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Discussion Starter #1
Have been separated from my wife of 19yrs for the past 8 months, in which time I fell in love (lust, infatuation?) with another woman. There was some infidelity on the wife's side a few years ago which I thought I was over. I broke it off with the other woman a month ago with no contact to try and save my family and marriage. It's been very hard, miss the OW. I have moved back in with the wife and we are going to marriage counseling in a few days. I am not attracted to my wife but I do love and care about her, she has been my friend for a long time and the mother of my 2 children. How do I go about rekindling some kind of attraction, sexual feelings for her? I'm sure MC will point us in the direction. She has been trying, dressing up, makeup, sexy clothes etc. but it just isn't there, which makes her sad that I don't want her. It's like something died inside me. I had great sex with the OW. It was new, I know. I wish I did feel that way for my wife, it would make my life, and her's, so much easier. Advice?
 

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What was the situation while you were separated - did you guys agree seeing other people was ok?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I asked for the separation, which had been impending for a while, she didn't want it. She was seeing some other guys basically to try and get over me, and because I was seeing OW. She was jealous. I was OK with that as I was really done and was going to file for divorce. I decided 19yrs deserved a chance to see. Besides I shouldn't be with someone even if we did wind up divorcing, I wouldn't be healed yet and not good for anyone relationship wise....me either.
 

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Do you know who your wife, is, truly is, not what you and family or others want her to be? I recently saw a Law&Order episode that blew my mind, upper class couple, husband had no idea who the wife was or all the stuff she was in. I went digging and wow, what i found in mine. Its like she is a new person to me now, as we shared all kinds of stuff, she told me i wouldn't like who she was. I dug and dug until i got it all, all her thoughts and desires. She is way out there, like BDSM, and all kinds of crazy stuff, well, i told her we would do it all together. She loved it and felt relevied, we have gotten so close sinse the, we are 13 years married, with 3 kids under 6. Its not easy, but as long as we are together. I am HD, but vanilla, she is a freak, but i juts found out, does it scare me no, shes my wife and is what it is. This is the kind of stuff that leads ti cheating and loosing each other. Not only do i love and care for her, but i know who she truly is and we do it all together. Hope this helps your situation some, hang in there, do to your wife what you did with the OW, dress her up, get her drunk, go on dates, open your hearts, the passion si there, find it, 19 years is a-lot to loose for a new vagina!:(
 

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So you're done with the marriage, you leave her and take up with OW, your wife gets mad about that and has a revenge relationship, then you decide to get back together. Why do you want to get back together?
 

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I'm wondering that too.

I wrote about the "after all those years" phenomenon in Stay In Love After All Those Years. You may find some of my tips there useful, though I'm not sure how useful they'll be when you aren't giving your loyalty to your wife but instead, to the memory of OW.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I agree, which is why I'm here at this juncture. We do know each other, better than anyone else, which sometimes I think is the problem. Married young, rebounds, 2 kids, very different but stuck through it, even when her mom was diagnosed w/ terminal lung cancer and she went off the deep end (which is when the affair happened). I'm Mr. Mom, extroverted, emotional, affectionate. She is less affectionate, introverted, not domestic, not in touch with her feelings (although much better since the separation and IC). She had been verbally abusive, unappreciative and didn't respect me. I know it takes 2, I know I played my own part (allowing for things, not sticking up for myself). She agrees with all I have said she did and how she was and has worked on changing some of her ways, which is why I am willing to give it a try. Thanks for your advice.
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
Well I wasn't mad about the revenge relationship, it wasn't really a relationship, but sex. I read a lot of statistics. Couples that have rushed into divorce and a lot of them, several years later, wishing they had tried harder and gone to MC. And others who were in my same boat that DID stay and try and came out the other end happier and more fulfilled. AND.... I love her. I just didn't like how she was treating me, behaving. Especially after I took her back after the affair with promises of making it up to me. Granted she had since been to IC and on meds for depression. I psycho-analyze everything, to a fault. Like I said, 19 yrs was too long to just throw away without making sure. And as for keeping a memory of OW, I know I have to let her go completely for it to work, but when you fall for someone and get a feeling you don't remember having, or are just made to feel like you are amazing again, it's like a drug, it feels good. It probably could've been anybody who was giving me what I wasn't getting. I am adult enough to know that THAT feeling would go Bye-Bye eventually as well, honeymoon period. Now that I have given it up for what I believe to be the right thing to do, doesn't mean that you don't go through certain withdrawls, especially if you really cared about them. Just saying it's been hard but I know it's the right decision.
 

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You saw the OW a month ago? I've read it takes 3 months min. go get over someone.
Affair sex is hard to forget, but it's a' fantasy' and it would fade into routine sex eventually in most cases if you got together on a permanent basis.
Don't stay with your wife if you don't love her in all ways, you do neither of you any favors by staying if you aren't happy. Maybe give it a year and see how you feel then.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
BTW my wife, at this point, post IC, tells me I did the right thing by leaving as we were arguing and generally not getting along, or happy in front of the kids.

So what I'm hearing is that I should go stay separated for another year, splitting the kids between the 2 houses and NOT stay and go to MC and see if we can solve some issues and maybe work on it, see if we can get something back between us. We do love each other. We've never said otherwise. We just fell OUT of love, the passion left, betrayal happened, the humdrum, life, 19yrs. Like friends now, comfortable. But is that enough? Maybe you were just saying keep trying for another year before I make a decision. I don't know, just looking for advice on maybe getting the spark and attraction back.
 

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Hi Slyr,

Others may not agree with me, but I heartily applaud your desire to find the spark again with your wife. It obviously hasn't been an easy 19 years, but seems like you both have a deep love for each other, even though you don't feel in love right now. Makes sense to try to rekindle that spark if you can IMHO.

You were asking for ideas to find your passion for your wife. A book we recommend at my workplace (Focus on the Family), came to mind as I read your post. Have you considered "The Love Dare"? It has 40 days of challenges to renew the spark for your wife. Or...another one that many have found helfpul, and it deals more specifically with marriages that have experienced affairs is called "Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After an Affair" by Gary/Mona Shriver.

So....my prayers are with you as you figure out what to do....hoping that you and your wife will not only survive this time, but will come out even stronger and more in love than ever before! Truly wish you the best!
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Hi Slyr,

Others may not agree with me, but I heartily applaud your desire to find the spark again with your wife. It obviously hasn't been an easy 19 years, but seems like you both have a deep love for each other, even though you don't feel in love right now. Makes sense to try to rekindle that spark if you can IMHO.

You were asking for ideas to find your passion for your wife. A book we recommend at my workplace (Focus on the Family), came to mind as I read your post. Have you considered "The Love Dare"? It has 40 days of challenges to renew the spark for your wife. Or...another one that many have found helfpul, and it deals more specifically with marriages that have experienced affairs is called "Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After an Affair" by Gary/Mona Shriver.

So....my prayers are with you as you figure out what to do....hoping that you and your wife will not only survive this time, but will come out even stronger and more in love than ever before! Truly wish you the best!
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Thank you casaloca for your support, and all others for their input. I wouldn't be on here if I didn't want to hear different opinions and I take all advice and weigh it, knowing that ultimately it's up to me to do what is best for me, and my family, with what is best for my kids being number one, whether it be staying together or being apart. Also knowing that only I can make myself happy, not any one person. I seem to have an issue there that I'm dealing with in IC. Happiness is relative.
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