[Mr.PotentialFulfilled]

My wife and I are in our early 50s. My wife is looking prettier and sexier than she ever has. How do I let her understand that I want to take advantages of these days and enjoy our sex life together. We hardly have sex. She's just not into it. And if we do it's at night when she is not looking hot. I don't want to be selfish. But I want to take advantage of these remaining days of before we get older. How can I motivate her to have sex more and when she's looking great? I know if I go down on her it gets her in the mood. But she will only let me do that after I beg for weeks for sex. Am I selfish?

 

[Cre8ify]

Selfish to want a deep, intimate connection to your wife? Far more selfish to go through life in parallel tracks and not uniting and sharing your complete self with your spouse.

This is exactly where I was when I turned 50. You can turn this around as I have. It is all about becoming sexually attractive to her. None of this will be her idea, you need to create all of it. Accept it as a challenge. A challenge with a bigger payoff than any you have ever tackled. Everything you do as a couple is better when you are connected. The bad stuff is less unsettling, the good stuff more remarkable when you are facing it all together.

Read the MMSL and reinvent yourself. Get in great shape, find some new hobbies and be a bit unavailable to her, hang with your friends and keep some mystery about it, acquire some alpha traits and show you are the kind of man people will follow, take over as paternal head of the household, engage and manage the kids with confidence.

Read a few TAM threads and it will come into focus for you. With the empty nest just around the corner this is exactly the right time to redefine our relationships.

There is lots of help and experience here. Good luck!

 

[unbelievable]

My grandparents are 93 and they've been married over 70 years. They don't have sex but you've never met a couple more in love or more deeply intimate. They almost don't even need to talk because they know each others' hearts and minds as well as they know their own. I'm in my early 50s and part of me fears the eventual loss of sex . If I had to choose between burning up the sheets for a few more years or building a love like my grandparents have, I'll pick the latter.

 

[anotherguy]

Yeah, here we go again with the 'alpha' thng and the MMSL snake oil.. before any real understanding about the relationship, the person, or what is going on.

Ive about had it with TalkAboutMarriage because of this entrenched, incessant, mindless clique - immediately pawning this juvenile prurient 'advice' off onto all newcomers who express any sexual challenges whatsoever.

ashamedbuthonest - yeah - peek around here, there are some helpful people here. Think through any lifestyle prescriptions that sound more like headgames and singles scene tactics with a healthy dose of salt.

Good luck.... peace...out...

 

[Hicks]

To motivate your wife to have more sex do as folllows.

You be the cause of her loving her life and feeling happy.

You express that you have a need for a sexual marriage.

Make it clear that if you are meeting her needs, you expect her to meet your needs.

And, stop begging immediately.

 

[Caribbean Man]

No you're not selfish.

All you have to do is seduce her .

Women become very conscious about what they perceive as flaws on their body
Tell her that she's looking really hot and MEAN it , make her feel as though she's the only woman in the world that you lust after.
Give her public shows of affection when other women are around.

Touch and tease her.
Make her feel exactly how much you want her.

 

[Cre8ify]

That's fair anotherguy. I've been around this world long enough to know that talk is cheap. I have lived this and it saved my marriage. Kaye is obviously a shock jock and that sells books. I get that. There is a perspective in his work which is powerful...in spite of some of his juvenile tendencies.

Here's is the most powerful idea in his book---Be willing to lose it all. If it is important enough to pursue with your whole self, put it all on the line and have faith in where that takes you.

As to the 93 year old couple---my formerly LD wife asked me enthusiastically last night "how long can we do this, until we're in our 70's"? Yes, dear and then some.

Anotherguy---these people don't show up here because they had a fleeting thought about spicing up their life. They are reaching out from their core and trying to fill an emotional hole in themselves. I choose to help with all that I know to be true from experience.

 

[StoneAngel]

Woman and wife jumping in!

Although there may be some validity to the psychology of MMSL, it does get whipped around TAM alot, and gets toted as a be all answer. Unfortunately and mistakenly no one seems to seek out the route cause affecting the wife. In this particular situation you have a woman in her 50s in the throws of menapause. What men do not seem to comprehend is menopause and its resulting symptoms can make sex terribly painful for some women (who wants to engage in something that is painful). Many symptoms of Menopause are embarrassing and an obsticle many woman in their 50s don't care to address, in order to have a healthy sex life. The added problem is the medical community does not offer alot to these women.
I see lots of posts on TAM highlighting what is available to men..... Viagra (and others), the big T... these things don't exist for woman. Sure there is some estrogen replacement for woman, but estrogen replacement is a dangerous game for some women and has direct links to cancer (breast and other). I am not saying that this is ASHAMEDBUTHONEST's situation, but these things don't seem to bare as much weight as the Alpha/MMSL and they should.
That being said it is never a selfish act to want to make love to your wife and your wife should realize that it is the greatest gift she can give you.
Although I don't really subscribe to the ALPHA thing a spouse should never be reduced to begging for anything. You need to stop begging, be matter a fact about the importance about sexual touch and wrap it up in all that good stuff....about how sexy she is...and why she does it for you...(so awesome to hear BTW)

 

[anchorwatch]

I actually found myself in the OP's situation. I took advice from TAM about relationship books, including MMSLP. That book wasn't of great help to me as I already thought that what the author espoused was just common sense. Men that keep themselves in shape, looked sharp and were confident about themselves, would be attractive. Not a big secret and it applies to both males and females. The book is not a bad guide if you need to up your attraction and feel confidant about yourself, or need to be reminded that you shouldn't let yourself go (there by your relationship too).

