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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
separated from my wife 18 months and we have already been through 12 months of counseling. we have two beautiful girls under 5 - they are my sunshine. i had an affair when our youngest was still yet born. belatedly, i gave up the affair and tried to move on before my youngest was born - making many drastic changes to my life. 2 years on my wife's hate is stronger than ever. finally, i am faced with a problem: how do i stick around for them when she openly outwardly hates me ? how long must i suffer this hatred ?

for a long time (now 2 years since i told her about the affair) - i stuck by close not letting my ideal of a future happy family go. i was a stay-at-home-dad during this time and these were some of the best months of my life. but she hated and hated and hated. then the money that i had saved (i was previously a high-exec) started to dry up because she couldn't earn enough to make ends meet. i took a job offer in a different city and according to her there was no option to come with me. i miss my sunshine - and they don't understand, with the eldest repeatedly saying: "why is daddy coming home ?" and talking about going on an aeroplane to see her friends..,

part of me just wishes my wife would just go and leave us in peace. i am confident i would be able to manage well on my own as a single dad and hold down a steady job as well. - i know that sounds bad because i made the cardinal sin or whatever, but she is insane - its been two years ! she is the first to admit she wasn't exactly in to marriage from the beginning anyway - come to think of it i can't remember a time not being hated by my wife.

why do women get the power to choose; who do i love ? should i work, or shouldn't i ? why do men cop all the blame ? when all they want is a women that loves them, supports them and sticks by them and to have quality time to spend with his children.

kids listen in - a message from a loving father in-absent: its hard, nigh impossible to be a present father in a hateful marriage. i promise you i will try my best to exercise presence when i am around. you both, my beloved need to eat need an education so i won't be present very often as i need to work to provide these things for you. you'll likely go through anger and possibly hate me by the time your a teenager for not being around, (especially if you get brainwashed by all rubbish women speak about men) and that is ok, believe me i understand.. the bitter weight of women-speak is like dragging a ten-tonne-trailer around a parking lot. but please understand why i left, i left becuase it was up to me to provide and i left because i could not handle your mother's hate of me. i didn't take you with me because mother's are sacred and untouchable. hopefully you will have at least a comfortable childhood with the money i am providing to your mother, and if we are lucky you will have my presence from time to time and know your dad is someone you can always go to. that's the best i can do.
 

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Cheating has consequences.

What will you tell your daughters when their husbands cheat on them?
 
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Sahd - sucks that you are here. Humans make mistakes, that is part of being human. Some mistakes are larger than others. I've made mistakes. Some big ones, some little ones, but mistakes all the same. Mistakes are an immediate result of a choice. Humans have the ability to makes choices. And humans make good choices and humans make bad choices.

Over on my thread, "HardToHandle" posted a brief allegory about someone in his life explaining that life is nothing but choices and consequences. That resonates with me. I take it a step further. What you and I are living through and dealing with today (both the good and the bad) and what you and I will live through and deal with tomorrow are the consequences of choices that we made yesterday, a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, etc.

We can't ever run from consequences. And even more important to remember, calling a consequence "excessive" or "undeserved" . . . well, that isn't for us to decide either. The only thing that we can do is to learn from our choices (mistakes) and embrace the consequences as a crucial lesson and very uncomfortable reminder to never make the wrong choice again.

I'm no pro, I'm learning these lessons myself, but I think that the way we do so can define our character and make us better humans in the long run.

All the best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
What will you tell your daughters when their husbands cheat on them?
i hope i wouldn't interfere. i don't know what i would tell them if they sought my advise - its difficult seeing your kids in pain. i would probably tell them after the rawness was over, something like: "its easy to blame to get temporary relief from the pain - but sweetheart life is painful. don't hate your husband, hate will destroy you."
 

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i hope i wouldn't interfere. i don't know what i would tell them if they sought my advise - its difficult seeing your kids in pain. i would probably tell them after the rawness was over, something like: "its easy to blame to get temporary relief from the pain - but sweetheart life is painful. don't hate your husband, hate will destroy you."

You're not a particularly good dad. A good dad wouldn't have wrecked his daughters home over a skank and then whine about what a victim he is.

What have you done to demonstrate remorse for your affair? From the tone of your post you have none, and have the nerve to b!tch about bitter women! So since you did her the big fat favor of giving up your skank the least she can do is get over it? Rich.
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So let me make sure I understand what you're saying.

You had an affair while your wife was still pregnant with your first child. You gave up the affair and tried to move on, but you still sound disappointed that you had to give it up.

Your wife "hates you" and is "insane."

You can't understand why your wife feels the way she does, and she's ruining your idea of the "ideal family."

Frankly, she should have divorced you years ago and found a real man, not someone who wants their cake and eat it too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Frankly, she should have divorced you years ago and found a real man, not someone who wants their cake and eat it too.
Simple answer to a difficult time for us and our daughters, Nick. I am interested in any readers who see infidelity as aberrant behavour in humans. Hurtful yes, am I remorseful yes, should I spend the rest of my life hating myself as my ex-wife hates me - i don't think that helps anyone, least of all my daughters. Call me a bad dad, but do you think I could be truly there for my kids if I was absorbed in self-hatred for the rest of my days ? Grow up poster's - life is more complex than a cheating man and a poor women justified to be hateful for eternity..,
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
.

You had an affair while your wife was still pregnant with your first child. You gave up the affair and tried to move on, but you still sound disappointed that you had to give it up.
You don't understand and haven't even read my post. The affair took place whilst my second child was in utero. And no, I am not disappointed I gave her up - the choice brought me back to reality.
 

