is wrong it has to be a fight. I don't think i do this. She has disagreed with me about things and i listeN. If I know she is right i say i'm sorry and try to change things.

If i disagree with her even if she knows she is wrong, she has to run down every environmental factor that lead her to her decision and everything i could have done to resolve this sooner. If i don't go through this torture the conversation is dropped and she does/says whatever she wants.

why? how do i get it to change?

Welcome to my world and over the past year or so my wife and I have had serious arguments at least 40 times or more, and we're both kind of hot tempered and don't fight fairly by taking rude personal shots at each other! It's gotten so bad that we have agreed to split after the holidays in January if it doesn't all dramatically improve.

45188

· #9 · Oct 25, 2012

You really need a good communication barrier but it's blocked by all the resentment. She thinks you're full of **** about everything right now.

Umoja

· #10 · Oct 25, 2012

I was really surprised by reading your words!! I have the very same situation!! No matter what the subject, I am always the catalyst for what is wrong, or the root of the issue.

My wife called me today to discuss something that was insulting to me. I kept quiet and just let her speak. She called me back an hour later to discuss it again. When I calmly expressed my view on the matter, she lashed out at me shredding my character, and personality. She brought up things that didn't even have to do with the conversation!

I didn't want to be verbally insulted any longer, so I just apologized for upsetting her, held my tongue, and politely ended the conversation. I don't want to talk to her for as long as I can hold out for. I am tired of the fighting and everything somehow ending up to be my fault.

FalconKing

· #11 · Oct 25, 2012

Umoja said:
I was really surprised by reading your words!! I have the very same situation!! No matter what the subject, I am always the catalyst for what is wrong, or the root of the issue.

My wife called me today to discuss something that was insulting to me. I kept quiet and just let her speak. She called me back an hour later to discuss it again. When I calmly expressed my view on the matter, she lashed out at me shredding my character, and personality. She brought up things that didn't even have to do with the conversation!

I didn't want to be verbally insulted any longer, so I just apologized for upsetting her, held my tongue, and politely ended the conversation. I don't want to talk to her for as long as I can hold out for. I am tired of the fighting and everything somehow ending up to be my fault.

The more you do this the worst it will get. I bet your wife wants your attention and she feels there is a need of hers you are not meeting(It could or could not be fair to you).

FalconKing

· #12 · Oct 25, 2012

bathoffire said:
i sick of fighting my wife however if we disagree I feel the i'm only heard if we fight. Even if she knows she is wrong it has to be a fight. I don't think i do this. She has disagreed with me about things and i listeN. If I know she is right i say i'm sorry and try to change things.

If i disagree with her even if she knows she is wrong, she has to run down every environmental factor that lead her to her decision and everything i could have done to resolve this sooner. If i don't go through this torture the conversation is dropped and she does/says whatever she wants.

why? how do i get it to change?

Hmmm.. it could be certain issue or a combination

Your wife sounds insecure and my have trouble showing you her faults. She could be wanting control in relationship. She can't seem to admit she is wrong and probably tries to challenge you on everything. She also may feel she doesn't get enough attention from you, or she has lost respect for you and is taking you for granted. How long have you guys been married? Who works more? How do you feel she contributes to the marriage? How do you feel you do?

NEM

· #13 · Nov 15, 2012

Umoja said:
I was really surprised by reading your words!! I have the very same situation!! No matter what the subject, I am always the catalyst for what is wrong, or the root of the issue.

My wife called me today to discuss something that was insulting to me. I kept quiet and just let her speak. She called me back an hour later to discuss it again. When I calmly expressed my view on the matter, she lashed out at me shredding my character, and personality. She brought up things that didn't even have to do with the conversation!

I didn't want to be verbally insulted any longer, so I just apologized for upsetting her, held my tongue, and politely ended the conversation. I don't want to talk to her for as long as I can hold out for. I am tired of the fighting and everything somehow ending up to be my fault.

I was once like you before, letting things go, let her win the arguments/discussions. Eventually she'll grow to disrespect you further if you let this continue. Unfortunately for me to have that kind of wife, your spouse might be more reasonable once you raise your point of view.

lilith23

· #14 · Nov 15, 2012

Umoja said:
I was really surprised by reading your words!! I have the very same situation!! No matter what the subject, I am always the catalyst for what is wrong, or the root of the issue.

My wife called me today to discuss something that was insulting to me. I kept quiet and just let her speak. She called me back an hour later to discuss it again. When I calmly expressed my view on the matter, she lashed out at me shredding my character, and personality. She brought up things that didn't even have to do with the conversation!

I didn't want to be verbally insulted any longer, so I just apologized for upsetting her, held my tongue, and politely ended the conversation. I don't want to talk to her for as long as I can hold out for. I am tired of the fighting and everything somehow ending up to be my fault.

The more you let it go that way, the worse she will get. If no one opposes her, she might not get how bad she's being. And then, she might also feel your passivity and get more irritated by it. Apologizing just for the sake of ending discussions and not really meaning it is a really bad thing. It's a mature thing to know how to compromise, but it's not very courageous if it's just for the sake of ending discussions and then not telling your partner about how you really feel.

heavensangel

· #15 · Nov 17, 2012

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:
Don't ever raise your voice. Keep talking to her in a calm way. Hopefully after a while, she'll calm down too. I don't know though, some people like to yell and argue all the time! There are some people who have anger issue and need help redirecting their anger instead of taking it out on their spouse or children.

In the last 13 years I've heard my husband yell once. It wasn't at me, but a kid that ran over our daughter with a motorized scooter after he was told not to come near us.

My husband and I do not fight. We've argued maybe twice in our entire marriage. Only because he was stressed to the max and things were changing at work. My husband is always patient and calm. This has really helped me become a more patient and calm person as well.

My ex h was a different story. He and I fought everyday. However, this was different. He was always putting me down calling me names and telling me how worthless I was. I always stood up for myself and never believed him. It was to the point where he was verbally abusive.

I'm like you, I hate fighting. My husband and I talk through everything and can easily compromise. He was raised in a calm environment. I was not. I grew up at my mother always yelling and screaming. I hated it and I never wanted to follow her example.

Good luck. I hope you find a way to live a more peaceful way of living.

Wow! I could have been the one writing this! Except for the part where she always stood up for herself in her 1st marriage. I did not do this until the last 3+ years - it took me really seeing what the turmoil was doing to my sons to finally take a stand.

Anyhow.... Staying calm in the fight/argument is key. That's the one way you'll be able to control it from your end. The calmer you appear, the calmer she may get (notice I said 'may'). My H has this gift, nothing seems to rile him. Most of the time, him doing this calms me and the interaction goes a lot smoother. You get a lot more accomplished when civil.

Stop engaging her. One of the things H says to me when I get over the top: 'I'm not talking to you while you're like this as I don't deserve to be treated this way!' You know what? This usually works! It makes me take a moment to consider my actions....and I take it down a notch. She will do this as well, IF she really wants to get anything resolved.

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