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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am 37yr old male and have been married 12 years. We have two daughters together and until recently I thought I had a pretty good marriage. I found out with was having an emotional affair with an old high school friend for the past four months. She has stopped and we have started counseling.

She says that she really hasn't been happy for the past few years. She says that she doesn't feel a connection anymore. When we kiss or hug she doesn't feel anything. She loves me, but not in love but she wants to get the feeling back again or at least she says so.

She thinks I am a great Dad and a good husband most of the time but doesn't think I supported her emotionally in the past. I don't really agree with her opinion. She suffers from depression and sleeps a lot. She holds resentment towards me because of comments I would make and said she felt like I didn't undertand her depression. I feel like I tried but it is very hard living with someone who is depressed. She is on medication and I do love her so does anyone have suggestion on how to reconnect?

Sometimes I feel the more I try by being supportive and caring the more I push her away. I mean how can you try and love someone and treat them with appreciation when they don't have the same feelings?

Should I try to show her how much I love and care or should I back off and give some space?
 

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Be there for her, when she talks do you listen? Most of the time they need to talk and feel belittled if you try to fix things for them. If she is on medication then she is without a doubt depressed and often the medication makes her want/need to sleep more. If you haven't had depression then talk to your doctor or a councilor to learn more. I think what your wife is missing is empathy.

draconis
 

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I think what your wife is missing is empathy.
:iagree:
I can imagine your frustration with her depression if you do not suffer yourself. One thing to understand is she cannot 'snap out of it' and I'm sure more than anyone wishes she could. If you know she is having a bad day, that would be the best opportunity to be loving and caring towards her...offer her alone time and let her know you understand she is having a bad day.

I know when feeling depressed, one tends to want to sleep a lot but I am wondering if she is on meds if that is still normal? She might need to speak with a dr. about how she's been feeling as perhaps they need to adjust what she is taking? I don't have any experience with these types of medications but if they don't seem to be helping with her depression that might be an area to explore?
 

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Your situation is similar to what mine was nearly a year ago, sans the depression. Giving her support or space can be a tight wire to walk. You have an advantage here. She has told you what she is requiring from you. Understanding and empathy as suggested above. Give her both and really try to see her point of view but don’t dote on her. Be strong and confident for her. It will take time for her to reconnect to you. Get used to the less than passionate kisses. This won’t change over night. It can take a spouse a long time to find those feelings again. She has started on a great note in discontinuing contact with him. This will be crucial in her ability to come back to you as your wife. Give her time, love and support as you both go through this. Best of luck.
 

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I have to agree with Draconis. It is so easy to say we "listen" .

But I think one of the things so many of us are really missing is someone with whom we can really sound off to without fear of ridicule or appearing weak. We don't want advice. We want a big hug and a cup of tea. Empathy indeed!

I was just reading about mirroring and I think this technique could be really helpful. Basically you just begin by letting the other person talk and then paraphrasing what they have said back. In this way the other person knows you have heard them but also, by paraphrasing you have to carefully think about what they have really said. This helps you to understand them better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks everyone for the great advice. It supports what I've been thinking. Yesterday was a good day but there is a long way to go. It is tough knowing that the person you love isn't "in love" with you.
 
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