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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I'm 26. My husband is 32. We have been married for 5 years. No kids.

I got married when I was 20, without much thought, without much discussion, and we didn't know each other very well. He was literally the first relationship I had ever been in. Ever. Like 3 weeks of actual face-to-face followed by months of letter-writing while I went through military training. We got married in my one-day lay over between job training and airborne school.

I feel like I've spent the last 5 years trying to reconcile myself to a choice that I know I shouldn't have made. The first two years were hell on earth -we should have gotten divorced then. After that we did some counseling, read some self-help books, went on some marriage retreats, the husband was put on medication for a while. We've had big "the talk"s. This shouldn't come out of left field for him. I feel like despite my initial regret, I really did try, HARD, for YEARS, to make the best of my choices, and make my marriage the best marriage that I could. So many times I have shoved down my own feelings to rise above the fighting so we could at least have a starting point to start acting like adults.

Now things are much less volatile. It's not the hell that the first years were. It's easy to just be on my laptop while he sits on another couch on his laptop and interact casually. We can be friends now. Not best friends, not someone that I can tell my thoughts and feelings to, but at least we are not 30-seconds from domestic violence every other day. We can be...friends. Or friendly at least. We joke around. But I can’t have a serious conversation with him about something I disagree with him about without getting shut down. Never have.

For five years now I haven’t left because I’ve felt obligated to do everything that I can do to make it work. I haven’t left because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I haven’t left because I thought that “in love” feeling was a modern construct that doesn’t last long in a marriage anyway, so it was unrealistic and immature to divorce someone based on its absence. I’ve tried to be happy with this. I really really have.

I am just. So. Done.

We want the exact opposite things out of life. I do NOT want to have kids. He MUST have kids. I want to go to grad school and live in a condo. He wants to live as far from all human beings as possible and start breeding ASAP. This marriage cannot end well, I do not want it now, and it never should have been done. I could complain about everything he’s ever done here, but I’m not going to because it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’m done.

I just so badly don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s not a bad guy, generally speaking. I don’t blame him for a thing. Our problems were always both of us. Making a ****ty rash decision to get married required both signatures. I know that he is more content with the marriage than I am and it will break his heart if I leave. If he could just feel as done as I feel, then I would not lose a single minute of sleep by leaving. But he doesn’t feel neutral. This will hurt him. He could probably be a good husband for someone….just not for me. In fact, after what I’ve experienced I don’t know if I ever want to be in a long-term relationship, let alone get married, ever again. He can’t change who he is, I can’t change who I am and I know it is time to stop just going along with it when it is all a lie. I am done trying. I am done wasting both of our time. I don’t want to be living this life for one more year, let alone 10 or 20 more years.

If anyone is still reading this and thinks I just need to “try harder,” I am about to lose you entirely: I cheated. Not for love, just for sex. Recently – not throughout the marriage. Obviously I should have just soldiered up and set him free before this happened. But I did it. I want to minimize the damage to him and get through this to the other side.

So here’s what I think I should do:

Write him a long heart-felt letter, explaining that I don’t blame him and he’s not a bad guy, but I can’t pretend to be this person that he has always wanted me to be anymore. That I don’t want to waste anymore of his time or mine. That I don’t want to be vindictive – he can have everything out of the house and all the time there that he wants. And when he has thought about what he wants and what he wants to say, to give me a call and he can talk to/cry at/ shout at me all he wants about whatever he wants. I need to do this in a letter, because if I do it in person I won’t get to say the things I want to say before it turns into a who-can-hurt-you-worst shouting match.

Then I will go stay with my mother until he figures out what he wants to do. I know he will want to move elsewhere – probably as far away from me as possible. I have more of a support network in this area than he does, so the least I can do is to utilize my network to make his transition easier.

I guess I could use some feedback on my thought process and my plan. I didn’t want to leave this marriage as the bad guy, but I just don’t even care about that anymore. I just want this to be over with. Should I tell him about the cheating? How do I make myself stop taking the easy road by waiting around for a catastrophe and just do what needs to be done? What else can I do to be as considerate as possible to him when I break his heart, assuming that’s what will happen?

How do I jump off of a cliff?
 

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Sounds like you already left if you cheated.
Tell him and it won't be hard to leave as he may demand it. Painful, but your choice will be easier and it seems that is what you are looking for. Doesn't sound like it will work out unless you both really want it to - and i am not getting that from your writings.

Your mind and heart are out, now time to do the heavy lifting and move your body out.
 

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If you don't want to excessively hurt him, then don't tell him about the cheating, but that will take strength as you will have to be the person who is ending it by choice. Even though you think he will not be suprised, I think he is going to be because it sounds like he has been trying to invest alot into his relationship with you at least recently.

If you just want to it to be over then tell him about the cheating, but be prepared for things to get messy. He will be hurt, and he and others will know that you are the bad guy for cheating. Maybe he is the bad guy too, maybe not. I can't tell from your post.

I wonder why when the drama died in your relationship, so did your desire to be in the relationship?

From your post, I'm not sure if you possess the strength to end it while minimizing his pain.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I stayed in the relationship during the rough times because I thought that it wouldn't be fair to call it quits without doing everything I could to work through it. Of course I was miserable during the worst, but I didn't feel that would be a reflection of how it could be at its best. Well now I feel like I've done everything that I can do, and the best that its going to get between us is an apathetic inability to relate or compromise or share a plan for the future. I was willing to keep trying at the worst, but if this is the better, then it isn't worth it. The better isn't going to get any better. I am just not prepared to regret every moment of the next 20 years of my life out of a sense of obligation to a mistake and a person who I am not right for and who isn't right for me. I really just think that we will both be better off in the long run if we stop throwing our time and effort down a broken well.

No one likes the worst, but if this is the better, it isn't very much better.
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