Yet a relationship is not all one sided and to think that just being attractive would solve all relationship issues is a very shallow idea. The readings that were effective in bringing back the romance for both DW and myself were actually recommend by a female member of TAM. They were HNHN and LB by Harley. I feel these books were much better guide for a loving two way relationship. I would recommend these to the OP, in a minute.

 

[40isthenew20]

It worked for me and we're in our mid-40s: buy her 50 Shades of Gray and a rabbit vibrator.

 

[anotherguy]

It worked for me and we're in our mid-40s: buy her 50 Shades of Gray and a rabbit vibrator.

funny.

:smthumbup:

 

[Cre8ify]

I agree that those two books are great resources anchorwatch. The problem for me was my wife was completely happy with the status quo. She actually constructed our sexless life together...it was her initiative that took us there and I acquiesced. The last thing she wanted to do was read books I recommended to make changes and fix a problem that she did not own or even recognize. Even today, after MC she still can't say what her unmet needs might be. I had the HNHN book on her nightstand until it was overdue at the library and she read enough to know she didn't want to read it and own any of the process. That was the beauty of fixing myself.

 

[anotherguy]

...And if we do it's at night when she is not looking hot...

and dont think that she isnt picking up on your attitude. I promise you ...she is.

How about you? Are you hot too?

Its a 2 way street if you both are thinking like this.

 

[unbelievable]

Make deeper intimacy your goal rather than increased intercourse and you'll probably end up with more of both and a lot less frustration.

 

[anotherguy]

Make deeper intimacy your goal rather than increased intercourse and you'll probably end up with more of both and a lot less frustration.

:iagree:

 

[Cre8ify]

Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
Make deeper intimacy your goal rather than increased intercourse and you'll probably end up with more of both and a lot less frustration.

The only thing I would add to that is when both of you flood with oxytocin after intercourse it is like an addiction and you can't keep your hands off of each other for two days. THAT, makes it easier to find deeper intimacy.

 

[anchorwatch]

I agree that those two books are great resources anchorwatch. The problem for me was my wife was completely happy with the status quo. She actually constructed our sexless life together...it was her initiative that took us there and I acquiesced. The last thing she wanted to do was read books I recommended to make changes and fix a problem that she did not own or even recognize. Even today, after MC she still can't say what her unmet needs might be. I had the HNHN book on her nightstand until it was overdue at the library and she read enough to know she didn't want to read it and own any of the process. That was the beauty of fixing myself.

Then you needed to go about it on your own. You had to destabilize the relationship in order to create another. Risky, but worth the rewards, as the relationship you had was not fulfilling.

I was lucky she was willing to change with me and join in on our recocilation, as she felt the same way about where the relationship was heading. I find it exhilarating now, as empty nesters, starting our romance all over again

 

[CanadianGuy]

My wife and I are in our early 50s. My wife is looking prettier and sexier than she ever has. How do I let her understand that I want to take advantages of these days and enjoy our sex life together. We hardly have sex. She's just not into it. And if we do it's at night when she is not looking hot. I don't want to be selfish. But I want to take advantage of these remaining days of before we get older. How can I motivate her to have sex more and when she's looking great? I know if I go down on her it gets her in the mood. But she will only let me do that after I beg for weeks for sex. Am I selfish?

I have been in a relationship with the same woman for 23 years and married for 15 years of those 23. We have 2 kids, 13 and 10.

Firstly don't beg it is needy and demeaning. It also affects your own self esteem and confidence negatively. As you can see from my join date I have been here a bit and can say with the utmost confidence that a few months on these forms have worked positively on my own marriage and on my own behavior. It has not been a bed of roses though. Sometimes two steps forward and one step back. I will say it feels a bit like a Phoenix rising from the ashes as I am burning my/our old behavior patterns to the ground. I read MMSL, and yes a lot of it is common sense and was a good reminder/refresher about what parts of myself I had sacrificed in order to achieve what I thought was a good marriage. I was wrong. That was a shock. I am for the first time in a long time having meaningful conversations with my wife. This is helping. Last Saturday we talked for over 4 hours and she admitted some very difficult things to me about how she felt. I had made her feel safe enough to talk to me. Trust is coming back. So cool. It has taken along time to create these knots in out marriage and I suspect that it will take a long time to untangle. I am realistic though as I need to see an effort from not only myself but from her too.

 

[unbelievable]

If sex is your goal, the only "win" involves people getting naked. If intimacy is the goal, talking, shopping, going for walks, holding hands, making out, laughing, etc are all "wins". You can set yourself to lose most days or to win every day.

 

[Cre8ify]

One of the things in HNHN which has proven invaluable has been spending 15 hours a week together. In order to get there it does include shopping and the types of things we used to split up to just get done. We always start each day with a 30 minute conversation and coffee...dog walks...dinners together...private time...common hobby...and you about have it.