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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel so depressed. My husband has always been very self-absorbed. He says he doesn’t want a divorce and does not intend to file for a divorce ever, but doesn’t do anything toward improvement in our marriage. We have a 3y/o and 2y/o and I have two older girls and he has an older daughter. Our three older girls have grown up together and are so close.

I feel like I have no choice, but to file for divorce. I know this is no marriage and I know for my mental and physical wellbeing I can no longer continue in this marriage. I just cannot understand how my husband can say he doesn’t want to file for divorce, but makes no positive actions toward improvement. He says we need to talk about our marriage, but each night after the kids go to bed he goes to the guest room and sleeps. But if his friends call he will run and hang out with them until 11-12 at night during the week. Last night he was hanging out with them until 11:00. When he got home I wanted to talk, but he said it was late and he wanted to go to bed. I don’t understand why he can carve out time to hang out with friends so much, but whenever I want to talk about our marriage or our future he is tired or busy or it’s not a good time, etc.


I started to jot down in my nightly journaling what we both did each day to get a better idea of just how much he is around and noticed that last month on 6 occasions during the week, he went out after supper (or didn’t even bother to come home after work) and didn’t get home until after I had went to bed. Last weekend he went out to the bars with some of his family and friends and didn’t even come home. He behaves as if he does no wrong. He even told me he is “really angry” with ME because of my attitude I have had since he did it.

Last night when he got home I asked what he was doing and he told me him and his friends are planning another trip. He just went on a out of state snowmobile trip last month for six days and now wants to go on another one. Doesn’t matter if I say I would rather him stay home, or that I prefer him not go with these friends (same one’s he was out all night with and didn’t come home – which they are single and the ones that aren’t are known to cheat on their spouses). He does what he wants, when he wants. Doesn’t matter what I have to say or how I feel about it.

I feel so hurt by his actions. I just feel he is being so immature and selfish. However, I just feel like crying all the time. Last night I took a shower at midnight, in hopes I could calm myself down and get some sleep. I feel very lonely in my own home when he’s there.

Tomorrow is our little girl’s birthday and I just don’t know how I am going to bring myself to put on a smile and celebrate when I feel like our whole family is falling apart and he doesn’t even care. I don’t know how to do it any day really for that matter. I don’t know how he goes on and acts like it’s no big deal. I’ll hear him on the phone with friends laughing and joking around about things that happen when they were hanging out on their trips and all excited about their next trip. Or he will be joking around and laughing with the kids acting like all is normal. I just don’t get it and find it really hurtful. I feel like I’m falling apart inside and he could care less.

How do I pull myself together for my kids and go on like I’m not affected by his behavior? I am starting to grow a lot of hatred and resentment toward him over all of it. It’s like when he wants to be home, then we are good enough, but when other things are going on that sound better to him it’s out the door and it doesn’t matter what is going on with me or the kids – I can deal with it and figure it out. I feel like being a spouse and parent is a “as it’s convenient” thing to him and all the responsibility to do it 24/7 is on me.
 

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My H and I have been married 5 years together 7 years. I have two children from previous relationship and he has one. We have two children together – 3 & 2. Our relationship has deteriorated down to not even tolerable, but more let’s just get through this.
After our 3y/o H decided to move into the guest room which is on a different level and different side of the house because he didn’t want to be woken up by the baby. He pretty much never came to our room unless he was interested in sex, which was rare. By some miracle we got pregnant again. He now sleeps exclusively I the guest room. We have sex probably once every 3 months or longer.
We talk about nothing other than the kids, and HIM. If I try to talk about my feelings, thoughts, opinion, or just my daily life – what I did that , stuff at work, he doesn’t listen, will often interrupt to talk about himself, ask something totally unrelated – like ask what I made for supper, or just start interacting with the kids. I have often stopped in complete stories of what I’m talking to him about and he doesn’t even notice that I never even finished what I was talking about. I have given up talking to him about anything unless it is about the kids or important.

We never go do anything together. And we rarely go and do things with the kids together. Often he will say he will stay home with one of the babies and says it’s too hard to go do stuff with all the kids.

We did therapy for about a year – going once a week – and spent a ton of money out of pocket on it. It doesn’t seem like anything changed. The only thing that seemed to change was that I learned to just let a lot of things go and not care much. Now we no longer argue and scream at each other, but I also find myself just simply not caring enough to.