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Focusing on being a good dad and seeing your girls as much as possible is the way to go here.

Accept that your wife has good reason to be bitter, and be humble about what the betrayal did to her heart. Own your deceit and vow to never do that to anyone again.

Whether the marriage was good or bad before the cheating doesn't lessen the pain of being betrayed. It's like saying a subject at school was hard, so it's ok to cheat on the exam. It just isn't.

Yes it's best to move on when it's at this level, the children sense the tension and it does them no favours.
 

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Your primary mission is your relationship with your kids. They have eyes, ears, and brains of their own. As they grow, they will decide for themselves who and what you are, regardless of how your wife tries to influence their opinions.
It is difficult to overcome a mistake, especially a pretty huge one. Your betrayal of their mother was also a betrayal of your kids. Hindsight is always 20/20 but you had a chance to put your kids first and you chose another woman. Let's just be honest about that.
I suggest you determine to put your kids first from now on and not let anything or anyone sway you from that course. Your wife will make that difficult for a time but if you persist, your devotion to your kids will win.
In the long game, that is what is most important. Your decisions today will determine whether you are involved in their lives and in the lives of grandchildren and great grandchildren. Occupations will end. Adult relationships will probably come and go. Your kids and their descendants are forever and will probably be all you will really have in this world before you leave. Take your painful, but well-deserved licks, learn from them but don't let them define you. Focus on your kids and your obligations to them. The rest will take care of itself.
 

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Keep arguing for why you shouldn't be held fully accountable for your choices, and for why your choices shouldn't have consequences. Keep playing the victim card, I can see how well that's working for you.
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SAHD, you do not know your audience, whether it is your wife, or the posters on this board.
Many of us are the betrayed spouse, we've had our world ripped apart and destroyed by a selfish act. Many of us then had weeks, months, or years of lies by a wayward spouse to try to hide the infidelity. So we are not too receptive to a wayward who comes on here seeking sympathy. That is on us. You will not get sympathy, but you may get help.

It would appear from your post, that you also did not understand your spouse. While she was carrying YOUR CHILD, you broke the most critical vow, you betrayed her, and YOU destroyed the family she was growing. It was your choice.

Some couples can recover from infidelity but a true recover can take years. It requires complete honesty, complete transparency and true remorse by the wayward spouse. It takes as long as it takes. We don't know what happened in your case, but it sure sounds like you wanted her to "get over it already" and that is a sure sign that you were not really remorseful and did not attempt to appreciate the consequences of your actions.

Now you want to know why your family is being ripped apart. You know why. It is not because of your wife's hatred. She is not crazy.

If you honestly want to be a good father, then be there for your kids. If work moves you away, then phone them, text them, skype them. Do what ever is possible to remain in contact with them. Every vacation should be an effort to see them. Know what is going on when they are in school. Learn the names of their friends, make an effort. Never, never, never say a harsh word about your ex-wife to them. If you want to be an honorable father then when they are old enough to understand, admit you broke their mother's trust.

She may never forgive you.
 
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They have eyes, ears, and brains of their own. As they grow, they will decide for themselves who and what you are, regardless of how your wife tries to influence their opinions.
I disagree. As a 'victim' of parental alienation, a parent CAN enmesh with a child personality to the extent that the child takes on the hate one parent has for another and it's not healthy for the kids. If the OP can tell his kids he made a terrible mistake and hurt their mother deeply, which he truly regrets, but that he still loves his children very much and that will never change, I think the kids can separate his relationship with their mother from their relationship with him. I'm guessing they are still quite young.

I think you need to buy two copies of Divorce Poison and give one to her with the comment that you want to do what is best for the kids. I recommend it a LOT around here - because it teaches BOTH parents how to put the children first and how harmful it can be when parents fight.

I understand her rage - she hasn't processed your betrayal fully and there is no timeline for that. But it shouldn't carry over to the kids. They should be allowed to love both parents. It's natural for them to want to and they should not have to take sides.

I suggest you determine to put your kids first from now on and not let anything or anyone sway you from that course. Your wife will make that difficult for a time but if you persist, your devotion to your kids will win.

In the long game, that is what is most important. Your decisions today will determine whether you are involved in their lives and in the lives of grandchildren and great grandchildren. Occupations will end. Adult relationships will probably come and go. Your kids and their descendants are forever and will probably be all you will really have in this world before you leave. Take your painful, but well-deserved licks, learn from them but don't let them define you. Focus on your kids and your obligations to them. The rest will take care of itself.
This I agree with.
 

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So let me make sure I understand what you're saying.

You had an affair while your wife was still pregnant with your first child. You gave up the affair and tried to move on, but you still sound disappointed that you had to give it up.

Your wife "hates you" and is "insane."

You can't understand why your wife feels the way she does, and she's ruining your idea of the "ideal fami
ly."

Frankly, she should have divorced you years ago and found a real man, not someone who wants their cake and eat it too.
I agree. This justification of people who cheat is sickening. The other spouse should just get over it???

I would say that people like the OP should have this happen to them so the know what the hurt and betrayal feels like. However my experience has been that they are low in character anyway, hence why they never seem to understand why their cheated on spouse hurts. Sick
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks to each respondent, both negative and positive have been valuable for me to get back in my ex-wife shoes and understand in part the longevity of feelings of betrayal and hatred from her perspective. Given I need space from being hated for eternity I think the best thing is for me stay clear but try to also be an active father insofar as it is possible given my current worklife. Thanks again all.
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