He seems to not be bothered by the way things are at all. We did bring up him moving back to the bedroom in therapy, but he is not interested. He says he sleeps so much better in the other room and doesn’t want his sleep interrupted by me or the babies. He does snore, however, only on his back and when I would be woken by it I would nudge him to roll over. This often would irate him. He seems to think he is the only person worthy of a good night’s sleep in our house. After the kids are put to bed he has nothing to do with them until he wakes in the morning. I do work full time and he refuses to ever give me a break on the night time child care, even on the weekends. Our 2 year old rarely sleeps all night.

So he sleeps on the first level of our house, this is where our family room is also that has our computer. When he is awake and home he spends the majority of the time there. He will come upstairs when he wants something out of the kitchen or play with the kids for a few minutes. Our kids rooms are upstairs and the older girls rooms are downstairs. So the little girls are usually upstairs with me and even the big girls often are.

H spends every Saturday out of the house. That is his day to do what he wants. He often hangs out with friends or picks up a side job. He complains frequently how he never gets to do anything HE wants to do. He will through a fit if I have something I have to do or the kids do and there is something going on he wants to do. Yesterday I had to drive my oldest daughter 2 hours away to meet her dad so she could spend some time with him over the break. He got upset because he wanted to hang out with his friends. So I called my mom to come watch our daughters so I could take my oldest over and he could hang out with friends. These occurrences happen frequently. I am so lucky to have my mom to help me out or I would never get a break.

We do not really have mutual friends as his friends wives are all friends with his ex and we really don’t have much in common. I go out with friends probably about 2-3 times a year. I drink extremely rarely. I love my kids and my life pretty much revolves around them and meeting their needs. I do all the shopping for the family, the majority of housework, childrearing, and meal preparation. I feel like I am growing so resentful of my H and the way he behaves and the way he treats me and talks to me.
When he is home he is rarely any help anyways. I feel so much anger when I’m trying to get supper going and I’m helping with homework with the older ones and have the younger ones at my feet begging for stuff and he is sitting downstairs relaxing sitting on the computer. Then he just comes up when supper is ready and eats and go back down. The one thing he does do every night is give the younger ones bathes and ready for bed. That is when I get time to clean up the kitchen and a quick pick up of the rest of the house.

I feel exhausted, lonely, angry and resentful. After a year of therapy I quit going. I was sick of paying all the money and taking the time for it and it seemed to not be doing anything. He would get in there and say one thing and act like things were going so well and he would work on this and that. Then we would leave and things would be the same. He really liked the T and I did to – it was actually the second one we seen, but it just felt like I was the only one willing to do what she asked.

First week we went she asked us what we wanted the other to work on and I said I wanted him to ask me what I had to do/get done each day. He has yet to ever ask me. The main reason I asked for this was to initiate conversation between us and for him to realize I have a lot of things that fall on my shoulders to get done and just what I all do to keep this family going. What did he want me to do? Not ask him to take out the garbage. And I haven’t asked him yet. I just do it if he doesn’t.

My H does rarely drinks, he works hard outside the home and provides very well for us, our kids love him dearly, and no I do not think he is cheating.

Do I keep trying? Or do I just say enough is enough and start a divorce process. The idea of tearing the kids a part has kept me here so far. My two older girls and my stepdaughter and the babies are all so close and love each other and we are family – there is not stepsisters or half-sisters in their eyes. Plus I have been in my SD’s life for 7 years and am close to her and been one of the main stable things in her life (her mom is an alcoholic).
You posted the above on 1/2/13. What have you done differently? What's changed in YOU?
 

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Are you a SAHM?

You might want to look at the 180 and modify it a bit your your situation. It can help you get a handle on your own emotions.

I also think you would benefit from reading the book "Divorce Busters" Pay special attention to the discussion on 180's in the book.

You know what they say, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity.

Have you considered just going out yourself and leaving him alone with the children to watch? I think you need to do this. But when you do don't have the I'll show you attitude. Instead just be happy, cheerful and don't tell him what you are up to. "I'm just meeting some friends." leave it at that.

You need to get his attention.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You posted the above on 1/2/13. What have you done differently? What's changed in YOU?
Well I have been trying to talk to him. Before I was just trying to avoid him because it was so unpleasent. I have tried to point out when I have felt hurt by his actions or I felt they were out of line and uncalled for. I guess I have just been trying to stick up for myself lately because before I would just let it go and try to just get over it. I'm sure that is what is making him mad at me.

I guess I'm just feeling very depressed and worn down from it and wanted to know if there was any advice for pulling yourself together when you feeling like your marriage is falling apart and your spouse seems to careless and is out there livign it up with his friends.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Are you a SAHM?

You might want to look at the 180 and modify it a bit your your situation. It can help you get a handle on your own emotions.

I also think you would benefit from reading the book "Divorce Busters" Pay special attention to the discussion on 180's in the book.

You know what they say, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity.

Have you considered just going out yourself and leaving him alone with the children to watch? I think you need to do this. But when you do don't have the I'll show you attitude. Instead just be happy, cheerful and don't tell him what you are up to. "I'm just meeting some friends." leave it at that.

You need to get his attention.
I am not a SAHM. I work 35 hours a week. Last night he was complaining how he has to work so much more than me - 5 hours a week more (one hour a day more). And that it's not like he goes into work each day because it's what HE wants to do. I said "no it's because you need to be a responsible and productive adult and parent." Like he was angry and upset with me because he has to work and has to work 5 more hours each week than me and that must mean I'm living off him?

I guess I'm having a hard time with the happy and cheerful part when I feel like me and my childrens lives are falling apart.

Plus if I do stuff with my friends, or even just go to the mall with the older girls, or to the grocery store. He says I'm "out shopping all the time". That I'm always out wasting money and he's always taking care of the kids so i can run around. A lot of times I just don't think it's worth it because of what I have to listen to and what I get accused of when I do try to do soemthing - even just one on one with one of my girls. Like I take the older three girls to church each Wed and he stays home with our two younger ones. He considers this a night out for me and because I got Wed night out of the house then he should have Thur night out - hence why he was out with friends last night until 11. tonight I NEED to go to the grocery store and he will consider that a night out of the house for me and because of that he will need to have time out over the weekends (and of course double the time) to run his "errands" (aka hanging out, running around with friends).
 

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Well I have been trying to talk to him. Before I was just trying to avoid him because it was so unpleasent. I have tried to point out when I have felt hurt by his actions or I felt they were out of line and uncalled for. I guess I have just been trying to stick up for myself lately because before I would just let it go and try to just get over it. I'm sure that is what is making him mad at me.

I guess I'm just feeling very depressed and worn down from it and wanted to know if there was any advice for pulling yourself together when you feeling like your marriage is falling apart and your spouse seems to careless and is out there livign it up with his friends.
If standing up for yourself is making him mad, then I say good. He needs to know you will not continue to be ignored.

What I want you to see is even though you've done this, he hasn't changed anything. Talking to him doesn't work. You have to act. You keep leaning on him to help you and he's made it very clear he isn't interested in doing that. He sounds like a person that wants to avoid you at all costs. If he's going to not be in your corner and be a true husband to you, you will have to go on alone.

Start making your exit plans. OR, don't and take more of the same. It's up to you.
 

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Of course he wont file for divorce, why should he? He gets to do whatever the hell he wants with no consequences..he has someone who takes care of his house, his kids, and thinks that he has you under control to where you would never dare go anywhere. He is a selfish ass. He is not interested in you or in being a real husband. You pull yourself together by getting pi$$ed and realizing that this is no way for you, or your kids, to live. Its time you shut him out and make your exit plan. Serve him with divorce papers..he will be totally blindsided, because he has not been listening to a word you have said. Maybe it will turn him around, maybe not. But either way, you will be taking care of yourself and your kids.
 

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The being happy and cheerful is for you and the children. When we are upset our bodies produce chemicals that actually make us feel worse. They can compromise our immune system, keep us from sleeping, etc.

With the 180 you concentrate on yourself and your children.

He’s acting like a little kid who got the smaller chocolate Easter bunny. Or like you took his toy away from him because he ‘has to’ work 5 hours a week more than you do. He’s a brat. So stop letting his issues affect you. They have nothing to do with you.

You have already let him know that you are upset with his petty attitude. You have let him know that you want to work on improve the relationship. You have let him know you want to talk about this. So stop talking about all this. It has to be the one to make the next move, to schedule a time to actually talk with you.

When you see him just be cheerful but do not talk much to him. Just say hi and walk away.

If he acts like your shopping is a night out or time out partying, just reply to him with a smile that since he thinks it’s such a good time, then from now on he can add that chore to his work week because grocery shopping for the family it work. Then let walk away (and not in a huff).

It will not be long before he wonders why you have stopped trying to talk to him, stopped bugging him about what he’s doing and walking away from him and in such a good mood.

Stop doing anything you do for him as well. Do you do his laundry? He’s a big boy. He can do his own laundry.

I agree that filing for divorce right now is probably your best bet. Remember that a divorce can be stopped at any point before the judge signed the final decree. So if he suddenly sees the light when he’s served, the marriage can still be saved.

Do the two of you own the house you live in?

What % of your joint income do you earn?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
The being happy and cheerful is for you and the children. When we are upset our bodies produce chemicals that actually make us feel worse. They can compromise our immune system, keep us from sleeping, etc.

With the 180 you concentrate on yourself and your children.

He’s acting like a little kid who got the smaller chocolate Easter bunny. Or like you took his toy away from him because he ‘has to’ work 5 hours a week more than you do. He’s a brat. So stop letting his issues affect you. They have nothing to do with you.

You have already let him know that you are upset with his petty attitude. You have let him know that you want to work on improve the relationship. You have let him know you want to talk about this. So stop talking about all this. It has to be the one to make the next move, to schedule a time to actually talk with you.

When you see him just be cheerful but do not talk much to him. Just say hi and walk away.

If he acts like your shopping is a night out or time out partying, just reply to him with a smile that since he thinks it’s such a good time, then from now on he can add that chore to his work week because grocery shopping for the family it work. Then let walk away (and not in a huff).

It will not be long before he wonders why you have stopped trying to talk to him, stopped bugging him about what he’s doing and walking away from him and in such a good mood.

Stop doing anything you do for him as well. Do you do his laundry? He’s a big boy. He can do his own laundry.

I agree that filing for divorce right now is probably your best bet. Remember that a divorce can be stopped at any point before the judge signed the final decree. So if he suddenly sees the light when he’s served, the marriage can still be saved.

Do the two of you own the house you live in?

What % of your joint income do you earn?
Yes, we own our home. And he makes 3x as much money as me. He seperate our finances out about a year go and I'm responsbile for certain bills and all of the groceries, clothing, and needs of the kids (diapers, wipes, shoes, extra curricular activites, birthday gifts, etc). That is why all the shopping is loaded on to me. He has no interested in doing it anyways.

He washes/dry's the clothes for everyone and I fold it all and put it away because he doesn't know who's clothes are who's. He also takes the garbage out to the curb, but that is the extent of his household responsibilities. I make supper each night and clean up afterwards. He just comes in from work and helps himself. One time I told him to make himself something to eat because he doesn't show any appreciation for what I do and he told me I was being immature. Then he is always quick to point out he makes the mortgage payment. Another thing he is quick to point out whenever I mention him staying somewhere else for awhile.

I just have the hardest time plastering a smile on my face and acting like his actions and words don't upset me. I look at my sweet little girls and feel horrible that I want to leave their father and tear their world apart. I know I can not afford this house on my own, so I know we would have to move. We live in a college town and it is very expensive to rent and to find a place I could afford on my own that would be large enough for the 5 of us seems impossible. That is depressing me a lot too and makes me think I should just suck it up and learn to deal with it.
 

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How long have you been married? What state do you live in?

I know it's hard to put on a smile when you are upset. But do you want to be upset or do you want to get control of your life and maybe even fix your marriage.

Please get the book "Divorce Busting" and read it. Then you will understand why I'm telling you to do this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
How long have you been married? What state do you live in?
Married over 5 years. Live in Minnesota.

I looked the book and the 180 concept online. It makes sense. I know the thing I need to work the most on is getting myself out of the house and focusing on other things in my life. I'm going to try to make more plans with friends and I'm going to start working out again. The hardest part of that is lining up someone to watch my kids to do these things out of the house. My closest family (my mom) is over an hour away. But my oldest will be 14 next month and my youngest is finally turning 2, so it will be easier to just have her babysit now. I just got to start remembering that is an option and start trying it out more.
 

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My advice is to re-focus. It sounds like the marriage is already over, just not on paper yet. Get the paperwork started and then mentally step away from it. Find a hobby, throw yourself into mommy-hood, go out with friends, whatever works for you. I also find in troubled times like this to find some phrase that you can use to refocus. The serenity prayer is a good one for me.
 

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Married over 5 years. Live in Minnesota.

I looked the book and the 180 concept online. It makes sense. I know the thing I need to work the most on is getting myself out of the house and focusing on other things in my life. I'm going to try to make more plans with friends and I'm going to start working out again. The hardest part of that is lining up someone to watch my kids to do these things out of the house. My closest family (my mom) is over an hour away. But my oldest will be 14 next month and my youngest is finally turning 2, so it will be easier to just have her babysit now. I just got to start remembering that is an option and start trying it out more.
This sounds like a plan. Take care of YOURSELF!!
 
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